CSA Payments and Proof of a Cheating Girlfriend...

MartinL_4

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

How long ago did this all happen? Have you just found out?

i found out about a month after the night they spent together, but she denied 'sleeping' with him, and i gave her the benefit of the doubt.

then around christmas time, i found out the truth.

the guy works with me too, and i have to run the gauntlet of seeing him at work, which is unbearable. i feel so humiliated by it all, especially at my place of work...

happymumto2

MartinL wrote: »

all i can do is prolong the payments for as long as possible. after the responses on this thread, i am resigned to paying up eventually...

i've already spoken to a counsellor - a few times. she has almost destroyed me, but i managed to get it back from the brink. and i've been on the brink a few times... it hasn't been a particularly pleasant time, these last 8 months...

Its clearly been very traumatic for you, so in order to put this episode behind you, you really need to know one way or the other whether this little one yours. Otherwise you can follow through with your plan, believe for the next few months that you have another son, eventually take the DNA test and find out that the child isn't yours. The only person you will have then punished emotionally is yourself!

MartinL_4

thanks for the advice everyone.

the thing is, i know deep down the kid is most likely mine. in fact, i'm 90% sure he is mine. i want him to be mine... i have no desire to punish him.

i have taken a couple of weeks off work around her due-date, with the intention of spending easter with my son. but again, deep down, i think i know i will be there at the hospital. deep down, i know i will give her the benefit of the doubt (again) and i know i will be a great father to my new arrival.

it has been traumatic, for sure, and i know it will turn out ok. maybe her and i have no future together - (we still have an appartment to consider, but that is another issue), but i would like to think that my son will be as loved by me as my other son. in fact, i know he will be...

my only issue regarding coming on here today, was to seek advice as to where i stood legally, in regards to why it is upto me to prove parentage, when i have done nothing wrong. and whether i agree with it or not, those regualations are a complete shambles - of that there is no doubt. it is a blatant wrong-doing with respect to the male side of the equation. these rules need to be challenged and changed, and again, how that happens, i have no idea...

i am still allowed to hate the baby's mother, and i have a feeling i will hate her for a very long time.

Zara33

Plonker! :rolleyes:

kelloggs36

You are not doing yourself any favours by acting in this way. As angry as you are (and yes, you have every right to be angry) that doesn't stop the legal wheels from turning. You put off formally denying paternity means that you deny yourself the right to have a DNA test via the CSA and that will cost you a whole lot more in the long run. You don't pay, fine, because once the CSA presume parentage because you didn't deny it, then you will slapped with arrears and the chance that they will put on a DEO for 40% of your net income and once the have a DEO in place, they won't let it go.

So do YOURSELF a favour, and deny parentage and get the DNA test as quickly as possible. If you don't then on your own head be it

happymumto2

MartinL wrote: »

thanks for the advice everyone.

the thing is, i know deep down the kid is most likely mine. in fact, i'm 90% sure he is mine. i want him to be mine... i have no desire to punish him.

i have taken a couple of weeks off work around her due-date, with the intention of spending easter with my son. but again, deep down, i think i know i will be there at the hospital. deep down, i know i will give her the benefit of the doubt (again) and i know i will be a great father to my new arrival.

it has been traumatic, for sure, and i know it will turn out ok. maybe her and i have no future together - (we still have an appartment to consider, but that is another issue), but i would like to think that my son will be as loved by me as my other son. in fact, i know he will be...

my only issue regarding coming on here today, was to seek advice as to where i stood legally, in regards to why it is upto me to prove parentage, when i have done nothing wrong. and whether i agree with it or not, those regualations are a complete shambles - of that there is no doubt. it is a blatant wrong-doing with respect to the male side of the equation. these rules need to be challenged and changed, and again, how that happens, i have no idea...

i am still allowed to hate the baby's mother, and i have a feeling i will hate her for a very long time.

Thats a bit more positive, unfortunately you won't change the CSA regulations, thousands of men before you have tried. I agree it is an unfair system I have a private arrangement with my ex husband, for the simple reason if I went through the CSA I would get 3 times more than I get, and as I earn more than him and he also has a wife and home to support I do not feel its fair. There needs to be a much better system in place that is fair to both sides.
I hope things work out for you and the little one.

looby75

MartinL wrote: »

exactly! like i said above, i have absolutely no idea how she could be expected to prove that the kid is mine, but she was the one who cheated, therefore it SHOULD be upto HER to prove this kid is mine - NOT ME!

and how she would go about doing that, i have no idea, but it shouldn't be upto me... i have done nothing wrong - why the hell should i be punished and have to provide all the proof!???

surely there's a pretty easy way for her to prove that the baby is or isn't yours.

Get a DNA test done on the other bloke she slept with. If it comes back he isn't the dad then you obviously are. (as long as you know she only slept with just one other bloke)

BTW I really do think you should just get the DNA test done. You sound very very bitter, exactly like I did 5 yrs ago when ex traded me in for a blond teenage bimbo. Bitterness destroys every good thing in your life if you cling on to it.... I found out that the hard way.

Soubrette

MartinL wrote: »

my only issue regarding coming on here today, was to seek advice as to where i stood legally, in regards to why it is upto me to prove parentage, when i have done nothing wrong. and whether i agree with it or not, those regualations are a complete shambles - of that there is no doubt. it is a blatant wrong-doing with respect to the male side of the equation. these rules need to be challenged and changed, and again, how that happens, i have no idea...

What would you have in its place though? A CSA that assumes that all females are lying and that just because a man denies parentage then that ends any claims for maintenance? Because as you've admitted, there is no proof that the woman could give that would prove a man to definitely be the father of her child - unless she stole your DNA.

At least you can prove your innocence or not - in the above scenario what would happen to the children who's fathers just denied parentage?

It's the best of two poor choices I'm afraid. If people were honest and responsible then we wouldn't need the CSA

Also please bear in mind that if I am hauled into the police station because I resemble someone who's committed a robbery - I have to convince them of my innocence with alibis etc, a statement that because I am innocent I refuse to disprove any allegations made against me will not convince the police that I'm not involved.

Good luck in what must be a terrible situation.

Sou

MartinL_4

looby75 wrote: »

surely there's a pretty easy way for her to prove that the baby is or isn't yours.

Get a DNA test done on the other bloke she slept with. If it comes back he isn't the dad then you obviously are. (as long as you know she only slept with just one other bloke)

BTW I really do think you should just get the DNA test done. You sound very very bitter, exactly like I did 5 yrs ago when ex traded me in for a blond teenage bimbo. Bitterness destroys every good thing in your life if you cling on to it.... I found out that the hard way.

thanks for the advice. on reflection, i probably will take the dna test. life is too short to be bitter and twisted.

i certainly don't want to ruin every good thing i have in my life - that would be catastrophic...

MartinL_4

Soubrette wrote: »

What would you have in its place though? A CSA that assumes that all females are lying and that just because a man denies parentage then that ends any claims for maintenance? Because as you've admitted, there is no proof that the woman could give that would prove a man to definitely be the father of her child - unless she stole your DNA.

At least you can prove your innocence or not - in the above scenario what would happen to the children who's fathers just denied parentage?

It's the best of two poor choices I'm afraid. If people were honest and responsible then we wouldn't need the CSA

Also please bear in mind that if I am hauled into the police station because I resemble someone who's committed a robbery - I have to convince them of my innocence with alibis etc, a statement that because I am innocent I refuse to disprove any allegations made against me will not convince the police that I'm not involved.

Good luck in what must be a terrible situation.

Sou

each case should be judged on it's facts. both sides of the argument should be heard, and a conclusion reached. surely that is not too much too ask from the csa.

in my particular case, if a woman cheats 9 months before the baby is born, and the potential father has proof of that fact, then there should be different rules and different outcomes...

i don't know what should happen, maybe she should get a vastly reduced payment. when i was a kid, my mother brought me up on benefits (3 of us in fact) after my father walked out, and i turned out alright (although some on here might argue against that). there was no csa back then, and people just had to survive as best they could. why should it be an different nowadays?

i understand why fathers should be made to pay, under normal circumstances, ie. the mum and dad just don't get on anymore, and they already have a child/children. both parents should accept equal (or as equal as can be) responsibility, both financially and emotionally...

both each case should be judged on its own merits, instead of just tarring everybody with the same brush. ie. you are the named father, therefore you will pay, REGARDLESS of your circumstances...