Who owns a deceaseds ashes?

cody1988

My Dads girlfriend refuses to give us (his 4 children) his ashes. She says as he left everything to her she dosent have to give them to us and that he would want to be at home with her. We feel he should be put on my grandmas grave. Can we take her to court for his ashes?

brightonman123

let her be- i guess she doesnt want to give up her cherished(?) memories..

do you have something of your father's, that could be buried or 'cremated' on a bonfire instead - maybe a framed photo, (no glass), etc..?

if any will, see if father's wishes re ashed are mentioned. or ask if everyone can go to a 'scattering', and take turns in pouring.

she can then keep the urn.

ariba10

I would think that they belong to whoever paid for the funeral.

cody1988

She paid for the funeral but surely we must have some right to his ashes?

naturally_2

Sorry, no idea, but I would hazard a guess that they are probably hers if he left everything to him.

Please take comfort in the fact that it is at the end of the day only ashes - his spirit belongs in all of your hearts and he will be reunited with your grandmother now anyway x

Doozergirl

If it brings her comfort or she can't bear to be parted from them, then I think you should let her be for time being.

It took me about three years to bring myself to bury my mum's ashes. I just couldn't face it and wanted to find the right place, which I did, eventually. It's a beautiful woodland burial out in the countryside, very unlike your average cemetary.

I also remember it took my aunt quite a time to part with my grandmother's ashes, even to put her with my grandad. It must be part of letting go for many people; it will take some longer than others.

Perhaps one day you will be able to agree on somewhere that isn't her house or your grandmother's grave? She might feel uncomfortable with the idea of his ashes being with those of someone she perhaps didn't know. If she loved him then perhaps you take some comfort by knowing that his ashes are indeed being cared for.

cody1988

Sorry if this appears rude but we do not care about her feelings, we simply want our Fathers ashes to put them with Nan.

Nicki

cody1988 wrote: »

Sorry if this appears rude but we do not care about her feelings, we simply want our Fathers ashes to put them with Nan.

Sorry if this appears rude, but your father clearly cared very much for her feelings as he left his entire estate to her, and nothing to any of his 4 children. As they weren't married, he must have gone out of his way to do this.

He may have been your father but you don't have the monopoly on grief for his death. Back off and give his poor bereaved girlfriend time to come to terms with whats happened. However if you have treated her badly outside of in your grief, I wouldn't expect her to come rushing to accomodate you on the burial. As others have said, you may need to find another way to commemorate your father.

Becles

As you have just lost a father whom you loved, this lady has just lost the person she loved too. He must have loved her too, as he left everything to her.

Leave her be for a little while until the pain eases and then see if you can come up with an amicable solution.

You could consider splitting the ashes, so you can put your half with your Nan, and she can keep her own half to do with as she wishes?

We had a similar situation in our family where the second wife of my Uncle wanted to scatter his ashes at his favourite spot in the Lake District (he loved hiking and they went there often), but his children thought he should be placed on his parents grave. The wife kept the ashes and scattered them as she wished, and the children errected a rose bowl type decoration on his parents grave that simply says "in loving memory of ......" and the dates of his life. That was the most amicable solution.

glitterycloud

You are being very selfish in what you want you are not giving a thought to this lady who has lost her partner in life. She is probably grieving badly and can not bear the thought of not having his ashes around her.

Your father lived his life with her, as he left his entire estate to her she must have meant something to him. Can you not see it that she needs the ashes more than you do at the moment, you want him to be put with your nan where he will lie for eternity, why not give his girlfriend a few months to come to terms with what has happened.

Im afriad that if you push her you may never get your fathers ashes put where you want.

paddy's_mum

Did you argue over who-gets-what during his life as you are arguing over his death now?