Retraining my hubby

Magpye

Thanks all for the advice and support - at least now I know I'm not alone (my sister's fiance was a navy man and does all the washing, ironing and vacuuming as well as DIY - grr!)

I'm more into DIY and home improvement than DH is and I generally do more in the garden. I don't want him to take on all the chores - just to do his fair share! TBH I have it better than a lot of you who have replied, he can and will cook (just can't seem to clean up afterwards :rolleyes: ) I'm going to try the rota system with him. He used to be really good in our old house - cleaning the toilet, washing up etc which he has stopped doing now, because we never really set a rota or ground rules for the house - that was probably a big mistake on my part.

Why oh why does a large part of my self worth revolve around having a clean and tidy house? It would be so much easier if it didn't! :rotfl:

frivolous_fay

Girlzmum wrote: »

Only problem is that he seems totally incapable of doing all the dishes and he constantly misses stuff/leaves it to soak

He sounds like me! I don't believe in drying up (nasty teatowels spreading bacteria) so when I run out of room, I stop. And there's no point scrubbing for 10 minutes when you can soak it and spend 2 minutes cleaning it afterwards

IMO!

LouBlue

My OH's mum did everything for her three kids, which is why 2 of them still live at home......26 and 28..........and don't pay her anything....:rolleyes:

When OH was moving in with me, she looked quite happy about the fact that she said he was really messy and just left things lying around for her to pick up. I said he wouldn't be doing that with me, otherwise he would be moving straight back out.

We have been together 5 years and he is more than capable. Sure, there are some things I am better at but we all have to learn at some point and he has got better over time because he knows I won't put up with it, he does his fair share. You have to set your stall out, the more you do, the more he will let you do.

anguk

Spicey wrote: »

He wont change overnight. I been married to my DH for over 25years. At first he did nothing but now if I cook he washes up. He can load the washing machine and use the vaccum. He doesnt know about polish or ironing or cleaning bathrooms. He learnt to cook when I was in hospital, so its def a case of if needs be he can do. Trying to change them just is not worth the agro.

Same here, been with my OH for almost 25 years and I still do the bulk of household chores. He last put the washer on 22 years ago when I was in hospital having my eldest and I can't remember when he last dusted or swept the floors.

He has however been great with both our kids, when they were babies he would quite happily feed them, change their bums, get up during the night etc. He does occassionally tidy round when he's bored but he just puts things in any cupbord or drawer so you can't find anything, as long as it looks tidy he thinks it doesn't matter where the stuff is, yet of course when he can't find something I'm the one who has to look for it! He does the dishes each morning but unfortunately he thinks that if you put half a bottle of washing up liquid in some tepid water then just dunk the dishes in they get clean! I've learned to say nothing and just rewash the dishes when he's not there, if I do say something he doesn't bother doing them at all! And the kids have both learned to check the dishes & cutlery before they use them!

He does also do some cooking but that's because he enjoys it and it's always something very highly spiced or wierd that no-one else likes so I end up cooking for the rest of us. At this very moment he's got some chicken breasts marinating in some concoction for his dinner!

I came to the conclusion long ago that most men will only do something if they enjoy doing it or if they absolutely have to and it's a waste of time, effort and sanity trying to change them.

If the OP does happen to find a way to retrain her OH she should write a book or run courses, she'd make a fortune!

leiela

Ok firstly breath .... been there done that somehow landed myself with a husband who couldn't for the life of him work out why i was always ranting at him.

However good new's ... i am now the proud barer of a fully housetrained husband.

Who ever it was who said that husbands are like dogs got it SPOT ON!!!

You can rant and rant and rant eventually they switch off and start resenting you for being a nag. However like dogs husbands respond well to praise and rewards. i know it sounds dumb but give him a reward when he does well, he'll soon learn that "wife rewards" are better than having a narky cow ranting at them.

Ok firstly, anything thats supposed to be HIS job leave for HIM!!! seriously they do eventually get the hint, if he leaves his clothes crumpled up at the bottom of the wardrobe, let him go to work dirty and crumpled.

Seriously... in my house if it's not in the wash basket i DON'T and WON'T wash it, secondly i don't do his ironing, i wash his cloths and leave them in a pile for him, if he wants it ironing he knows where the iron is, if he doens't know how you better belive he'll learn fast.

Cooking was the same way he got lazy .... if it was his turn we'd end up eating takeway .. ugh... it was soooo predicatable it was unreal ... his turn to cook, chippy it was.

I never really managed to switch him on that one, but what i did was sat down with him and talked about it, i told him chippy every other night was doing our finanaces and our waistline no good, eventually we came to a comprimise i cook he does the dish's which suits me fine.

sometimes i still get home and the dish's arn't done, at which point i make a snack and sit in the living room, you better belive soon enough he gets hungry and wants to know when dinners ready, at which point i gently remind him that last nights dishs are in the sink and im not cooking in a dirty kitchen.

He's kinda got the hint, 99.9% of evenings dishs are done when i get home so i have start tea asap.

I Work weekdays so i do most of my housework on a saturday, i used to do it on sunday when he wasn't home but i found i was doing an unreal share as other than "his" dish's he did very little else.

So now i do the housework on a saturday while he's there, if i get up and start he'll pretty much carry on with whatever he's doing which is kinda frustrating.

We only get saturdays together so what i do is remind him that if he helps it will be done faster and we can go and do something nice together for the rest of the day.

It's irritating that after 10 years he still can't manage housework without bieng TOLD to do it, but i've got used it it, he's lazy and if he can get out of it he will, but if i tell him to go and clean the bathroom, or go and hoover he'll grumble but comply.

Tbh i can live with the fact that he "neglects" housework, and i've accepted that if it needed doing i NEED to TELL HIM to do it. So i pick my times carefully, guilt him into it i find he has less excuses when he can see me running around and he's watching the tv.

GFN123

Don't forget the power of positive reinforcement! I think women who get 'used' to doing everything around the home are used to a high standard, so when an OH does it, perhaps more slapdash, we don't praise the effort but criticise the result - no wonder they quickly give up! The nagging thing kicks in "why can't you...." or "you never..." rather than "it would be great if you.." with lots of thank yous afterwards

I know this sounds simplistic, but it really makes a huge difference. Sit down, discuss how you feel & divide up the chores, then heap on the praise for everything he does. It's hard not to sometimes feel a bit miffed that he is not thanking YOU for everything you do, but if you are patient & persevere he will feel valued & more like helping = result for you

It's not about changing him, but the situation. By doing everything you have made it easy for him to do nothing, so now you need to make it easy for him to help.

My friends joke I am the queen of 'man-training' & should write a book! I don't know about that, but I do know you need to set & stick to clear boundaries & be positive rather than critical

lynzpower

I really do feel sorry for so many of you that do everything

i too, do half, or sometimes less than half.

When Im working late, dinner will be on the table waiting
If one of us is home first we start dinner/ unload washing into dryer/ put pots away from dishwasher.

Its my belief that these tasks need to be done at some point, whoever does them means the other doesnt.

I get up early on weekends, he always enjoys a lie in ( i dont) I work a harder week than him, so sat mornings are an opp for me to crack on with the housework so he can see what Ive done after he surfaces like to get his brekkie ready, bring him brek in bed etc. ( i agree about multi-tasking though, I am much quicker, so gives me more net time :dance:

I deal with all the finances, and purchases. I do most of the laundry. I do all the food shopping and plan Xmas presents etc. We both deal with the dishwasher. If you have space DO get one. We bought ours off ebay for 40 quid and we have never seen so much VFM. He always does the hoovering ( I hate that job , he doesnt mind it) and changes the sheets. We take turns in cooking.We both menu plan.

I do have to pick up socks and he too stashes clothes in the bottom of his wardrobe. It does annoy me but I have learned to pick my battles. I like these threads as it reminds me how lucky I am to have someone who does what is needed without having to be asked.

Whats the secret?

Part of it I think is that neither of us particualry love these tasks, so if one of ius does it the other doesnt have to - which is nice.
part of it is picking battles, sometimes it really is easier to do some jobs yourself ( he would say this about my lame DIY efforts)
some of it is smiling thorugh , knowing that above is true. Neither of us enjoy hoovering but someone has to do it and its the person who doesnt like it the least ( ie him)
Some of it is playing to strengths. OH reckons the shopping is an easy task, yet when hes tasked with it why is it more expensive? which gives us both less fun money.

I do think allowing one member of the household to do it all is disrespectful. You marry ( or live with) someone because they love you and want the best for you-and vice versa. I would be really questioning my relationship if I felt that i was being treated like some sort of slave.

pboae

First I'll confess, I am spoilt, my OH does more than his fair share of housework, but he is self taught, because he wasn't expected to do anything at all at home, so he didn't know how to use the washing machine (for example).

One thing that helped, is that we got a washing basket divided into 3, to pre sort washing. So whites go in one, regular colours go in one, and anything else goes in the 3rd one. So that's anything which might need hand washing, dry cleaning, might run, etc. So OH knows that everything in the white or colours baskets can go in a 40 wash (same setting every time) and anything he's not sure of goes in the other basket for me to sort out. Before he'd be fretting over what could go in and what couldn't, and what setting to use on the machine. And by the time I'd been in to discuss every item with him, it would've been quicker to do it myself, and then it would go wrong anyway and we'd end up arguing over it, when he'd been trying to help. The new basket was such a trivial thing, but it made it really easy for him to do the laundry, so now he just does it.

yoni_one

Magpye wrote: »

He's absolutely useless at housework (doesn't even try half the time.) My MIL :mad: didn't teach him to do a thing in the house and consequently he can't even iron his own shirt.

The most annoying thing is that I've slipped unthinking into a stereotypical gender role which is the absolute antithesis of my natural inclinations, and it doesn't suit me at all!

You really have slipped unthinking into a stereotypical gender role haven't you? Even moreso when you fall in to the old trap of blaming his mum for his lazyiness, inabilities etc, come on now, he's a grown up. Just because your MIL didn't teach him how to iron his own shirt it's not the sole reason why he cannot iron a shirt! It doesn't help wimmin to point the finger at other wimmin for a blokes failings does it?

I say this because your squeeze sounds exactly like my lazy 18 yo son and woe betide anyone in his future who even remotely attempts to place the blame of his lack of domestic abilities at my door. I've had more stresses over trying to get him to lift a finger as an adult than I ever had with him as a nipper.

With my son I can ban him from his console or the pooter, no idea how I would tackle it with my partner ...........

I would suggest just leaving and leaving it til it becomes too much of a mess for even him to stand but I tried that with my lad and it would seem there is no such thing as too much of a mess for him.

Good luck!

bookduck

If your are unhappy, rather than argue, employ a cleaner!

suki1964 wrote: »

... You cannot change another person - only yourself. ...

You might not be able to change, but you are able to exchange! Get someone new!!!

Don't windge/argue. If it is more trouble then it is worth - leave, or get him to leave!