Retraining my hubby

Lois_and_CK

When I find myself getting irritated with CK and nagging him, I remind myself of the following 3 things:

1. Get some perspective.
In the big scheme of things, does his clothes dumped on the floor really matter? He's healthy, I'm healthy, we have good times together. God forbid, but if he died tomorrow, would I regret wasting our precious time together by nagging him over some household chores? Would I wish that I'd instead savoured the person I loved enough to marry?

2. Is this the person I want to be?
I never wanted to turn into a nagging wife; someone who's tedious to be with. I tell myself to chill out, refuse to let whatever he's (not) done annoy me and remind myself I want to live in a home, not a showhouse. I either just leave it until he finally deals with it himself if I think he's really taking the pi*s, or I deal with it and get it out of the way.

3. Compare his day-to-day life with mine.
Maybe I end up doing more in the house than he does; and we both work full time, so sometimes I get annoyed that it's not fair. The thing is though, I like my job - it's stress-free, I get satisfaction from it, and best of all, it's local, so I have no commute. CK's job is busy and pressured. He has a commute where he is frequently frustrated by being stuck in traffic. He has to get up an hour before I do, and bless him, he sneaks around in the dark so as not to wake me up. So when I find myself getting annoyed with him, I remind myself that although we both work full-time, my working life is easier than his, and to give the poor sod a break.

skintchick

Reggie_Rebel wrote: »

You want it done a certain way and by a certain time. Do it yourself.

Ask us to do it and we will do it, but in our own way and in our own time.

Really? I've been waiting for my Oh to mend the handle of my slow cooker so long now I can;t even remeber how long! I think about five months!!! I don;t think that's acceptable as he said he'd do it when I was going to do it myself.

brownbabygirl wrote: »

i am yet to be married. Wives, can you give some advice as to how to avoid this for when I am married (engaged and not living together)

Despite the above, I have got this fairly sorted. Unfortunately we are both messy people, although OH didn;t used to be - he just seems to think that now we're married it is my job. Ha ha.

He lived alone for years so I know he can do everything. Before we married and moved in we sat down and talked about sharing housework, so we knew we agreed that while both working it is 50/50 and when I am not working (cos of babies) it will be mostly my job but he has to do some still.

We agreed it so we each have set jobs all teh time. I cook, he washes up (although it may take him a few days to get round to it!), he does the bathroom and hoovering, I do the clothes washing, dusting, clean the kitchen floor, some jobs we both do like hanging out washing, and some jobs I do cos he doesn;t realise they ARE jobs, like cleaning skirting boards or mirrors :rolleyes:

Generally, he drives me mad cos he takes weeks to do anything BUT I do not budge. If he moans we aren;t eating till 9.30pm, I point out I can;t cook till he washes last nights pots so that I CAN cook. Always with a smile.

Unfortunately, his mum does everything and he has in his head that that is how it is - I tell him it isn;t and we go from there. But having a list and allocating jobs really worked - I let him choose some of his jobs (not all - I didn;t want to get stuck with all the bad ones!) and allocated the rest, checked he was happy, then emailed it to him colour-coded (yes, really!). It mostly works.

I say talk, communicate and agree it all BEFORE you move in together. A marriage course is a great idea if you haven;t already been offered one. We found it prompted us to talk about stuff like this, and we had to cos it was 'homework'.

brownbabygirl

Thanks, skintchick. Yes, we are undergoing premarital counselling with our pastor! e touched on the housework issue too

Kylie

Women who say they can't change a man just are not trying hard enough.

The key is to give them "options" slanted to your desired outcome.

Trade-offs are invaluable.

Keep positive. There is some great advice on this thread!

(p.s. my OH grew up with a maid - I had to point out VERY early on that he no longer had one.)

julliff

I think there are some really good pointer on this thread, although I'm not sure that they would work for me, as OH has ME, and can always say he is too tired!

At the weekend he mentioned that he needed something at a particular shop, and I offered to get it on my way somewher else. Unfortunately, I forgot. So I gave up part of my lunchtime to get it for him on Monday.

When I asked him to do a tiny little favour for me as I had dome this kindmess for him, his reply was - "No, that wasn't you being kind, that was a chore you neglected to do at the weeked!"

I think he just doesn't get it.

jackomdj

I am so lucky as OH does his share without nagging from me. We have however fallen into doing certain things....I tend to wash up, dust upstairs, clean the toilet, do the washing & hang it up & put away mine & the childrens things....OH will put the rubbish out, do the cooking, clean the car, iron. Many other things just get done by whoever is around or we sometimes draw up a chore list & allocate it out to do over a few weeks (the silly things like behind cupboards, under the sofa, skirtings etc)

I did laugh at the OP saying MIL never taught him anything - my Mum never got us to do anything & I was the messiest child ever, but our house is cleaner & tidier than both sets of parents houses!!!

Nicky

lynzpower

When I asked him to do a tiny little favour for me as I had dome this kindmess for him, his reply was - "No, that wasn't you being kind, that was a chore you neglected to do at the weeked!"

this has made me feel really sad, ((hugs to you))

blackpool_mummy

i had the same with my now ex husband in the end i left them until 1 day he asked where his clothes was said they was where he left them on the floor and thats where they was staying until he moved them to the washing machine . He never did it again , i have say i am lucky now new hubby does wash does clean will do just about anything so dont have that problem anymore . hope you get this problem sorted as it isnt fair jobs in the house should be shared you both make the mess you should both clean it regards ang xx

Lilith1980

At this very moment there is a nasty pile of sweaty clothes and underpants down by my DH's side of the bed - the washing basket has a pile of his dirty clothes in it too.

I have better things to do than to keep washing his clothes and hanging them out to dry - especially as he wears things once and then considers them too dirty to wear again!

I am at uni tonight and he will be at home so I'm going to see if he can muster up any initiative and put a load of washing on. I know I should probably just ask him to put a load on but I'm sure somewhere in there, there's some common sense dying to break out?!

ema_o

I feel really lucky as well, OH and I share the housework. We usually do things together, so if he cooks I might hang out a load of washing or clean the bathroom. I usually say 'do this while I do that'.
My friend and her OH have a good arrangement with the washing and ironing. She is hopeless at ironing shirts, she once put a hole through one (of his) with the iron, so he irons the shirts and she does everything else - they both wear shirts every day so they think its about even.
Plus she was banned from using the washing machine after leaving a red sock in with the whites.
I am sure on her part these were accidental, but I have thought a few times that it would be a good way to get out of something you didn't want to do.
Hugs to everyone who has to do more than their fair share. I had a relationship like this in the past, it used to be more effort to get him to do anything than to simply do it myself!! I hope some of you could use some of whats written here to change things.

Juliff, what yo wrote made me feel really sad too, hugs. If your OH says he is too tired perhaps come up with some things he can do that are not tiring. If it were me it would be very hard if my OH was too tired to do what I wanted / needed but not too tired to do what he wants. I am not judging, it is a horrible situation for you and OH, but it is unfair that favours to him are just looked at as your chores in his mind. xx