Great 'financial harmony in relationships' hunt

bagpuss11_2

Hi all. Let me explain my situation...

My boyf moved into my hse about a year and a half ago. We agreed that he would pay half towards the main bills. He earnt about half of my salary. I was a bit lax with paperwork and never got around to sorting out how much he owed me for bills in the first few months.

Then he had a bit of problem at work, and he had to quit. He has since been unable to find any work and its been 10 months now. I have been paying all the bills, except for food which he pays half of. I understand that it's all about riding out the tough times and for richer or poorer, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment as I'll never get that money back for the bills. I have been burnt before and am worried I'm making another financial mistake. I don't want him to move out but I'm wondering how long it can go on like this.

I have not been able to talk to anyone about this as it's embarrassing, so any thoughts and suggestions would be welcome

ailuro2

Talking about money should not be embarrassing - that's what gets people into difficulties with money - as a nation we have been traditionally tight lipped about what we do with our money, but with sites like this, and other money advice sites, hopefully there will be no need to feel embarrassed about money issues ever again.

So - to your question - the money you think he owes you is spent a long time ago, I presume - YOU say you were lax ion organising things, but really all you had to say was 'this month's share of the bills is £60 quid' but in reality you may have been embarrassed/a bit shy, or didn't want to bring it up because you were in the just moved in together and the world is rosy phase.:o

I'd write the money off, tbh, if you're partners then you should be there for each other when times get tough. Living together isn't like having flatmates with your name on a food cupboard, is it?

If you feel like it is, then you need to rethink your living arrangements.;)

gelato_cat

Bf and I are just about to buy a house together, so I will share what "tips" I have so far (not many!) but will also be following this thread with interest to see what others do.

Bf doesn't discuss his money matters with anyone. So when we decided to get the house, he'd done some mental arithmetic to work out how much we could put down as a deposit and how much mortgage we could get - based on guesswork! I told him we would have to be honest about our financial matters in order to get anywhere and he was fine with that, so he divulged everything and now seems quite comfortable about talking about things.

It turned out that his salary is double mine, and after he's sold his flat he'll have double the amount of cash as me to put down as a deposit, so we agreed to split ownership of the house 2:1 and get a joint account, into which we'll make contributions in the same ratio (we'll probably be paying in 50% of our take-home salary each). Out of this we will pay the mortgage and all household expenses. I am in the middle of drawing up a spreadsheet to show what expenses will be covered and how much they come to. Anything left in the account after the bills have been paid will go into joint rainy day savings or overpaying the mortgage - we're going to see how it goes and adjust if needed.

I was happy with the 2:1 split until I chatted to a few people and realised that however much I said otherwise, I didn't feel like an equal partner. So we're going to put down the same amount in deposit and get a bigger mortgage to cover the bit that he would have put in. I know it's not very MSE, but there's still time to tweak that arrangement if necessary (the mortgage is very flexible) so I'm not too worried about that. He's scared about offsetting it in case the bank goes under but I may be able to talk him round on that one.

Once we have paid money into the joint account, whatever's left in our respective current accounts is ours to do what we want with. I hardly spend anything so I'll probably save mine. He is still of the feeling that what he earns is his (and what I earn is mine). I'll have to see how it goes with that one - we don't want kids, but what happens if one of us gets ill and can't work? My parents always had joint accounts and so do his parents. If we get married my preference would be to share everything, but that's a conversation for later I spose (took me long enough to get him to this stage)!

Suze

Chriswil

I am really surprised by all of the comments so far. I've only read a couple of examples, where my wife and I follow the same logic. (Incidently the same that both our respective sets of parents did as well).

There is none of this, "your money, my money," crap (apologies for being frank). Our salaries go into our joint account, part goes to a joint savings account, or one of our isa's (each linked to through each others bank account).

We have a Visa Card each with each other as an additional card holder - basically helps hide birthday/Christmas presents from each other - but all the paperwork is there and we suggest that each other doesn't look at it.

If we're going to buy anything of note, we'll talk to each other but we each have the sense that if it's a £40 pair of shoes when the last pair are falling apart then it's not a problem.

Are we the exception?

foxxymynx

Chriswil wrote: »

I am really surprised by all of the comments so far. I've only read a couple of examples, where my wife and I follow the same logic. (Incidently the same that both our respective sets of parents did as well).

There is none of this, "your money, my money," crap (apologies for being frank). Our salaries go into our joint account, part goes to a joint savings account, or one of our isa's (each linked to through each others bank account).

We have a Visa Card each with each other as an additional card holder - basically helps hide birthday/Christmas presents from each other - but all the paperwork is there and we suggest that each other doesn't look at it.

If we're going to buy anything of note, we'll talk to each other but we each have the sense that if it's a £40 pair of shoes when the last pair are falling apart then it's not a problem.

Are we the exception?

No, not the exception at all! What's mine is his and what's his is mine, it's worked for us so far! (though granted I don't think he'd mind if my Little House on The Prarie DVDs took a walk...:rotfl:) So long as we tell each other that money has been spent and discuss big purchases (after bills etc are paid) there isn't any issue. If we go out for a meal, whoever has money pays. When we go grocery shopping, again whoever has money pays. I think the key is trust and communication.

ailuro2

Chriswil wrote: »

There is none of this, "your money, my money," crap (apologies for being frank). Our salaries go into our joint account, part goes to a joint savings account, or one of our isa's (each linked to through each others bank account).

Are we the exception?

No, that's the way we do it and we've never fallen out about money (apart from when we couldn't agree on how much we GAINED by moving our overpayment fund to a savings account - which is ridiculous really!!:o )

We are both around the same level of spending - he spends more in the pub than I do, but I have my martial arts classes which adds up to about the same. He cuts his own hair, I go to the hairdresser twice a year, we both buy clothes when we NEED them rather than want them. You can see from my signature that we're on our way to owning our home outright, a position both of us are very keen to be in. Our joint extravagances are holidays, but we don't yet have a big holiday every year.

Unity in finances goes a long long way to a happy relationship. imho.:D

Lilith1980

I think its great if you can have a joint account and have the "what's yours is mine" thing, but I dont think its wrong if couples DON'T have joint accounts - its whatever works for those people.

If my DH or I are ever short on cash we always ask the other if they can help us out, but I like to keep an eye on my money as DH fritters his away a bit. Fine if he wants to do that with his earnings but I don't want us putting it all in one big pot and then there's nothing left cos he has overspent (like he does every month!).

Its whatever works for different couples, I dont think people should judge either way.

Tetsugaku-San

Chriswil wrote: »

I am really surprised by all of the comments so far. I've only read a couple of examples, where my wife and I follow the same logic. (Incidently the same that both our respective sets of parents did as well).

There is none of this, "your money, my money," crap (apologies for being frank). Our salaries go into our joint account, part goes to a joint savings account, or one of our isa's (each linked to through each others bank account).

We have a Visa Card each with each other as an additional card holder - basically helps hide birthday/Christmas presents from each other - but all the paperwork is there and we suggest that each other doesn't look at it.

If we're going to buy anything of note, we'll talk to each other but we each have the sense that if it's a £40 pair of shoes when the last pair are falling apart then it's not a problem.

Are we the exception?

Always feel free to be frank - but if you are I will be

I don't think your the exception, but judging by the responses I'd say it's split 4 ways

1) put everything into a joint account and take equal personal money (30%)

2) Pay a proportion of joint bills each depending on the disparity of pay (30%)

3) Pay an equal amount of joint bills each and keep the remaining cash as personal (30%)

4) Not really plan it and play each month by ear (10%)

I think the best way is #2, after speaking to the OH last night specifically about this thread (and getting her to read it) we are switching from #3 to #2, with me paying two thirds, and even after looking at other peoples approaches she still feels bad about doing it.

I cannot believe that #1 could ever be the best approach (and I will be frank here!), I would always feel resentful that the OH wasn't pulling their weight! (not to include kids here, that's a separate issue).

If the OH gets an equal amount of money whatever happens - where is the motivation to better yourself? To succeed? To get promoted? To start your own business? To get up at 5:30 in the morning in the dark, in the cold and go and do a job you don't like but you have to because of the bitter financial realities of the world?

I suppose it's a definite difference in world view, and when two people come together and have differing views - that's when the arguments start. it looks like peoples different methods worj very well for them when both parties have the same ideas and approaches and pick either #1, #2 or #3. #4 is always going to lead to disaster!

I have done a few quick tests with the people I know who live together / married and I'd say it's more of a generational thing than you would think - I have had my mothers friends (55+ ) shake their head at hearing what me and the OH do, amazed that we take it in turns to buy meals out or even turns at buying rounds in the pub.

In contrast, all the people I know my age and under (30) either follow #2 or #3, with far more of them following #3. In fact I sit next to someone who has the same 5x / 6x wage disparity with his OH and they split their 1,000 a month joint bills right down the middle.

I'm trying to say this without sounding like a greedy git but it comes down to the fact that if I want to buy something large and expensive with my money (I really want a corvette), then I will do, with my money, that I earnt, and wife / partner or not I want to make that decision myself.

But again I suppose it comes back to whatever you are both comfortable with that is the most important thing :A

lucy_lockett_3

Hello there,
What about agreeing to work out together what it takes to run the home, food fuel payments etc, then agreeing amounts to put into a joint account to cover it that is Proportional to your individual incomes. Good luck whatever you decide to do. LL

RainproofMissCharlee

I must admit, I really can't imagine how sharing all your finances in one pot could work happily from both sides, though I can see that it clearly does for lots of you!

My other half and I live in a flat that, realistically, I can't afford to live in at the moment, because my income is low while I'm trying to set up a new business. I have struggled to pay my half of everything, despite the OH's repeated offers to pay more than me (he earns around five times my salary, the lucky thing!), because I don't feel comfortable about it. But after a good talk (and a look at the forums here), I have finally relented and will now be paying about 1/3 of our living costs, which will make a huge difference to my personal finances. To make up for the difference though, I'll do the lion's share of the housework, so that I feel as comfortable with the situation as he does. When we have children, I'll expect it to work similarly: he is the breadwinner, and I take care of everything else (and put in money if/when I can). A bit trad, maybe, but good common sense to me.

With this in mind, some people think it's no different to what would be happening if we stuck all our wages in the pot, paid what needs to be paid, and divided up what was left. But, to be honest, I can be a really unpredictable spender, and the last thing I'd want when I've just guiltily bought something frivilous that I can't afford is to then have to explain myself to the OH. Plus, I wouldn't want to pay the debts an old girlfriend of his ran up! Because we don't share our earnings, it leaves us totally relaxed to be open and honest about what we spend and what we owe, so we never argue about money.

We're getting hitched this year and, for us at least, that means that although we'll be sharing our life and love, we'll be keeping two sets of opinions, two book collections and two separate bank accounts

Sorry for the length (brevity fail) - and yes, I *am* Tetsugaku's OH