Just how normal IS this revolting teenage mess?

amandada

Steph998 wrote: »

Not disputed! But he is newly 18, living in a flat he didn't ask for (so I and my OH could keep our marriage together,) tryingto study towards a Masters, and he has years and years of real life and mortages and stress and the rest ahead of him. I'm not trying to shield him from it...but I love him, I'm his mother, and I don't like to see him living like this.

I probably should not have opened this can of worms again...lots of people here have not read the previous thread, so I am having to repeat myself to defend myself. That's not why I posted. I don't want to be vilified for providing an alternative 'home' for my son at 17 because his step father can't stand the sight of him. I simply wondered if other mothers would clean for their kids in the same situation.

I made a point of skimming through your other thread before I posted, and all I can say is I really feel for you-you must feel like you're being pulled in 2 opposite directions.
You're doing a fab job, and for all the right reasons, but with the cleaning thing, try not to let the mum guilt get too much in the way!

debsthe1

I suppose you could hand the running of the flat etc to a lettings agency for the maintenance side of things and let them deal with his untidiness(!?!)

It would make things less personal and more professional.

Mutter_2

Steph998 wrote: »

Sigh. So it's back to the weekly visits to clean up for him then. It won't make the slightest bit of difference to him (apart from being able to find his underwear again) but at least I will sleep at night.

Would the other mothers who know where I am coming from do the same?

Don't know about where you are coming from but a definate NO.

I'd leave him be in all respects, unless he asks for help. If you want to contact him, send a text not talk. You'd probably interrupt the game station session.:rotfl:
This is self torture on your part. Why not make some of those wonderful dough models to distract yourself.

ETA For those who haven't seen them, Steph used to make wonderful dough models. They can be seen on the special occasions thread.

Rikki

Steph998 wrote: »

Not disputed! But he is newly 18, living in a flat he didn't ask for (so I and my OH could keep our marriage together,) tryingto study towards a Masters, and he has years and years of real life and mortages and stress and the rest ahead of him. I'm not trying to shield him from it...but I love him, I'm his mother, and I don't like to see him living like this.

I probably should not have opened this can of worms again...lots of people here have not read the previous thread, so I am having to repeat myself to defend myself. That's not why I posted. I don't want to be vilified for providing an alternative 'home' for my son at 17 because his step father can't stand the sight of him. I simply wondered if other mothers would clean for their kids in the same situation.

For me its no.

Its easy for me to say. When I visit my student son his mess is his mess and he has to deal with it. I'd like to think the coffee cup I drink out of is clean but the rest is up to the three students living there.

Easy because its not my house they are living in and if its left dirty its his deposit at stake.


You have to detach your parent mind and treat this as a business arrangement. Have a set of house rules that have to be adhered to. He has to know that although he is your son and its your house he isn't allowed to treat it like a tip.

A problem you've got is he knows you won't kick him out and he is taking advantage, not deliberately just because he knows there is no where to go and you won't kick him out.

Maybe you should have let him stay in halls for the first year. Given him the chance to learn to fend for himself before he moved into his own four walls.

Errata

Steph, I posted on your previous thread. Looking at things afresh I think you have to decide which role you occupy in relation to the flat - landlord or mother.

Landlords need to butt out and sort out any cleaning at the end of the tenancy. They also need to give notice to the tenant if they wish to visit the property.

Mothers do what mothers do - some more, some less. Some are horrified by their offspring's domestic ability, some not.

I guess what I'm trying really hard to point out is that you're not behaving like his landlord when you're reacting like his mum and everyone is confused.
If you going to get on his case as his landlord every time you see him as his mum because the place is a tip neither of you are going to be happy.

You're faced with a difficult situation and only you can decide which is most important to you. An investment property which is kept clean or a relaxed and friendly relationship with your son.

foxxymynx

If they're not putting the rubbish out it may be damaging the property (if it's leaking like you said) other than that the LL can't do anything until after they move out. However ike you said it isn't a normal let. How about coming to a compromise?

Mother: "this place is disgusting!"
Landlord/Mother: "how about either paying some rent or paying for a cleaner, if you can't be bothered to do it yourself?"

That way he'll learn that there are some consequences that hit him, if he doesn't look after the place. Tell him that it's only free for him to rent if it's kept clean and relitavely tidy. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't have to be immaculate - far from it, but that way you're teaching him and giving him a choice about what he wants to do about it.

Steph998

Thanks.

I bet you're all sick of the sight of me and my darling son on this forum

Even I feel like shouting at myself.

OH has announced he is going round there tonight again as he was so gobsmacked at the mess. He is brilliant at all the things some of the posters here think I should be good at....:rotfl:looking stern, shouting and waving a stick about demanding action...in fact, he probably will write a serious letter! He's good at those.

I think I will just let him get on with it! Didn't even enter my head as a an option earlier, as he usually shows little or no interest in his step son. Maybe the thought of his investment getting ruined will stir him into action.

Glad I am washing my hair tonight......:D

Errata

looking stern, shouting and waving a stick about demanding action

Which hat will he have on - landlord or stepdad ? If landlord he can't do a tenant visit without giving notice, if stepdad he's demonstrating he values his property more than he values his stepson.
I'm sure I sound harsh, but you're all confused about your roles in each other's lives and things could easily become much worse if this doesn't get clarified and cleared up.

Mutter_2

Errata, you give such wonderful advice not only here, but elsewhere too.:A

foxxymynx

Errata wrote: »

Which hat will he have on - landlord or stepdad ? If landlord he can't do a tenant visit without giving notice, if stepdad he's demonstrating he values his property more than he values his stepson.
I'm sure I sound harsh, but you're all confused about your roles in each other's lives and things could easily become much worse if this doesn't get clarified and cleared up.

gotta agree it's a tricky one.

If he only says stuff to stepson, and does it in a nice manner "look, I'm worried about you here, you're gonna get ill, this place stinks, bring a potentiol girlfriend here and she'll run a mile! I've paid aot of money so that you can live here, at least make the effort to keep it reasonable? What about getting a cleaner if you can't be bothered?"

Granted he could turn around and play petty little step son "grr, what do you care, you're not my real dad"

but if he plays the loving, caring step dad first