I'm back (VERY SCARED) debt free diary

redstararnie76

Kelie,
You need to be really careful. If he's getting intimidating when he's had a drink, then it's really getting out of hand. Have you spoken to him (when he's sober) about this, and actually told him that he's frightening you when he's like that? If you haven't, you need to, as it may be the kick up the backside that he needs (it took something similar with my OH to get him even to the stage he is now, constantly trying to cut back). If you have and he hasn't taken notice then you do need to think about taking action and getting away, because whatever else he may let you down on, you shouldn't be made to feel intimidated of your own OH!

Shoe_Gal

kelie wrote: »

I really hope so. He hasn't phoned them yet and he's out again at the pubs with his best mate. I asked him to stay in and he said no, swiftly followed with can i have a tenner

Its almost as if he doesnt care if i end up going bankrupt. He's had the chance to phone up about some jobs but hasn't. I asked him to sign up with avon so he gets added to my team as im a sales leader but i imagine it would be me delivering the books etc.

I have to drop him off at his mates in 20 minutes, so he will be having a really early start to his session. and i'm left stuck at home fretting about money.

Hi

I've just read your thread through, and sorry to sound harsh, but you are being taken for a mug

Please look after yourself, your finances and your peace of mind

Shoe Gal x

rosered1963

Hi there Kelie. Glad your dad's funeral was a good send off. I hope you don't mind if I am frank here.

You are living with a chronic habitual alcohol abuser. Nothing you do or say, no persuasion, bargaining, appeals to his conscience, reward or punishment will make one iota of difference to his behaviour. Also remember that this is a progressive illness - it will get worse, much worse.

If, and it is an "if", your OH does actually stop drinking (forget cutting down, it does not work for someone at his stage - its like cutting down on heroin), he will need to totally change his life, dump his drinking friends and begin life anew. This may include you being dumped along with his friends, if he really decided to make a fresh start! Don't think for a minute that he will thank you for your support if he does actually recover - quite the opposite. (Co-dependency and all that.)

Has it reached the "tears" stage yet? Does he ever cry when drunk? That's the stage at which you are in for the ride from hell. Of-course, even without the alcohol and gambling (co-morbid addict, by any chance?), this man seems to contribute nothing but grief (and perhaps someone to care for?) to your life.

If you don't develop some self-preservation and end this now, you are in for a terrible time with him. He will drain you financially and emotionally, and no amount of money saving will make any difference. I wish I could save you from this, but I cannot - just as you cannot save him - only he can do that. Wishing you the best of luck, and actually, not that I am religious particularly, but sending a prayer up for you, because you need it. Save yourself from wasting your young life with years of gut-wrenching agony. You aren't responsible for this 30 year old man.

You sounds like a great woman. Please don't take offence. If just one thing I have said makes any sense at all - I'm happy with that.

kelie

Well he's gone out with £16. He scraped together a tenner then told me it wasn't enough and he went hunting for more money. He even said £16 wasn't enough and when we were in the car he was checking the ash tray holder thing for change (I keep a bit in there for trolleys) but he's had all that, so he took the extra 60p he found. How sad is that!?

I came back home, mum decided it was too late for me to go pick her up, so I came back and added an avon order from my friend to the online ordering system. I had some pizza and now i'm contemplating going up onto my other computer to get on with some web design work I have in. Otherwise i will waste this evening watching rubbish television.

OH said he is staying in tomorrow night. I won't hold my breath. If he doesnt it would save so much money. He doesn't have a football match tomorrow as far as I know which is good so no excuse to even enter the pub.

Has it reached the "tears" stage yet? Does he ever cry when drunk? That's the stage at which you are in for the ride from hell. Of-course, even without the alcohol and gambling (co-morbid addict, by any chance?), this man seems to contribute nothing but grief (and perhaps someone to care for?) to your life.

He has reached the tears stage on occasion. He goes one of 3 ways, really angry, really tearful or really stupid. The best one of all is when he comes home so drunk he falls asleep (passes out?) on the sofa and I can finally go to bed. If he comes back and he's not as drunk he then wants to play trivial pursuit on the wii and watch dvds with me and won't take no for an answer.

I've asked myself if its being alone thats stopping me get rid, but its definately not. My best friend offered to move in if he moved out and pay half the mortgage. So i would be financially much better off, I just can see the good guy i guess, and wish he would come bursting out the whole time. He sat on the floor earlier drinking a beer (he had 6 cans before he went out) as his dad brought him 3 down (how stupid considering they know) and said I really do have a problem , i really do need help and to phone that number don't i. I said yes you do need some help, but it's fixable with willpower and determination. He never called the number.

I have got to the point where I hate weekends. It's almost as if friday comes and a switch in his head goes *ding its party time*. but party time without me. mind you, i dont want to go out. I'm quite happy sitting at home with my kitten. Just wish he would too.

rosered1963

Oh God Kelie - its even worse than I thought - for God's sake, if you don't believe what I have told you - do some research and check it out.

"He doesn't have a football match tomorrow as far as I know which is good so no excuse to even enter the pub."

He doesn't need an excuse! He will either drink at home, or drink at the pub - soon it will be that he is either drinking, talking rubbish ten to the dozen, shouting, crying or sleeping. has he had the DTs? I bet he has. Unfortunately alcohol recovery nhs provision is extremely thin on the ground.. Even if someone is deperate to stop drinking, the doc will often give them Temazepam for a home detox. Lets hope you have several grand put by for the residential private treatment centre you will eventually have to pay out for?

"He scraped together a tenner then told me it wasn't enough and he went hunting for more money. He even said £16 wasn't enough and when we were in the car he was checking the ash tray holder thing for change "
Don't you understand Kelie that if he had £200, it still wouldn't be enough? I am afraid you don't seem to understand the way this works and the severity of what you are in for. Please read up on it, at least.

kelie

What's the DTs?

rosered1963

kelie wrote: »

What's the DTs?

The DTs is "delirium tremens". You can google it if you want to check.

Its alcohol withdrawal, usually in the morning. Where people are constantly "topping up" with alcohol, they stave off the DTs, but eventually, it comes on. It usually involves shaking, sweating, inability to eat, agitation (and sometimes tears) staring into the distance and a fearful feeling. It shows that the body and mind are in extreme distress and what it tells you is that your body is chemically addicted to alcohol. Sometimes the DTs can start as just "the shakes" where if you hold out yoour hands, they tremble a bit. does he ever drink before teatime? If so, its because he needs to stave off the DTs.

kelie

He does shake and today he had already had a can of beer before I got back from my avon rep meeting which was at 1:30pm _pale_

kdalwayskint

Hi Kelie

Just wanted you to know I am still around.

About 6-8 years ago, I lived with an alcoholic, thought with my love he would quit blah blah! Eventually, hun, he turned violent, I would not wish that on anyone, and I stamped it out there and then, got the police involved and that was the end of that one!

The guy I have recently split with well we have had a lot to deal with the 2 years we were seeing each other, I wont go into it all, but he had recently said that he looks forward in going to the pub more than he does coming to see me, and he knows he is developing a problem as he 'was' an alcoholic in his past, before me. Its not the reason we split, but it was in the back of my mind.

I hope you can get help with all this hun, its not going to be easy if you decide you want to be there for/with him, I would imagine your in for a bumpy ride for a while hun.

take care

Kelly
xxx

rosered1963

kelie wrote: »

He does shake and today he had already had a can of beer before I got back from my avon rep meeting which was at 1:30pm _pale_

Ok Kelie. This is extremely serious.

Whether you like it or not, it cannot go on as it is. Why do you drive him to the pub? Why do you let him take your money for drink? This is only helping him to drink. Maybe you do it because you don't want an argument. (same reason as his parents bought him drink - the night you talked about) This in some circles of theory on alcohol is called "co-dependent behaviour" and is extremely destructive for both of you.

This is a public forum so I can't really go much further as medical advice etc is not allowed on here. I could suggest a lot of general things you could do but it doesn't sound like you want advice. If you do, let me and others on your thread know.

One thing you could do is to contact ALanon - for partners and families of alcoholics. This will give you support, but will not help your situation.

The kindest thing you could do for both of you is for you to pack his bags and ask him to leave (when he is sober, obviously) He won't be on the streets, after all, as he has family. Then move on with your life. If you can't do that, you need to educate yourself about alcoholism quick smart - its all on the web - you just need to make time.