Would you pay for the child's coat?

Jet

My son is 11 years old and in year 6 at primary school. I'm a very placid person but I did have a falling out with a rather fiery Mum a few years ago over me not organising for her son to get to cub camp. I had already made arrangements for my son and she had said she would talk to the Mum who was taking my son, in the meantime my Mum had died. She phoned me and when I told her I had had rather a bad week, she told me she had too :rolleyes: . (she used to spend hours telling me how she couldn't get the right marble for her kitchen worktops) Unsurprisingly, I told her that my Mum had just died and I was busy dealing with coroners and funeral directors and I was very abrupt. It was the final straw after a number of incidents - including one where she told me my son's father (ex husband of 12 years) was perfectly right not to pay me maintenance and that he shouldn't go on holiday with our son as he had his new woman's children now and he was right to go away with them but never to take our son! :eek:

Anyway, I have since avoided her like the plague.

I have this afternoon had a phone call from my son's teacher who has told me that this woman is demanding that I pay half of her son's £55 coat as my son has ripped it along with another boy in the playground.

My son has admitted ripping it but insists that he was simply playing and that the other boy wouldn't give them back the hoop that they wanted, fell over and then my son and his friend dragged him along by the hoop.

My son's teacher has insinuated that she has had a fair bit of trouble from this woman and has simply told me what she has been asked to do by this woman. I know the other parent won't pay for the coat as she is a single parent (as am I) on a low income. I am toying with the idea of getting my son to write an apology, explaining what happened and giving her a token £10 towards it with the understanding that is goodwill only.

If my son had maliciously ripped the coat then of course I would pay and profusely apologise and punish my son, but I can't help feeling that this is just boys being boys. My son regularly comes home with mud or rips on his clothes. I feel that this woman has had it in for me and my son for a while (they used to go to the same childminder).

My son is one of the better behaved children in school and certainly not perfect but his teachers always tell me that he is fairly quiet and gets very good marks especially in literacy - he's the top boy in the class.

So what's your opinions?

Thanks.

SugarSpun

What I'd do is to expect my son to pay for some of the damage, either by earning money for doing things for you or from pocket money or savings. 28 quid is a ridiculous sum of money to expect from you, but I'd make sure my son offered a token payment. It might have been an accident, but the damage has still been done and the other woman's unpleasantness doesn't mean he shouldn't offer a token by way of replacement.

lostinrates

Regardless of the history to the incident your son was involved in the damage, all be it accidental, of someone's property. It would seem three boys were involved, your son his friend and the other woman's son, and so I would pay 1/3 of the damage and ask your son to write a letter of apology for his part in the event to the other boys mother. That way you have acted undeniably with good intention and your son has learned a lesson in being careful!

The previous incident has no relation to this, and if you don't put it aside you risk teaching your son some less than great attitudes about other people's property, holding a grudge (albeit an understandable one) and failed to teach him to make a cool and fair decision and assessment. And your son has to be your first priority

Nicki

£55 is quite a lot to pay for a primary school age child's coat. Is it likely that this is what the coat cost in the first place, or is the mum just annoyed that it has been ripped, and exaggerating the cost of replacing it? Also, do you know how badly ripped the coat was and whether it is capable of being repaired. We are in March now, and tbh the child will not need a winter weight coat for many more weeks, so it makes little sense to buy a new winter coat for him now.

I can understand the mum is annoyed. I recall when my son had the hood ripped off his coat as a prank by another child in year 2. I was annoyed that I had to replace the coat for him (as we were still in the midst of winter at the time and we walked to and from school come rain, hail, snow or shine, but it wouldn't have occured to me to demand that the other child's mum paid for the replacement.

I agree with others that you have to put any personal history with this parent out of your mind, and treat this incident as though it had happened to a friend of yours. What would you do in those circumstances? If you would offer to try to have the coat repaired, or to give a reasonable condition hand-me-down coat belonging to an older child to the mum, then that's what I'd do now. If you'd pay for all or part of a replacement for a friend, then again that's what I'd do here, but IMHO £55 is too much to be asked for.

Damzel_In_Distress

If it even was £55! How could you possible know that is how much is really cost? ..It could of only been £20

I think what you said about writing her a letter with a "token" £10 in,is the best idea.
I remember this happening to boys all the time when i was at school,why there were playing-even in high school it happened. I never remember parents asking others for money!

If she doesnt accept the letter and token gift,then i would definitly be asking her to provide proof that,that is how much her sons coat cost.

jackiegibbo

£55 for a school coat:eek: :eek: :eek:

However if it was myself in your position i would make sure i paid half the cost(perhaps the school will let you pay them a weekly amount),

KellyWelly

If it were my son's coat, I would not expect the other children to pay for it unless it was willful destruction. Personally I think £55 is a stupid amount to pay for a 10 or 11 year old's school coat and really you have to expect kids to come home with a torn hood or seam now and then.

However - if my son had damaged another child's coat I would more than likely consider paying a contribution to the coat but I would speak to his teacher first and get the measure of the situation, if you see what I mean. Ask the teacher outright if your son did indeed damage the coat and if it was an accident or not. Make it clear to her that you want your son to pay up if he is at fault but that you have 'history' with this woman and you don't want to be punished financially for something because she is out to get at you.

Has the other mum been asked if the coat can be repaired? A dressmaker might only charge a tiny fraction of that to stitch a seam or mend a tear.

Jet

Indeed this is the woman who told me to sue the school when my son needed stitches in his lip when he fell off the school climbing frame.

My son has had a number of rips in coats, trousers etc. and I have never demanded money from anyone and I am far less well off than this woman who lives a very comfortable life. Not that that should matter but she knows mine and the other parents circumstances. If I was her, i would ask for an apology and not demand money that as far as she is concerned will mean my son and I won't eat this week!

Jet

KellyWelly wrote: »

If it were my son's coat, I would not expect the other children to pay for it unless it was willful destruction. Personally I think £55 is a stupid amount to pay for a 10 or 11 year old's school coat and really you have to expect kids to come home with a torn hood or seam now and then.

However - if my son had damaged another child's coat I would more than likely consider paying a contribution to the coat but I would speak to his teacher first and get the measure of the situation, if you see what I mean. Ask the teacher outright if your son did indeed damage the coat and if it was an accident or not. Make it clear to her that you want your son to pay up if he is at fault but that you have 'history' with this woman and you don't want to be punished financially for something because she is out to get at you.

Has the other mum been asked if the coat can be repaired? A dressmaker might only charge a tiny fraction of that to stitch a seam or mend a tear.

The teacher has told me she didn't witness the incident and that from what she has been told, it was playing that brought this on. Perhaps my son and his friend shouldn't have forced taking the hoop from him, but then perhaps the boy should have given them the hoop when asked?

aliasojo

Nicki wrote: »

Also, do you know how badly ripped the coat was and whether it is capable of being repaired. We are in March now, and tbh the child will not need a winter weight coat for many more weeks, so it makes little sense to buy a new winter coat for him now.


I agree with others that you have to put any personal history with this parent out of your mind, and treat this incident as though it had happened to a friend of yours. What would you do in those circumstances? If you would offer to try to have the coat repaired, or to give a reasonable condition hand-me-down coat belonging to an older child to the mum, then that's what I'd do now. If you'd pay for all or part of a replacement for a friend, then again that's what I'd do here, but IMHO £55 is too much to be asked for.

I agree with Nicki that it would be useful to know just what the damage actually was and if it is repairable. A proper seamstress repair wont necessarily be cheap but it'll be a lot cheaper than a new coat. Especially divided 3 ways (the lad himself should be included in this as far as I'm concerned).

I dont think it's relevent whether he will need a winter coat for too much longer or not though, the fact remains the coat is damaged and that is really the only point that should be taken into account imo.

I also dont agree that a hand me down should be considered (sorry Nicki).....I would blow my top if someone did that to me.

I'm also not sure that offering a token sum of money is a good idea before finding out more info about damage etc.

lostinrates

Jet wrote: »

Indeed this is the woman who told me to sue the school when my son needed stitches in his lip when he fell off the school climbing frame.

My son has had a number of rips in coats, trousers etc. and I have never demanded money from anyone and I am far less well off than this woman who lives a very comfortable life. Not that that should matter but she knows mine and the other parents circumstances. If I was her, i would ask for an apology and not demand money that as far as she is concerned will mean my son and I won't eat this week!

She sounds like an idiot. But there it is, there are idiots in the world. I think my point about your son and his moral/civil education being your issue. Your son will see the impact of his acident and make sure he is careful, and he will hopefully learn to apply compassion and forgiveness when his belongings are damaged, knowing how hard replacing things can be.

It does sound as if you need some safeguards here for the future, and I'd talk to the school explaining the concerns you have.