young teenage son to become a dad - advice pls

KarrieBee

I think it is quite sad reading people's negative reactions and I'm afraid I amgoing to stick my neck out and say congratulations to the OP. I would never suggest that being 19, having known each other for a few weeks and unmarried is ideal but if that is the situation I think the support of extended family could have a big impact.
I feel that perhaps "the slippery slope" that ONW refers to is not the reason for teenage pregnancies, I'm even from posts on here it happened just as frequently in the past, I just imagine that in the past the couple would have got married and made the best of it with support from parents and other relatives, rather than a judgemental response which seems to be championed here.
I do reinterate that I would certainly not have wanted to be in that situation - even now I am 30 and married I feel that children are a lifechanging responsiblity but I do also think that I could have relied on my parents love and support if I had got into that situation. I think the OP is being very big hearted - I hope you son realises how lucky he is to have a mum like you!

Marcheline

Good on you KarrieBee. OP, I hope that the negative posts on here don't start doing your head in and making you wonder whether you're feeling the right way about your son's situation. So the set-up might not be ideal, but if you've raised your son well, I doubt he'll be doing a runner any time soon and your support will be invaluable for the pair of them. You're going to be a grandparent and that's a good thing, even if circumstances aren't ideal. I had only known my boyfriend for 5 months when I got pregnant in my final year at Uni and we're still going strong: young parents aren't all a scourge on society people!! What's wrong with some of you?! This is a human life we're talking about, the holier than thou 'taxpayer' shouldn't even come into it.

Oldernotwiser

KarrieBee wrote: »

I feel that perhaps "the slippery slope" that ONW refers to is not the reason for teenage pregnancies, I'm even from posts on here it happened just as frequently in the past, I just imagine that in the past the couple would have got married and made the best of it with support from parents and other relatives, rather than a judgemental response which seems to be championed here.

If you think the responses on here are judgemental you have no idea what the responses would have been like 30 years ago. There would certainly not have been many congratulations being bandied around then!

KarrieBee

ONW I'm not suggesting that it wpould necessarily have been a reason to celebrate but rather that familes supported their own and made the best of it. I just find the Daily Mail reading slippery slope attitude rather sad. 30 years ago my godmother was at University and got pregnant, she then married and brought up 2 wonderful sons - with the help and support of both families. I do feel that familial support could make all the difference in this situation.

hm71_2

have to say about this slippery slope thing- yes it is not an ideal situation, but it has happened & as a parent I would congratulate my own son if it was to happen, despite my best efforts to educate him- of course I would be apprehensive that a relationship had not had time to blossom before the pregnancy but this can happen despite contaception- something I have warned my 3 children about as I have 3 children & miscarried another I was on a different form of contraception for each one, my sister also became pregnant for 3 of her children whilst taking precautions so it can happen.
My son is 18 & does take precautions but I also know that he has attended the sexual health clinic as he puts it (things break) slightly embarrassing for his old mum to know but he feels he can talk about it to me. i was married at 18 & my son was born within my first year of marriage- not ideal timing but I was blessed & would not be without him now.
I do feel congratulations is the right thing to say as a child is a blessing.

tamlem

I was 20 and at University when i discovered I was pregnant with my 1st child. My then boyfriend (now husband) had just graduated and started his first job in London. We had been together for a couple of years but the pregnancy was by no means planned. My parents were ok with it (his less so) but we have always lived away from my family so have never had any help or support.

To cut a long story short, my eldest daughter is nearly 13 now and she has 2 younger sisters and a brother. My husband and I are very happily married and our children are very bright, talented, well-mannered, kind and considerate (its the last bit that makes me most proud).

Sometime and somehow in the 13 years since our eldest was born my husband managed to complete his doctoral training in clinical psychology and is now a consultant and I went back to university to finish my degree when our youngest was 1, then completed my masters and am now doing my Phd.

I am not gloating, I just wanted to share a story of an unplanned pregnancy with a very happy ending. The obsession with age and parenthood drives me mad. We have had some incredibly hard times financially when the children were younger and bringing up 4 ourselves with no help from family (because they are not physically near enough) has been hard at times, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Money and age are not the most critical factors in bringing up children successfully. Love and dedication are.

nadnad

tamlem wrote: »

I was 20 and at University when i discovered I was pregnant with my 1st child. My then boyfriend (now husband) had just graduated and started his first job in London. We had been together for a couple of years but the pregnancy was by no means planned. My parents were ok with it (his less so) but we have always lived away from my family so have never had any help or support.

To cut a long story short, my eldest daughter is nearly 13 now and she has 2 younger sisters and a brother. My husband and I are very happily married and our children are very bright, talented, well-mannered, kind and considerate (its the last bit that makes me most proud).

Sometime and somehow in the 13 years since our eldest was born my husband managed to complete his doctoral training in clinical psychology and is now a consultant and I went back to university to finish my degree when our youngest was 1, then completed my masters and am now doing my Phd.

I am not gloating, I just wanted to share a story of an unplanned pregnancy with a very happy ending. The obsession with age and parenthood drives me mad. We have had some incredibly hard times financially when the children were younger and bringing up 4 ourselves with no help from family (because they are not physically near enough) has been hard at times, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Money and age are not the most critical factors in bringing up children successfully. Love and dedication are.

i think being together a couple of years is hugely different to having basically got pregnant as soon as you meet - which is what appears to have happened here.

Oldernotwiser

KarrieBee wrote: »

ONW I'm not suggesting that it wpould necessarily have been a reason to celebrate but rather that familes supported their own and made the best of it. I just find the Daily Mail reading slippery slope attitude rather sad. 30 years ago my godmother was at University and got pregnant, she then married and brought up 2 wonderful sons - with the help and support of both families. I do feel that familial support could make all the difference in this situation.

As somebody who thinks that being called a Daily Mail reader is a terrible insult, I could take offence at this, but I won't.:D

Of course I think that families should support each other in most sorts of trouble and nobody would want to return to the days when a girl in this position was turned out of the house. However, the UK has one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates in Europe,which various agencies are trying to tackle, so congratulating someone who's just added to it seems hardly helpful.

Surely knowing how much one's parents would disapprove of this and how disappointed they would be if it were to happen is one of the things that would make teenagers avoid this situation. Knowing that congratulations and flowers were going to be the order of the day is hardly going to be a disincentive!

KarrieBee

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

As somebody who thinks that being called a Daily Mail reader is a terrible insult, I could take offence at this, but I won't.:D
quote]

Sorry ONW I certainly didn't mean to tar you with the "daily hate" brush I was referring to the attitude not any poster in particular. I do see what you mean but it seems a little like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted in this case as the baby is already on the way.

I certainly think young people need better education about relationships and to feel confident enough not just to take precautions but to say no, we learned a lot about the mechanics of sex but very little about the consequences so I do agree with you that is the key.
I still (stubborn baggage that I am!;) ) stand by congratulations to the OP as she obviously wants to make the best of what is a far from ideal situation.

mandragora_2

I can see both sides of this, and did come down on the 'Good God have you never heard of contraception' side of the discussion when my own son (then 21) and his g/f (then 18) of a few months broke the news she was expecting a baby. ('She said she was on the pill, mum') I was very very angry - incandescent, really, for a while at the waste of it all. They were a reasonably happy couple, but nothing that special to each other, so it seemed. (In fact, when she found out, she spilt with him without telling him why. He was a bit sad for a week or so, then got back on with his life). He had just finished his degree, and was looking forward to going out into the big wide world - to work, travel and be young.


But, after a week or two, when I had, admittedly, had had some of my say (!), a friend said to me 'There's worse things than a baby'. And she was right. Now, to look at them both a year later, I am very, very proud of them both. The baby is the best cared-for and loved child in England. They're fantastic, loving parents, and he is just an extremely happy, confident little chap. They've just moved into a new house this weekend, and like their former place, its spotless. He has changed jobs once this year, for one with better pay/hours. And they're doing it. Not perfectly, and they do some things in ways I wouldn't do them, but they are stable, independent, and responsible. And, yes, it is wierd being a granny. But its also much more than that, too. I never expected it, and I would never have chosen it, but if they are happy, and the baby is well-cared for, then what have we lost? Nothing. In fact, I'd say the world is a richer place.


Ok. I'll get down off the soap-box now.