I'm back (VERY SCARED) debt free diary

kelie

Well, OH is going to portugal. Without me.

His parents gave us that money so we could both go out to Portugal to their villa and spend some time with them there, since they are there for 2 months. Anyway, after much arguing, and talking he has decided he is going to go on Tuesday for 7 nights. I'm not. Bit gutted about it to be honest as I could do with a break, but nothing I can do about it.

At least like some people have mentioned it will give both him and I time to think about what it is we want, and hopefully he will realise how much he loves me and how much of an a** he has been about things. My friend is coming to stay Wednesday until Saturday as its her 30th birthday we've got a bit of a party organised for the Saturday.

Meanwhile, OH's no drinking went well, he never had anything from Monday until today (Saturday) then of course he went out this evening as one of his best mates birthday is in the week. Typical. He said he would text me to let me know where they've gone if not into our town, but no texts. So I just have to wait now.

Frustrated with everything at the moment, the house seems like its down the end of a tunnel and it keeps getting further and further away.

kelie

Good news though, I'm a stone lighter on the gym scales when I weighed on friday!! Size 12 here we come!

kissjenn

Hi Kelie, like a lot of people I started reading your diary and couldn't stop (just look at the time). Also like a lot of people I had an OH just like yours. I married him at 20 and tried to finish it at 26 but well one last make up and we had a son. That became the biggest kick up the backside I'd ever had to ensure. I needed to make sure I could support him by myself and he became OHs biggest shield to me divorcing him - he lost his job as a brickie when DS was 12 months old and NEVER worked again. I was back at work full time plus OT so 50 hours a week when he was 6 WEEKS old to keep our debts paid. His parents told me to match his spending to give him a fright but I couldn't do it as all I could see were in my mind were the red figures doubling every month. It took me 15 years to go as he started holding my son back so he could use him as an excuse to not work. What finally finally did it was my mum casually saying she wouldn't be disappointed in me if I threw him out. A week later I delivered the ultimatum. It cost me £75k and I had to pay him maintenance otherwise he'd sue me for sole custody. i gave him the money and kept the child. He loves him so much the csa have just hit him with a liability order for non-payment for 3 years - he got the amount due per week down to a fiver.

Kelie, I've lain awake a nights waiting for the door to open and him to lurch in. I lost my mother and had to take my son to full funeral at 10 because he refused to help and babysit. I've cleaned up mess and made excuses and forgave and forgot til the cows came home otherwise I would have failed as a wife - we're very old fashioned up here sometimes.

I see everything reflected in you. Like everyone has said it's very easy looking in and horrible when its you. My tuppenceworth is for you to go and talk to someone at Cruse Bereavement. You've too much going on and you're spinning plates. They or your doctor or a counsellor can help you see the bigger picture again. This forum is about money but for you that's only one element and you're such a good person you don't want to let anyone down. The problem is seeing the wood from the trees, what's cause and what's effect. Almost like a big game of Kerplunk, which straws can you pull out to keep the marbles from falling and are there marbles you don't really and truly care about falling.

Sorry for the ramble and please come find me if you ever want to talk.

Take care of yourself. :A

PS One thing that struck me is how generous you are in your posts even to those you'd secretly like to stab. Howabout sending the link for your diary to OH's parents in Portugal, while he's there and asking if they can help, advise in any way? At the very least they see the pain you're in.

PPS Ex's parent redecorated is bedroom the day after our wedding and moved his granny in so he could never come back. There are warning signs if we look - I'm Mr Magoo :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

waterwatcher

Wow, like so many others on here i have found your diary today and have been moved to read the whole thing. The rollercoaster of emotions for just me as a reader has been imense. The YES!!! when you'd said he had gone and the sinking feeling when he came back. Unbelieveable feelings of resentment to your sister for what she is doing to your mum ...etc etc. I thought my life was tough and hard going.
Just need to say there has been some extremely wise and insightful contributions from other DFW's and it has made me feel proud of you all, oh for the love and support of so many wonderful people has made me feel quite tearful.
As others have said and as I know from my own disasterous love life (thankfully for me no where near what you and others on here have endured) you can only make changes when you are ready. As someone else wrote PLEASE read through your thread and listen to yourself. Yes you sound more positive but listen out for the on going excuses of you OH's behaviour. The wishes and hopes that things will improve, honey you'll be saying the same things in years to come.
The exercise at the gym will be great for your well being, self esteem etc and I am hoping with all my heart this will give you the strength to see the healthy and happy way forward.
All my love
Waterwatcher XXX

kelie

Thank you both for your replies I worry that sometimes I just moan about things on here, and that people will get bored, but it is such a good way to vent things, and also the support I have had from you all has been really amazing.

Not much has happened since I last updated, I feel a lot more motivated work wise (If I can get it in!) I finished off a job last week and the lady liked my work so much she paid me an extra £100 and gave me a bottle of pink champagne! Yay. Which was hidden away from my OH as I'm going to use it for my friend's 30th next weekend. Better exercise hard this week to make up for the alcohol! I won't be drinking at the party on Saturday as I have to drive back home.

OH ended up going into a bigger city last night with his mates, and didn't text me to let me know. I'd given up all hope of him coming home when I hadn't heard from him before 3am when I get a phone call at 3:30am asking to go get him from his mates house, they had all shared a taxi home. I said no way i was asleep, just sleep there tonight and get him to drop you off in the morning, which is what happened. He was drunk when he came back in though argh and we had sunday lunch at my mums. It went a lot better than expected, and she came back with us to watch the 4th Indiana Jones movie).

He's fast asleep on the sofa now, and in my heart I do realise I don't want this for the rest of my life. I want to spend my time with someone who wants to do things with me and treat me occasionally. It really hurts because he can be such a nice guy, but I think he has been so used to being single / short term relationships that he is selfish and thinks about him and not "us" or me.

I am trying to make my week ahead really busy so that I am not pining / moping around the house all week, so am going to sit down and make a to do list. One of them is gymming every weekday while he is gone for a couple of hours. I can't just sit on the computer from when I get up to when I go to bed. Mum mentioned a few meals with her, so that will be good as she will cook while I work then I'll go to hers for dinner Her and my friend really are angels.

Financially, although i've finished a few jobs, it's just going into my overdraft, so it's a bit crap. I need to earn a lot more before it is clear (mortgage due again on 27th of the month!) so all that I have put in, will just come back out again. Getting a bit nervous as I am nearing my overdraft limit.

Anyway must sleep now, meeting my sister at 9am at the gym, I still don't 100% know if I can trust her, but it's nice to get out of the house and spend time with other people, I don't do that enough.

lunar

How are you getting on? I hope everything is ok with you.

ped54

Hello Kelie......

Im one of the others who have just read your thread from start to finish.... Lordy - you have definately been put through a lot recently - I think I speak for everyone on here in saying that you are an incredible person to weather all of these trials and yet remain aware of your situation and with the sincere intent to make it better - you wouldnt still be here if not....

You have received a lot of very good and honestly heartfelt advice - I can see the passion in the DFW replies - people are honestly concerned for you - even if your not a person sat directly in front of them. My advice is similar, but ive been in your position so I can honestly see where you are coming from in a lot of respects.

Its with this experience under my belt that I feel I have the ability to appeal to you directly, especially regarding your partner. Its all well and good peope saying "Leave him! Leave him!" but they are not in your position - its only you in it. This is true - but Kelie this is true also....

You have a choice - you either want to improve your situation and move forward as a successful person - or you don't. If you want to - you need to be seperated from this induvidual. If you are not that fussed about improving your life and are relitively happy with the state of affairs at present then let things meander along untill you are forced (by bankruptcy or whatever) into a possibly worse situation, which you can accept untill it maybe too late to retrieve what you have achieved so far.

And lets make no mistake - you have achieved a lot! Im reading between the lines here but you have started your own business at a young age - and you have made profits - quite decent ones. You obviously have a talent for web design - and I bet you have studied hard to attain this skill. You have a mortgage - maybe that seems like a hinderance at the minute - but thats an achievement for someone of your age in this day and age too. You have so much going for you and it seems your OH is leeching on this success. Everyone on this forum can tell you exactly the same every day of the week - but have you honestly taken the time out to consider that what everyone has said and is saying is true? I think you know in your own mind everyone is right - but its time to stand up and actually do something about it, not just let month after month pass over - everyone telling you the same thing, and yet not do anything about it. He will not improve - and im not saying that he is going to go and all your problems will disintegrate - but they will be moving in the right direction with a lot of speed. Think of every time you give him money to go out - if you put that on your cards, or in your account to dent your overdraft a bit - ANYTHING but give it to him - then your situation will be so much better. I know you must care for him -love him even - but if this is the case you should cut him out of your life. I hate to say this Kelie but you are to blame for his state partly as you have been funding it.... Its like a spoilt child who will never improve because his parents continue to spoil him!

All of the other advice we can give you means nothing untill you sort the main problem out - that is the best piece of advice you can be given at this stage.

But babe - there are people on here who know directly how had this task is going to be. I was in a similar situation where I had an abusive OH, but an extreamly successful one - I had to give up everything - my apartment, my nice car, all my beautiful things, myfuture (people forget that you do see your future with these people and its hard to retrain your image of the future) I ended up walking out as I knew things were not going to improve - it was horrendous - but I did it and I realise that if I want a nice life I need to work for it myself - hece me being here - im clearing my debts, making a life, for myself.

We are all here for you - with you at every step - albeit through a computer screen. Personally I think you are a remarkable person, and I honestly believe you have the strength to do this.

Keep us updated - like I said before I think you have a lot of people on line who are honestly concerned for you - and wishing you all the best - m being one of them....... Ped xx

TheBex

Kelie,

I've been away for a while...

What's the situation sugar? Would you do us a total update on everything, so we can see the whole picture at the same time?

Hope you are doing well, looking forward to the update.

Bex xx