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Leaving my husband

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  • Not just men, believe me there are plenty blokes with similar tales. Doesn't make it right, but at least it means we can sympathise.

    JP

    Yes we can
    :j rolo-polo1965 :j
  • I could do with some advice. I have 3 children living at home, none of us are happy, my husband has become more and more verbally abusive. He belittles the children all the time calling them names. When my son failed his AS exams \(his best friend died of cancer) he went belistic calling him names. When my eldest daughter lived at home he told her he wished she had died instead of his mother.
    I have found a house that the children and i could rent but not sure if i am doing the right thing.
    We have a mortgage in both names, joint bank accounts, joint credit cards etc.
    I am after some advise, he says that there is no way he is leaving the family home, as he has put so much money and effort into it, but then so have i

    My priority is my childen, i want them to be safe and happy, at the moment i feel that they are not.



    I wonder who it was that thought marriage was a good idea huh.

    I mean, of course it can be a good and wonderful thing - if you are my parents for example - (still holding shaky hands on the couch at 80 odd, bless) and a lukewarm marriage is sad, although it usually just meanders on. But a bad marriage must be the the loneliest, most hopeless thing in the world. I mean, the situation never flipping goes away. You never get a break. You're living it.

    I feel so sorry for you. Living in a house with someone you detest is horrendous, I know from my first marriage. This situation will just grind away at you, and constant stress and worry is an invisible weapon. One day this invisible weapon will whap you over the back of the head and you will find it hard to get up again, or muster any strength to do what you know is right. You have that strength now.

    Please don't put anything before your safety and the safety and happiness of your children. If I were you, I would tell your husband enough is enough, and you want out. If he has the slightest shred of respect for you, he will know things have come to an end, and agree to an amicable divorce, and split everything. You have both worked hard for what you have got. Tell him you want the house sold as soon as possible, and the proceeds split. Then you can get a mortgage on your own. If you go to a lawyer and mental cruelty is brought into the situation, you could try for a court order to get him out, but then there is all the problem of him being really angry and things getting worse.

    I really hope you make some decisions soon and get the help you need.
    Good luck
    x
    Life.
    'A journey to be enjoyed...not a struggle to be endured.'

    Bring it on! :j
  • Steph998 wrote: »
    I wonder who it was that thought marriage was a good idea huh.

    I mean, it of course it can be a good and wonderful thing - if you are my parents for example - (still holding shaky hands on the couch at 80 odd, bless) and a lukewarm marriage is sad, although it usually just meanders on. But a bad marriage must be the the loneliest, most hopeless thing in the world. I mean, the situation never flipping goes away. You never get a break. You're living it.

    I feel so sorry for you. Living in a house with someone you detest is horrendous, I know from my first marriage. This situation will just grind away at you, and constant stress and worry is an invisible weapon. One day this invisible weapon will whap you over the back of the head and you will find it hard to get up again, or muster any strength to do what you know is right. You have that strength now.

    Please don't put anything before your safety and the safety and happiness of your children. If I were you, I would tell your husband enough is enough, and you want out. If he has the slightest shred of respect for you, he will know things have come to an end, and agree to an amicable divorce, and split everything. You have both worked hard for what you have got. Tell him you want the house sold as soon as possible, and the proceeds split. Then you can get a mortgage on your own. If you go to a lawyer and mental cruelty is brought into the situation, you could try for a court order to get him out, but then there is all the problem of him being really angry and things getting worse.

    I really hope you make some decisions soon and get the help you need.
    Good luck
    x


    I really cant believe the love i have been feeling since i posted on this site. I feel so much more peacefull in myself.

    I have found us a house to move into, i get the keys next tuesday so then we can start moving out.

    We are going to do a bit at a time so he doesnt relise, then on the last day i shall hire a van to move the furniture from the kids bedroom, i shall leave him our bedroom furniture, longe furniture etc, then one day when he comes home we will not be here just a letter from me saying we are gone. Telling him he will hear from my soliciter shortly. I know this sounds harsh but i know he will re-act with violence and i want us all to be away from here

    The kids will still see him if they want to but i will not, i have had enough now. I feel i am strong enough to leave and sort things out once and for all.

    Thanks for your support

    It is good being able to express my feelings on here as i have no one i feel i can talk to as i do not want it to get back to my husband untill we are gone
    :j rolo-polo1965 :j
  • Mutter_2
    Mutter_2 Posts: 1,307 Forumite
    Hi rolo, did you manage to speak with womens aid? Abuse isn't only physical you know.
    I can't help feeling that it's he who should be leaving, not you. I beg you, see a solicitor asap. Stress that you need an urgent appointment. Please don't leave until you've had legal advice.
    Remember also, he could clear out the joint bank accounts, or you could.

    As IamJen said, make sure someone knows what is planned for Tuesday, maybe the Finance Manager from work.

    It's taken 23 yrs to get to this, make sure you get it right, that's why you need the advice.
  • Mutter wrote: »
    Hi rolo, did you manage to speak with womens aid? Abuse isn't only physical you know.
    I can't help feeling that it's he who should be leaving, not you. I beg you, see a solicitor asap. Stress that you need an urgent appointment. Please don't leave until you've had legal advice.
    Remember also, he could clear out the joint bank accounts, or you could.

    As IamJen said, make sure someone knows what is planned for Tuesday, maybe the Finance Manager from work.

    It's taken 23 yrs to get to this, make sure you get it right, that's why you need the advice.

    I have an appointment with CAB tomorrow so hopefully i should know a bit more by the end of tomorrow, i have this evening asked him to go he says no way in not such a polite way. He says he has as much right to the house as i have and he isn't going any where.

    I am not worried for me but for my kids as they should not be having to go through this it's not fair.

    At this time of the month the joint bank account is empty until we get paid so there is no worries there, if there is any money in it when we move it wont be in there once we have left.

    I just want to thank everyone for their advice
    :j rolo-polo1965 :j
  • Hi Rollo,

    I felt compelled to reply after I saw your post. Your post is harrowing, it made me sick in the stomach just reading it. Noone should endure living in that kind of atmosphere, especially your poor, innocent children.
    But it is a very difficult situation, and it looks to me that your husband seems to be very unhappy, frustrated person, who takes it out on the closest to him (which is often the case, you by no means are alone out there).

    Some people have already offered some good advice. I would like to add, is it possible to convince him to attend the marriage councelling with you? I know of couples for whom this worked has worked, as it uncovered the causes of abusive behaviour and made people want to change it.

    If that is not an option (because he refuses to go, I assume), I would move out, if you can afford it financially. There is no price for piece and harmony around you, it is not healthy to be in the environment in which you are now. Do you have any close relatives with whom you can move in temporarilly, so that you don't have to take the first thing that comes up?

    Also, your moving out may be a wake-up call for your husband. If he is very frustrated in himself, he may not even realise how difficult he is to you and the kids. Perhaps when you move out (and stay out for a while), he might realise 1. How much he needs you 2. that he was a very difficult person

    I know this is easier said than done, especially as you have 3 kids to uproot, but sometimes things have to be done in this rather abrupt way. Otherwise, I really don't believe that he will change overnight, I don't want to scare you even more, but he might get worse.

    Whatever you decide to do, best of luck, I am sure that there are many people here who will be offering some useful advice.
  • Hi Rollo,

    I felt compelled to reply after I saw your post. Your post is harrowing, it made me sick in the stomach just reading it. Noone should endure living in that kind of atmosphere, especially your poor, innocent children.
    But it is a very difficult situation, and it looks to me that your husband seems to be very unhappy, frustrated person, who takes it out on the closest to him (which is often the case, you by no means are alone out there).

    Some people have already offered some good advice. I would like to add, is it possible to convince him to attend the marriage councelling with you? I know of couples for whom this worked has worked, as it uncovered the causes of abusive behaviour and made people want to change it.

    If that is not an option (because he refuses to go, I assume), I would move out, if you can afford it financially. There is no price for piece and harmony around you, it is not healthy to be in the environment in which you are now. Do you have any close relatives with whom you can move in temporarilly, so that you don't have to take the first thing that comes up?

    Also, your moving out may be a wake-up call for your husband. If he is very frustrated in himself, he may not even realise how difficult he is to you and the kids. Perhaps when you move out (and stay out for a while), he might realise 1. How much he needs you 2. that he was a very difficult person

    I know this is easier said than done, especially as you have 3 kids to uproot, but sometimes things have to be done in this rather abrupt way. Otherwise, I really don't believe that he will change overnight, I don't want to scare you even more, but he might get worse.

    Whatever you decide to do, best of luck, I am sure that there are many people here who will be offering some useful advice.


    Thanks

    I tried to get him to come to marriage counceling with me but he refuses to come he says we do not have a problem!

    I am getting a set of kes to a rented house so we will be moving next week, so i know we will be safe then. I have been looking for somewhere for us for the past month, this house is very nice and reasonably priced.

    I just want to thank you for your advice.
    :j rolo-polo1965 :j
  • i havent got much to add that hasnt already been said, but i just want to say well done for having the strength to do this, and i really hope everything goes to plan for you and your children. you are sounding very strong (although i know its very easy to come across as this through a computer)

    people being mentally/emotionally abusive is every bit as bad as being physically abusive as you know and you should feel very proud for doing this for you all x
  • i havent got much to add that hasnt already been said, but i just want to say well done for having the strength to do this, and i really hope everything goes to plan for you and your children. you are sounding very strong (although i know its very easy to come across as this through a computer)

    people being mentally/emotionally abusive is every bit as bad as being physically abusive as you know and you should feel very proud for doing this for you all x

    I am trying to be strong for the childrens sake even though i do not feel it.

    I am finding a lot of strength by wring and reading on this site it has helped a lot.

    Thanks
    :j rolo-polo1965 :j
  • You are very courageous, Rollo, I do think that you are doing the right thing, however difficult it is.
    I am so glad to hear that you have found a nice place, that is so, so important. I think that, once you move out and in and have your peace and quiet, you will be so much happier and won't regret your decision.
    And, perhaps your husband will get to his senses, as, I can see his, point: you don't have a problem, it is HIM ho has it!
    I hope good luck follows you from now on, it won't be easy, but, one step at the time, it will get better. All the best, MB.
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