Please, please advise

skintchick

elainew wrote: »

I'm afriad she will have to deliver naturally--there is no way they would give you a csection.
For gawds sake PLEASE dont mention she should have taken folic acid--its not her fault her baby has spinabifida--it can be sadly just a sad twist of nature. I took a high dose folic acid and my baby still died. Its up to her GP to discuss that with her.
Its sounds like the baby has acrania if the skull shape is distorted. My friends baby had no skull and would have died immediatly at birth--she chose the option of letting her go--she too took folic acid!!!

Just be there for her whatever she decides to do--I wish my friends were as caring when I lost my wee boy xxx

I did say don;t mention it now, it's just something to bear in mind for the future.

As a friend, I'd consider it my job to mention it to a friend, and in fact I did do exactly that with a friend who has had multiple miscarriages and wasn;t taking it, just in case that was the problem. She didn;t mind, she was grateful. It's all about how and when you bring it up.

elainew

As a friend I would help my friend grieve for the baby shes about to lose .

tiamai_d

So sorry to hear bad news, was really hoping it would be a good outcome for her.

newlysingle_2

Thank you for all your support, I asked the Dr at the 'top childrens' hospital she was sent to if she would be offered counciling. He asked why, so I said I would assume most people in this situation would need or like someone to speak to about whats going on, he actually turmed to me and said actually no they don't! So glad I was there with her. I now have to explain to my children whats going on. Have spoken to there school today and have decided to deal with the next week head on, and the week after take the kids away to explain whats happened. The school have agreed this would be for the best as DD is v.emotional. Her teacher has suggested- as its a catholic school, something along the lines of, baby was very special, to special for this world and God and Jesus wanted to keep him. Any other suggestions on how to explain to a 5 and 4 yr old?

xx newlysingle xx

mrcow

Not meaning to sound bad, but I wouldn't make too much of a fuss of telling them (like going somewhere special etc). I had the same situation last year when telling my 6 year old (one of the most senstive people I know!) that his brother had died and he took it much better than any of the adults around me did.

I just told him that the baby had got really sick and had died and that it was really nice because he'd got to be an angel. He obviously cried and was upset, but death is a matter of life and most children will understand that better than you realise. We still talk about it whenever he wants to, but he's quite matter of fact now. I also gave him a photo of one of the later scans I'd had as something to remember his brother by and said we could light a candle whenever he felt he wanted to.

Amanda65

newlysingle wrote: »

. Any other suggestions on how to explain to a 5 and 4 yr old?

Firstly I just wanted to say how very, very sorry I am for your cousin. I am very close to a cousin also and we have been through so much together, I would trust her with my life, and I know that at difficult times when we have been there for each other she has been my rock.

With regard to your children, I often think that honesty is the best policy, but at a level they can understand - children are so much more resilient than we give thm credit for. Rather than make a big thing by taking them away, I would sit them down quietly and explain that the baby was very poorly and sadly had to go to heaven early but that he will always be in your thoughts and prayers (if you are a religious family and that is appropriate). However you know our own children and how they can best deal with the news.

Keep strong for your cousin, don't mention future pregnancies, and as another poster said, let her grieve for the baby she is losing.

newlysingle_2

Thanks for you suggestions, the going away is something that was already planned with me and the kids, but my friend suggested bringing it forward so she could go to support us. I am hoping that the distraction will help dd as she is very close to my cousin who babysat from her being a baby, and was the most excited about baby. Her teacher suggested that DD should have sometime away as one of the friends baby brothers died not long ago and it impacted the whole class, but gave them a chance to talk about what happens when we die. DS 1 is the most resiliant and prob wont mention it again, but DD is still struggling with myself and ex splitting.

inkie

Her teacher has suggested- as its a catholic school, something along the lines of, baby was very special, to special for this world and God and Jesus wanted to keep him. Any other suggestions on how to explain to a 5 and 4 yr old?

I have been following this thread, and firstly want to say that you all are in my thoughts and prayers.
With regards to your specific question about how to tell your children - I personally would steer away from the 'too special for this world and God and Jesus wanted to keep him'. I would explain that as people get very sick in life, and sometimes aren't able to be made better and die, then this can happen even before they are born whilst they are in their mummies tummy and very small, and they go to live with Jesus.

msb5262

newlysingle - so sorry. You are fantastic for taking on this heartbreaking task of supporting your cousin; you won't regret it. Remember you are not alone with this; many people here are thinking of you and will support you in any way they can. Please ask here if you need specific information, contacts, etc and I think help will arrive quickly.
Very best wishes
MsB

amani_2

newlysingle I am so sorry for your cousin and I know exactly what she is going through, I also had to decide there and then what to do. As I said before this happened to me 19yrs ago, and it angers me that the doctors still have the same attitude they were also very matter of fact with me and offered no counselling.

When I read your post, it could have been me sat there all those years ago. the night I gave birth to my baby I remember crying myself to sleep.


AMANI XXX