The Thrifty Gifty Girls 2009 (Organised & Money Neutral for All Occasions) #3

scattymam1

Right don't want to depress anyone - but I thought you would all give me an honest opinion. I wrote this poem - does it sound right, is there any part you think sounds odd or doesn't rhyme.
It's for an assignment...

Mam, I miss you,
and as it's mothers day,
I wish that I could buy you gifts,
and be with you some way.

It doesn't seem quite right or fair,
not to celebrate,
just because you passed away,
why must my love so wait.

So I choose to honour you,
in every way I know how,
on this special mothers day,
made all the more poignant now.

So flowers I'll still buy,
I'll remember you the whole day through,
I'll shower MY child with love this day,
and hope this pays homage to you.

?????

RustyFlange

Wow Rainmac the cards are lovely! Well done they look beautiful

scattymam1

eeh jammy what are you doing lass?

RustyFlange

scattymam1 wrote: »

Right don't want to depress anyone - but I thought you would all give me an honest opinion. I wrote this poem - does it sound right, is there any part you think sounds odd or doesn't rhyme.
It's for an assignment...

Mam, I miss you,
and as it's mothers day,
I wish that I could buy you gifts,
and be with you some way.

I doesn't seem quite right or fair,
not to celebrate,
just because you passed away,
why must my love so wait.

So I choose to honour you,
in every way I know how,
on this special mothers day,
made all the more poignant now.

So flowers I'll still buy,
I'll remember you the whole day through,
I'll shower MY child with love this day,
and hope this pays homage to you.

?????

Wow I love it! It is so beautiful and brought a tear to my eyes! ... the only thing I would change is to remove the word so (highlighted in red) but that is just me, personally I would remove it but others might prefer it in.

Very beautiful though well done you *hugs*

scattymam1

lovely cards, rainmac - love the torn one especially.

I completed my challenges yesterday - 3 things on ebay - 3 cards made/finished off ones

and restarted my writers course - did 500 words, but need 1500...

might do this every other day, do 3 ebays and 3 cards!!

scattymam1

Thanks rusty - that's the sort of thing I need - not sure about the so either do you think it still flows without it?

First poem I've wrote since school probably!!!

rainmac

scattymam1 wrote: »

Thanks rusty - that's the sort of thing I need - not sure about the so either do you think it still flows without it?

First poem I've wrote since school probably!!!

I love your poem, had tear in my eyes too, it's beautiful

jamtart6

thats lovely scatty, I agree with Rusty about removing 'so', that is the only line that doesn't flow. it is really ncie and from the heart xxx

jamtart6

scattymam1 wrote: »

eeh jammy what are you doing lass?

apparently making the most dangerous mother's day present of 2009 :eek::rotfl:

scattymam1

you are both right - the more I read it I like it without.