Great 'financial harmony in relationships' hunt

overlykeensaver

jollybrown wrote: »

See I struggle with this too. I moved in with my OH about a year ago. We decided that I would pay half to the bills as they stood at that point in time and as much to the mortgage as I could afford (which was about a quarter of it). I don't know how much he earns and he doens't know how much I earn, however, I know he earns considerably more than me.

Hello
I think it is important to have a casual chat - maybe when your next payslip comes in? - and just tell him how much you earn. It could be along the lines of "ooh I just got paid today . So good to have tha £XX in my bank again..."

Hopefully this can lead into how much he brings home. Once you are both aware of it, it should help towards a discussion on how much you are both contributing to the house.

hope this helps! I do think that if you are going to be together for any length of time, you really should know how much each other earns.....

daleigha

i think its so important to have the same financial opinions as the OH, although obviously people who dont have made it work.

when OH and i moved in together about 5 years ago, i added up all the bills we would have to pay (rent, electric, food, petrol etc) per month and we split it evenly, as we both earned about £11k then. we opened a joint account and all the bills come out of this - we each put money in each month and whatever is left in our current accounts is for each individual to do with as they please.

over the years this has had to be upped as we moved to more expensive rental properties and bought a new car. OH now earns £15k and i earn £20k, so i put more into the joint account now that he does. obviously i dont mind this as im still left with more 'spare' money than he is every month. it wasnt decided by percentages or anything (although i think thats an excellent idea as it doesnt leave one person skint while the other is out living the highlife!!) it was a more organic process - i earnt more so i stuck in more when it was needed. he was paying off a loan and as soon as that was paid he started putting a few quid extra into the joint account.

as we rent, we dont have big repairs / replacement white goods to think about - when we buy we are going to have to discuss how to run this - my preferred option would be to each maybe put £25 extra in the joint account as a buffer.

when we moved into our current flat, it was unfurnished, so we had to buy furniture, as the last place was furnished. i used my savings to buy everything, and then he paid me back an agreed amount, that was less than half as i earn more, over a period of time.

im not sure what we'll do when we have kids - again, that will be something discussed and agreed on in plenty of time.

although i see my spare money and my savings as mine, and not OH's, i most certainly dont have a problem lending him money or paying extra for things to do with the house as we are a team and i wouldnt want to see him struggle to afford things.

it has annoyed me in the past that i always have to come through for money for furniture or paying the deposit on a new place, as he doesnt really have savings, but at the end of the day he always pays back what has been agreed and i would feel really bad if i demanded he pay the money there and then and was left with no money for the rest of the month.

we are getting married this year, so i worked out a budget and have told him how much he has to pay, and therefore how much he needs to save every month to acheive this.

im very much in control of joint money, but its only because he doesnt have much interest, not because ive kept it secret!!

my advice to people trying to sort out their joint finances would be to make sure that everything has been agreed in advance, what is to come from the joint account, and what is not acceptable to come from the joint account, how much each person will pay etc, and everytime there is a change, like buying a car, getting married or moving to a more expensive rental, that a discussion takes place in good time about how this will be funded, and agreement made. dont let OH walk over you, but at the same time be fair about money and remember that you are meant to love this person - you dont want to see them skint!!

xx

gremlin

I really dont understand why couples make this such a difficult thing. (Thats not a criticism btw just I really dont understand it ).

IMO when you either live together or marry you make a commitment, and if you have kids then its an even bigger commitment. All assets are to be shared.

In most relationships there is one who is the more financial savvy and that person has to take charge. I had to do that.

I organised a joint account for us both and a seperate account for each of us.

Joint account - all money goes in and all bills are paid from this. This account is also used to pay for sundry house costs (extra essentials, fuel etc.)

Individual accounts - an allowance per month goes in to cover our personal spending, what we buy is up to us. Atm its about £100.

If either of us needs more we mention it to the other. But as long as all bills are paid its not a problem if he wants more for a big night out or I want to get something for me or the house. We just make sure we communicate.

Internet banking is fantastic for this, standing orders are set up for all of the transfers are set up and so theres little hassle once the organisation is set.

It also makes it special for presents. When he gets me a present its out of his own money and not 'ours' and vice versa. I know its a bit silly but I feel nicer when I buy him something out of 'my' money and not from the household pot IYKWIM.

overlykeensaver

gremlin wrote: »

. I know its a bit silly but I feel nicer when I buy him something out of 'my' money and not from the household pot IYKWIM.

:TI agree with this! We always put our weekly supermarket some on the credit card and then pay it off at the end of the month. In December, I bought DH a CD and other things from the supermarket and just couldn't put them through on the weekly shopping bill as that would mean he was paying for his own present! I had to separate them off at the till and pay from my current account - much to the chagrin of the lady behind me:rotfl:

christopherjohn

Simplest way is to start with ALL the annual household expenditure (food and household items shopping, mortgage/rent, buildings & contents insurance, council tax, utilities bills, (car tax insurance and servicing if you share a car), christmas, holidays, birthday presents, etc, etc).
Calculate the amount required to fund that account monthly.
If incomes are wildly different assess the amount contributed on a percentage basis. Both transfer funds into the joint account, and only spend from that account costs actually budgetted in it.
Thus income goes into each private account, anything left over (after transfer to joint account) is yours to spend.
For large bills that can be planned, merely add to the joint account, and those that are unplanned, borrow, but fund the borrowing to the joint account in the same proportions as already agreed. Both of these need discussing in advance thus ensuring that neither one nor the other feels 'hard done by'!

Tetsugaku-San

Maybe I've just been burnt too many times (as has the OH) but I'd *never* put all our earnings into a single account and then take an allowance.

I've lived with my fiancee for 9 months now and we're planning to get married late this year. At the moment the total cost of rent, bills and food comes to £1,800 p/m, initially we put in the same amount but now I put in £1000 and she puts in £800.

Our initial estimates (£1,600) was too small so I have taken up the slack as I earn more, it was very, very hard for me to get the OH to accept that I should pay more, she's very independent and as I mentioned we have both had severe money issues with previous partners. this is despite the fact that I earn five times more than she does.

I do not see the way that we split things up changing when we get married, I would suppose the only time they would will be when we have children and she can't work. Even then her mail order business will bring in some money so I would expect her to put in what she could to the joint account.

I suppose I feel that everybody should pull their weight in a relationship, some of the stories I read above amaze me - if your OH isn't pulling their weight financially - what on earth are you doing with them? If they aren't responsible enough to pay their share of the bills you *both* have to pay (whoevers name it's in) then it can only lead to resentment.

EDIT: Actually this is a great opportunity for me to ask what the prevailing opinion is, if I earn 5x my OH, should I pay 5x more of the joint bills? (Under the system that we use at the moment (and want to stay with))

BlondeHeadOn

I think it must be a lot easier for me and OH, as we both earn about the same amount. So when we moved in together (and later got married) we set up a joint account into which we both pay the same amount each month.

This covers absolutely everything that is a joint expense - mortgage, bills, food etc., and also I use any left over each month by using half for an overpayment on the mortgage, and half gets paid into a savings account for holidays and weekends away etc.

If there is a sudden big bill to pay we divide it between us (if it is a joint expense), so e.g. replacing a worn-out door we pay half each.

The rest of our money we keep separate in our own accounts, and can use as we please. So if we want to splurge on something extravagant, we do - absolutely guilt-free, as it is our own money. Also gift to each other are from our own accounts, so no issue there.

I'm aware that we are lucky in being pretty equal on the earnings front - but if not we would work it out so we were paying into the joint account proportinate to what we each earn.

Works for us!

Triggles

For us, everything is OURS. We have a joint account, out of which everything is paid. Most bills are on direct debit, except for just one or two. We take out a little "pin money" for ourselves at the beginning of the month, and that has to last each of us all month. I take out cash for the groceries to keep it under budget, and if there is money left over, it gets put in the "savings pot" which we are saving towards any Christmas expenses for 2009. We probably spend a little money here and there that is not essential, but each of us has our little weaknesses - we just make sure we communicate about it and check with the other. I keep track of the budget, but we sit down and touch base on it at least once a week to make sure we both know where we stand.

I'm a SAHM, so separate accounts would be a bit silly for us at this point. When I was working fulltime, I did make more money than DH, and supported us temporarily when he got made redundant. Now that I am a SAHM, DH is the one supporting us financially. Regardless of who made more money, we have always put our full incomes into the joint account. But it's never ever been a "your money, my money" kind of thing. We have always agreed no matter who earns it, it is OUR money. There's no resentment on either side, we work together as a team. That's what works well for us.

tquinlan

In ten years of being together, we've been through some pretty major financial crises as I started up the business, wrote a book, etc. Oh, and the kids arrived...

A couple of years ago, we realised that we've got very different beliefs and patterns around money and how we see it - much of it coming from how our parents dealt (or didn't) with it. We found a great book called Money Drunk, Money Sober - with interesting discussions and exercises to play with around money.

Not a cure-all, but by doing it week by week together, we started to a) understand where each other was at and b) change our old money habits. The effect (for us - YMMV) has been pretty spectacular and while we've had rocky moments, we've never disagreed or argued about money again.

justapuppy

If you and your partner struggle in dealing with your finances without arguing, have a look at http://thecoupleconnection.net/articles/11 :T

(Not for profit site I use)