Great 'financial harmony in relationships' hunt

cheltenhamgirl

I've been thinking about this a lot recently because my partner and I have been talking about moving in together.

However, he owns his own house whereas I (being ten years younger and not so good with money) only rent. We've talked about it, and one way we've come up with is...

He carrys on paying his (very small) mortgage
We share all bills
I pay for the food
Anything for the house (ie diy etc) he would pay for

I think we both feel a bit uncomfortable about the house being his and his only - but obviously he doesn't just want to immediately hand over half of the house to me, but equally I don't really want to be paying towards a mortgage that I won't get anything back from. We thought that in this way at least I would be able to put some serious money away each month and then hopefully be in a position in a year or two to buy a place of my own to rent out, providing me with my own little bit of security. If and when we got married/had children we would relook at the finances and work out the best way for us then.

I'd be really interested to hear peoples opinions on this, or any other suggestions....?

Ps we did consider renting his place out and buying a place between us - but he would still be putting down the deposit and I would prefer to be in a more equal situation - any thoughts?

tirlittan

Hi Cheltenhamgirl. I've discussed this little with my bf though we are not ready to move in together. He would find it difficult to share his house with me as he would always think it of as 'his' and I would always be the 'invader'. So if we ever move in together, it would have to be a fresh start. He's only 4 years older than me, but has had a proper job since uni and his only debt is his mortgage. I have other debt and though I'd like to live with him in a year's time, would find it difficult unless I'd get rid of at least most of my debts. He also earns about 10k more than me... I think what you're thinking is fine, but maybe save for a deposit and then by a new house with him and share equally? Hope this helps and good luck.

dodgybob

:money:

Chriswil wrote: »

I am really surprised by all of the comments so far. I've only read a couple of examples, where my wife and I follow the same logic. (Incidently the same that both our respective sets of parents did as well).

There is none of this, "your money, my money," crap (apologies for being frank). Our salaries go into our joint account, part goes to a joint savings account, or one of our isa's (each linked to through each others bank account).

We have a Visa Card each with each other as an additional card holder - basically helps hide birthday/Christmas presents from each other - but all the paperwork is there and we suggest that each other doesn't look at it.

If we're going to buy anything of note, we'll talk to each other but we each have the sense that if it's a £40 pair of shoes when the last pair are falling apart then it's not a problem.

Are we the exception?

I totally agree, I've been with my partner for 19 years and as soon as we got engaged we started a joint account to save for our wedding. We've now been married for 12 years and have a child and as soon as we were married and had a house together all our salaries went into a joint account. We have credit cards with the other as second account holder and I do have an ISA in my name, but it's OUR money. My other half is not as organised as me, he just gives me the receipts for what he's spent on his cards and I organise all the bills etc.

He will ask me if there's something big he wants to buy if there is enough money in the account, or I might warn him if we're running a bit short, but otherwise we just get on with it. I used to earn more than him, now I'm part time and do more of the childcare and household chores. He would never question me on what I spent on clothes etc, and likes me to treat myself. I also think that the money coming from a joint pot keeps me in check a bit, and I spent mush more on clothes etc before we were married.

It amuses me when we go out for meals with our sister and brother in law, who have been married longer that us, who discuss who's turn it is to pay, or split the bill up between them, when I happliy leave my purse at home and my husband uses our money to pay our share.

Like Chris, this is cretaily what my parents did, so I just assumed this was how it was done when you got married, and it's worked well for us. I wouldn't have been wanting to ask my husband for money when I was on maternity leave, and he wouldn't have wanted me to have to.

samizdat

I have been really struggling with organising joint finances with my wife since before we were even married.

We have always had separate accounts. Having read some of this thread, I like the idea of paying all income into a joint account, using it to meet joint bills, and then paying an equal personal spending allowance into separate personal accounts. However, I don't think we will be able to agree on what the personal allowance should be relative to joint monthly savings. Any guidelines?

Also, I am _much_ more frugal than my wife - what will I do with all the money from my allowance that I don't spend?

Tetsugaku-San

samizdat wrote: »

Also, I am _much_ more frugal than my wife - what will I do with all the money from my allowance that I don't spend?

Whatever you like - it's your money!

However in your situation I'd say splitting the joint bills as a ratio of your difference in wages would be far fairer, why should you reward someone who can't be frugal with their money?!

samizdat

Tetsugaku-San, Not sure what you mean about the ratio. I actually earn about the same as my wife, although I occasionally get a significant bonus on top of that. I also paid the substantial deposit on our house (bought as joint tenants), have basically been paying the mortgage if you look at the disparity in our financial contributions, have received an inheritance and saved money throughout our time together.

My wife, on the other hand, tends to operate at a loss, leaving me to make up any shortfalls as they arise, and doesn't really have any savings. As I do have savings, she seems to feel that I ought to pay for everything except her own personal stuff and she would also like me to supplement her personal spending by buying her expensive gifts, taking her out to dinner, paying for holidays and so on. She also feels she needs to give up work because she doesn't like it and feels it is a husband's role to support his wife.

Obviously, I am resentful. All I want is for her to at least try to earn money (we have no children) and to agree a level of personal and joint spending that is somewhat reasonable. Then, I am happy for her to share equally in whatever I have. But I don't really see how to get there from here.

Tetsugaku-San

samizdat wrote: »

Tetsugaku-San, Not sure what you mean about the ratio. I actually earn about the same as my wife, although I occasionally get a significant bonus on top of that. I also paid the substantial deposit on our house (bought as joint tenants), have basically been paying the mortgage if you look at the disparity in our financial contributions, have received an inheritance and saved money throughout our time together.

My wife, on the other hand, tends to operate at a loss, leaving me to make up any shortfalls as they arise, and doesn't really have any savings. As I do have savings, she seems to feel that I ought to pay for everything except her own personal stuff and she would also like me to supplement her personal spending by buying her expensive gifts, taking her out to dinner, paying for holidays and so on. She also feels she needs to give up work because she doesn't like it and feels it is a husband's role to support his wife.

Obviously, I am resentful. All I want is for her to at least try to earn money (we have no children) and to agree a level of personal and joint spending that is somewhat reasonable. Then, I am happy for her to share equally in whatever I have. But I don't really see how to get there from here.

Sorry I should have explained, some people on the board (and me now) who have a disparity in pay have said that (for example) if I earn 2,000 and my partner earns 1,000, and if our monthly outgoings are 1,000, I should pay 666 and she should pay 333. All remaining income stays in our own pockets and is up to us to do with as we wish.

If you don't mind me being frank - you're wife needs a wake up call, it's exactly these situations that make me think people who share all their finances are mad. You should not have to fund your partners irresponsible financial decisions - if I paid more of a deposit on a house - I'd work out with her in advance how much she was going to pay me back each month - if they don't have enough money they should get a better job - not sponge off you!

A husbands role is not to support his wife, just as a wifes role is not to squeeze out the children and cook the dinner. Luckily - we don't live in the fifties any more and everyone has to take responsibility for their own actions.

If you don't take some action immediately things will never change, you will always resent it and you will end up ending a relationship over it, I've seen it before with friends.

I see no reason why you cannot split the bills down the middle, and keep your remaining pay each - if your wife runs out of money, that's her fault not yours and you shouldn't feel obliged to make up that shortfall. By all means, you can buy her dinner or a gift every now and then, I do for my fianc!e all the time, but it shouldn't be expected, it should be a treat, something to be grateful for.

If your wife is unhappy in her job, tell her to get a new one, not come home and spend all your cash.

ema_o

My OH and I pay all our wages into a joint account which we use for all household expenses - mortgage, bills etc, plus from this we pay an amount into a savings account for holidays and irregular expenditure. We each get equal amounts of money paid into our seperate accounts and we can do what we like with this.
When we were deciding how to do this we made a list of what would be joint, and of what we would pay for out of our own money, eg clothes, haircuts, weekends away without the other, nights out etc.
This is working pretty well so far. I earn more, but I don't think it wouldn't be fair for me to have loads of spending money and him have very little. We will probably have kids at some point, or circumstances might change so the situation is reversed.
The main reason we opted to do it this way was it seemed like the fairest way to do it. Any money we don't spend from the joint is saved for doing up our house (we have a lot to do) or we pay extra off the mortgage.
He spends more than me on nights out (more beer plus a pizza at the end of the night!) but I spend more on clothes and make up, so I think we have it about right. I have a bit left in my account but I'll save this until I need it.
I guess if one of us lost our job I would pool anything I had saved, but otherwise it is mine. We have an offset mortgage so the money in my account reduces the interest, if this wasn't the case I would try and get the best rate possible for it and keep it for a rainy day or shopping splurge!

samizdat

Tetsugaku-San wrote: »

You should not have to fund your partners irresponsible financial decisions - if I paid more of a deposit on a house - I'd work out with her in advance how much she was going to pay me back each month - if they don't have enough money they should get a better job - not sponge off you!

Funnily enough, this is what she says to me about my job - that I should be earning more, which would mean I could fund a better lifestyle. But I don't think I could realistically expect her to pay me back for buying our house and I wouldn't want her to have that burden. I agree though that she should find another job if she can't stand her existing one. Frankly, I think we are too far apart on this and I do foresee a split at some point - but I just keep hoping she will become more reasonable.

samizdat

ema_o wrote: »

When we were deciding how to do this we made a list of what would be joint, and of what we would pay for out of our own money, eg clothes, haircuts, weekends away without the other, nights out etc.
This is working pretty well so far. I earn more, but I don't think it wouldn't be fair for me to have loads of spending money and him have very little.

This seems very reasonable. However, my wife claims, I think with some justification, that being a woman is just inherently more expensive than being a man. Women need to spend more on clothes, haircuts, cosmetics and so on, whereas men only spend more on beer and by eating more. Am I so under my wife's thumb that I have lost perspective or do others agree there is something in this?