are normal blokes romantic?

poorly_scammo

I notice you said that's he's always been like this. When I read that bit the question which sprang to mind was, 'why did he marry you then?' Does he love you? Does he love anything?

I don't think this is a question of romance. This is a question of sharing your life with someone. Dealing with everything that life throws at you, together. He doesn't seem much of a partner, more of a dead weight. What would happen if someone close to you died? Would he be there for you? Your issue doesn't seem to me to be about how unromantic he is. Your issue is whether he loves you or not and whether you love him enough to stay.

If the answers are in the negative then leave. Life's too short imo.

Hectors_House

My OH isn't romantic in the sense of sending flowers to my workplace for Valentines Day, but he does know the day means something to me so gets me a card.

We used to hold hands like a pair of teenagers when we first got together but don't do that so much now, but we are still physically affectionate with each other - especially if I'm nagging him about something when he grabs me and gives me a big hug.

We remember each others birthdays. He's not a big earner but then I don't expect much.

He knows I like books about spooks and I'll often get home to a book he's come across in his travels. The same way I guess some guys buy their wife/girlfriend some flowers for not particular reason.

He does have his male bad points like cleaning the ferret's hammocks in the kitchen sink whilst it's got our dishes in there but I just clean up after him.

Not every relationship is going to be the same. Couples settle down to what suits each other and not all folk are comfortable with affection.

I would be worried though if we had children (we don't - 7 ferrets are enough!) and he didn't spend any time with them and didn't show interest in buying them presents. And, personally, I wouldn't be happy if my birthday was missed...unless money was tight of course.

I think you guys may have just gone a little astray on what you want/expect from each other. As you say he does make comments about the way you behave towards him so maybe he would like more affection but has trouble asking?

Counceling might not be a bad idea as others have suggested.

I hope you work things out.

maggirl

Thanks, that gives me a lot to think about. I have grown rather bitter over the last 12 months; I suppose I have just had a bit of a lightbulb moment that he is never going to change really, and then, is it fair for me to expect him to change if that is his nature.

I think it was Christmas day that really made me think, at the time I remember thinking I am NEVER going to do this again, and now it is nearly a year gone by!! Im not really "into" Christmas, I do think it is overrated and a bit of an anticlimax, but it really upset me to see how little he cared about making an effort for just one day. I dont think it even occurrred to him that he was doing anythign "wrong" we obviously just have different views on it. I dont go in for big gestures either, I wouldnt want him to shower me with presents all the time but small gestures would be nice.

Why did he marry me? I dunno. He said he loved me. It wasnt for my money anyway!! He probably does love me in his own way. When my dad died he was "there", ie around, but as usual I just had to get on with things, I had a small child and a full time job, I dont recall him giving me any affection or cuddles, but then I knew not to ask for any from him. I was more shocked by his lack of reaction when a close family member of HIS died recently...I put his lack of emotion down to shock but now Im not so sure.

I was young when I got married, I didnt really think too deeply about our relationship, we were happy, we had similar interests, I thought we were best of friends (which we were) I did love him, even in spite of his faults, I could tolerate it then, but as he gets older he gets worse, and I get less tolerant I suppose, especially now we have kids.

Thanks for giving me something to think about.

skintchick

Maggirl
I've had another thought. My dad is emotionally constipated - he too sees no point in presents or offering emotional support. But he does love us very much.

Maybe your husband is like my dad?

Oldernotwiser

I don't think that "romantic" comes into it; he just seems thoughtless and uncaring to me!

belfastgirl23

A lot of the things you're identifying don't sound too far outside normal to me really. I do think marrying you does suggest that he cares about you in his own way, as does having a child. He doesn't seem to me like the kind of a man you can have a big heart to heart with to be honest (and I have one of those myself so I know what I'm talking about!). But I do find if I can be very practical about what I need he does kind of do it, albeit in his own way. Does this describe your DH?

It is a really hard question in a way, I've been mulling all afternoon. I guess for a lot of people romance is really thinking hard about someone else and what they would want and then surprising them with it. And a lot of men are not good at this.

Is there good stuff in the relationship now? It is easy to see the negatives sometimes in a longer term relationship and sometimes you have to discipline yourself to start seeing the positives. Can you look at your previous email and write the flip side if there is one? Just as an exercise it might help you?? It doesn't sound to me like you're anyway close to giving up on your marriage so what you need to figure out is how to fix it, or at least make it a bit better...

sandra_nz

poorly_scammo wrote: »

I notice you said that's he's always been like this. When I read that bit the question which sprang to mind was, 'why did he marry you then?' Does he love you? Does he love anything?

The question that springs to my mind is rather 'why did you marry him?'! It sounds like he was this way before you were married, did you expect him to change when you got married?

I can't fathom being with someone who didn't want to spend Christmas morning watching our child open presents!

DKLS

Not sure if I am a normal bloke or not, but heres my take:
I personally try to do something romantic every day, whether its:
Telling her I love her
Leaving daft notes in the fridge, in her handbag, in the biscuit tin etc
Running a bath with lots of bubbles, candles and a G&T (And not expecting a shag afterwards)
Foot Rubs
Shoulder Massages
Head & Neck massages (I went on an Indian Head massage course - Major brownie points gained with that one)
Surpise Gifts, could be a bar of chocolate, doesnt have to be expensive.
Reminding her how clever she is and how proud she makes me feel.
Long sloppy snogs etc
Extra special effort made for B'day as it falls a few days after Xmas day.

The OPs man should watch out, one day he may wake and found he has lost his love.

arthur_dent_2

I thought that I had married the worlds most unromantic man, however I was learly wrong. The birthdays and anniversaries thing is all perfectly normal, it just does not occur to them what day of the week it is let alone which specific day. Christmas however is different and the fact that he makes no effort at all is terrible. If he really does do nothing for you, you may have to ask yourself if he relly wants you and your daughter or whether or not you are just conveniant,

swiss69

Most men are not very romantic. There are exceptions and some men will make an effort even if it doesnt come naturally but yours sounds like he has no feelings at all! The xmas thing last year is just weird. People who have no or little feeling or emotion have usually got some deep rooted problem that has made them that way.

It is a two way street though isnt it. How many women on here can honestly say that they still make an effort with their men - ie Not slobbing around in pj's/tracksuits, not bothering with how they look, always putting kids first whatever the situation etc...Why do you think men ogle other girls when they are out with their mates - These girls are done up to the nines and they have forgotten what thats like!

If you want to keep a man attentive you need to keep him on his toes. We like the chase and like to think that our partners are attractive to others as it stirs up our competitive spirit and you will soon notice a difference....Unless your partner is a possesive lunatic that is who flies of the handle if you make an effort cos he thinks you are having an affair!

In your case though i think he may have deeper issues