I'm back (VERY SCARED) debt free diary

kelie

He didn't drink even a drop! We stayed in and watched the new rambo (his choice) then anger management (mine lol), he ate so many sweets i'm surprised he wasn't sick. I felt really queesy in the middle of the night so I couldn't go do my avon rep signups today.

He hasn't had anything to drink today yet either but he is so grumpy. He wanted a few cans to get the confidence to go to my mums for sunday lunch but again I have said no. I am not giving him any more money for drinking period. If he chooses to get a job and drinks, then thats his choice but if it gets to excess like it has been then he will be moving out.

I don't want to be treated like it anymore. On a side note I am thinking of setting up a business card design service with printing provided (need to find a printer to do it with), at a very reasonable cost. Print design is something i've not done a lot of as I am a web designer but I've heard its a lot easier going from web to print than the other way around.

epsilondraconis

Hi Kelie, I'm not really sure what to say other than I really feel for you. I'm a guy and have to say that there really is no reason for you to put up with this.

It is bad enough that you are paying all of the bills, trying very hard to sort out your finances, copying with the stresses that come with living with an alcoholic, but on top of all of that, the parents of your OH seem to compound the problem by bringing around alcohol when they visit.

If I were in your position I would have a serious chat to them. Tell them what you are having to cope with and also tell them not to bring alcohol around to give to their son.

Also, is there any chance you can talk to his best mate. Perhaps the best mate of your OH also has a drink problem. If so, can you talk to his partner, if he has one, to see if you can get some support. If the best friend of you OH doesn't have a drink problem, how about calling them and telling them the situation and ask them to cut back on the drinking.

Perhaps you need to give yourself a deadline, after which your OH has to leave, if things don't improve. Perhaps you can tell your OH this also, but making sure he understands that you are doing this for him also.

You must not feel guilty and feel that it is somehow your responsibility alone to sort out your OH. The responsibility is with him, with the support of his family and friends.

There is the saying that you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. Now although that probably isn't the most appropriate analogy in the world, I hope you see the point that sometimes, people for some reason have a self-destruct button inside of them and there is nothing anyone can do. The question is, will your OH continue to drag you down too.

Please don't think I'm having a go. I would like nothing better to read your posts in future and you say that everything has worked out fine and that everything is great with your OH. I guess deep down, we are all wondering how likely that is.

The main thing is that you take care and don't go through this alone.

epsilondraconis

Kelie, how about you sit down with your OH and draw up a kind of to-do list. On that list there are things that you both need to do and stick to. You must both sign up to this list - perhaps stick it on the fridge door. e.g.

1. You are both going to sit down with the parents of your OH and his best mate and tell them the situation and ask them to help.

2. He is going to ring up the various help lines and seek help.

3. He is going to apply for jobs and do his very best to get one.

4. Your OH is limited to a certain amount of alcohol during any one week.

5. You are both going to keep a spending diary and record everything and I mean everything that you each buy.

6. You are going to be diligent about completing your web pages etc and ensure you pursue people when they owe you money for work done.

7. At the end of each week you will both work out your finances to ensure you both know where you are.

Plus any others that you / others can think of.

I think that if you do something practical like this, it gives you a bench-mark against which you can measure progress on a weekly basis. My fear is that the weeks will just drag on without anything changing. You will find that you are getting deeper into debt, you are becoming more emotionally drained and your partner is making himself even more ill.

Hope this helps anyway...

kelie

Hi I really want to reply in detail but I don't have much time at the moment so I will say thank you and I will reply later to you

epsilondraconis

kelie wrote: »

Hi I really want to reply in detail but I don't have much time at the moment so I will say thank you and I will reply later to you

Don't worry about thanking us, worry about yourself for a change. You are your number one priority.

kelie

It is bad enough that you are paying all of the bills, trying very hard to sort out your finances, copying with the stresses that come with living with an alcoholic, but on top of all of that, the parents of your OH seem to compound the problem by bringing around alcohol when they visit.

I don't think his mum has told his dad as he would go completely nuts but perhaps thats exactly what he needs. Tbh i am not sure if his dad also has a problem as I have only seen him with a drink in his hand too. Difference is he had a full time job, a good one at that until he retired. I think I will talk to his parents again about it if this "no alcohol" thing doesnt last because I need their help. He is their responsibility not mine.

Also, is there any chance you can talk to his best mate. Perhaps the best mate of your OH also has a drink problem. If so, can you talk to his partner, if he has one, to see if you can get some support. If the best friend of you OH doesn't have a drink problem, how about calling them and telling them the situation and ask them to cut back on the drinking.

I think my OH best friend maybe does have some sort of problem, however he is getting a divorce from his partner at the moment. Again he has a job and saves his drinking for the weekends. He is very much into fitness and the gym, so I talked with him a while ago about getting my OH back into fitness again and in turn that would maybe stop the drinking. I did explain about the amount he was drinking too, and he told me he would try and avoid as many situations around drink as possible. I phoned him yesterday after OH kicked off the night before, and we had a good heart to heart about it all. He is concerned like me and thankfully is willing to help (or i hope).

Perhaps you need to give yourself a deadline, after which your OH has to leave, if things don't improve. Perhaps you can tell your OH this also, but making sure he understands that you are doing this for him also.

I like this idea a lot! I think the idea of having a deadline by which to apply for jobs / a weekly target for example might be a plan. That way he has to shape up or ship out. I managed to get him to sign up with Avon and do a territory so we got extra houses and although he seemed a bit miffed as he thought it was a "womens" job, he agreed and signed up today.

The question is, will your OH continue to drag you down too.

That's what i definately don't want to happen, which I guess is why I came here. I tried once before but I didn't really realise my situation financially was as bad as it was, and I assumed (i'm not a brat honest) that my parents would be able to fix it all but since my dad has died, my mum can barely afford to live herself and the funeral spent all of her savings. I realised a long time ago that I can't be bailed out all the time and I have to get off my !!! and fix things myself. I hope that doesn't portray me as spoilt, because I really am not, I just didn't see things spiralling quite so badly as they have been.

kelie

Kelie, how about you sit down with your OH and draw up a kind of to-do list. On that list there are things that you both need to do and stick to. You must both sign up to this list - perhaps stick it on the fridge door....

I love this idea. I am going to come up with a list of things that we need to work on / targets / what to stick to and discuss it with him. I think pinning it on the fridge is a good idea, so we can always see it and maybe give us stars / rewards (non financial) for each week we stick to it. Bit school like with the star thing, but its always good to see when you are on track. I think i probably should apply the same principle to my weight loss as that's flown out of the window recently!!!

My fear is that the weeks will just drag on without anything changing. You will find that you are getting deeper into debt, you are becoming more emotionally drained and your partner is making himself even more ill.

I must admit I think i've come to the end of the line so to speak, the crossroads. I am so tired all the time, emotionally and physically and I'm hardly ever happy any more which is not me. With everything put together, dealing with losing my dad, worrying about my mum (who was dependant on my dad), debts, OH, possibility of losing my house I have aged rapidly in the last 6 months which is NOT good. Getting rid of OH would save a lot of money, and although i would be heart broken I would be able to rebuild my life. I don't want to go down that route, but if the worst happens and I have to choose between OH, or keeping my house / escaping bankrupcy, I will choose the latter.

epsilondraconis

kelie wrote: »

I hope that doesn't portray me as spoilt, because I really am not, I just didn't see things spiralling quite so badly as they have been.

On the contrary. The fact you are on here looking for advice speaks volumes.

If there is a spoilt one here, I would say it is your OH.

Glad to hear his best friend is also on-side.

Keep posting - everyone who has already posted on this thread clearly wants the best for you and for you to happy. It may be a tough few weeks / months ahead for you, but keep focused on your main goal 'your happiness and your well-being'. The happy days will return - with or without your OH.

epsilondraconis

I too lost my Dad recently. A horrible experience - worst experience of my life. It really made me take stock of things. I guess it made me realise how fragile life is. I have no idea what happens to us once we pass, all I know is that in the relatively short time that we have on this earth, we may as well make it as happy as possible.

I'm currently in my mid thirties. It doesn't seem that long ago when I was at school; however that is more than half of my life ago. Its scary how time passes - you blink and suddenly another year goes by.

Anyway I'm rambling now.

kelie

Boyfriend: None, not allowed JSA:mad: Tell him to get job and don't give him another penny until he does. Why are you paying for him? He is draining you, get rid unless he gets a job.

I have told him he needs to start applying for ANY old job. The one worry i do have is that if he gets employment that he wont give me any of it anyway in which case he will be leaving. His attitude is a bit "my names not on the mortgage" type thing which isn't fair since he is living here.

Contents & Buildings Insurance: £29.37 Have you checked MSE comparison sites to compare. I saved £400 on my BTL mortgage insurance:T

Will definately check that, i'm with paymentshield at the moment, which the ex organised, but i noticed norwich union direct is doing free contents insurance when you get buildings. I think i will investigate this week.

Gas/Electricity: £74.50 Have you checked that you are on the best deal?

Not sure, I'm with scottish power. I would like to see what alternatives there are although when I switched my old flat to npower, I ended up paying more when I was promised it would be less so a bit nervous about switching.

Water: £33.33 (paid every 6 months) Are you on a water meter? Might be a best option. If you are on a water meter, and you decide not to cancel your gym membership, use the gym for showers.

I think I'm going to cancel the gym, and my ex won't let me change the water supply. It's one of those ones where you rent the pipes, for sewage and water and pay for the amount used. Don't think it is a meter though as it's new build Dec 2007? I could check on my bills. Mind you I have FAR too many baths, so what I will start doing is not using the bath as often and shower, and also if me or OH does have a bath share the water. (its okay we are clean anyway lol).

Broadband: £25.75 Do you need this? Library? If you need it for work get them to pay for it or at least include it in your quotes.

Definately need this as am self employed, and tied into 18 month contract. Thanks BT! One thing i want to sort out is how often its paid because at the moment its quarterly which is quite a whack each time its due.

Sky Digital: £44.58 Cancel or reduce to the bare minimum, get freeview. You don't need it!

Stuck on contract BUT I can lower subscription down to the minimum until the end. I never find anything to watch anyway lol

Sentanta: £14.99 As above.

Have decided to tell OH I am cancelling unless he gets a job and pays for it himself. I guess same principle could apply to sky as well as he watches most of it. He is starting doing avon in a different area to me, so that technically could pay for it. Will suggest this week when we do that list of things to stick to.

Council Gym: £28.50 Cancel, go for walks, runs etc. Use your dinner hour to have a brisk walk, leaving the car at home saves petrol and is kinder to the environment, so walk in to town, or to the shops etc.

Definately cancelling. Reluctantly, but havent been in ages. Was going to start going back as I really want to lose weight but I can always rejoin. There was/ is no joining fee.

Pet Plan (new policy BSH cat): £10.13Sensible, (check the comparison sites again to get the best deals) but you could put that £10.00 in a "cat " fund and let it build up. I know vet bills are very expensive but it might never happen, then again it might and you will have a little towards it.

I thought about a cat fund, but i worked out it wouldnt really be saving much per year. My cat is a little insane and likes to run into doors / windows i'm scared he might get a bit dare devil ish and hurt himself. So keeping petplan for now. Could change to argos pet insurance or a cheaper one if he doesn't show any signs of getting ill. He's an indoor cat anyway so he wont pick up anything from outdoors.

Life Assurance: £9.87 (covered for 25k in case I die mum can pay off debts with it) Have you nominated your mum to recieve the money on your death. Have you checked it will pay out? Be absolutely certain that this policy is exactly what you need. If you die, will the debt not die with you? It's your mum, not your partner. I didn't think debt passed to anyone other than your partner and then I am not sure. If you have any estate, make a will. The debt will certainly be taken from that and the remainder left to your benficiaries.

I don't have a will at the moment, I have 1/2 share in the house I am living in with 30k deposit put down of my own. I didn't know the legal situation about what happens if someone dies and their debts etc. I assumed that it got passed onto next of kin whoever that was?

o2 Mobile Phone: £35 Pay as you go?

Contract still got 16 months left to go

Entertainment: £120 - basically OH going to pub every week Stuff this! £120 for what? That is £120 in YOUR bank. If he earns it then that is fine, but you are a fool if you pay this out for him!

Has stopped.

Food and Drink: NO IDEA, but far too much. Must Budget. Make your sandwiches for dinner, don't buy any lunches out, never shop when you are hungry, have a shopping list, go to Lidl, Aldi, Netto or to Tesco, Sainsburys after teatime. They reduce lots of fresh food. Today I bought, a huge bag of apples, a bag of pears, a bag of tomatoes, some grapes, salad for £2.30. That will last nearly all week. Set your self a goal ( pay off £1000 for example) when you have done this, only then, eat out and then only once and keep it cheap. Fish and chips, or a picnic.

Have changed majority of shopping to lidls, and a few bits and pieces from either tesco / somerfield. I need to stop spending money on things I don't really need and concentrate on eating on a budget. If OH stops drinking (past 2 days - nothing yay!) then that will reduce the bill substantially.

With the £19000 debt to the company, I had just split the business from my ex boyfriend and tbh I didn't really know how much it was bringing in, so I assumed I was just doing really well from it. I didn't notice the error until they told me about it, and thats when they asked for it back. I told them i didn't have it and it was all spent, but woukld agree to repaying it a bit at a time, and them stopping any future payments and using my earnings (its affiliate marketing) to pay off the balance of the debt. They agreed, but I haven't been able to make payments now for 3 months. No emails /letters about it yet but I'm sure they will start chasing very soon. I can't afford to pay them really, only other alternative there is increase the marketing I do to increase my earnings with them to pay it off, but that takes time.

Thanks btw for your advice