csa babies dad

overthehills

There is only so much protecting you can do and you cannot protect a child from its own parent. I apologise for the "legs" statement, but there are far to many people out there who think having a child will save relationships. However, that is another matter.
I don't have a relationship with my father because he is a drunk and a bully. Would I have wanted my mother to keep me away from him? At the time I probably would, but now I would more than likely hold her responsible for keeping me from him. I needed to learn for myself what kind of man he is. My ex is the same as my dad but my children have a different relationship with him than I ever did. He has eventually stepped up to the plate on the fatherhood score.
The reason I get so passionate about this taking money but withholding contact is because my husband has an ex wife in his life who does just that. For no reason apart from her not wanting him in her new life. Good enough reason? No.
I will protect my children from whatever I need to. I have lied to them on my ex's behalf when he's let them down. I've made excuses for him, anything to not allow them to be upset.

"he saw him when he was 2 then didnt bother again til he was 3, spun me the usual lines an never turnt up again.
hes nearly 4 now and he has asked to see him again but ive said no, right or wrong im not having my kid sitting by the door crying cos his dad didnt turn up!"

It really is tragic when this happens but the hard job is to not close doors on a father child relationship. Do what you have to to make the child feel happy again. But, not make the "what's best for him" decision when it could really be what's best for you.
I do apoplogise again for judgemental statements. As a mother, what was best for my kids was for my ex to vanish from their lives instead of them having to deal with constant let downs and empty promises. But, what they do have is a dad in their lives who they love, but most important, a dad who they have come to accept what he is like and love him for that anyway.

overthehills

Came back to add.
What is tragic about this is, if a man NRP came to these types of forums and said he didn't want to see his child, he would be attacked wouldn't he? Yet there are women here who seem to think it is ok to deny a father contact with a child. Why do we accept this? Condone a father yet support a mother?
A NRP comes into the forum. "I have a child who I am paying child support for. I don't really have much to do with him/her so have decided not to bother anymore. Am I right?"

Soubrette

overthehills wrote: »

Came back to add.
What is tragic about this is, if a man NRP came to these types of forums and said he didn't want to see his child, he would be attacked wouldn't he? Yet there are women here who seem to think it is ok to deny a father contact with a child. Why do we accept this? Condone a father yet support a mother?
A NRP comes into the forum. "I have a child who I am paying child support for. I don't really have much to do with him/her so have decided not to bother anymore. Am I right?"

I'm confused - most people on this thread have recommended that the OP should allow access to the child

Further others have warned that a decision not to this may come back and bit you on the behind in the end if ever the child tries to contact the NRP and is told that PWC prevented access.

On the question of access, Kimberley said it beautifully.

Sou

scooby1001

I feel just because the nrp may be a "waste of space" right now if he is not stopped from seeing the child in the future and the door left open they may be able to have some sort of relationship as he(and the child matures).

My daughter has a dad like that. I have not had maintaince from him for years because of domestic violence and my daughter has not seen him much over the years due to cruelty towards her BUT she is now 11 and in the last year has been seeing her dad every saturday in our home town and is willing to do that. They even went away for 3 days and she enjoyed herself. He is a changed man and although there were times i had to stop contact i never ever shut the door on him because he is her father and always will be. The same goes for my sons dad. My son is now 19 and accepts that his dad is a waste of space(an alchololic) and they have not seen each other for months but that is down to them. I never stopped his dad seeing him and it was always eratic and he was let down many many times but at least he can't blame me for any of it as i have always left the door open. It is hard being the pwc in that you have to be beyond reproach in regard to contact as you don't want your child hating you when they are older for stopping the nrp seeing them even if you think you did it for the right reasons.

sweetness789

Some of the responses on this thread has made my blood boil.....

I commend you for getting this far without the help of the baby's father and i respect your views as to why you do not wish for CSA to be involved

What some people dont understand is that not everyone has a rosy and cushty life and things like this happens everyday.

I can see that you have accepted the consequences of your actions and that you are being responsible in preparing for a better future for yourself and your child. i believe that you experienced backlash like this throughout the past 15 months and I commend you for your strength as it is hard enough as it is.

Despite how you may feel about the father of your child, every child has the right to see its father however if you dont want contact with the father of your child yourself then i would suggest that you get in contact with a family support unit in order to arrange supervised contact visits however it is up to you.

All parents, including those who do not live with their children, have a duty by law to pay for the things a child needs - a home, clothes, food, heating, etc. This is the case even if the parent doesn't see the child. Paying maintenance does not give them any extra rights and it shouldn't be used as a way of bargaining about other issues you might disagree about.

If you have good reason not to want the CSA to contact the father about child maintenance, you can say that you believe you should not have to involve the CSA because there would be a risk of ‘harm or undue distress' to you or your baby if you claimed maintenance. (Th is is sometimes referred to as ‘good cause' for not involving the father of your baby.) For more information and advice about this call the Lone Parent Helpline on 0800 018 5026.

From 14 July 2008, your benefit claim won't be treated as an application to the CSA, so you will not have to give reasons why you do not want to apply and your benefit cannot be reduced. Jobcentre Plus should still identify that you are someone who could claim maintenance, and refer you to sources of information and advice.
You can ask for an interview about the CSA to be put off for 14 days while you think about it without your benefit claim being delayed - use this time to get advice.

YummyMummy20

Hi lilabeth,

I think you've had a pretty rough ride considering you just asked a simple little question. I'm in a similar situation to you, having to claim income support temporarily, dealing with the possibilty of my LO's spermdoner (i REFUSE to say 'dad' when he hasn't been around since I was 6 mths preg and in my opinion it takes alot more than that for someone to be able to be called a father) remembering he has a child and wanting access, trying to bring up a child on your own and still get a degree (except that i'm doing OU)

I don't see why your question has turned into slating you for sleeping with the wrong guy and I don't think anyone else has the right to judge you for that. I was very messed up because of several pretty traumatic things that happened simultaneously and being young and niave and believing the guy genuinely cared, did pretty much whatever the guy wanted. He wasn't pleased when I told him I was pregnant, far from it, but then encouraged me to have it. We talked about names and what we were gonna buy for the baby etc then when i 22weeks gone he decided I HAD to have an abortion. Luckily (as I see it now, didn't at the time, i was a mess) my LO was a pretty big baby (almost 9lb 3wks early) and during the scan before what was going to be my abortion the woman decided i was well past the 24wk mark and couldn't have one.

Point is we all have our stories and no doubt a few people will make comments about what i've just written but I think you need a bit of support and I'm past caring what people think, I work 2/3nights a week at a club to help provide for my LO and hes happy and healthy which is all that matters. I'm sure your doing a great job too, else you wouldn't be so worried about what will happen with the CSA.

I sent off a form 2 years ago when he was born because the jobcentre made me (I was and still am adament that I don't need or want his money) and heard literally nothing back. When I went to re-claim Income Support when my hours were dropped below 16p/w I was advised to claim and the woman said she wasn't that surprised that i'd heard nothing when I applied before. Sent off my new form a few weeks ago, haven't heard anything yet, if they do get him to pay it'll all be going into my LO's trust fund and i'll deal with the access issue IF it arises. I've made contact with the spermdoner several times and he did once come into the place I work even though he doesn't live in the area anymore and looked straight through me, didn't care one bit, so I very much doubt he will now. Men who can ignore their responsibilties for that long will probably always do, don't worry too much about it (easier said than done) until/IF it happens.

Sorry for the rant there :A
I hope it all works out ok for you and more importantly your child

YM20 x

tsstss7

tamsin1982 wrote: »

when do you have to put your foot down and make the decision though?
my sons dad saw him on and off for the first few yrs, by this i mean every few months he'd call sayin he was sorry an could he visit - we'd meet up, it'd go really well so rearrange the next visit where he wouldnt turn up an would ignore my calls!
he saw him when he was 2 then didnt bother again til he was 3, spun me the usual lines an never turnt up again.
hes nearly 4 now and he has asked to see him again but ive said no, right or wrong im not having my kid sitting by the door crying cos his dad didnt turn up!
I love my dad, and I tried so hard to make my son have his dad in his life but there does come a point when you have to ask yourself if it really is whats best for them?

If you can find it in you I'd give him one last chance - at least then you know you have tried.

I would try and discuss with your ex what access he thinks he can stick to and hold him to it (once a month is better than once a week for exampe if once a week is too much for him to handle) - one missed visit within say a six month time frame and you will not let him do that to your child any more.

I often wonder what motivates these dads who claim to love their kids but will leave them crying because of missed visits but I've seen it soo often.

In most cases the mum has eventually stopped contact and although its seems sad I can see their point of view as children get seriously messed up by this behaviour both immediately and in the long term and I'm not sure that the theory that sooner or later they will come to terms with how their absent parent behaves makes up for not protecting them from that behaviour.

Good luck in making your decision.