Great 'financial harmony in relationships' hunt

KellyWelly

We've always had a joint bank account for our money. All the bills come out of it on direct debits, our lodger pays in cash which gets put into a pot that we use for day to day cash as we need it. We've never had any issues with money at all - other than a general lack of it at times!

I'm the more financially aware one so I tend to say whether we can afford X Y or Z but if one of us wants something we get it - we would only talk about it if it were a major purchase that we'd have to budget for.

The only thing we have in separate names is ISAs and pensions - and only because you HAVE to have them in separate names. Our normal savings accounts are joint.

We believe in the oneness and unity of marriage and see that as encompassing everything - finances are no different to any other aspect of it. In fact I think it's divisive to have separate accounts etc, but maybe I'm old fashioned.

Jeryth

michael-m wrote: »

We have what seems like a complicated setup, but it works. We started with a joint account, but I was always the one who monitored it and saw it go overdrawn as money was 'wasted' on clothes and shoes and the like (of course, when I bought books, CDs and camera stuff, that was money well-spent, not wasted! ). Eventually we created a system involving several accounts, and on the whole that has worked pretty well for the last 12 or more years. We have:
- a joint account, into which all our income goes. All regular bills (electricity, insurance etc.) come out of this.
- two single accounts in each of our names. We pay ourselves 'pocket money' into these each month from the joint account, and then use that to spend on all the fripperies of life (afore-mentioned clothes etc.) as well as the essentials (books and camera equipment) - and it is none of the other person's business what is bought. It means that when one of us comes home with a new dress or book, the other can just admire it without thinking 'you paid HOW MUCH for that?!'

We also use the single accounts to pay for food and things like child's clothes etc., but then at the end of the month all these receipts are gathered up and the total is paid from the joint account - like an expenses claim.

It sounds complicated, but once there's a rhythm, I think it really works well. It also works for not having much money (as we were when we started this) to our present circumstances, where we are both in reasonably good and secure employment. For various reasons we do have fairly high levels of debt, but it works for this too - so long as there is agreement on how the debt is paid (almost all of it is joint, and comes out of the joint account).

(I should add that we are in a very complicated phase just now, as we are moving from the Royal Bank of Scotland, who are totally useless, to the Nationwide, who are perhaps marginally less useless - so we have FIVE, soon SIX accounts in total! But soon we'll be back to the normal three accounts!)

Above all, I think it's important to communicate clearly and establish a principle both are happy with, and if there is a problem, it MUST be addressed - and better sooner (whilst it's a still just a big problem) than later (when it's become absolutely ENORMOUS!). Doesn't that apply to all of life?!

Wow - I had to read the details to make sure my husband hadn't sneaked on this board and posted a reply! VERY similar issues and solutions: Since my divorce 10 years ago I have kept a budget spreadsheet, not totally successfully stuck to it, and maintained my skint status. When I met and married my current OH we both had debts but he was, in my opinion, spending willy nilly. He earned about 12K and I was on p/t wages of about 8K so I gave him “board” money each month. There was a trust issue, but after three years, when we got married we agreed to share everything (I am now on f/t wages about 12.5K and he is on a little more). He finally admitted that he was not very good with money, and disclosed the debts. Not a problem – we agreed to sort it out together. We put all money in the joint account, then have a weekly allowance into a personal account. I used to siphon off savings into another account that he did not have access to (to pay for wedding and Xmas et cetera) but now we are paying off debts with savings. We have just started grocery shopping online which is good for budgeting. We generally share everything but we also talk about it and have done throughout our relationship. Other couples deal with finances differently and it works for them.

Sam_Hooray

As a bloke who has been with my (now) wife for 9 years I have never really given too much thought to how we have organised the money. Since buying a house together 6 years ago we have a joint account, joint mortgage etc, but I assume this is quite common.
Our trick to easing through without money arguments is simple. Take both wages and add them. Take out all household outgoings. (ALL, including work travel, gym, and anything that may be considered in OUR interests). Then divide the rest in two. that's yours for the rest of the month.
Why it works is the simplicity. You get told what you have and that's it. On occasion you over spend on joint account stuff but that just means less for you both individually next month. What's more you still have your own money to spend as you will, without worrying about not being able to pay the bills as they are taken out already. The drawback is you must be extensive in the list of outgoing in the first place. (That's quite a spreadsheet let me tell you!) We earn roughly the same at the moment, although this has not always been the case with her being the main earner for a while, but now our little baby has turned up I think that mantle is mine for a while!
hooray.

NatFeerick

My advice for financial harmony in a relationship:
NEVER have a joint bank account!
Decide who is best at managing the finances (choose - don't say 'neither' or 'both') and they take care of paying all the household bills & mortgage. If the other person is earning then they transfer their contribution to the bill payer in cash or bank transfer. This way your personal accounts remain your business to do what you want with, the bills get paid because one person is in charge, personal debts remain the responsibility of whoever ran up the debt. If one person is working as homemaker then the wage earner can give them housekeeping each week to pay for kids clothes, groceries, etc.
I know from personal experience, this system works.

Jeryth

Tetsugaku-San wrote: »

EDIT: Actually this is a great opportunity for me to ask what the prevailing opinion is, if I earn 5x my OH, should I pay 5x more of the joint bills? (Under the system that we use at the moment (and want to stay with))

my personal opinion is - if this works for you, then do it. Other couples deal with things differently and that works for them. I would think that if you share your life, you might also choose to share your house and lifestyle, share your money, share your bills, share your debts, and share your savings. But you might choose a different combination.

no1gymbunny

Cornish_Duchess wrote: »

especially as some of the money I'm using is money I've already tried to save towards Cavity Wall ins.

A few years ago in my old house I had a grant for free cavity wall insulation and free brush seal things around the loft hatch. Saved me about £800. It was free for everyone in my postcode. Maybe get in touch with your local council to see if you qualify.

prestodigitator

My wife and I married about 4 years ago and I moved into her house and started renting my house out (the mortgage on the house we both live in is in her name only, and my house is in my name only). We set up a joint account and pay an equal amount into it each month which we use for all our household bills and 'joint' stuff.
My tenants pay me rent for my other house and so any small profit each month i make stays with me.
Our dilemma is this...
We eventually want to sell both the properties and combine our 'profit' (if there is any!) to purchase a house together somewhere else. now, because i have been contributing an equal amount to the house we are living in now, should I be morally (i know not LEGALLY as the mortgage is in her name) entitled to half of the profit made on the property during this time? secondly, when i sell my house i am renting, is my OH entitled, again morally, to any of the profit. thing is, the other house is basically paying for itself with a little profit each month so there is no outlay for me.

its something that causes nigggles and I'd like some other peoples take on this...
cheers!
-Presto

princess1979

My partner and I have a joint account and each month we pay enough money to cover our joint expenditure - everything flat-related basically - with some left over to accumulate for any emergency costs.

We each pay an amount into the joint account equivalent to our personal earnings so the one who earns more pays more; we figured that the important thing should be the financial sacrifice being made rather than the actual amount being contributed. So, we split it about 65% / 35% because that's what our earnings represent in terms of total household income. It sounds complicated, but it's not! The remainder of our money is our own to do what we like with. On the occasion that things do become a little heated - it's rare, but does happen! - we have to remember (this is a bit corny) we're a team working towards the same thing and then we work it out. It's not a contest of who saves more/spends more/earns more.

Clearly children introduce all sorts of problems as sometimes one partner stops earning or earns less and expenses increase, so I'm not particularly looking forward to that. I do think we'll be able to work it out though given our open communication on all things money-related.

The key for us is not to harbour resentment towards each other about money - talk about it!

Tetsugaku-San

Triggles wrote: »

This is how you feel. But I feel it is harsh. A marriage/relationship is a give and take. There are some times when one partner is giving more, and times when the other one is. When both DH & I were working full time, we never discussed percentages of our income on bills. When we got together, we joined everything - bills, income, all of it. When DH was made redundant, he was out looking for work immediately. It was only a month or two before he was back to work fulltime, but luckily we had my income at that point. I don't resent it. Things happen. It's that whole "for richer, for poorer" stuff. I've had a number of health problems, which now makes it difficult for me to work fulltime. DH doesn't resent it. It's life. That would be the "in sickness, in health" part.

And a lot depends on your view of "pulling their weight." I'm a SAHM. I don't earn an income. But I am home with our toddler full time, taking care of him and the house (and in August our new baby as well). This may not technically bring in money, but it does save on child care fees. It also means that DH and I get to spend more time together than if we were both rushing around coming and going to work and child care. So that's less stress as well. For us, that's important.

I think I may have come off as overly harsh

For example - I would not expect my other half (who wants children, and to stay at home to look after them) to go without, or to be pennyless when she was looking after children, I'd consider it a job that would need paying for, and as I'd be the only earner it would come out of my pocket, happily with no problems.

I also don't have a problem paying far more of the joint bills than she does, I earn more so it's far less of a hardship for me to pay 1200 and for her to pay 600 - but the rest of the money? The leftovers from paying joint responsibilities? Well that's my money, not hers, I earnt it and if she wants more money for herself, well she can go out and earn it herself (in fact she is trying to build her own homewares mail order / internet business now).

How else could I reconcile things like my phone contract? My phone costs more per month (45), I made the choice to pay for it, and to continue to pay for it, I wouldn't want that decision questioned (as it could be if it came out of joint cash), just as I wouldn't question the OHs decision to buy an expensive dress (I hate to confirm gender stereotypes but I am talking hypothetically). My accounts (and my whole life, emails, phone calls etc.) are completely open to the OH so there are never any secrets, if I spend a hundred pounds on new playstation games , or fifty pounds in the pub she always knows and my statements are there for her to see any time.

As I say - both of us have been burnt with financial issues and other people before (I'm still paying !), it's less a matter of trust and more a matter of caution.

The OH thinks it's wrong to owe money to anyone, anytime, she even hates the disparity in our joint bill payments, she wouldn't take money off me to ballance out our income. We even note down lending each other twenty quid if we're short in the pub!

I can see there are quite a number of different ways of dealing with things so I suppose it's what you are (both!) comfortable with that counts the most. And the *most* important thing is transparency, that way everyone knows exactly what and how much is going on.

Oh to answer a question posted later - costs of kids I would consider a joint cost, so would come out of a joint account.

cheers

Fred56

I don't know about harmony, it depends how you define it. The spouse left me a while back so we sold our house at the end of 2006 and our other investements in mid 2007. By chance, we sold at the right time. We were apart for a while but then moved into the same rented house as a sort of share. The basis is that neither of us want another relationship and it's just far cheaper to pool our resources.
I manage the investments. All of our income is pooled into a joint including my earnings from paid work and we just don't worry about how much each pays. In fact it is never mentioned or considered at all. After all we had been married for a nigh on 30 years so why make an issue out of it. Our only differences concern our respective savings. I work at managing it to get the best returns whilst she thinks it's all a waste of effort.