I'm back (VERY SCARED) debt free diary

cocalls

I think when people are drunk their true self comes out, please dont put up with this any longer

duchy

I have a very wise and lovely friend who I've known from some years-we met not here but through other interests-she posts on here sometimes.
She works with women who are abused-domestic abuse victims-and she has some interesting things to say about men who never lay a finger on women physically but undermine them or use intimidation. It is just as damaging.
Look it doesn't matter how nice he is SOMETIMES-it's the othertimes. You have told us you feel intimidated into giving him money, you feel scared when he gets angry, he's pushing you into buying him booze again-a day after you told him you wouldn't buy him ANY. You have a house to save, he's not helping you do so-in fact he's taking from that fund by expecting you to support him -when he could continue to be in a relationship with you but live at home thereby removing the financial burden on you- I can see what's in it for him but honestly I'm at a loss as to what's in it for you ! There are lots of decent blokes in the world who dont see women as a meal ticket but whilst you're with him you're unlikely to meet them. Please think really carefully about where you want to be by the end of this year -it isn't about him getting a job-if he treats you like this when he is dependent on you financially -how is he going to treat you when he has no need to be nice to you get his boozing money ? I know you're scared of losing him-but I'm more scared of the damage he's doing to you both from a self esteem and financial position..

Swinstie73

Well said Duchy - I agree Kelie, my sister's ex would undermine and verbally abuse her (funnily enough he was a big drinker too) - she had two kids by him and he even accused her of his youngest not being his and finally got rid of him after losing tons of weight and self-esteem. She's now happily on her own with the kids - nobody deserves to be treated disrespectively. You deserve someone who cherishes the ground you walk on - don't settle for anything less. x

HockeyDuo8083

kelie wrote: »

You know, if he wasn't so nice when he was sober I would have got rid a long time ago. He has just come back from watching football at the pub with his mate (funded by me, managed to talk me around). Firstly he asked to be picked up over an hour late. Secondly, I had prepared roast lamb chop dinner for him to come home to. He said the lamb is overcooked, theres too much rosemary on it... I can hear him complaining downstairs right now. Oh and he wanted another bottle of wine from tesco when he came home, and made me feel intimidated to get it saying that women take from men too often so its good that its the other way around, that he is the black sheep of the family.

Now see in the morning, he will be lovely. He will apologise and promise it will never happen again. I am an emotional wreck.

Hi Kellie,

Just read your thread with great interest and I think the peeps who have been posting on here have been fantastic; some really excellent advice.
I have to admit when I read a previous post from you saying he had left you I felt happy for you. I thought that could be your turning point to a bigger brighter future. Please don't let this waster sponge from you anymore.
I had a terrible bf at one point, we were together for 3 years and he never paid a penny to anything. Rent, food, bills, travel everything, it all came out of my pocket. I had a lightbulb moment though when i had supidly asked him to take some cash out the machine for me. i checked by bank and he had cleared the lot, saying he needed it for a night out:mad::mad::mad: I actually snapped and kicked him out, clothes in bin bags the lot!

after all the drama it was like a fog had lifted and I could see my life clearly for once. Talk about love is blind!

Anyway the above post make me angry for you; don't be a doormat. Be strong and positive, you are more like his carer than his girlfriend.
You seem like a sensible clever person so have the confidence to look after number 1 - YOU CAN DO IT!

Sorry but I can't stand seeing people being treated like a doormat.

Good luck and keep on posting.

p.s if you need any meal planning tips etc then pop over and see us on the Old Style board, we are warm and friendly and always have plenty homebaking!

kelie

Thanks guys for your replies. I was so angry last night. He's gone to play football with his mates, they play in a regional county thing. Afterwards though I bet he goes back to one of their houses / to the pub. He asked me for money to take with him, I said no. In fact he doesnt even have any credit on his mobile phone to call me, so will have to borrow one lol.

Tomorrow I am going with mum into the halifax to see what options we have re the mortgage. I know I have a fixed rate until December this year, and the penalty payment for getting out of it is £3500 ish, so we'd need to do it after this unless someone is willing to cover the penalty which I can't see myself.

TheBex

Kelie,

I don't want to nag, that's not going to be productive. I'm sure you know that your man is useless and when you feel strong enough will send him packing.

I was wondering where you are with everything else? Avon, real work, bills, mortgage etc. You know everything other than how rubbish your silly OH is. How are you coping with the loss of your Dad, I hope you aren't just putting it to one side because of everything else?

Obviously we all still care about the boy situation, and you must feel free to rant when you need to, that is after all part of the point of having a diary. I just feel like I've said everything I can on that front.

Chin up chickpea

Double_Trouble

Kelie I have read your thread and just had to post. You have had lots of posts about your OH but only you can make the decision about that. There is something else I want to talk about. Your Mom moving in with you. Please don't rush into this for both your sakes. Your have lost your Dad only recently it is too soon to making decisions like this for both of you. You are only young one day you will want to settle down (hopefully with someone who deserves you) and have a family. Your mom is lonely right now which is understandable (you say she was dependant on your Dad) she needs time to work out her life too or else she will transfer that dependency on to you. You will end up caring for her and your OH and not having a life yourself. I know financially it may seem a good idea and you don't want to risk losing your house but you are risking your right to an independent life. My Mom lives with me has done for the last 12 years and I love her to bits but it does change your life and you have to make sacrifices. I am older than you and was already married but our family life is sometimes one of compromise so I do know what I am talking about please think carefully. I am worried about you and your future. Hope you don't mind me putting in my four pennyworth. DTxx

kelie

Thank you for your replies. My mum moving in isn't really my choice. Basically she lives in a house that my half sister owns, and my half sister now wants to rent / sell the house out at a profit (mortgage free), so my mum hasn't got anywhere to go. The council house list is too long She is registered on the disability living allowance and hasn't been able to work for around 6 years due to arthritis.

We went to Halifax, I can take the mortgage on in my name, if mum puts in some money as capital and we pay off my ex). We'd have to get a solicitors agreement drawn up so that my mums money goes back to her if and when the house is sold. They won't charge me the penalty fee, but I will still be stuck in fixed rate until December 2009 (at £709 a month - 5.99%). Then it will go to the variable standard rate, which he said was 3.5% at the moment, or could take another deal. One option someone mentioned to me was to open an ISA, and start a standing order, and go onto an interest only mortgage until things pick back up. I worked out if the mortgage was only £85000, an interest only mortgage at 3.5% in december (if things stay the way they are) will only be around £300 a month. That would substantially reduce the outgoings (and mum would contribute with her private pension / bereavement benefit) and the OH would have to get a job, or move out. If he moved out, my friend also said she could move in and share the bills with me and mum.

It's not ideal. I am so used to having my own space and I'm sure there will be arguements a plenty. Mum was dependant on dad, and now it has transferred onto me as she can't drive. Work wise I have been working really hard. I actually made a commission on this Avon campaign yay! lol. And hoping to reach team targets to get my commission on that too. I explained to my sales leader I can't afford the petrol to be galavanting around signing people up, so he said he would drive, so all it would take is my time. We could also canvas locally for people too.

As for the web design, I finished a project today, so £600 will be coming my way next week. Yay. Except mortgage is due and i'm already £2500 into my overdraft so I won't see that long. I went to the CAB today to speak to a debt specialist and she wants me to fill in something similar to an SOA like on this site. She said she could write to the credit cards explaining my situation (but i do need 1 or 2 cards left working to pay for my web server if that is possible).

OH still not making an effort to find a job. I do know there arent many around here right now, but I'm sure he could do something. I thought he could offer his services mowing lawns, or gardening (I can make leaflets!), or he could wash cars.. anything. I think he thinks he is above it to be honest.

cocalls

kelie wrote: »

Thank you for your replies. My mum moving in isn't really my choice. Basically she lives in a house that my half sister owns, and my half sister now wants to rent / sell the house out at a profit (mortgage free), so my mum hasn't got anywhere to go.

i don't quite understand this Kelie-number one no offence but i think your half sis is being quite heartless evicting your mum when she's just lost her husband, has she always owed the house and let your mum and dad stay there rent free? If so why has the situation changed? If she desperatly needs the money why dosn't your mum claim housing support and maybe rent out a room if that falls short. I think becoming your mums carer (as it sounds like that would effectivly happen as your mum relies on you more & more)will be v hard. And in the meantime only offer to drive your mum places on a week end as tell her you work during the week! (Which is what you are supposed to be doing!)As im sure things can wait till then.

kelie

She doesn't need the money as she is getting 2k a month payment from her soon to be ex-husband. I'm not sure why she is doing it to be honest. My mum is devestated.

My ex declined my £11,500 offer to buy him out. I have gone up to 15k but can't go any higher. Am severely stressed, having pains in my lower left hand pelvis and am booked into the doctors wednesday.