are normal blokes romantic?

maggirl

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with my husband recently, and I wanted to get a “feel” for what a “normal” average nice bloke was like. One of the accusations thrown back at me whenever I argue with my husband is that I expect too much of him. The problem is, I don’t know if this is true or not. I don’t really know any other couples to compare us to. All I know is that I am not happy with the way he behaves towards me, but he just says I am not perfect either. He says I don’t appreciate him and that I am always critical of him. He also says I always worry about money too much (we are in a financial mess) I don’t want to get into a slanging match with him. But when I was thinking about all the years we have been together some things have stuck out that I now don’t think are normal: I am beginning to realise he is quite cold hearted and unemotional.

For a start, and this seems to be bugging me more as I get older, he never actually asked me to marry him, we had been living together for a few years and he would have been content to just live together forever, but when I wanted to have a child and being an old fashioned Girl, I would rather be married, I basically had to cajole him to go abroad to get married, he never wanted a big family wedding (secretly I would have quite liked a modest church wedding if he'd been agreeable) it wasn’t that he didn’t want to get married per se, it was more like he couldn’t be bothered with the hassle. Same with having children; he wasn’t against the idea, but I could always tell he was indifferent either way, If I had said I never want children I don’t think he would have been too bothered.

He treats his family the same, he never bothers about his mums birthday, even her 60th he couldn’t be bothered, even thought his family were trying to arrange a nice family meal out, he never sends cards to his brother and sisters, and I have to do all the card sending and also organise presents for the nieces/nephews for birthdays and Christmas.

He never ever has been bothered about celebrating our anniversary. I heard 2 blokes in my office the other day, talking about buying their wives flowers for their anniversaries and thought “is that what normal blokes do??!!”We don’t buy birthday presents for each other.

Over the years I have started to behave the same way to him, I have given up trying to be afectionate or romantic, so I guess this is where he is getting the “you are just as bad as me” from…

I wouldn’t want a bloke that was too over the top anyway, I am a very practical down to earth person. I know other members of my family who don’t go in for anniversaries or birthdays in a big way, but they have other ways of showing they care about each other.

Last Christmas was awful; he was tired and had a hangover and couldnt even be bothered getting up to watch our little girl opening her pressies, this was the final straw for me, maybe I was overreacting but I just ended up going out for a walk on my own once he had got up. I remember it was a surreal feeling for me sitting in a deserted park on a sunny Christmas day, thinking about all the other "happy" families together opening their presents and having a fun time. When I got back to the house he didnt even ask where I'd been, I'd only been gone half an hour or so but he didnt seem to care, he was already feet up on the sofa, watching his favourite film.

But what is “normal”??? Am I expecting too much??

skintchick

Honestly? You both sound like you've given up on each other. You don;t buy each other birthday presents? Why not?
I'd suggest some counselling so you can work out what brought you together in the first place.

I expect flowers occasionally, and gifts on specil days, but I've had to train OH into this.

Now, he sometimes gets me flowers 'just because' which is lovely.

I also get him little presents, and we always tell each other we appreciate each other.

You both need to make an effort but some men need telling what you want.

maggirl

I admit I have given up but this is after years of me trying and trying to get him to be a bit more emotional and romantic. Its his brithday next week, I was planning on getting him a small present but I know for a fact if I do, he will just look at it and go hmm.... yes thanks....the only thing he would appreciate is something expensive. Last year I tried to think what he would really like, and got him a nice retro football t shirt from his fave team for his birthday and it just sat still in the wrapping paper for weeks...he has never worn it, and whatever I buy him he doesnt like, whereas he KNOWS I would just be happy with a bx of chocs or some flowers, but he can't be bothered.

skintchick

You really need to sit him down and talk to him about how this all makes you feel, and what you think you could do to make it better. Communication is the key to any relationship.

Did he ever buy presents? Or appreciate yours? If so why has this changed?

All I can suggest is talking to him.

daphne_descends

How sad for you Christmas day would have been the last straw for me in your shoes

beckseven

I think that 'normal blokes' are romantic. Me and my OH have our ups and downs but we always make a fuss of each other on our birthdays, wedding anniversary and valentines day. We are not loaded and this Christmas we have said no presents for each other but I think that when you have kids Christmas is for them anyway. However, it is nice to be made to feel special from time to time-it doesn't have to be over the top but we tend either treat each other to a meal or if it is our wedding anniversary we make a special meal for each other and maybe share a bottle of champagne. I do find the fact that your OH didn't bother to get up on Christmas day to see your DD open her presents a bit strange-we both can't wait to see DS open his present's this year and I don't think enjoying that is a girlie thing at all. I work with a lot of men and none of them with kids ever want to work the christmas morning shift because they don't want to miss the kids opening their presents. As skintchick says-you really need to talk. Hope all goes well for you.

belfastgirl23

Just to put another point of view, this man has got married and had kids with you even though he didn't particularly want to do either. I can see he isn't exactly living up to your expectations but then again he didn't make any false promises either did he?

So I don't think the question is whether other blokes are romantic, you know the answer to that already which is that some are and some aren't. I guess the real question is whether you are prepared to accept him as he is or not.

Personally I'd advise figuring out what are really big issues (and I do think the Xmas morning one is a biggie) and what are less important (I would put the flowers and birthday issues here personally but everyone has different lines) and ask him really clearly for whatever it is you want him to do. Don't make it a big 'you never' type discussion, just focus on one thing at a time and tell him directly what it is you want. And have clear and practical arguments for it, eg that you want your daughter to remember opening presents with daddy etc.

Finally have a think and see, it's very easy to list all the things that someone does wrong. Is it really all bad? My DH would never ever bring me flowers or chocs but he does do little things like bring the car to the door if it's raining. If asked he will make me tea in bed or whatever, but he does need asked. There is romance in the little gestures too!

galvanizersbaby

It does sound as though you are both taking each other for granted somewhat - I would agree with others that you need to sit down and discuss what you want and need from each other else I fear from my own experience in this past this may fester away until it's too late

Whilst it's true some people are more romantic than others you give the impression that your OH can't be bothered/ is indifferent and has to be pressured in to things which can't make you feel very special and important to him

Personally I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like this again but I do think you should try and communicate how your feeling to him.

I hope things get better for you x

ameliarate

My OH isn't very romantic - he was right at the beginning but once we started living together!!! He has never asked me to marry him, but then I have never asked him eitherm however he does now and again (once in a blue moon) do little things like puttings little notes in my lunch box

If he has always been like this it is a bit much for you to ask him to change. The thing is that you have probably changed, especially since having a child. Certainly it seems from what you are saying that he is a bit unreasonable (Christmas) but as I say if he has always been like this? If he's anything like mine he will refuse to go to counselling.

I have come to accept certian things about my OH that I know will not change and sometimes we have to do that. You can of course try and talk to him calmly and tell him how you feel and see if he is willing to make the effort, but if he is the same way with his family then you might not get very far.

lizziebell*80

MY poor DH would like to be more romantic but I am in charge of all the finances so this makes it hard for him to just get me something if he wanted. He wanted to get me a birthday present, but due to the money situation (we are paying off big credit card before new year as going on holiday and will fill another one up- so things are a bit tight for the foreseable future) he gave me some money that his nan had given him for passing an exam recently which was really sweet as he didn't want to get something I wouldn't like. So given the chance he would get flowers for me etc.

But like Belfastgirl says, it would even be nice to have the odd small gesture from him e.g. doing the dishes without being asked or cooking tea which is what mine does quite often (these are free ).

Sounds like you need to get the communication going again and yes he doesn't make an effort with his family but that isn't necessarily how he should be treating you. Initially I assume he did make some sort of effort with you and your relationship which meant that you wanted to stay with him forever?

richardw

You say he can't bothered about many things, but what can he be bothered about?