Great 'financial harmony in relationships' hunt

Tetsugaku-San

samizdat wrote: »

This seems very reasonable. However, my wife claims, I think with some justification, that being a woman is just inherently more expensive than being a man. Women need to spend more on clothes, haircuts, cosmetics and so on, whereas men only spend more on beer and by eating more. Am I so under my wife's thumb that I have lost perspective or do others agree there is something in this?

I think you're so far under the thumb you can't see the horizon!

You live within your means, regardless of whether you want (not need) make up and haircuts. tell your wife to get on ebay for her clothes if she needs so many new ones, and I'm fairly certain that most of the price of make up goes on the label, not the contents.

You mention that all men spend their money on is beer and food, + earlier you asked what would you spend your money on if you saved any - don't you have any hobbies to spend some money on? Surely you don't go to work purely to provide haircuts and make up for the wife!

ema_o

There is something in that, I do agree, which is why my waxing and gym membership come out of the joint budget OH gets free gym membership but pays for 5 a side and rugby out of his own money. Therefore I have a bit less to pay for so when my haircuts cost 4 times as much as his I can afford to pay for them.
I thought at the time this seemed a bit unfair, but we talked it through and I think I would become resentful if I couldn't afford a new outfit or to have my hair done now and again, but I did decide to spend less money on this than I did before we bought a house.
I think the key thing is you need to talk about this with your wife and compromise on how you split things. It definitely sounds like something needs to change.

Oh, and I do agree with Tetsugaku-san. You have to live within your means. We don't have a huge amount of money spare so we both have to prioritise what we spend it on.
I also think you need some hobbies or some way of enjoying spending the money you work so hard for!

Mary_Hartnell

Females spend 150 - 200% of the male spend on clothing.
Don't think I am going to be drawn into a discussion of which sex gets value for money:D

samizdat

Thanks for the replies. I do have things I'd like to buy! It's just that I feel I have to save for both of us.

gelato_cat

Interesting - you're the first person so far to mention a prenup! Not too sure I'd personally want to go that route - anyone else got any thoughts?

Suze

learningtosave wrote: »

i pay half of everything, except to do with the car (his in the prenup, although i drive it occassionally

bahnanna

When I and OH were earning different amounts we both kept back say £200 per month each. This paid for a birthday and Christmas present for the other one and any mags or personal friends prezzies, etc. Anything for the house or joint car or family prezzies came from the joint account. This has worked for 19 years.

starbump

Tetsugaku-San wrote: »

If you don't mind me being frank - you're wife needs a wake up call, it's exactly these situations that make me think people who share all their finances are mad. You should not have to fund your partners irresponsible financial decisions - if I paid more of a deposit on a house - I'd work out with her in advance how much she was going to pay me back each month - if they don't have enough money they should get a better job - not sponge off you!

A husbands role is not to support his wife, just as a wifes role is not to squeeze out the children and cook the dinner. Luckily - we don't live in the fifties any more and everyone has to take responsibility for their own actions.

I'm sorry to cause offence but while I agree somewhat with the first part, I find the second part slightly shocking. Yes, absolutely, it is wrong for your spouse to waste the family money. I would find it really scandalous and horrific for someone to fritter away huge sums or rack up debts without regard for their family. However, there is nothing wrong with a husband being the main/sole breadwinner. At the end of the day, even if a woman does work, she has to take some time out to physically bear the kids (unless they are childless) and there is still a glass ceiling in various careers. Also, bearing and raising kids and running the household is a perfectly valid thing for a wife to do - if the couple feel it is right for them. I realise not everyone wants the traditional family unit and that other choices are equally valid. Just remember this choice is valid too.

With regard to samizdat's problem, I think he needs to make it very clear that the situation cannot continue. It really doesn't matter who the money belongs to or where it comes from - it is being spent in an unsustainable manner. The only thing that is more expensive about being female is, without being too delicate, the various products you need to buy in relation to periods and childbearing. Is there any underlying reason for her desire to spend so heavily? Is she unhappy with her job? Have there been any recent traumas? Is she bored/lonely? Unless there is any real cause that can be addressed (and resolved) then you will need to make some very tough decisions about your future. What will you do when you have run through all your savings and have taken on as much overtime as possible? Unless she is willing to see reason and compromise (or seek help for whatever issue may be driving her behaviour) then I do not believe you will be happy together. It is a simple fact that you are unable to work yourself into an early grave to fund endless shopping sprees - at least, you are unable to do so more than once. (I realise I sound very grim and judgemental but it is just my opinion and you are perfectly entitled to ignore it.)

eireaine

Hi All
I was quite interested to read this thread as we have the odd hiccup financially so I hoped to get some good advice, however I am concerned to note that so many of you are on different salary's and paying the same amount twords joint expenses. I believe it is very rare for a couple to have the same salary so this is a huge issue and I really think the only fair way to divvy up the bills etc is on a pro rata basis. Work out all the bills, savings, holidays, rainy day fund and so on and then allocate who pays what pro rata based on earnings. When you get married or make a life commitment to somone you are taking them for richer or poorer and you need to bear this in mind. Putting the person who is on the smaller wage under pressure to live up to the financial commitments of the person who is on the higer wage is not fair and won't work in the long run. Be honest with each other about your financial situations and any accept any debts as somthing you need to work on together. Open the post together, discuss bills and debts and make decisions that increase your debt (and how you will pay this off) together.
Be nice to each other and live long happy married lives
Good Luck :)x

liberty1264

strangel wrote: »

I have a slightly different problem and hope that some one can help!!!

I work full time bringing home approx £1200 pm, my partner is on Incapacity Benefit of £75.40 pw. My partner gives me £5 pw fuel money, £22.50 pw towards a loan I took out for him (payments £156 pm), he pays £5 pw maintenance and £1.25 pw tax credits overpayment. I pay everything else ie rent, council tax, shopping, running of the car, maintenance for my child, basically you name it and I pay it.

I have tried to talk to him about giving me more money each week but this only ends up in a blazing row and me getting very frustrated as I have no money left at the end of the month.

Any ideas how this can be done a bit more diplimatically???

when the end of the month comes and you have no money left , dish his dinner up on an empty plate and when he say's whats this and he will. say when theirs money on the table theirs dinner on the plate. I know this works my mother did it to me 55 years when I forget to leave her wages

Tetsugaku-San

starbump wrote: »

I'm sorry to cause offence but while I agree somewhat with the first part, I find the second part slightly shocking. Yes, absolutely, it is wrong for your spouse to waste the family money. I would find it really scandalous and horrific for someone to fritter away huge sums or rack up debts without regard for their family. However, there is nothing wrong with a husband being the main/sole breadwinner. At the end of the day, even if a woman does work, she has to take some time out to physically bear the kids (unless they are childless) and there is still a glass ceiling in various careers. Also, bearing and raising kids and running the household is a perfectly valid thing for a wife to do - if the couple feel it is right for them. I realise not everyone wants the traditional family unit and that other choices are equally valid. Just remember this choice is valid too.

Panic not, no offence caused. There is indeed nothing wrong with one half of a relationship being the main, or indeed sole bread winner. There is something wrong (as we can see from some quite incredible stories of one half being taken for a ride on this thread) with both parts or a partnership not pulling their weight.

* Expecting more money because you're a woman? Not on.
* Sitting on your !!! and claiming sickness benefits whilst still being able to do the tiling and the gardening, not on (and illegal I'm sure)
* Splitting all your cash so someone who does 10 hours a week and someone who does 40 end up with the same cash? Not on (in my book anyway)

I suppose what I'm saying is that far too many people here are being taken for a ride and they don't know it. It doesn't matter that the OT doesn't earn as much as you but it does matter when they don't pull their weight and there isn't a fair division of labour. If you're putting more money into the relationsship, I would sure as hell expect to do less washing up!