are normal blokes romantic?

popularfurball

My OH doesn't believe in Valentines, and we don't buy each other stuff for anniversaries (I'll do a nice meal for us but no presents)... He hasn't ever given me flowers or randomly givene me chocolates (had them for xmas etc) however....

When I'm poorly he'll will insist on getting a hot water bottle, or getting me meds etc to make me comfy.... He knows I love the way he looks at me when I fall asleep (i've caught him when I've woken up gazing at my face) so is doing that loads... He insists on carrying heavy things for me... or getting things from up high... I have a problem with people being sick, so he is fiercly protective of me over that...

So despite being annoyed by not avidly wanting to do dishes, or help with cooking, and always having to do this in his time, not t my time schedule... I love him to bits, because all the other silly little "i care" things make the difference XD

I hope you guys can work it out - especially for your child - how about if he does do something nice you really make it known you like it - clear feedback works well hehe

consultant31

maggirl wrote: »

Thanks, that gives me a lot to think about. I have grown rather bitter over the last 12 months; I suppose I have just had a bit of a lightbulb moment that he is never going to change really, and then, is it fair for me to expect him to change if that is his nature.

I think it was Christmas day that really made me think, at the time I remember thinking I am NEVER going to do this again, and now it is nearly a year gone by!! Im not really "into" Christmas, I do think it is overrated and a bit of an anticlimax, but it really upset me to see how little he cared about making an effort for just one day. I dont think it even occurrred to him that he was doing anythign "wrong" we obviously just have different views on it. I dont go in for big gestures either, I wouldnt want him to shower me with presents all the time but small gestures would be nice.

Why did he marry me? I dunno. He said he loved me. It wasnt for my money anyway!! He probably does love me in his own way. When my dad died he was "there", ie around, but as usual I just had to get on with things, I had a small child and a full time job, I dont recall him giving me any affection or cuddles, but then I knew not to ask for any from him. I was more shocked by his lack of reaction when a close family member of HIS died recently...I put his lack of emotion down to shock but now Im not so sure.

I was young when I got married, I didnt really think too deeply about our relationship, we were happy, we had similar interests, I thought we were best of friends (which we were) I did love him, even in spite of his faults, I could tolerate it then, but as he gets older he gets worse, and I get less tolerant I suppose, especially now we have kids.

Thanks for giving me something to think about.

As I've read each of your posts, I've thought "this could be me and my husband". OH is exactly like yours, but then he always has been. I knew exactly what I was getting when we got married. We love each other but never say so.........it's just there, in the way we can still make each other laugh etc, no words necessary!

Reading between the lines, I suspect you are not a 'needy' woman - you say that you don't do grand gestures etc, but some men really like a woman to be a little needy now and then, so they can do the 'protective, manly thing' :rolleyes:

It looks to me as though it's you that's changed rather than him and he must be wondering what he's suddenly doing wrong. In my case, if I expect something of my hubby, I tell him - he (along with most other men) is no mind reader and doesn't do 'thoughtful' very well. It doesn't mean he wouldn't throw himself under a bus to save me or the children, but, day to day, he's just...........him

Show him this thread, ask him if he realises how unhappy he's making you and give him a chance to show you how much he really cares even if he can't show it. I blame my OHs lack of emotion on the way his Mum and Dad brought him up - few cuddles or kisses, work always came first for them.

Hope things work out for you. Me, well I wouldn't swap mine for anything

triage999

Do you know after reading your post I could not believe how much your story was identical to mine, infact they could be the same bloke!

Anyway.....to cut a long story short I left my husband back in July, I have two children aged 16 and 9 and I am doing ok, I have managed to keep hold of my job and my house, keeping up the mortgage payments etc.

What made me make my decision? the thought of living in a loveless relationship for the next 40 odd years! I need affection, look what happens to plants and children if you don't give them attention! they don't develop, wither and die!

Anyway, I am finding being single in my 30's very weird, I am sure I will get used to it but it will take time!

Good luck with whatever decision you make

Jo xx

kitschkitty

romance is great, but not all men are very romantic (mine isn't) but the most important things are caring for/about each other and sharing the same values.

Reading your original post your comment about the Christmas gift opening situation really struck me.

It really sounded like you felt that he had ignored something that you felt was an important family tradition, caring about you and your daughters feelings and sharing in the gift opening as part of a valued family tradition.

kelz85

well OH and I are like everyone else in that we have our ups and downs but I never doubt that he loves me. He occasionally buys flowers, always does birthdays and christmases, but the one thing i can 100% count on, is that we are together on our family life. We arrange days out with the kids every sunday and he gets even more excited that the kids on xmas morning! He actually wants to wake them up at 5am cos he cant sleep!

seven-day-weekend

maggirl wrote: »

Thanks, that gives me a lot to think about. I have grown rather bitter over the last 12 months; I suppose I have just had a bit of a lightbulb moment that he is never going to change really, and then, is it fair for me to expect him to change if that is his nature.

I think it was Christmas day that really made me think, at the time I remember thinking I am NEVER going to do this again, and now it is nearly a year gone by!! Im not really "into" Christmas, I do think it is overrated and a bit of an anticlimax, but it really upset me to see how little he cared about making an effort for just one day. I dont think it even occurrred to him that he was doing anythign "wrong" we obviously just have different views on it. I dont go in for big gestures either, I wouldnt want him to shower me with presents all the time but small gestures would be nice.

Why did he marry me? I dunno. He said he loved me. It wasnt for my money anyway!! He probably does love me in his own way. When my dad died he was "there", ie around, but as usual I just had to get on with things, I had a small child and a full time job, I dont recall him giving me any affection or cuddles, but then I knew not to ask for any from him. I was more shocked by his lack of reaction when a close family member of HIS died recently...I put his lack of emotion down to shock but now Im not so sure.

I was young when I got married, I didnt really think too deeply about our relationship, we were happy, we had similar interests, I thought we were best of friends (which we were) I did love him, even in spite of his faults, I could tolerate it then, but as he gets older he gets worse, and I get less tolerant I suppose, especially now we have kids.

Thanks for giving me something to think about.

Do you think he might be on the Autistic Spectrum? I'm thinking particularly of Aspergers Syndrome. Many people (not all) who have this condition do not show appropriate emotion and reactions.

There are some comments about being married to a person with AS towards the end of this link.

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?a=3351&d=126

maggirl

My goodness, that does sound like him!!!

I was also thinking that he might be slightly bi polar, as it runs in the family I think (on his mums side)

But there is no way I would dare to suggest this to him!!

I think you are ight, that it is me that has changed, not him, and im just not prepared to put up with it anymore.....

GemmaB78

maggirl wrote: »

I was also thinking that he might be slightly bi polar, as it runs in the family I think (on his mums side)

My OH is bipolar, as are some members of his family, and my experience is that those who suffer from bi-polar tend to be over-, rather than under-emotional.

Lunar_Eclipse

maggirl wrote: »

I dont recall him giving me any affection or cuddles, but then I knew not to ask for any from him.

I think both halves of that sentence are very sad, especially given the circumstances.

I hope you both work it out.

mambury

God, you could be married to my husband. Although I will say he will do anything for the kids, just not me.
We had a big discussion tonight and the minute I bring up separation ....'oh,m here we go again.......taking the kids from me......I'm not leaving..'etc etc.
We've been together for 15 years (since I was 16), married for ten and since my son was born (he's 4 1/2) hes been worse. I even said to him on Sat morning laying in bed that he doesn't cuddle up to me in bed anymore, and his reply was 'well you don;t either'.
I am sitting downstairs almost in tears typing this while he is up stairs. I really can;t carry on like this anymore. I need affection that I am not getting. I've even started taking my frustration out on the kids.
My other problem is that I have nowhere to go to, no family and I can;t get friends invloved as its not fair on them to be stuck in the middle.

Oh, bloody hell why can't life be like in the films...............