I'm back (VERY SCARED) debt free diary

TheBex

Kelie,

What a lot of progress. I'm sorry to hear you've been so miserable, but (please don't take this the wrong way) I'm quite glad that something has happened, because it lets you see things in a new way.

You said in an earlier post that you had the power, but I think that by letting him back you may have lost it. And now he's saying it's a trial? It's only his place to say it if you let him. He's been rubbish to you for ages, he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship at all, let alone with someone so caring and trusting that they will work as hard as you have been doing to look after him, save him from himself and put food on the table - and all that while you should have been being supported yourself through a very difficult time.

You gave him a month to get a job or he was out, and he didn't. But he isn't out because he made sure you wanted him by doing a runner first. If you give in again, you're just affirming his belief that he can walk all over you and it will only get worse. Can you imagine yourself marrying him, or having children with a man you can't trust to stay sober?

I'm sorry that this is harsh, but this guy is a waster, and he's dragging you down with him, and that is just not fair, but the only person who can stop it is you.

Please think about it again, and while you do remember that you have a good team (whoever wrote that first good work, I will put a thanks on the post after I've written this) and all of us and you won't have to look after him, and your BFF will make sure you aren't alone. And you will have a better time of things financially and you don't have children or joint assets with him. And you're obviously a far better person than he deserves to be with - think how much better things would be with the kind of man who does deserve you!

Keep us informed.... Good luck.

TheBex

(I'd just like to apologise for all the sentences I started with "And" because I do know really that you aren't meant to do that...)

duchy

And....... where's my Thanks Bex ? (Edit-Just found it)

Seriously you said it much better than I did Bex.

Seaxwyn

Kelie, I think Bex and Duchy are talking a lot of sense here - as an outsider reading your posts it seems very clear this guy is using you. Please, please stand by your guns and don't let him stay unless he abides by all YOUR conditions - and quickly.

duchy

Trouble is it's easy when it isn't happening to you.......it's hard to be objective when it's your own situation. This guy sounds manipulative and knows which buttons to press. My concern is 3 months down the line Kellie is still supporting two people and will have blown any chance of buying her ex-partner out and will lose the house-and if they have no-where to live-would he stick with her or dump her again and go back to his parents

I guess the best advice is.......If this was happening to your best friend-What would you be saying to her Kellie ?

kelie

Oh I start sentences with "and" all the time So no worries there!

Can you imagine yourself marrying him, or having children with a man you can't trust to stay sober?

Just want to say I wouldnt get pregnant with him the way he is or even consider it. I am a bit flustered but I do have a sensible side too and that wouldn't be fair on the child.

Today I got up really early as I had to take mum to the CAB for some advice on her situation (basically dad didn't really plan anything financially for when he passed away, but it wasn't his fault bless him). and they gave her some good advice, she cant get help with the funeral costs, or any benefits (she is on disabled living allowance at the lowest level). I think she can get Beareavement Benefit for a year, but thats all.

Anyway after listening to the CAB guy, I have decided to go back tomorrow about my own mess. The big debt that I owe to the american/EU company is back to bite me in the !!! again. Basically I offered them £200 a month to try and make them leave me alone. Big mistake. I paid it from October, till January then I couldnt afford February or March (or April!). and they emailed me asking for immediate payment for April's amount. Which I don't have. I emailed back explaining my circumstances but they arent budging. They said if I make these payments for 6 months, they will reevaluate it after that period to maybe lowering the payments.

Anyway I am going to go to the CAB tomorrow with all my debts, my last years accounts and explain that my income took a nose dive when dad was really ill (basically the past year). and see what advice they can give me. Ideally I would like a few of my credit cards on a pay back £10 a month thing I have noticed a few people doing, but I have been making the minimum payments on my cards so far. As for the big debt, I have no idea what I can do other than pay them.

On a positive side, not sure if it will happen but because my mum can't afford to stay where she is, my sister has suggested she uses money from the sale of my dads old house to put into my house, and have an agreement drawn up so that when it is sold, she gets the % back that she put in plus any profit - and buys my ex out. The only thing with this option is that my mum would have to move in with me. Me and OH are happy for her to do this, as it would ease the big burden on me all the time (and OH has said he is getting a job to help out too), but my mum isn't so keen on moving in.

If that option doesn't work, next time I see BFF, I am going to talk to her about the idea that was mentioned on this thread about her coming in on the mortgage but not putting any money down. That might be another option. I picked up a council housing form today just in case, I think i might fill it in anyway as a backup and if I don't need the house when my name gets to the top of the list I will let them know if my circumstances change.

I am so stressed out, I can't believe all this can happen to one person in the space of a year and 5 months!

kelie

I guess the best advice is.......If this was happening to your best friend-What would you be saying to her Kellie ?

I'd have kidnapped her by now and stopped him from seeing her. Not a good answer really is it

duchy

kelie wrote: »

I'd have kidnapped her by now and stopped him from seeing her. Not a good answer really is it

It's a very good answer....the next question is ....Why are you a better friend to her than you are to yourself ?

kelie

It's a very good answer....the next question is ....Why are you a better friend to her than you are to yourself ?

You know, if he wasn't so nice when he was sober I would have got rid a long time ago. He has just come back from watching football at the pub with his mate (funded by me, managed to talk me around). Firstly he asked to be picked up over an hour late. Secondly, I had prepared roast lamb chop dinner for him to come home to. He said the lamb is overcooked, theres too much rosemary on it... I can hear him complaining downstairs right now. Oh and he wanted another bottle of wine from tesco when he came home, and made me feel intimidated to get it saying that women take from men too often so its good that its the other way around, that he is the black sheep of the family.

Now see in the morning, he will be lovely. He will apologise and promise it will never happen again. I am an emotional wreck.

Seaxwyn

Kelie he may be lovely sometimes but he is reliably horrid a lot of the time. Please listen to your gut feeling and move him out of your life.