Great 'financial harmony in relationships' hunt

MSE_Jenny

Money worries are one of the most common reasons for couples splitting up, so it’s vital to be honest and open about financial matters. We'd like to tap MoneySavers for their top tips on financial harmony in relationships.

What are the best ways to operate a joint account? How can you reconcile different spending habits? Should you have meetings once a month with all the paperwork?

Please post below to share your top tips.

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Cornish_Duchess

Funnily enough, I've just been sat here with this stuff going 'round my head.

My partner and I have just set up (a year ago) a joint account for the bills and that's been going nicely... we each put £340 in a mth and that covers everything (I erred on the side of caution, so it's currently around £50 more than we need and I've been syphoning that off into the attached savings account).
This is turning out to be the best thing we've done with finances since we got together 8 yrs ago!

My problem is... household repairs. Well not so much repairs, but... well, he's an 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' kind of person.
So eg our boiler... my dad (a plumber) came up to visit 2 yrs ago and serviced it... he warned me that we'd need to get a new one... consequently, I haven't dared get it serviced since, as I have a feeling any decent plumber may condemn it. [My dad's jumping mad as you can imagine].

So, my dad's offered to come and fit a new one for free in April providing we pay for the boiler... I haven't been able to bring this up with my OH yet, as I can't face the ensuing row (well, it's never a row, he's dead calm in arguments - I tend to get frustrated and start shouting!).
Consequently, I've been saving like mad to try and get the money together so I can pay for it and he won't have to... problem is I'm starting to feel slightly resentful about the whole thing... especially as some of the money I'm using is money I've already tried to save towards Cavity Wall ins. [something else he doesn't see the point of... he just thinks it'll make the house hotter... I can't seem to get through to him that the heating won't have to be on for as long!)

(In case you're wondering about the joint acc. syphoned savs, he may have to use his half towards his tax bill, we're not sure yet (he's self-employed).

Sorry, that was supposed to be a quick reply but it seems I'm not very good at them!

foxxymynx

To be frank, DH and I have had a few different financial situations over the years that we've been together.

If we don't have money, we can't spend it and if we do have money, so long as bills, food etc etc are covered, if it gets spent, it gets spent, no big deal.

Neither of us drink reguarly, smoke or gamble, we both have some expensive hobbies but it's as simple as if the money is there it can be spent, if not, it can't.

We've always had access to each others money and it's never been a problem. If something needs buying, it gets bought. However neither of us take liberties or hide any spending, telling each other if something has been bought.

There's more important things to worry about than money!

deborah007

Hi all

I shall be reading this thread with interest. My boyfriend and I are "more or less" living rogether at the moment - we maintain two properties but are always at one or the other of them In April we are planning to move in together and he has said we will get a joint bank account then and pay the bills etc jointly.

I am just a little bit worried as to how this will work and whether we should be paying the same amount each month into this account and then do we need to ask each other's permission before spending money from it?

We are also planning to get married later this year and the excess we have been spending on the two properties instead of one will go towards paying for the wedding.

Deb :T

At the moment we each pay for own bills but split the food bills - if we go out to eat then we take turns in paying.

Hopefully we can continue to deal with this amicably as I have seen many relationships flounder over the years after arguing over money and I don't want ours to go this way!

Susan_Frost

We have a joint housekeeping account, where we both put in the same and bills, mortgage etc. come out of it. And a housekeeping purse, where we both put the same in each week for milkman, groceries, etc. If it builds up a bit, we spend it on something small for the house. We go halves on big things, like we had a new boiler - things we can plan.

I suppose few couples agree exactly on what to spend money on, but as long as you are roughly in the same mind, there should be fewer arguements.

Regarding Cornish Princess boiler, at a time when you think you can BOTH afford it, and go halves, why not get it serviced by someone who will condem it. That way, it would have to be done, you could ask the installer to also check installation and make recommendations. Sometimes an independant person could persuade DH where you cannot.

But I would say if you are starting to pay for larger things like cavity wall ins out of your own money, then that is very unfair, and I can understand arguements starting. It may be that while you will pay for it, he will let you. After all, it's his property as well as yours which you are improving.

How good is he with money? He obviously doesn't mind using joint money for his tax. Would he expect to pay that back? I would hope so. But if not, then you may want to think carefully, cos this is how it may always be. Would you be able to rely on him financially into the future.

Everyone has different ideas, and as long as it genuinely suits the both of you, then it does not matter what the arrangement is.

bednarska

This isn't a reply as such, more a request for advice!

My OH and I bought a house 'together' in 2007 - I say 'together' because everything is in my name as he was self-employed at the time, so we could only get a mortgage based on my income. I literally paid for everything throughout the purchase and bought most of the big things (fridge/freezer, washing machine, etc.) when we moved in. He is not native English, so it was also easier for me to set up gas, electric, etc. and these are all in my name.

Since then, I have paid for everything out of my own wages - and I mean everything, even our joint gym memebership. We have been talking about setting up a joint account for what feels like forever, but I can't get him to actually do it.

This has caused numerous arguments, as he is quite frivolous with money, whereas I obviously have to be very careful as I have to make sure that all our bills are covered. He does pay for most of the supermarket shops and petrol, but he has no idea about budgeting and I'm sure he throws hundreds of pounds at Tesco every month! This creates a lot of resentment, as I feel like he literally has his wages in his pocket to do exactly what he likes with every month while I am unable to enjoy mine! He always says that I can take his cash card any time I like if I want to buy something, but to me, that's beside the point - I want to spend my own money! Plus, I don't know if he even has any money left at the end of the month!

Any ideas about the best way to get him to commit to paying his share without destroying the relationship???

Apologies for the mammoth post, but I'm getting a bit desperate here and you lot always give such good advice

parristim

Hiya,

I'm very interested to hear what other Moneysavers have to say about the issue of different salaries... Until I moved in with my OH ~18mths ago I'd been a financial mess for years, saddling myself with ~£20k unsecured debt (now ~£15k, I should post my debt free wannabe date/progress at the bottom eh?)

The OH is, and always has been, extremely frugal and whilst I pay my half of the mortgage and bills she has pretty much solely funded the purchase of our house (deposit, costs, furniture, plumbing/electrical work, etc. etc.) My 'wilderness years' have drilled a very strong sense of financial responsibility into me - I believe in paying my way, so have listed my half of everything spent on a massive IOU chart. It works both ways: if I buy something (e.g. cavity wall insulation, £198 through Tesco and very happy with it! Cornish, send your feller to some kind of science evening class!) it gets knocked off the total owing.

The trouble is, the running IOU total (including my half of the house deposit which I was unable to stump up at the time) is round about £10k at the moment, that's on top of the other £15k I still owe various banks (mostly on 0% plastic - here's hoping that that gravy train doesn't end anytime soon!)

The double trouble is that the OH's salary is ~150% x mine, and likely always will be (because of our particular lines of work - and because she's a dilligent, motivated and highly skilled dilligent professional and I'm, well, getting away with typing this!) So, like Cornish, our bolier's also on the way out and likely the OH will have to fund the replacement. I'll put my half of the cost on the chart, but will I ever be able to pay it back? Even if I ever get caught up, there'll always be other home-improvement projects to fund, hopefully a wedding, hopefully kids. Should I give up my aspiration of always paying my half of everything? Or would that make me a free-loader, albeit a partial one?

As I say - would be very interested to hear other perspectives on unequal salary situations. Cheers,

TP

EDIT: Above message posted whilst I was composing this - NB I'm not Bednarska's OH!

michael-m_3

We have what seems like a complicated setup, but it works. We started with a joint account, but I was always the one who monitored it and saw it go overdrawn as money was 'wasted' on clothes and shoes and the like (of course, when I bought books, CDs and camera stuff, that was money well-spent, not wasted! ). Eventually we created a system involving several accounts, and on the whole that has worked pretty well for the last 12 or more years. We have:
- a joint account, into which all our income goes. All regular bills (electricity, insurance etc.) come out of this.
- two single accounts in each of our names. We pay ourselves 'pocket money' into these each month from the joint account, and then use that to spend on all the fripperies of life (afore-mentioned clothes etc.) as well as the essentials (books and camera equipment) - and it is none of the other person's business what is bought. It means that when one of us comes home with a new dress or book, the other can just admire it without thinking 'you paid HOW MUCH for that?!'

We also use the single accounts to pay for food and things like child's clothes etc., but then at the end of the month all these receipts are gathered up and the total is paid from the joint account - like an expenses claim.

It sounds complicated, but once there's a rhythm, I think it really works well. It also works for not having much money (as we were when we started this) to our present circumstances, where we are both in reasonably good and secure employment. For various reasons we do have fairly high levels of debt, but it works for this too - so long as there is agreement on how the debt is paid (almost all of it is joint, and comes out of the joint account).

(I should add that we are in a very complicated phase just now, as we are moving from the Royal Bank of Scotland, who are totally useless, to the Nationwide, who are perhaps marginally less useless - so we have FIVE, soon SIX accounts in total! But soon we'll be back to the normal three accounts!)

Above all, I think it's important to communicate clearly and establish a principle both are happy with, and if there is a problem, it MUST be addressed - and better sooner (whilst it's a still just a big problem) than later (when it's become absolutely ENORMOUS!). Doesn't that apply to all of life?!

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overlykeensaver

we have separate current accounts for our salaries and then a joint account to pay for bills, emergencies and so on. This works well for us. When I worked full time we would pay in the same amount even though OH earned more than me. Now with a daughter he pays in more than I could but I always pay in the amount for nursery fees and then at the end of the month I pay in all the money left in my account so I am making a good contribution too.

We both feel this is fair and works well.

We have always talked openly and honestly about money, savings, how much is on your credit card etc (nb, we pay it off every month and use it for supermarket ) and I think this is the most important thing. It doesn't matter how much or little money you have - keep talking about it together. We believe that the money we earn is for us as a family and almost compete to see how much money we can save each month!

kingkano

We have a joint account which our salaries go into. We 100% share everything in life. The bills get paid. We have an agreed budget sheet for what goes where. Part of this is personal expenses & pocket money which we get in cash to spend where and when we want, no questions asked.

When it comes to savings, bigger expenses etc we just talk about it out! No need for a 'monthly meeting' etc. Mrs KK says the washing machine is naff and on the blink so we agree we'll get a new one. She researches the model she wants then I find the best price. We buy it from our savings (which is joint of course). Mrs KK gets a yearly bonus from work which we decide a percentage goes to her pocket money and the rest joins the household finances (this way she gets all the shoes and clothes she wants through the year out of this - I dont need to worry what she buys or how much she spends).

Have to admit I am more the spender and financially savvy (I do the budget, find the savings accounts, etc) but Mrs KK earns more money than me. But we've never really had arguments about money or what it's spent on. If one of us had a problem with what's being spent or something that's bought, we have a discussion and come to an agreement somehow about it. No problem.

I must admit the whole concept of being married or in a long term family relationship and still having seperate finances worries/scares/mystifies me! If your paying half each how does it work when Mrs has children and is off work? Should she hit her savings or does she stop paying her half? What about where there is massive difference in earning power? I know these things could probably be negotiated just like we do.... I just couldn't do it. I guess our way is kind of old fashioned but it works for us.

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strangel

I have a slightly different problem and hope that some one can help!!!

I work full time bringing home approx £1200 pm, my partner is on Incapacity Benefit of £75.40 pw. My partner gives me £5 pw fuel money, £22.50 pw towards a loan I took out for him (payments £156 pm), he pays £5 pw maintenance and £1.25 pw tax credits overpayment. I pay everything else ie rent, council tax, shopping, running of the car, maintenance for my child, basically you name it and I pay it.

I have tried to talk to him about giving me more money each week but this only ends up in a blazing row and me getting very frustrated as I have no money left at the end of the month.

Any ideas how this can be done a bit more diplimatically???