Negative Paternity Test

icarus_2

Thank you all for your kind replies and apologies to monicaj, I really don't mean to hijack the thread. It does say in one of her posts that it could help other people who are, or in my case have been in the same position. Incidentally, I would like to hear from monicaj on what prompted the test to be initially taken as I was in exactly the same position as her husband but chose to continue to ignore what I had been told.

To address a few posts if I may. This has been eating away at me for many years. On the one hand I feel my son should know who his real father is (hopefully its me) and that is his right. Open up a whole new experience and family to him. On the other hand I feel what gives me the right to upset him and the rest of my family? Are we living a potential lie? Doesnt everybody deserve to know the truth no matter how painful it may be? Some of you may ask what has changed after all these years. Well, this has obviously been festering in me for years, in the early days I simply chose to ignore it. I wanted to see my son, I had some turmoil with my upbringing and didnt want my son to go through the same thing. So, I simply chose to pay my dues to the CSA and continue playing an active role in his upbringing. I am very proud how he has turned out, hes thoughftul, well mannered and courteous to everyone.

I mean even couples who go through IVF process these days have councilling and are strongly advised to explain to the child at an age they can understand that they are not his/her biological parent(s). All in the best interests of the child as they say.

My dilema is very much a moral one, altough no doubt there would be the financial side of potentially paying the CSA for over 18 years. If the worst came to the worst and I did go down that road. Incidentally the mother has never given me the slightest inclination that I am not the father, but then again why would she?

I really have no idea what to do at the moment. Everyday this just seems to eat away at me more and more.

Blonde_Bint

Sorry Icarus, no one can really tell you what to do. Its got to come from you, you are the only one that can do something about it and no matter what advice you get in the end you are the one who will live with the consequences, not us.

Here goes ... the fact that its eating away at you and this is something that has been on your mind for years I think you possibly want to do a DNA test and actually find out, one way or another, just find out, the only thing really stopping you going ahead is what you find out may be the cause of a 'really bad relationship with your child' or even 'a non relationship with him'. a big risk is whatever the outcome doing this could result in ruining your relationship altogether.

Do it, I think you want to, you are just at present dangling its time to stop dangling and do it one way or the other, if you cant put it out of your mind for good then do it. There is a time for dangling and a time for action right, you've done your dangling now its action time. I wish you good luck whatever you decide btw can I just say, could you let us know how you went on because while we are a caring lot over here we are quite nosey too and we need happy endings loads and loads of long drawn out processes but a bit light in the happy ending department:D

Thank you. BB

mr_skinflint

Icarus.
Why don't you think about who might be hurt if you do go ahead with a paternity test. For a start, you'd have to tell your son and ask him to provide a sample. How's he going to take it? Even if the answer comes back positive (he is your son) then how will it change your relationship with him and the rest of your family? If I were you I'd let it lie and face up to your responsibilities. What's the point in going down a potentially destructive path for little to no gain apart from your peace of mind.
MS

DUTR

mr_skinflint wrote: »

Icarus.
Why don't you think about who might be hurt if you do go ahead with a paternity test. For a start, you'd have to tell your son and ask him to provide a sample. How's he going to take it? Even if the answer comes back positive (he is your son) then how will it change your relationship with him and the rest of your family? If I were you I'd let it lie and face up to your responsibilities. What's the point in going down a potentially destructive path for little to no gain apart from your peace of mind.
MS

Sorry have to disagree, to not go through with the test is just as wrong as a woman not reporting when they are raped, these nasty practices will just continue if people know they can get away with it.

cassandra13

icarus wrote: »

Open up a whole new experience and family to him. On the other hand I feel what gives me the right to upset him and the rest of my family? ....... I wanted to see my son, I had some turmoil with my upbringing and didnt want my son to go through the same thing. So, I simply chose to pay my dues to the CSA and continue playing an active role in his upbringing. I am very proud how he has turned out, hes thoughftul, well mannered and courteous to everyone....... Everyday this just seems to eat away at me more and more.

I truly think the above says it all really - all about what an outstanding father you have been and still are and no amount of Pat testing is going to change the facts that are blatant to us all here from just these few words. If you get a pos. result you get the hassle and doubt for everything to be as it was anyway and if you get a neg. result you could seriously change things between the two of you in subtle ways. Please understand that if or if not you get this test done you are an amazing Dad by my book to think so much of the child / now adult.

My opinion is forget the dna question entirely and remember the reality - you are his Dad :j

cassandra13

monicaj wrote: »

they will be persuing the "mother" (fraudster) for in excess of £20k - very very sad for stepson BUT from reading other posts on this forum, if my husband had been non-compliant we could have potentially lost our home ................................

Wow Monica, I am amazed by this thread and really have been gripped I was all set to go to bed after a really heavy week but man I had to get to the end of this thread first because I have been through this with you in part as I read it. I am so sorry for you oh \ yourself and child/ren it is so devastatingly cruel and heartless to do this to someone else and how this poor man (or indeed yourself) has managed to get by till now is beyond me and I can only presume it is the strength in your relationship that has bolstered you both in your troubles. Thank heavens there appears to be some light at the end of the tunnel for you. Maybe closure will help but it will never detract from her comeuppance. I am stunned at the cruelty and mental trauma you will have endured and honestly had tears in my eyes reading your story. I just wanted you to know that and add my voice to those of others on here in saying that one day this child will be strong enough to ensure he sees you even if it takes till he drives to you himself. I do not imagine that he would ever forget such people as you and this must be hard for him to understand and reason through for himself. A disruption to the child's routine is so not in the 'best interests of the child' and any court shoudl agree in a country where even if a parent commits murder they still have the right to see their child.

I wish him a heartfelt dose of love and hugs from everyone close enough to reach him right now and hope you find the strength to fight this to insist on contact even if only briefly without the @@@@hole around to influence him. Maybe with a mutual person you all trust ?

Btw hope they screw her for all the money she took and put her inside for not declaring the 6K and then give you the SS to look after while she serves her time. Being the only two who actually seem to care about the child himself in all this you deserve this and more. (if wishes came true this would be I am sure most of our best outcome)

jen_br

My .02p I would get your money back and reinvest even half in a college education.

monicaj

icarus wrote: »

Thank you all for your kind replies and apologies to monicaj, I really don't mean to hijack the thread. It does say in one of her posts that it could help other people who are, or in my case have been in the same position. Incidentally, I would like to hear from monicaj on what prompted the test to be initially taken as I was in exactly the same position as her husband but chose to continue to ignore what I had been told.

Hi

I really wish I could advise you but I/we are really sorry that we can't. This is a very big decision emotionally for you and your son and even though we have been through similar, neither of us feel we could advise anyone else if it's the right thing for them. The only advice we do have is to go speak to a counsellor who should help you make that decision for yourself.

There is one major difference in our situation, had our test been positive, no one would have been aware that my husband had any doubt - your son on the other hand is much older.

There were a number of factors which contributed to my husband's decision to get the test taken - ultimately by discussing these with an independant, it became clearer in his mind why he needed to get it done. More importantly, although he has been devasted by the deceit and the outcome of not seeing his "son", he does not regret taking the test and now has some peace of mind and will just bide his time for a reunion.

Incidentally, SS's photo was in the local paper last week with his new surname - his stepdad's ........................

blue_monkey_2

Bloody hell, how confusing for this poor little boy, Monica? Do you know what he has been told? I cannot beleive she has changed his name so easily. Is your husband on the birth certificate? Have you spoken to a solicitor to see if you can get some contact regardless? Peter Andre reckoned he wanted custody of Harvey and he is not his dad or blood relation so there must be a way, surely?? Especially if your SS has known for this long that his dad is your husband. Does your husband still have Parental Responsibility? This can only be taken away by a court I believe so I would look into this. Parental Responsibility can be given to anyone, not just a blood relations and it gives the same rights. Please do look into this.

Have you looked to see if he is on Facebook or MSN (maybe too young??) and send him a message to say you are always thinking about him and are there if he needs you.

(((((hugs to you all)))))

blue_monkey_2

Monicaj - please do read this as it kind of is the same. Your husband CAN apply for a contact order and he should do this right away.

http://www.dadtalk.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=319&sid=0cc5dfb3559758c0f315768877549ed5

Also:

http://www.ukdp.co.uk/parental-responsibility-england-and-wales/

He is named on the certificate so he has Parental Rights, this can only be changed through applying for the BC to be changed. The mother has to gain permission to change son's name through the courts. Please encourage him to do something about this now and see a solicitor. The longer you leave it the worse it will get. and he can rebuild the relationship with this young lad. Good luck.