Support for people with Depression

Tiff_2

Hi newly!
How are you hun?
I was looking back over a few of your posts and this one made me pause and think. I know you've been having a bit of an up and down time recently and just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.
A couple of things struck me and so I'm going to wade right in with all four paws as usual. Please don't throw anything heavy at me!

newly wrote:

I've got a doc appt on monday for something and still debating whether to talk to her about some sort of tablets
Thing is, it isn't every day for me. Monday I wanted to lock the bedroom door and not come out for a month (but forced myself to go to work). Felt a bit better as day went on. Tuesday I was fine. Weds I just didn't really want to carry on living, not that I was going to do anything, just that if someone pulled the plug on my life then that would be ok, I'd just give in. Thurs I felt a bit better untill the evening. And then friday felt down until I got up and got moving really.

Actually hunnie, it is every day for you. Even depressed people can have a good day or three. The fact that your mood shifts up and down can sometimes be one symptom of mental ill health. You're not a fraud in any way just because you have these temporary ups. I'm just a Tiff so please be sure to tell your dr about this to get a professional opinion, angel. Talking to your dr about meds - or any other kind of treatment - is a very sensible thing to do and there's nothing wrong with it. The fact that you're even thinking about this tells me that, deep down, you probably feel that you do need some kind of extra support to help you manage. Your dr will discuss with you all the options that are open to you newly, so please don't be afraid to open up and ask.

newly wrote:

Now I'm sat here crying coz OH wants me to make cups of tea for him and the kids all day and do stuff for him (while the kids sit on the backsides in front of the tv - one in their bedroom the other on the sofa and both watching althletics so I'm sat in the bedroom on my own - it's that or the kitchen and I'm fed up of feeling like the hired cook and waitress) and yet he can't go and get one thing from the shed for me and won't let me go and get it either. Tempted to just go get it and risk a row but not sure I can cope with an argument.
I can't even remember the last time anyone made me a cup of tea. The only time they make it is when I pop out to the shop for 10 minutes and then they don't offer me one when I get back. All hell would break lose if I did that to them.

You recognized something clever here angel. You tried to look after your health by not getting into an argument with OH/family and possibly end up making yourself feel worse. When we're feeling so low it's tempting - and probably deserved - but in my humble opinion, we should only do this when we're not feeling very poorly. There's no point in fighting battles that can wait when we're already so low. This doesn't mean that you should just put up with everything. It just means that sometimes we need to choose our timing, as well as our battles, wisely.

Having said that - I'm about to lose any credibility I have ever managed to scrape together 'cos it'll sound like I'm contradicting myself!- there are times when we do have to say something, especially if it's making us feel even poorlier and impairing our recovery over a period of time. In those situations, we do have to speak up because if things aren't changed, you're not going to be strong enough to get on with your recovery, iykwim?
Things need to be said somehow then, by someone else if not yourself, to give certain people a wake up call as to how you're being affected by their behaviour. We should make allowances for the fact that they maybe don't understand how depression makes us feel - and that may be because you appear to them to be coping really well. It's hard enough to look after yourself when you're poorly, let alone three others but you shouldn't be treated like that even if you were completely well! You have every right to be upset hun and it may help matters if you really opened up to OH and others about how they can help with your recovery.
After all hunnie, managing with a big struggle isn't managing - it's struggling. (hey look, guys - a Tiffism!)

OH won't let you go to the shed and there could be a row if you do?
How old are you angel? I asked this because I'm sure you're old enough to be trusted to go into a tiffing shed! I got quite tiffed off reading these sentences. I know garages etc. can be sacrosanct but maybe you should remind him of your status in the house, (i.e. bite him!), and then, as a show of ''respect'' for him, furnish said shed with a week's worth of clothes, food and a sleeping bag so that he can fully appreciate how fantastic his said shed really is! Should the opportunity arise, please feel free to employ a padlock once he's inside to ensure his privacy! Better still, put the kids in with him - he'll be screaming for mercy by 8pm.
As everyone here knows, I'm not of sound mind or body so if you get nicked for doing this behaviour...I KNOWS NUFFINK!

newly wrote:

I just feel like I'm so up and down that I don't really know where I am. I've got no money to fix the car at all, even when I get paid I've got nothing spare at all. Got no idea where or how I'm meant to get the money so I said I'd reduce my DMP payment for the month to cover it and he's telling me not to do that but doesn't offer any money or any help in fixing it or paying for it. Maybe I'll just put it in the garage and then not pick it up till I've got money. I don't mind walking everywhere, it's them that moan continually about not having a car and not being able to do without it. Then that'll wind up his ex nicely as well, since it's too much trouble for her to get off her backside and drop the kids 5 minutes drive to us, yet she expects me to do it 6 times a week to her twice a week. She even moans if she has to get up in the morning to open the front door to let them in - her own kids!! Sorry rant over for the minute.

Having read all that you're trying to accomplish while ill, I'm not surprised you don't know where you are, sweetie. I understand what you're going through and things are only going to change when you you prompt them.
I'm an old Tiff and can't remember whether you're already married or engaged? So I'm sorry for being personal newly, but does OH have money available to help you with the car and finances?
If so and he doesn't offer it, then you need to ask him to help. (NB - Remove wallet before locking him in said shed!)

I don't mean to sound nasty but if leaving the car off the road until you can afford it only affects everyone else and not you, then I think you should leave it until you can afford it. Your DMP is more important and maybe it won't hurt for them to learn that there is life without a car. I don't know her situation either, but it sounds like his ex could help more with driving the children. If you're without a car, she'd probably have to do so.
And if you're worried about anyone giving you grief or moaning about not having the car, maybe you could use a little white lie and say that the dr told you not to drive for however many weeks due to your meds? They can't argue with that reason.

Of course it's good to fight your depression hunnie and to try and manage your health issues. It's not easy at all but if we can, we need to try and recognize the times when we need more help of whatever kind and then ask for it - not just struggle blindly on. Otherwise it's just like putting a plaster on a leaking boat.
Things take time in recovery and there's no point in moving on to the next step of coping if you're struggling with the stage you're at now. That's not always what we want to hear but it can be the best thing for us. Listen to what your body is telling you angel and don't feel bad about putting yourself first for once. Please go and have a chat with your dr, newly.

I gave up three catnaps to write all this,, so I'll be amazed if any of it makes sense! You know where we are if you need us hun.
Be kind to yourself angel.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Tiff_2

Hi hayley!:hello:
How are you, hunnie? There's no need to ''sneak in'' hayley - you're welcome here any time. I think it's great that you did post and that you find posting here helps you.
And as for ''rambling' - have you seen my post to our newly?!!!
Let's have a look hun...remember I'm not a professional so any thoughts I post are worth only slightly more than a free walk home!
Deep breaths everyone, it's going to be a long one...

hayley wrote:

Hi :hello:
Is it ok if I sneak back in? I haven't posted in here for a long time but I just feel like I need to talk to people who understand what i'm going through and you're all so lovely and kind. The last few weeks have just been so awful, i've been having a lot of problems with my OH, we came so close to splitting up, I've got other health problems, and now my mum has fallen out with me, over absolutely nothing and she made me feel so bad about myself. I'm finding it very hard to see the point, in anything.
Even though my OH is partly to blame for me feeling so bad, I feel guilty that he's having to put up with me being like this again. I know i'm such hard work, especially at night and he has to be up for work and I just feel awful for being such a burden.
Everyday is hard work, such hard work, I didn't get out of bed til gone 12 today, I just lay there thinking about what I should be doing and I just couldn't make myself move. Because what's the point?

Oh hun, I'm sorry things are hard for you right now. Obviously I can't comment on family stuff because I don't know about the situations or mum and OH. How is OH partly to blame angel?
If your only support is coming from OH and mum hunnie, then it's bound to have an effect on your relationships, purely through the stress you are all under. That's not blaming you in any way angel, but more like recognizing that you're struggling and you could use some help. When we are really struggling, we should try and put your concerns with your relationships and other things to one side, just for now, hun and concentrate on looking after ourselves.
In my humble opinion hayley, this sounds like it may be depression talking. What you wrote about how you're feeling is very common, so you're not on your own there. Try and look at the way you're feeling as an early warning system that's telling you to see a professional and go get the support and the peace of mind you deserve. Stop yourself from using 'should', 'must' and 'have to', in your thoughts and speech. This is a famous trick of depression's, designed to make you feel even worse about yourself and to keep you in the negative state of mind where it wants you to be.
Remember you are ill sweetie, so you must be kinder to yourself, now more than ever.

hayley wrote:

I'm not on any meds at the moment, was taking some for a while earlier in the year but they didn't agree with me and I just stopped taking them. Didn't really want to go back on meds. I'm waiting for an appointment for CBT but been waiting a couple of weeks now and I still haven't heard anything. I wanted to go see my doctor today but can't get in to see him til Tuesday.
I just want to feel normal, get a job again and just live my life instead of feeling like this. Nobody I know understands, they all just think i'm faking so I don't have to work, not my boyfriend but everybody else. I thought my mum was on my side but it turns out she's not. I just feel so lonely. Sorry for rambling

Please don't ever stop taking any meds without consulting your dr first, guys. It really needs medical supervision.
It's a hard call to make over meds because some meds may have side effects that last for a few days or weeks or not at all, and some may take a few weeks to kick in properly. So the sooner you get started the better. If that med didn't agree with you angel, then the dr has a whole variety of other meds and resources or any combination of both, which might help. I completely understand about not wanting to be on meds. You can get so fed up of opening the bottle for yet another day. But if that's what it takes to help you feel better and supported, then it's worth it. Believe me, the dr won't want you on them any longer than necessary.

As for CBT hunnie, it varies in different parts of the country as to whether there's a waiting list so two weeks may have been a little soon to get a reply. It's not just a case of one person seeing you because they usually have mental health team meetings to discuss cases - which is good because it means that there's a check system in place to give priority to the severest cases first. That doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to be way down the list forever and ever, though some areas do have waiting lists for months in advance.
It may help you to know that the lists are constantly reassessed because people recover, move etc., and don't need any further help and staff resources become available again. Either way, I should think they'll be in touch with you soon, and if not then there's nothing wrong with giving them a call or speaking to your dr about it. And if you continue to struggle, you should return to your dr and if they feel it's necessary, they can contact the Community Mental Health Team and update their assessment.


The NHS Choices website lists some external websites for CBT if you want to start some exploring while you're waiting, guys. Please remember this is not meant as a substitute for working with a professional. I haven't used them myself so I can't vouch for them - use your own judgement here.
www.moodgym.anu.edu.au - information, quizzes, games and skills training to help prevent depression

www.livinglifetothefull.com - Free online life skills course for people feeling distressed and their carers. Helps you understand why you feel as you do and make changes in your thinking, activities, sleep and relationships.

www.fearfighter.com - (free access can only be prescribed by your doctor in England and Wales)

Mental ill health is cruel and I do understand how you feel hayley. It's a lonely and very personal illness which tends to creep in and finds every vulnerable spot we have and then creates some more. It's so frustrating because there's no time limit for these things, no instant 'cure'. It usually takes us quite a while to become depressed and so it makes some kind of sense that it can take some time to sort it out. So it takes as long as it takes and it won't be hurried.

By getting help now, you're giving yourself the best chance of finding what's best for you and what deserves to be into your life.
I don't know if anything here has helped you, hayley but please remember people do care. Let us know how you get on hunnie.
Be kind to yourself.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

newlywed

Thanks Tiff - you really made me smile - our shed is much more of a small cupboard in the garden - you can't even stand up in it - it's only about 3.5 foot high and not even as wide as that so no laying down either :rotfl:It has a padlock though so if I could shove them all in there, it'd be tempting to lock them in even just briefly

I did speak to my doc, well I sobbed to her anyway. She seemed to think it was part of the natural bereavement process and all completely normal (whatever normal is ). She signed me off for two weeks which helped a bit, and then I saw a homeopath which helped again. Partly I think because to give me treatment she needed me to open up about how I feel - I'm not good at that unless I'm angry The treatment she gave have helped me too - less fog in the brain since taking them. I also read some bits about depression from dummies guide to overcoming depression. Found it helpful to identify things.

I think a huge part of my problem has been from getting married - sounds bad but what I mean is, I moved out of home, got married, inherited 2 kids for half the week. I lost my identity a bit, my freedom almost entirely, my independence a bit, and partly lost my family - my dad refused to come to the wedding and would hardly even speak to me for ages. Even though I was over 30 it seems he didn't trust my choice in hubby :rolleyes: (Thankfully we were talking more before he died) I didn't really realise how much I had lost by getting married, and though I don't regret marriage for a minute, I do miss some of those things.

I think a lot of the problem too is OH is depressed and has only just this week admitted its possible - hurrah! He went through a nightmare divorce with his "wife" standing up in court telling lies about him so she could try and get a divorce from him (it was her sleeping with an 18yr old whilst still living with OH so she didn't really have the grounds for divorce so made stuff up that the judge didn't believe anyway).

He doesn't want tablets but I think some counselling or cbt referral would really help him. I can see how much his behaviour is affected by what he went through.

Any ideas what else a doc would suggest to him for depression? He already exercises and eats more healthily than me.

I'm hoping this means we can both see a way forward, for a happier us.


Edit: You did want part of my life story didn't you :rotfl:

Amber_Sunshine

beachbeth wrote: »

Sometimes too much emphasis is put onto the size. Its how it operates that is the main thing!:rotfl:

You've obviously never tried a Latinamerican import. Satisfies both requirements

Horasio

I need some comforting and encouraging words

My stepdad died 3 weeks ago suddenly and we cremated him last week.

Since then, we received my son's mobile bill, still under contract to us till November. It got stolen and he didn't report it for 2 weeks, so it's very high. We had an argument and now he's paying us back.

But I am finding EVERYTHING an annoying drag, really really annoying and all seems so pointless.

My OH isn't helping, he is trying to set up a business and feeling stressed by everything too and being harsh, aggressive and nasty to me. What I need is some tlc and a break from everything but no-one is caring about my needs, yet I am doing what I can for them.

None of my so called Twitter or Facebook mates have said anything comforting to me bar one old schoolmate, so deleted a couple I thought were my friends. She suddenly stopped having contact with me 4 years ago and her FB page suggests she is just another goodtime girl and have nothing in common with her.

My mother is having to cope with it but can be very critical to me and undermining about our son. She has a blind spot about his stupid behaviour and will not stand up to him, so he runs to her when we are upset by his stupid behaviour, she says she is annoyed then bails him out.

I feel like running away and leaving the lot of em - I feel suffocated and unsupported by them

newlywed

Hugs to you CCStar. I've been feeling just like that (my dad died suddenly a few months back). Everything annoying and pointless and wanting to shout and swear at everyone and then just run away.

My doc said its part of the grieving process that you go through, the anger and mood swings can last for anything up to 18 months and are normal (though I am much better after only a few months thankfully). Can you take any time out, go away for a few days at all or just go out for days/long walks to get away from them?

My doc signed me off for 2 weeks and all I did was sleep and walk places. You need to find something you want to do for yourself and make sure you do it.

Give yourself a bit of time to feel sad over your loss, remember the things about that person that made you happy or sad or angry and the things you learned from them.

If you need to, go see your doc and ask for help.

My doc recommended cruse bereavement counsellors. Even just reading their free leaflets helped me to see I wasn't going mad and was just reacting as people do when they have a bereavement.

Have a look at some of these:
http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/free_leaflets.html

newlywed

Sometimes your friends don't really know what to say and unfortunately take the view where they don't say much. I've experienced that a lot too. I had cards sent from friends I haven't seen in ages and phone calls too. It was those who took the time to get back in touch that meant alot to me, even if they didn't know what to say.

Horasio

Thank you NewlyWed. I wasn't that close to him but it was close to the anniversary of my father's death 7 years ago.

What I am not coping with is everyday jobs such as shopping and cooking on some days. My OH not being very helpful and aggressive to me on top. I feel I am expected to be OK for everyone but no-one is helping me.

newlywed

CCStar wrote: »

Thank you NewlyWed. I wasn't that close to him but it was close to the anniversary of my father's death 7 years ago.

What I am not coping with is everyday jobs such as shopping and cooking on some days. My OH not being very helpful and aggressive to me on top. I feel I am expected to be OK for everyone but no-one is helping me.

Deaths always bring back feelings and memories of others who have died. It's still a shock and you still need to give yourself a bit of time.

I was the same with shopping etc, went shopping in sainsbugs and put who knows what into a trolley and spent £120!!! :eek:

There have been lots of fishcakes and ovenchip meals in our house, sausage and chips as well as chip shop visits! - and that is highly unusual in our house

Think of a few meals you can just bung in and not think about too much, if they moan then tell them you are struggling to cook and so they can do it if they like!

Talking to a cruse counsellor may help. It's free/voluntary contributions so no major money worries there. At least you could tell someone all your frustrations and have them really listen.


Have you told your OH how you are feeling? This was my biggest problem. It was 2 months till I cracked up big time because I felt like that, never told anyone, pretended to be ok and was screaming and crying inside. Cracking did me good - and got the message through a bit

And on finding out I'd cracked and was signed off work one friend did say, we thought you were coping extremely well.... maybe they don't realise.

Horasio

It's odd tho

The one off big jobs are fine, it is the little things. I had to turn down a job as I am feeling really snappy and annoyed by every detail.

It is amazing what you keep inside for appearances.

Yes I told my OH but he is stressing about time out from work and being quite abrupt, yet I spent 3 hours listening to him yesterday but he was trying to make me feel bad for wanting to talk to him, plus on Sunday, he had the 'what about me' aggressive attitude and saying vicious things to me. I need support too and I don't like my family making me feel bad about it.