Would you pay for the child's coat?

shirlgirl2004

splishsplash wrote: »

If the boy with the ripped coat was upset or traumatized by the incident, I'm guessing the coat would be the last thing on his mother's mind.

The school contacted the OP about paying for the coat only - not to complain about the rough play.

If I was the OP, I would certainly have words with my son about the standard of behaviour I expect from him, on or off the playground, but that's different to making him pay and apologise for something just because the other mother is demanding money.

That is my point, most people seem to think that it is OK for the other parent to be out of pocket when the OPs child admits to damaging the coat. If you damage something belonging to someone else you should right the damage. I am gobsmacked! If I damaged your car accidentally and wrote a letter of apology, would it be enough? I doubt it! The cost of the item is irrelevant the child needs to learn the principle.

Speckled_Egg

Good for you, Jet. If you all accepted responsibility then she would have £30 for a new coat. I think that's more than enough. Accidents happen. Everyone with kids should expect it. If she wants her son to wear an expensive coat then she shouldn't let him out to play.

I think you have acted fairly and reasonably. You don't have to be friends with everyone and neither does your son. I hope he's okay. They all sound horrid!

moggylover

Nicolefury wrote: »

Dragging someone by a hoop isn't an accident though is it.

Nope, but the damage that it caused IS, and is something that kids would not have even given a thought to when rough and tumbling at school.;)

Let's have some perspective on this! We have a nation whose children are getting less and less active, and this is having long term consequences for their health. One of the few places where they can be active and play in the "old-fashioned" sense of that word, is in the school playground. Part of the learning processes of team-work and co-operation go on in such rough play and the last thing that a bunch of primary school kids need to be worrying about is how expensive their clothes are and how they might get damaged in charging about and playing!

Personally, I think the best "school uniform" at this age would be Tesco value jeans and cheap polo shirts and jumpers! What the kids are wearing is NOT important, that they learn to play and run around together IS. This is a school yard and not a fashion parade and the only conceivable reason for spending that amount of money on a coat for a child to wear to school is "show" - which is not something that I think we should be teaching primary school kids anyway - although I fully expect to get flamed for that:D .

Had this been deliberate damage such as cutting the sleeves off with scissors or ripping off a hood on purpose, then yep I would agree that the lad needs to be made to pay for that. However, in order to learn the consequences of his actions in this situation he needs only to see the damage that occurred and apologise for it sincerely.

The ridiculous cost of the coat is neither here nor there in the argument and the mother must count the cost to her own stupidity in spending that much on a coat which is not practical for the school yard rather than expecting children to play gently around it: which is neither likely, nor (as far as I am concerned) to be wanted. Children need to PLAY, not look after their clothes, at this age.

What actually happened is that three kids were involved in some perfectly normal rough play, and an overpriced bit of kit got damaged! This is hardly an unlikely occurrence (Lord knows my DS1 goes through trousers like no-ones business no matter how much they cost:rolleyes: ) nor any kind of a "crime" and I think the mother is well out of order in blaming others when her child was playing as well.

I'll get me coat cos I know that is not a fashionable attitude nowadays:o

moggylover

RoxieW wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I'd be furious if my son had been dragged along a playground by two other boys, whether it was their turn with the hoop or not. I'd be annoyed at the ripped coat but that would be a secondary concern.
Both my sons have £60 coats which they wear for school. They wear their coats every day of the winter months - normally for 2 years as the eldests gets handed down - so I want them to have something hard wearing, warm, practical and stylish that they can wear for all occasions. If their coats got ripped in this way I would be mighty cheesed off as it;s unnecessary. All this boys will be boys and rough play wouldnt really wash. If I've read it right they're in year 6 so old enough to know better in my book.
Fair enough, accidents happen but the circumstances here arent accidental. They were annoyed because they wanted the hoop so they snatched it from the child and dragged him across the playgound with it. What's accidental about that?
That said, I prob wouldnt ask for the money but this womans obviously got more balls than me lol. I'd certainly have a good old moan about it and a word with the teacher!

By the very same token, the lad could always have let go you know;) , then his coat would not have been ripped - and so perhaps mummmy should be telling HIM he will have to pay for his silly behaviour;) .:D

moggylover

shirlgirl2004 wrote: »

The thing that gobsmacks me the most is that people think dragging another child around the playground is OK because they are all boys. No wonder that children don't know how to behave!

You know, I don't see it as being anything terrible at all! I have seen kids doing exactly that sort of thing in the school yard and all killing themselves laughing (including the one being dragged) at the same time.

Furthermore, I may be very old: but I can remember just as much horseplay in the playground in my day (which was the 60's when parents really would have had trouble affording to replace damaged clothing) and because it really IS normal behaviour for kids no-one back then would have given it a second thought.

Even at my fairly "posh" grammar school, I once went home with a badly ripped skirt on my (ghastly) summer dress because someone had grabbed it whilst we were (healthily) playing tag:D . She wasn't intending to do damage, went to grab me and got my skirt instead:D The boys thought it was great cos me bottle green knickers were well on view:D

Course we didn't have playstation in those days, so rough and tumble play was a lot more "normal".:D

toshkininny

actually it does make you wonder where the dinner ladies, or whoever parades the playground were, if no-one saw anything as obvious as someone being dragged along the ground!

Jet

When my son fell off the school climbing frame and lost one of his adult teeth, half of another adult tooth and split his lip and face so badly he needed 8 stitches, this was the Mum who asked me "have you found out who pushed him?" She couldn't accept my response of that my son was simply playing and he fell. She thought I should sue the school. :rolleyes:

I was devastated for my son and his face is more precious than any item of clothing I could ever buy, obviously. The incident cost me money in that I needed time off work, the costs to get to hospital (65 miles round trip) etc. etc. and his face is scarred for life and he will be forever having to have his teeth capped and filled - at a cost to him in adult life. I have never told him not to play on the climbing frame (and indeed fell off a year later and has another scar on the other side of his lip. :rolleyes:). Perhaps I should have demanded the future dentistry costs and lost wages from the other children on the climbing frame at the same time?

We are facing an epidemic of obese children and yet, we disapprove of active play. Conkers are banned, cart wheels and hand stands are banned, skipping ropes are banned, kids aren't allowed to play in the snow, no-one gets the "bumps" on their birthday anymore. The only time kids are allowed to be active is in approved sports situations where we could sue an adult if someone or something gets damaged.

Kids will play rough - that's not the same as fighting or bullying. Kids will play with a ball near to windows, they will run around and not look where they are going, they will play leapfrog, they will play tag and latch onto someone by their clothes, they will climb trees, make dens, ride their bikes and fall off or into someone. It's part of learning.

I want my son to be active and learn through play. I want him to learn consequences for his actions and I appreciate that people think I should recompense the Mum completely. My son turned 11 a few days ago and now understands that fabrics are not indestructable and he won't be acting in this way again, he also understands that there is a financial implication in his actions. However, if the situation were reversed, I would not expect the same from another parent and it would have been my son who would have had a "talking to" about taking responsibility for his coat and to have let go of the hoop so as not to have caused the rip. Those are my standards and I will do whatever I would expect if the situation were reversed. In fact I believe I am doing more than I would expect. It has been very interesting to read all your views and I wanted to see if my standards were way off the mark. Thank you to everyone for your comments.

lostinrates

moggylover wrote: »

You know, I don't see it as being anything terrible at all! I have seen kids doing exactly that sort of thing in the school yard and all killing themselves laughing (including the one being dragged) at the same time.

Furthermore, I may be very old: but I can remember just as much horseplay in the playground in my day (which was the 60's when parents really would have had trouble affording to replace damaged clothing) and because it really IS normal behaviour for kids no-one back then would have given it a second thought.

Even at my fairly "posh" grammar school, I once went home with a badly ripped skirt on my (ghastly) summer dress because someone had grabbed it whilst we were (healthily) playing tag:D . She wasn't intending to do damage, went to grab me and got my skirt instead:D The boys thought it was great cos me bottle green knickers were well on view:D

Course we didn't have playstation in those days, so rough and tumble play was a lot more "normal".:D

I was always ripping clothges as a kid, by myself or playing with others, and i was made to mend them myself. While I agree totally with everything you have said the OP cannot control the behaviour of coat -mother, and so has to respond accordingly. I think she has found good middle ground, and being an optimist I see it as a good learning oppertunity for her son.

allIcouldwishfor

Jet, I admire the way you have handled this incident. You have been more than generous in your offer and I believe you have shown a good example to your son. You sound like a lovely person and a great mum.

jellyhead

toshkininny wrote: »

actually it does make you wonder where the dinner ladies, or whoever parades the playground were, if no-one saw anything as obvious as someone being dragged along the ground!

Maybe it's been exaggerated and he just fell over? I can't believe that two boys could tell the teacher that they did actually drag a kid around the playground (why didn't he let go?!) and then not be punished for it - the teacher clearly thinks the two boys didn't drag the boy very far, and don't deserve detention.

Incidents like this will no doubt lead to the banning of hoops, or even playing - in our primary no toys are allowed because they cause too many arguments and the head has better things to do than mediate between all the squabbling children at the end of every break or lunch time.

They have even banned running at the primary my boy will go to, because parents complained about grazes and holes in the knees of trousers.