I'm back (VERY SCARED) debt free diary

kelie

Only me checking back in again, just had some really bad news, I FAILED the credit check for the halifax mortgage!!!!!!!! He said to go onto experian, order my report and see what's up. I did that and the only thing I can see that's causing the problems is that I haven't changed the address of the electrol roll to this one when I moved back in, and the amount of credit applications I have made. Unfortunately, AVON counted as one of them!!! along with my numerous card tarting

I have printed it out and im going to go through it, because without this I can't do anything

kelie

me and some of our fellow debt free wannabees may have to band together and kidnap you and your cat for your own good. Take care of yourself, your posts just seem unhappier as you thred progresses.

Bless you!!! That made me smile, even at a time like this

Wordsmith

Thinking of you, Kelie. Don't give up on the mortgage - try somewhere else.

What's it going to be like in the house when your b/f is talking to you and treating you the way he is and your mum is there to witness it?

Stay strong.

epsilondraconis

Hi Kelie - looks like things are still tough for you at the moment. Nightmare about the mortgage as well. We'll all keep our fingers crossed that it all goes through okay.

I'm wondering whether it will be a good idea for you to send your partner off to his mum and dad's house anyway to see how he gets on. Say to him that you are hoping that during that time he will come to his senses a little and understand that you are doing this for both him and you because you want a nice future with him. Give him whatever money is left over from the £300 and let him fend for himself.

I really really hope it all works out for you. I just wish we could all do something more practical to help out rather than just posting on here.

MadamMim2013

Felt I had to say... You really need to put yourself FIRST!!! You're no good to your mum or anyone else if you make yourself sooo stressed that u become really poorly.

I've been in a similar situation (man situation) only I had his children too. He was selfish and ignorant, always thinking of him and no one else. :mad:
After a very nasty bout of quincy I became depressed, but it led me to get help.

Eventually when I stopped being the doormat, slave, donkey etc he walked out on xmas eve 06!!! (great timing 4 the kids)
That said I was free, I moved on got divorced, found true love (and acceptance!) and learnt that unless u value yourself no one else will!!!!;) (excluding your mum, that's unconditional)

I'm sending u huge hugs, you've been through so very much in such a short time. I too look after my mum, whom is ill with lung disease. It's hard to watch but I value the time that my boys and I get with her.

You sound like such a loving, kind person, perhaps it was time you showed a little love to yourself, got tough and send that poor excuse for a man packing.
:mad::mad::mad: is what I've thought as I've read through each page!

Sorry :rolleyes: don't I go on!! x

kelie

Thinking of you, Kelie. Don't give up on the mortgage - try somewhere else.

What's it going to be like in the house when your b/f is talking to you and treating you the way he is and your mum is there to witness it?

Stay strong.

I think it wouldn't be long before he moved back in with his parents if mum moves in to be honest. He won't cope with the extra person being there. When people come to visit, he hides for some of the time in a different room. He has major issues I think.

I'm wondering whether it will be a good idea for you to send your partner off to his mum and dad's house anyway to see how he gets on. Say to him that you are hoping that during that time he will come to his senses a little and understand that you are doing this for both him and you because you want a nice future with him. Give him whatever money is left over from the £300 and let him fend for himself.

Contemplating it! I know for sure he'd be back as soon as he ran out of money. No doubt about it, with his tail between his legs saying everything I want to hear. I'm really annoyed tonight. It's my mum's birthday and HE offered to cook mum and me a special steak meal, and spend the night in with us. Anyway I went to the butchers and got some really nice steak (mum paid me back) and came back and he announces his mate is back off holiday and a bunch of the lads are going out drinking tonight and he was going. I was shocked and said well what about mum!? He said he'd have dinner then he would go out, which he has done. and of course because his mum gave me the money he wanted £15. Which I gave him to save a massive arguement while mum was in the other room.

Eventually when I stopped being the doormat, slave, donkey etc he walked out on xmas eve 06!!! (great timing 4 the kids)

OMG!!! Really sorry to hear that, must have been very hard especially for the kids

I have noticed the more I say no, that's not happening that way etc he doesn't like it and wants to leave. He thinks I should be the good little (well fat in my case) girlfriend who stays at home and he knows exactly where she is at all times for him to come home to

I don't think much of myself, I've come to understand that but I think it's come from years of people telling me so. I have really low self esteem, and I comfort eat I'm trying to stop that but i'm not very good so far!

MadamMim2013

Kelie, u are who u are!
After years of believing you had to be thin/perfect/model like to be loved (ex husband wasn't always complimentary bout my weight gains....):mad:
I met a man who's taught me I'm loved even if I put on half a stone just walking past a bakery (let alone eating anything out of it!!) or if i've not managed to shave my legs for a week (or 3...:o)
He loves me, accepts how I am, and always tells me I'm beautiful no matter what I'm wearing/doing.

I really feel you'd be soooo much happier (in the long term) being away from this obsessive control freak!
He's too busy messing up his own life to notice he's recking yours!

It's hard and miserable when your alone at first.... then you realise it's far better to be a little lonely than stuck with someone who has no care for how u are and what u need!

If u know comfort eating is a problem then try to find a distraction.....MSE forum is a good start (There's a ban on eating near the computer in our house)
I can really appreciate how tough this will be. I've swung between a size16 to 26 to 12 to 22 to 18 to 22 to 14 and I'm now at a 16 and happy (ish;))

You sound so torn between settling for life as you know it or opting for the scary "unknown"... it's not so scary, honest and at least with the numpty out of your life YOU get to chose where to go from then on and how u wanna live!!!

Right I'm gonna zip up my mouth now.....:lipsrseal lol x

oohh hope u're mum's ok? :lipsrseal:lipsrseal:lipsrseal

Cheery_Daff

Hi Kellie

I've just sat and read the whole of your thread over breakfast (a very long breakfast!). I wouldn't normally do that but was drawn in because some of your situation is similar to mine. But first I wanted to say I was sorry to hear about your loss and all the trouble and nonsense you're going through

I had a boyfriend who worked, but I never saw much of the money. He didn't go out drinking with mates, he just didn't come home from work til early mornings, having stayed out drinking on his own or with work people (worked in a bar, of all things!)

I spent time waiting for him, being disappointed, paying bills because he couldn't, lending him money, ringing work and making excuses for him not being there, apologising to friends for him being absent or a prize idiot, and buying him beer, and generally picking up the pieces.

I left, and he told me he walked in front of a tram. The sad and appalling thing is that I didn't believe him. I'd heard stories to get sympathy one too many times..

Anyway, I trotted myself off to Al Anon. I know a couple of people have mentioned it, and I know you said your nearest group was quite far away... I just wanted to say that I got so much love there, so many people who understood what I was going through. Nobody will give you advice, or tell you to leave your partner, or not leave, or whatever. You make your own decisions. But they will tell you that you didn't cause his drinking, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. You have to look after yourself and your own wellbeing, which involves being able to pay your bills and feel comfortable in your own home, with whoever is there.

Even if you can't get to an Al Anon meeting, you can ring the head office and they will give you the number of someone local to you, who you can then have a chat with. Sometimes just talking things over with someone new, who's been in a similar situation can help! I think they also have some internet groups too if you can't get to one in person.

Sorry if I seem like I'm going on! It's just that I'm 29 now, and was 23 when I met the bloke who drank, and I feel like I lost a good couple of years in there somewhere. I dragged myself out of that with the lovely al anon people.

Having said that, do what you feel comfortable with. You ultimately know what is right for you, even if you can't see how to get there right now.

Good luck! Hope your mum moving in works out alright.

Daffs
xx

redstararnie76

Kelie,
Re the mortgage - the same thing happened to us. The electoral address is really important on checks, you must be registered correctly - get it changed and try again!

kelie

Thanks both of you, for replying. Daff, you sound like you went through what I am going through, definately... so i appreciate you coming in here

My latest update, my ex has given me a few months to try and sort out my credit rating. To do this so far, I have added myself to the electrol roll, I have dissassociated myself with OH, and asked natwest to remove the late payment the month dad died on my CC. The guy told me to make even £10 above minimum payment which will be good for my credit rating. Of course i'd like to pay all my CC's off, but that's just not possible right now.

I am going to be ebaying / amazoning more stuff, and anything I sell I am going to put the money to paying off CC's. Even if I pay one off, and close it down, that would be good for my rating.

In other areas, my OH has damaged his elbow, he managed to break the membrane or something which means its all swollen, and filled with poison and fluid. He has been put on 1000mg antibiotics a day for 2 weeks.. of course this means NO DRINKING! If he drinks, it wont work and he will end up in hospital as the poison was travelling up his arm.

The weekend before last he came home very worse for wear after being at the pub and intimidated me into giving him some of his mums money that she gave me for bills. He has stashed it in the bedroom , hidden away from me because he said it's not my money. I feel quite hurt by that because she gave us both that money either for flights to portugal to meet them out there at their villa, or for bills / mortgage etc. Anyway, I wasn't going to argue with him when he was drunk just in case.

I have suggested to him, that he uses some of that money to get a flight to portugal on his own to give us a break from each other and for him to really think about what he has done / is doing. I'm not sure if he is going to go or not.

My mum is really depressed, she found out that only 2 people made donations at dads funeral for the 2 charities of our choice and was really upset by it, the 2 people who did donate weren't even family members.

On a good note, I decided to actually use my gym membership instead of cancelling it. I know i should have cancelled it but I am so fed up of being podgy, I am going 3 times a week now with my sister. If nothing else, it gives us a time to catch up and time away from the house to try and think about things, and it's healthy for me