Black Dog of Depression - can we help each other?

black_paw

sorry to hear of everyones bad news that comes out at these christmas times.i send mega hugs and chocolate for the needed ....some chocolate for me too...im not sure what to say as things effect people different ..but i try to forgot the past ..as you can't go back to change it unless your a time traveller ..and try to think of the way forward to make things better for me , even if it means not seeing friend of 20 years due to her putting down and horrid said things,just cause she now depressed doesnt mean have to pull me back down too..im trying to go forward with the little i have...

willa

SaucySecrets wrote: »

Hi...
I don't think I've ever posted in here before but I could do with some support...
I'll try and keep it as short as possible. I'm 19, and I can't cope with Christmas. I've always had huge problems with my family, my three sisters were taken into care but I was left.
My parents kicked me out in January last year, and I've been getting better since then. I live with my partner, but last night was the first night in a while that I've been on my own while he went home. I thought I'd be okay, and I'd arranged for my little sister to visit today.
I phoned this morning to see where she was, and my mum said dad put her on the train and I should be there, its arriving in two minutes. So I got dressed and ran the forty minute walk there, the train is already there but sister isn't. She's never caught a train before, let alone on her own, and is only 10, so I start to worry. I searched the carriages, and eventually some train staff helped too. By this point I'm hysterical, and phone my dad. He says he never took sister to the train station, he's at work and mum hadn't wanted sister to visit.

I apologized to the train staff and walked home, and phoned mum to see why she'd done that to me. She told me everyone would be better with me dead, and that I should do everyone a favour and die. She said she wished she'd taken more abortion pills because she doesnt want me, doesnt love me and its not fair that she's constantly reminded of her failing to get rid of me every Christmas and July.

I shouldn't be bothered by this anymore, I've heard it all before and everyone is aware of how she felt towards me. My health problems are down to how many pills she took while pregnant, but I always thought she would love me eventually. I don't get much contact with my sisters, but at least I know they are happy. I'm not, though. I hate Christmas because it brings it all out. I'll be at boyfriends, not on my own, because its his birthday. But I always wonder if they want me there, or if its just because I have no where else to go.

I phoned my doctor and told him, he told me to keep my chin up. Last time I saw him, about two weeks ago, I told him that I can't cope, but he won't take me seriously. I wrote him a letter a month ago, explaining exactly how low I feel, and that the highs I get in between don't feel normal. I've got a lot of relatives with bipolar, so I know what thats like, and I'm petrified of being sectioned.

I don't know what to do. It took all my effort to get out of bed and stop crying, and I haven't really stopped. I contacted the mental health team at uni recently, and the council funded department, but without GP recommendations they can't do anything. I'm excellent at hiding things, and maybe thats part of the problem, but surely people should see behind that? I've tried to stop, but with 18 years of pretending to have a normal family and a normal life, I'm good enough to even fool myself.

I want a family who love me, I want support and help and I want to be normal. Maybe she's right. I don't know what to do anymore but I don't want to be doing this.

SS, so sorry to hear you are going through all this. No wonder you feel so bad if this is how your mum has always been towards you. She sounds very dysfunctional.
You need to get to see a different GP! You are within your rights to do this, it's usually quite easy. Any problems try contacting PALS (patient advice and liaison service). Details should be on the net.
With your family history of bipolar and your own highs and lows, a GP should definitely be taking what you say seriously.
Unfortunately, I have found myself that if you appear normal when you see a GP, it's often very hard to be taken seriously no matter how severe your suffering and no matter what you say and how eloquently you say it.
Maybe write down some brief points about your mum, your bipolar family history, and your own mental health and take them to the next GP, explaining that you thought it best to write it down.
I first got diagnosed with depression after a lifetime of it, when I wrote it down as a 'poem' and that time I saw a fantastic woman GP who diagnosed me straight away and actually listened and helped me. And I had a friend with me too for support which really helped.
To be honest, I try to take someone with me to GP now when possible!
Good luck. xxx

crazy_girl

saucy secrets - im so sorry about what your mum said, ive had parent problems over the years including being made homeless and stuff so i know how i feels when the people who are supposed to love you regardless of whats wrong with you turn their backs on you (((big hugs)))

i also agree that you should maybe try a different GP x

HopeAndDriftWood

Thank you for the advice....Today didn't get any better, I tried to book tickets to go to my partners but the train station won't let me get them without having his debit card, which obviously he has, even though I have ID and he tells them its okay. The payments been taken too, which they'll refund, with a £10 surcharge for an £8 ticket.

I started crying and cant' stop, and now partner is saying I'm being stupid...

willa

Are you not on any medication at all then SS? Ever been on anti-depressants?

crazy_girl

i had another awful night last night, hubby ended up physically manhandling me up the stairs after i tried going out twice around midnight i got really upset and clammed up refusing to talk to him but eventually i got back in bed in a sort of truce

he said this morning that it was like i wasnt me and the odd thing is i cant for the life of me remember how i was feeling, just what i did

i feel utterly like carp today, i just dont want to go on

i shook on not trying to kill myself at least until the end of 09 with hubby so just christmas to drag myself through, one last 'do' with the family then.....free

absolutebounder

crazy_girl wrote: »

i also agree that you should maybe try a different GP x

From the sound of it, it is not SS who needs the doc so much as her mum

willa

Phew. It's !!!!!! isn't it, this Black Dog.
My one bit of humour about it is that my Hubby calls me mental on a regular basis (affectionately). And it (usually) makes me laugh. He is very supportive but haven't had that support for most of my life so really appreciate it.

willa

:grouphug: to crazy_girl.

That is the only hug icon I could find sorry! (looks a wee bit perverted to me :eek:)

crazy_girl

absolutebounder wrote: »

From the sound of it, it is not SS who needs the doc so much as her mum

why dont you just jump on every single thing i say when im already feeling uttery !!!!! eh?