Great 'financial harmony in relationships' hunt

pink_numbers

We have completely separate finances, and we each pay for our fair share. Usual things are split down the middle, and we do not lend or borrow more than maybe £30 to each other, which is paid back before any more lending occurs. This seems rather cold and distant, but it actually keep pressures off our relationship and we talk LOTS about money. We tell each other things the other person should know, but not everything as we don't need to know EVERYTHING. I think establishing financial harmony was easy for us as I was upfront from the start of the relationship that I had no intention of mixing money.

I have no intention of ever merging finance with anyone, except for if I have a child, when I will have a joint account with the father for expenses of the child.

Tetsugaku-San

galacticgreen wrote: »

We are a team/family

I hate to sound narked but. . . . . just because a couple don't share absolutely everything, especially their finances - that doesn't stop them being a team!

Some people like to retain more or less separation between them, finances is often one that people like to keep separate and it doesn't mean that their relationship is any less (or more) valid.

Personally I think the Borg like assimilation of two peoples lives in to an inseparable whole is to be avoided like the plague.

It's not about 'trust' it's about individuality and freedom and how much you want to maintain.

margaretclare

twirlypinky wrote: »

Having had my fingers well and truly burnt in my last relationship, I would never have a joint account again.

This is exactly how my DH felt from his last marriage. His ex's attitude was 'what's his is mine but what's mine is my own'. In the 1990s he went through several jobs and several redundancies (when the manufacturing base of this country was going down the pan - he was a sales engineer). Just before he walked out, yet another contract had finished and at 62 with a dodgy knee, he saw no prospect of another job or any more income except JSA/income support. What did madam do - went and wrote a cheque on the joint account for 2 rescued cats which she 'had to have'!!!

When he came here in 1997 I was still paying a mortgage and all the household bills went out of my account. However, DH came with the firm belief that 'Trust and Respect' are the most important things in any relationship and that applies to the money side of things as it does to everything else. He actually did get another job and we both worked until we were 67. We've done various things together, had short-term loans for modernising and upgrading bathroom and kitchen and he put as much into it as I did, especially with physical work like redecorating! We've chosen new furniture and equipment together and shared everything.

One of the first things I learned from him about money was that it is useless saving (except for a small amount of 'rainy-day' savings) when you have debts, and for a long time I wasn't good at avoiding overdrafts and all that goes with them. In 1998 over the year I paid approx £700 in bank charges, bounced direct debits etc, at the same time as trying to save. I've learned a lot from DH.

In 2002 we got married and we had the title to this property put into joint names. Not tenants-in-common, we didn't want that. At that time we also made back-to-back wills, leaving everything to each other 'provided that he/she shall survive me by 28 days and if he/she does not so survive me', everything to be turned into cash and divided equally between 5 grandchildren, 3 of mine and 2 of his.

The following year I went to work for CAB as a volunteer trainee adviser. Some of the things I saw and heard there made a deep impression on me. One was a lady whose husband had dealt with all the money side of things and she had been given housekeeping. He'd died, his estate was going through probate and she couldn't get access to any of his money from which bills had formerly been paid. She didn't even know any of the finer details about e.g. insurance policies, title deeds, his accounts, anything. All she had was approx £50 a week state pension from his contributions. Never having had to pay an electricity or gas bill, she was now getting 'final demands' and being threatened with being cut off. She was in a terrible state. I came home and I managed to persuade DH that we should open a joint account, just for household bills, so that when one of us goes at least the basic bills will get paid. We did that. We both fund that joint account, there's no card or cheque book with it, it just gets used solely for the bills, which come to just short of £300 a month and we both transfer £148 a month into it. Peace of mind, no need to worry.

I've recently been persuaded that it would be better to get my state retirement pension paid weekly rather than 4-weekly. Although I'd still rather it was paid calendar monthly, but the Pensions Service won't do that. However, DH won't do it, he's happy with it as it is, 4-weekly state pension plus his annuity calendar monthly. So our incomes are different, paid at different times on different days, and we take care of our own accounts - both do internet banking and we check our accounts daily. We're both still saving because we just do not know what is around the corner. This way of thinking has actually stood us in good stead just recently. DH was very ill mid-October and nearly died. Once he started to recover I decided that we needed a few things done for greater convenience and comfort at home - the main thing was a new shower enclosure with a lower step-in and a more modern loo. All this cost £2K, I bought new chairs, one a recliner for DH, a few things like that, new curtains and goose-down duvet because the other duvet was too heavy on his bad leg. The whole thing cost approx £4.5, plus, we'd only recently had the 'holiday of a lifetime' going along the Rhine valley, which cost approx £2,500. We may possibly have to change the car for one he can get into more easily - he's awaiting more knee surgery on 18th Feb and the outcome is not known: it may be a nice new bendy knee or it might be a completely stiff leg. So, we do need to continue saving.

Lilith1980

My DH and I had a little "debate" last night about our finances.

The reason we dont have a joint account is because he wastes money and I pointed this out to him last night and he agreed.

But he said "Why shouldnt I be able to waste my money now that I am earning a good wage?" which I didnt see the logic of. I understand when you get your first job its great to have your own money and its all exciting but he's been earning his level of salary for 3 years (he's self employed), so I kind of thought he'd be over the "mad" phase by now.

So really, I wouldnt even consider a joint account unless he changed his attitude towards wasting money. There comes a point where you have to start being sensible and he needs to look at this as he's constantly overdrawn and has credit card debts. So after that waffle, I steer well clear of joint accounts.

deborah007

I showed my OH this thread when I first posted on it the other day. He hadn't realised I was fretting about money so this gave us a good opportunity for us to discuss the subject in more detail.

We went out for a meal that evening and discussed the principles of how we feel the joint account will work now and in the future - allowing for sudden payrises (hopefully) or drops in pay (planned or otherwise!).

I feel a lot more comfortable about the subject now and nearer the time of him moving in officially we will actually discuss figures and set up a joint account. We have agreed we will pay the same amount each into the account each month to cover all the bills as our salaries are virtually identical.

We have also agreed that if our salaries do differ that we will pay to cover the bills proportionately.

If we should have children in the future then we will change this arrangement but whilst we are in our current situation we will see how it works.

Thanks guys :T

D

jgriggle

When my (now) fiancee and I first moved in together, she was earning almost twice as much as me. It seemed silly at the time to split all bills down the middle as it meant she would have lots of money left at the end of the month and I would have none. We decided the best way was to contribute proportionately to the bills (she paid two thirds, I paid one third - i.e. she paid twice as much as me.) this worked really well as it meant we both had some disposable income. Hers was twice as much as mine, which is only fair as she was earning twice as much! Now I'm earning a bit more than her, and we have a joint bank account - we don't really look at how much each person puts in; once the bills have been paid, what's left is 'our' money. This works well for us as we're both quite careful with money. It probably wouldn't work if one person in the relationship was a 'saver' and the other one a 'spender'.

Mandog

veloo wrote: »

Most of the posts above assume a marriage to be a "happily ever-after" dream. In reality, many marriages end up in divorce or separation. It is prudent to understand that your other half is not perfect, and neither are you. Since we are talking about money - one of you is more responsible, or more financially astute, or more financially savvy, etc. or all together. It is a known fact that this sort of imbalance (more so if extreme) ends up splitting the partnership. Personally, I think it most helpful to understand that you and your partner are in the same boat - socially, financially, etc. - before you get in.

I was reading on the Guardian website today about how men are on average 25% better off after divorce - women are generally much worse off, especially if there are children involved.

I've seen it happen to people I know - they come out of a relationship or divorce much worse off than they were before they went into it.

Call me unromantic but if my bf and I move in together I'll be sure to keep my own assets and have a get-out plan that leaves me reasonably unscathed.

longtimelurker_2

I suppose you do what works for you.

We never argue about money. We have to take into account the fact that he earns about twice as much as me, and this will rise exponentially in future years. So we always work everything out as a percentage of income. We put x% into a joint account (for bills etc), x% into savings, and allow x% for our own discretionary spending. That way, we can keep independent lifestyles to an extent and get presents without the other knowing, but we feel that we are equals and our contributions are equitable. Noone holds the purse strings, this is what is mutually beneficial for us as a couple and individually.

Primrose

We have two separate joint accounts with the same bank. OH's income goes into one. Mine goes into the other, but as OH has always been the higher income earner, his account pays all the bills while mine has responsibility for the savings. From the day we married we have always been 100% open and honest with each other about money and are both financially prudent so this arrangements gives the illusion of having our own accounts but ensures that we both have access to the other account in event of emergency. We both allow ourselves freedom for minor personal treats but any major expenditure is discussed and agreed beforehand. I believe that disagreements about money can be one of the fundamental causes of relationship breakdown so if you don't see eye-to-eye on this topic when first contemplating a relationship together, be very wary of what financial commitment you involve yourself in.

*Louise*

Ours is easy - we have a joint account and OH just leaves me to get on with dealing with the bills and stuff. Any large costss are discussed between us.

He lets me know if he is taking money out so I can keep track of what we have.

My smaller income goes into a seperate savings account, and pays for various things such as Christmas, DIY etc.