Retraining my hubby

Magpye

Hello all,

I love my hubby dearly and although we have our ups and downs and arguments about money, the one consistent thing in our relationship is that we absolutely adore each other.

HOWEVER! He's absolutely useless at housework (doesn't even try half the time.) My MIL :mad: didn't teach him to do a thing in the house and consequently he can't even iron his own shirt. When we first got together, the chores were meant to be equally shared, but as time went on his side of things started slipping and I (being impatient) picked up the slack, even when I ranted and raved about it. His most irritating habit is to pile up worn clothes on the bottom of his wardrobe - how he thinks I won't notice is beyond me. When I bring it up, he assures me that he'll sort it out - and never does.

The most annoying thing is that I've slipped unthinking into a stereotypical gender role which is the absolute antithesis of my natural inclinations, and it doesn't suit me at all!

I need to retrain him but don't have a clue how (my methods include mostly direct confrontation, and he doesn't respond well to it.) Can anyone give me some pointers?

Savvy_Sue

Magpye wrote: »

HOWEVER! He's absolutely useless at housework (doesn't even try half the time.) My MIL :mad: didn't teach him to do a thing in the house and consequently he can't even iron his own shirt. When we first got together, the chores were meant to be equally shared, but as time went on his side of things started slipping and I (being impatient) picked up the slack, even when I ranted and raved about it. His most irritating habit is to pile up worn clothes on the bottom of his wardrobe - how he thinks I won't notice is beyond me. When I bring it up, he assures me that he'll sort it out - and never does.

There's some folk wisdom along the lines of "Women get married thinking they can change their husbands, men get married thinking their wives won't change, both are disappointed."

So, for starters, just leave the clothes at the bottom of his wardrobe. Only wash what's left in the 'right' place for washing. When he runs out of clean pants / socks / shirts, smile and show him the washing machine.

Although I might start by talking to him. Not when you're mad about this, but either casually at some other time, or at a planned time. Tell him how you feel about adopting this role, ask if he wants you to be trapped in a stereotypical 'little woman at home' mould that you're not happy with, and listen to what he says.

Maybe he feels incompetent and inadequate, because even what he does isn't done to your standards so you do it again, or he held off doing things because he wasn't quite sure how to do it and then you stepped in anyway. Maybe he is a traditional mcp who thinks all this is your job anyway, and he went along with doing some stuff to keep you sweet in the first place. Only when you know can you decide what to do.

spirit

Retrain him? You make him sound like a dog instead of a human being!

there's nothing on the instructions of an iron, washing machine, hoover etc to say that men cannot use these appliances. Just show him how to iron, how to load the washing machine, dishwasher etc.

You might want to have a rota of who does what each week but it should be easily sorted if handled correctly.

Claire3121

I can totally empathise.
I have arthritis so most days im unable to do chores and cooking. In 15 yrs of marriage,my hubby has only managed the odd bit of washing up and thats it,and thats only if im in tears at how little he does to help me:mad:
Most of the time im so fed up and wonder if i'd be better off without him. I have a wonderful 14 y old son who helps me out,but I would rather he spent time with his mates and be a nornal teen,so I try not to ask too much of him. I dont want him to be the same as his father,and I think his future partner will appreciate that my son can use an iron,tidy and take the rubbish out.
I dont know what else to do,hubby spends way too much time on the computer and when I mention this,he really flies off the handle. Its like he realises and feels guilty about it. I dont know what to do as we're financially dependant on him and I cant work.

Zazen999

When we got together we decided to share ours

Unless I am away at late meetings - I cook and he washes up. If he cooks, I wash up unless I'm really late and he will do it.

I get the washing done and dried, and he irons.

The rest gets shared, so if we need a tidy up [usually the night before the cleaner comes] we do it together or the one of us who is in will do it.

Split the chores into halves and ask which he would prefer...and teach him how to do it. But, what does he do around the house that you don't...DIY? Washing the car, taking the bins out etc. It's give and take and if he does do alot of these, perhaps it's a little unfair unless you both muck in with these tasks. If you do these as well, then unless he works ridiculously long hours then you both need to agree on what is expected.

Direct confrontation never works.

My old trick with staff [it works with partners and step children as well]:

Give them 3 options of what they want to do. Make 2 options things they REALLY would not want to do and the other option the thing YOU WANT them to do. Then leave it with them to decide for 5-10 minutes. They will think they have got one over on you by choosing the easiest option, and you will get the task done with no hassle.

Just don't make the other 2 tasks the same things time after time, they will suss it after a while.

Lilith1980

Magpye wrote: »

Hello all,

I love my hubby dearly and although we have our ups and downs and arguments about money, the one consistent thing in our relationship is that we absolutely adore each other.

HOWEVER! He's absolutely useless at housework (doesn't even try half the time.) My MIL :mad: didn't teach him to do a thing in the house and consequently he can't even iron his own shirt. When we first got together, the chores were meant to be equally shared, but as time went on his side of things started slipping and I (being impatient) picked up the slack, even when I ranted and raved about it. His most irritating habit is to pile up worn clothes on the bottom of his wardrobe - how he thinks I won't notice is beyond me. When I bring it up, he assures me that he'll sort it out - and never does.

The most annoying thing is that I've slipped unthinking into a stereotypical gender role which is the absolute antithesis of my natural inclinations, and it doesn't suit me at all!

I need to retrain him but don't have a clue how (my methods include mostly direct confrontation, and he doesn't respond well to it.) Can anyone give me some pointers?

This could have been me writing this. I too am getting fed up with my hubby's lack of help around the house lol :rolleyes:

He leaves his dirty clothes piling up on his side of the bed and up until a few months ago I used to pick them up for him. Now I leave them there and wait until he can be bothered to put them in the washing basket. He has actually had the audacity to ask me why he has no clean jeans/shirts so I pointed out that his clothes won't walk to the washing machine, he has to pick them up! God I sound like a Mother :eek:

My hubby's Mum stayed at home and did everything in the home while his Dad went out to work, which is fair enough, that was their way of doing things but maybe my hubby thinks that I am there to do everything around the home too. I have pointed out that I work full-time and do a part-time uni course and that I am not his Mother, which seemed to take him aback.

Like you, I hate to think I am now in the typical "housewife" role where the man goes out to work and the woman puts dinner on the table and makes him cups of tea. That is so not me - I want my independence and a career thank you very much! :eek:

I spoke to my Mum about it all a couple of days ago and she said it took her about 2 years to get my Dad to get his act together. She suggested that I sit down and talk to hubby and "assign" him with which rooms in our flat he has to keep tidy so we both have our own rooms to look after, which is a great idea cos he moans about the state of the flat but doesn't actually do much to clean it up!

I also brought up cooking because I cook all the meals. Hubby doesn't know how to, so my Mum suggest that one evening (probably best on a weekend) I show him how to cook a dish and build up his repertoire.

I know in some ways I have made a rod for my own back with all this. I think men sometimes just don't realise how much work it takes to keep a house. If I asked hubby to put a load of washing in, he would do it with no questions asked, but he just doesn't think to do it off his own back

suki1964

Retrain? I think you are on a hiding to nowhere.

You cannot change another person - only yourself.

So perhaps its you that needs not to get stressed at his pile of clothes and ignore it the same as he does. Sure hes bound to wake up to the fact that what he wants to wear isnt clean and ironed and hung up eventualy and wise up to the idea that clothes need to hit the laundry bin before you touch them.

At the end of the day hes doing what you allow him - because of your own high standards. Either chill out and let the place become a mess till he sees that things need to be done and starts doing them, or carry on doing what you are doing - getting stressed, ratty and feeling put upon.

Only you can change you - you cant change him

belfastgirl23

Zazen999 wrote: »

Direct confrontation never works.

This is so true, you will hate yourself for sounding like a stereotype in a seventies sitcom, he will hate you for nagging. I agree also with suki (alas I don't know how to quote two people ) that the only thing you can change is how you react. So there are dirty clothes on the wardrobe floor, so what? (BTW would it help you feel better if there was a washbasket there for him to drop them into?) But I also agree with the others, you need to stand firm on not washing until they are in the right place. In the early days of our relationship I had a disagreement with DH about this. He laughed at me and said it was no bother to wash clothes. Three weeks later when he was taking his stinking clothes out of the machine (he'd washed them and left them there for a week ) he wasn't laughing so much. In the meantime I'd removed them to wash my own stuff and put them back in again, even though it nearly killed me to do it. Stubbornness sometimes wins out. I still do the washing but at least he's grateful for it!

Finally I find instruction works well. Could you just empty the dishwasher while I sort the recycling? Brush the floor while I wipe down the tabletops? Sort out the car while I get the shopping bags? It works best when I'm already doing something. It doesn't work at all when I'm sitting reading the paper alas

You will get there in the end - or some of the way there. But you need to be persistent and not get too bogged down in why he is the way he is, you just need to learn to manage how he is...

princess_loki

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Finally I find instruction works well. Could you just empty the dishwasher while I sort the recycling? Brush the floor while I wipe down the tabletops? Sort out the car while I get the shopping bags? It works best when I'm already doing something. It doesn't work at all when I'm sitting reading the paper alas

magpye - i have to agree with you that the same thing happens in our house! think is oh doesn't complain if it is a mess and if i don't cook he buys a takeaway!!! this frustrates me even more because it is a waste of money!!

we had a little chat the other week about the cooking and he says he doesn't want to do it because i am far better than him - a compliment i suppose but it doesnt help!! i then suggested to him that maybe one night he could be in charge and do us egg beans and chips - nothing technical and no chopping! this was accepted reluctantly but i hope it works!

i also agree with belfastgirl - if i want him to do something then i use the same approach. i make sure that he gets the 'manly' task! for example i sort the kitchen and he does the bins etc - the problem is i have to remember to ask because he will not offer!

i am having to re-train myself to ask him to help instead of just getting on with it

IsoChick

We've been through this!

OH thought I ought to know that he dumped all his dirty clothes by the side of the bed and that they needed washing. I left them there (and the other piles of clothes scattered around) for about 2 weeks. Suddenly, he has no socks, underwear, t-shirts, trousers.... where are they? Oh yes, in a huge sweaty pile by his side of the bed.

They are now chucked in the laundry basket....

I've adopted the stance of sharing out 2 jobs, as someone said above - "Can you empty the dishwasher whilst I hang the washing out/chop potatoes/hoover the living room etc etc"

It works quite well, and I've started to say "right, I've got 3 jobs that need doing, which will you do?" and he picks one (or two sometimes :eek: ) and does them....

brownbabygirl

men can be soooooo irritating!