Negative Paternity Test

monicaj

gangaman wrote: »

I've been reading this thread with interest and some emotion. I am in a similar situation, and have been paying for my son for 12 years, currently at the rate of £520 per month. I have known almost from the start that it is likely that I am not his biological father although I am named on the birth certificate and have PR.

I drive 300 miles round trip every other weekend to see him and we speak everyday on the telephone. There is no doubt I am his father and he is my son. I don't care who the biological father is, nor do I wish to know. My feelings toward his mother are ambivalent.

I could no more risk my relationship with him than fly to the moon. Of course the £40k plus would make a great deal of difference to my life were it refunded but not as much impact as it would have on my son.

For me parenthood is not about biology, it is about commitment, consistency, but most of all love. I detest the CSA not for what they do but for how they do it, but I would give all I have and more to ensure my son approach adulthood in a secure and supportive way as possible. When the time is right he and I will have this conversation and it will be about relationships not the cost of them.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I commend you on your approach to the situation and respect your views and decision not to do anything for now. I do believe however, the "right time" is still going to leave your son devastated at some point in the future when he understands the deceit. I guess when he's older, you will probably stand a better chance of maintaining your father/son relationship.

I sincerely hope it works out for you.

whitewing

This is such a sad situation. I am of the opinion at the moment that all monies should be refunded to the 'duped' father. He can then choose to set this aside for his son.

When the 'official' test confirms the results, is their a possibility that the as-yet-unknown biological father will suddenly get slapped with a huge bill? What happens there?

ie is the mother actually going to get her financial comeuppance? (I'm sure she'll pay the emotional cost in her relationship with her child).

colonelblighty

whitewing wrote: »

This is such a sad situation. I am of the opinion at the moment that all monies should be refunded to the 'duped' father. He can then choose to set this aside for his son.

When the 'official' test confirms the results, is their a possibility that the as-yet-unknown biological father will suddenly get slapped with a huge bill? What happens there?

i.e is the mother actually going to get her financial comeuppance? (I'm sure she'll pay the emotional cost in her relationship with her child).

The mother will then have to tell the CSA who she now believes the father to be and the ball starts rolling again. the biological father will only be liable for maintenance from the date of assessment.

apparently the CSA do have the powers to reclaim the money from the mothers but choose not to in the interests of the children involved. Therefore any refund the CSA makes to the deceived father is from the public purse.

gangaman

colonelblighty wrote: »

when I found out the truth about my son, my ex- decided that contact would stop despite me saying I wanted to carry on seeing and having my boy.

Ganagaman is very lucky to have an ex that does not appear to cause contact problems, for myself my ex even before the revelation of true parentage made things extremely difficult for me to maintain contact and after the truth came out impossible.

I have a contact order that is technically still enforceable but what nobody seems to tell you is that to someone who is unwilling to comply with the details of the order there is very little you can do. Oh you can go to court to have it enforced but the question is how exactly are they enforced. Do you really think a court is going to jail someone for not complying with a contact order. I don't think so.

Colonel.

Far from having no contact problems, maintaining this relationship has been an obstacle course of extreme complexity.I have moved through contact being denied, to access at a contact centre, limited access, back to no access ad nauseum...All of it at the whim of a PWC who felt I was her personal banker. Pay her whatever she asked and I had access, say no and go whistle. My solution was to approach the CSA and ask them to stop the payments directly from my salary and to limit any access with the PWC to collecting and dropping off my son. In addition I never once spoke to him about his mother, asked any questions or put him under any pressure whatsoever. Our time together became something he valued as much as me and as much as his mother is very difficult she would not deny him the contact he so obviously wanted.

Over the years as we have both engaged in new relationships, ours has improved and I do believe we now act only in his best interests. It doesn't change anything in terms of what I have posted previously, but it does mean that a 13 year old has 2 parents that put aside their own differences,,,eventually, to put him first. He has a step mother who understands his place in my life and the cost of that to us, and she has developed her own bond with him.

We cannot change anyone, but to constantly debate with our estranged partners is just to entrench them in often unreachable positions. Far better to influence by trying to do the next best indicated action in any situation. My experience is that this was successful.

It has been far from easy,but then again no-one promised me parenthood would be.

colonelblighty

Gangaman,

It is unfortunate that my ex is adamant that she will not co-operate with the contact order. She will continue to claim legal aid to keep going back to court and is happy for her child to have periods of contact followed by longer periods of no contact. At what point does she consider the best interests of the child? Although I would have been more than happy to maintain the contact order my ex stated that I couldn't. Now i know that despite me not being the childs biological father i could still keep enforcing the order, but what will that do to the childs emotional wellbeing? I know the childs mother will now chase who she believes is his biological father for money, as for her it has always been about money. The child will therefore have her partner, his biological father, his brothers father, his unborn siblings father, as well as myself in his life. Until the courts make contact order enforcement more of a priority, women like my ex will be happy to attend court regularly as they have legal aid to pay their bills and know that at the end of the day they can stop contact again when they choose. I have even considered offering to pay my ex for contact as that seemed to work at first, however she always wanted more and more. If i couldnt afford what she wanted then contact was stopped - i am not talking small amounts either, she has had in excess of £25K off me in the past 12 mths aside from the money via the CSA. My contact order stated pick up and drop off at a cotact centre to avoid direct contact between us, but unless she actually attends then it's not worth the paper it's written on.

I think that unless you have 2 parents who genuinely have their childs best interests at heart then the child will always loose out. It is sad but their are some women who use their children as a cash machine. The ones that have as many children by as many men as possible. These women will never have their childs best interests at heart only their purse.

I have therefore taken the heartbreaking decision not to enforce the contact order. My door is always open to my son - as he will always be my son in my heart. My family discuss my son to his siblings to ensure they dont forget him. I believe that as contact would remain stop and start, it is emotionally upsetting for all involved - my son, myself, my family and his siblings. I cannot put children through that distress time and time again and i cannot afford to pay a fraudster all my life.

monicaj

Hubby has received a text from the mother saying that their swabs were not taken last week as she was not aware she had to pay for them :mad:

I'm just thinking of her dragging that poor little boy to the doctors surgery and then having him having to go through it again ........ beggars belief

Anyone know what happens in this scenario - can she get some financial assistance/benefit - my husband has paid for the test independantly of the CSA and for his own swabs to be taken, just a thought would the CSA be able to help her?

whitewing

The ex needs to start taking responsibility for her own actions.

Could your solicitor write her a letter telling her to get on with it, whilst making it clear that you want to do right by the child you still consider to be his son. You can't keep worrying about what she will tell the child. Keep copies of the paperwork so you can show DS yourself (when he's older)

gangaman

colonelblighty wrote: »

Gangaman,



I have therefore taken the heartbreaking decision not to enforce the contact order. My door is always open to my son - as he will always be my son in my heart. My family discuss my son to his siblings to ensure they dont forget him. I believe that as contact would remain stop and start, it is emotionally upsetting for all involved - my son, myself, my family and his siblings. I cannot put children through that distress time and time again and i cannot afford to pay a fraudster all my life.

Colonel,

I can empathise with you in what must be for both you and your son a desperate situation. I hope that it will in time resolve itself. In my darkest days it was only hope that kept me going.

You have my best wishes for the future.

monicaj

whitewing wrote: »

The ex needs to start taking responsibility for her own actions.

Could your solicitor write her a letter telling her to get on with it, whilst making it clear that you want to do right by the child you still consider to be his son. You can't keep worrying about what she will tell the child. Keep copies of the paperwork so you can show DS yourself (when he's older)

Thanks

I was looking for free advice on here - forwarned etc - cheaper than £300 per hour solicitor fees

I think worrying about what she tells the child and what the child is going through is something that neither my husband nor I can help right now.

whitewing

Well, yes, just remember that we don't know the law or all the circumstances and we all have our own beliefs and personal bias.

I think that you are going to have to work on the assumption that now the child is a living being (rather than a bump) that his mum will ultimately do what is best for him. And he must surely want to know the truth provided he also knows you love him as he is whatever that may be.