The depressively optimistic moneysaving thread

Horasio

beachbeth wrote: »

As a woman, I feel I get judged by a lot of people. My mum judges how good I am as housekeeper, mother, superwoman etc. My kids judge me according to what I put on the table and if I do their washing exactly when they need it. Other friends and relatives judge how well you are doing at work as well as being a mum. I don't know if men feel as judged by other people as women do? Or maybe they do and just don't care on the whole? I say this because men don't seem to get the guilt that women do if they are unable to fulfil other people's expectations.

An example of the above which I am struggling with at the moment: I help my dad out doing a little paperwork but its causing me stress. I know he and my mum love knowing their kids are around and helping out (Im being vague because I don't want to post specific details), (even though we are all 40 and over!!!) If I tell them I just can't do it any more (it only takes an hour on a Monday morning) I will feel so guilty that I am letting them both down and letting them see just how much of a failure I am because I suffer with depression.

A lot of Monday mornings I have been in tears because I don't want the stress of doing it and yet Im upset about not doing it any more and letting them down. Im relieved after I have finished and I don't have to think about it for another week but I am now seriously considering telling them that I just can't do it any more. This is how other people's judgements affect me. I find it hard to say no.

I feel there is more expectation from a woman to be superwoman. I used to try and kill myself to be one but why should I?

If this one job is too much, you have to say so. You could offer to do it every two weeks or once a month.

shazrobo

CCStar wrote: »

Hi

I am new to this thread, so hope I haven't got the wrong end of the stick.

Being judged to me is

Being criticised when I do my best by people who are supposed to care about you. I feel women are expected to act and be a certain way, and if they don't fit the mould, then they are put down. I'm not even talking about having the perfect body here, which is another issue.

I also feel women are never allowed to be ill and have time off from housework etc.

i agree with ccstar, women are never allowed time off, especially mum's, no matter how ill, i cannot lie in bed or on the sofa and recover i have to carry on daily activities, usually ending up with me becoming more ill and exhausted before finally getting better.

funny you say i sounded short AB, nobody has ever said that before, tho i often get told i sound a lot younger on the phone

shaz x

Horasio

shazrobo wrote: »

i agree with ccstar, women are never allowed time off, especially mum's, no matter how ill, i cannot lie in bed or on the sofa and recover i have to carry on daily activities, usually ending up with me becoming more ill and exhausted before finally getting better.

funny you say i sounded short AB, nobody has ever said that before, tho i often get told i sound a lot younger on the phone

shaz x

I have never spoken to or seen you but never thought you weren't tall either, I thought you were around 5ft 5in.

We are bombarded with pretty, skinny people who can do it all.

When I was 17, there was this woman I worked with who had a natural beauty, skinnier and sooooo tidy and neat. I felt fat (I was 8 stone and 5ft 7in), clutsy and messy compared to her.

I have pictures of her from an event my OH took where we were all doing something for our workplace. When I last saw her picture, she looked OK but a bit plain. She was really nice tho and later found out she had boyfriend problems at that time.

My peers never spoke about their problems. My peers were so competitive. If you showed weakness, you became a target for bullying. I feel people who were at school in the 70s were not the nicest people. When I have met some years later, they are still not that nice and that is why I stopped the contact as soon as I left school.

So it started at school for me. The message was be perfect and don't show weakness.

Amber_Sunshine

Judgement - how I hate that. I get it all the time. For being thin, for being strange (IMO Aspergers ...), for preferring working on my own ...

Must say, I'd never had any image of Shaz's height but you should wear those heels and be proud!

beachbeth

CCStar wrote: »

My peers never spoke about their problems. My peers were so competitive. If you showed weakness, you became a target for bullying. I feel people who were at school in the 70s were not the nicest people. When I have met some years later, they are still not that nice and that is why I stopped the contact as soon as I left school.

So it started at school for me. The message was be perfect and don't show weakness.

I agree. I was at school in the 70's and left in 1981. Most people were horrible! There were so many girls who just wanted to be bitchy and put everyone else down in order to make themselves feel better. I have never understood bitchiness and don't know why some women feel they have to behave like this. Im very much a live and let live sort of person and would hate to think a word or action of mine had upset someone or ruined their day. I suppose though that also means that Im not at all competitive (I don't like sports at all) and was never career minded and thats why my ambition was always to stay at home and have children. Some people think this isn't really an ambition.:o This is why I don't have a highly paid job with a big house and a flash car either.:o

Sazbo

beachbeth wrote: »

This is why I don't have a highly paid job with a big house and a flash car either.:o

I don't have any of those things either Beth xx But they've never mattered to me, and that's the god's honest truth. Can't take 'em with ya. And to be honest, I'd probably be happier with even less than I do have, in a way it would be less restricting. I don't like feeling tied to material things. It's family and friends that are the most precious things in the world to me, I know it's a cliche but money can't buy happiness. Having said that if I win the £89m jackpot tomorrow night I'll try not to be too miserable about it :rotfl:

Sazzy xxxxx

beachbeth

whitevanwoman wrote: »

And being in such a negative frame of mind, means that I see a negative comment as being aimed at me, when in fact it isn't, or it isn't even intended to be negative, or the person doesn't even realise what they have said or even sometimes that that persons opinion is not worth listening to. It is as if all my instincts / senses etc are honed in to negativity, and half the time I don't even realise I'm doing it. The result is a super sensitivity to criticism and the downward spiral into depression.

I know exactly what you mean. I have a hairdresser who works in a salon but is self employed. I know her from school and she used to be a mobile and came to my house. (This is the only way I could go to a salon because I know her!)

She has made a comment on occasion that if I pay by cheque it can be a bit awkward for her (Ive no idea why). The last time I went to her I paid by cheque because I wasn't sure how much my hair was going to be and it was just more convenient for me than withdrawing £60-£70 and then finding it still wasn't enough! She said "Gosh, not many of my clients pay by cheque nowadays" I didn't say much but her comment upset and angered me. I feel that if she doesn't like me paying by cheque then I'll pay someone else by cheque! I just had a feeling that she was trying to tell me not to pay by cheque in future and this is what annoyed me.

I came home feeling quite negative about it. Ive been given the name of a mobile hairdresser because I can't afford to go in the salon any more and this experience has made me feel even more that I won't go to the salon again.

Am I being paranoid or was she being funny with me? Only she knows really.

absolutebounder

beachbeth wrote: »

I(I don't like sports at all) and was never career minded and thats why my ambition was always to stay at home and have children.

This is interesting. I have always said (and been shot to bits for saying it) that depression is a defence mechanism and that if you werent depressed you would be doing something your brain liked even less.
Do you not think that by having depression your unconcious mind is making damn sure your ambition is acheived. without depresssion you would be under pressure to work and do other things.

absolutebounder

beachbeth wrote: »

I
She has made a comment on occasion that if I pay by cheque it can be a bit awkward for her (Ive no idea why). The last time I went to her I paid by cheque because I wasn't sure how much my hair was going to be and it was just more convenient for me than withdrawing £60-£70 and then finding it still wasn't enough! She said "Gosh, not many of my clients pay by cheque nowadays" .

I wouldnt get too upset. She probably wants cash so the Inland Revenue doesnt know too much about it.

Sazbo

absolutebounder wrote: »

I wouldnt get too upset. She probably wants cash so the Inland Revenue doesnt know too much about it.

I was going to say maybe it's a tax thing xx