Leaving my husband

boombap

I really hope you get sorted and get your (and your kids') life back on track. It sounds truly awful what you're going through for you and I feel for you.

It might be worth checking out your local Citizens' Advice Bureau www.citizensadvice.org.uk) . Most towns and cities have them. I'd be worried that if you just pick a solictor at random from the Yellow Pages you may end up with an inadequate one - the Citizens Advice people could probably recommend a local firm which is good for family law.

All the best,

S.

EDIT - forgot to add that advice from the CAB is FREE!

rolo-polo1965

squee wrote: »

I really hope you get sorted and get your (and your kids') life back on track. It sounds truly awful what you're going through for you and I feel for you.

It might be worth checking out your local Citizens' Advice Bureau www.citizensadvice.org.uk) . Most towns and cities have them. I'd be worried that if you just pick a solictor at random from the Yellow Pages you may end up with an inadequate one - the Citizens Advice people could probably recommend a local firm which is good for family law.

All the best,

S.

EDIT - forgot to add that advice from the CAB is FREE!

Thamnks i will give CAB a ring tomorrow

johnpaulpops

I had a similar issue but from the other side of the fence. Don't put material issues before your happiness, if your husband is making you all unhappy then I know where I'd rather be. I eventually finished my marriage for similar reasons and have never once regretted this.

Get legal advice immediately. Your husband can't just sit tight in the house if you have the kids - not only are you entitled to half your joint assets, if you have the children you're entitled to maintenance off him too. It's 20% of net income for 2 children, not sure about 3? If he won't cough up then the CSA would be the next step.

There is life after separation, it's making the first step that's difficult but the more professional advice you get, the better chance you have of making an informed decision.

JP

IamJen

Another for Women's Aid. They've dealt with it all, and will be able to give you sound, free, compassionate advice. There are often solicitors who will take cases such as this for free/low cost.

If you're worried about how he's treating the kids (and particularly you say, that he may become violent), then definitely leaving is the right decision.

If you are concerned about his reaction when you leave, I'd make a few suggestions (aside from trying to leave when he's out of the house):

Have a folder ready somewhere that you can grab (or leave it in a safe place outside the house) with all of your important papers - kids' birth certificates, passport, car papers, bank info, etc. You should have any necessary medicines with you as well.

Make sure you have a spare set of car keys so he can't take them in the heat of the moment (this happened to more than one woman I worked with at a refuge).

Get a mobile phone, if you don't have one. If something happens when you are driving or out and about a phone is invaluable.

Tell someone you trust about when you are planning to leave, and where you're going. This could be someone you know personally, or a worker with Women's Aid, etc. Just someone who will check on you. Also, make sure that your daughter who's out of the house knows that you're planning to leave, in case he shows up there.

Not to be too personal, but are the children his too? If so, definitely make sure you contact a solicitor, as custody issues can make things a bit trickier.

Let us know how it goes.

Mutter_2

rolo-polo1965 wrote: »

It would take time but we would be better off without him, but i am woried about money. I do work full time so can afford the rent, but as my name is on the house i would be esponsible for half the mortgage still and can not afford both. I asume he would have to pay maintenence for the children while thay ae at school as well i asume.

Hi rolo, I really thought your reply would be a straight Yes.

Don't worry for the moment as to who pays for what.

If you decide separation is a maybe, you need to find a solicitor.
In fact, even if tomorrow is calm, and you think you can stand being there, still consult a solicitor. You will then be ready if things do flare in the future.

Do you have a friend who may recommend one? If not look for a Family Solicitor, many will give a half hour of general advice free of charge. Don't worry about fine detail for now, just how you will cope financially in the short term.

inamess200

HI i know exaclty how you are feeling - my husband is making my life and my eldest child's(11) life miserable ( other 2 are a bit young to notice) He is depressed and drinnks and then comes home verbally abusing me and lately our 11 year old - i have asked him to go but at the moment he is sitting tight. We rent and the agreement is in my sole name and at the moment he doesn;t work or claim benefits - i work full time and a ad hoc evening job as well and pay for everything although he does look after the littlest (3) when he finishes nursery (which i pay for) and is home when girls get home from school. I am sick of him having money for fags and beer (fixes cars for od tenna here and there) while I scrimp and save for debt payments and christmas. He says he donesn;t need to finacially contribute as he looks after the kids!! my answer you do that anyway as a parent. Each time I ask him to go he says he is taking youngest as he has looked after him the most ( had a bad back so I went to work fulltime after son born) but I am not letting thathappen as its his random behaviour that has got us here - any help on what to do next would be appreciated.

Sorry to hijack your post but I am so glad I am not the only person feeling like this.

rolo-polo1965

johnpaulpops wrote: »

I had a similar issue but from the other side of the fence. Don't put material issues before your happiness, if your husband is making you all unhappy then I know where I'd rather be. I eventually finished my marriage for similar reasons and have never once regretted this.

Get legal advice immediately. Your husband can't just sit tight in the house if you have the kids - not only are you entitled to half your joint assets, if you have the children you're entitled to maintenance off him too. It's 20% of net income for 2 children, not sure about 3? If he won't cough up then the CSA would be the next step.

There is life after separation, it's making the first step that's difficult but the more professional advice you get, the better chance you have of making an informed decision.

JP

Thanks for this

I spoke to finance manager at work today about everything, she was very supportive, says if i need time off etc just to let her know. It felt so much better just talking to someone.

i phoned around a few solicitors today to get costings etc. just need to make a desision now which one to use.

i do appreciate all the advice i have been getting on here

rolo-polo1965

IamJen wrote: »

Another for Women's Aid. They've dealt with it all, and will be able to give you sound, free, compassionate advice. There are often solicitors who will take cases such as this for free/low cost.

If you're worried about how he's treating the kids (and particularly you say, that he may become violent), then definitely leaving is the right decision.

If you are concerned about his reaction when you leave, I'd make a few suggestions (aside from trying to leave when he's out of the house):

Have a folder ready somewhere that you can grab (or leave it in a safe place outside the house) with all of your important papers - kids' birth certificates, passport, car papers, bank info, etc. You should have any necessary medicines with you as well.

Make sure you have a spare set of car keys so he can't take them in the heat of the moment (this happened to more than one woman I worked with at a refuge).

Get a mobile phone, if you don't have one. If something happens when you are driving or out and about a phone is invaluable.

Tell someone you trust about when you are planning to leave, and where you're going. This could be someone you know personally, or a worker with Women's Aid, etc. Just someone who will check on you. Also, make sure that your daughter who's out of the house knows that you're planning to leave, in case he shows up there.

Not to be too personal, but are the children his too? If so, definitely make sure you contact a solicitor, as custody issues can make things a bit trickier.

Let us know how it goes.

Thanks

Yes all of the children are his we have been married for 23 years, i dont regret marrying him as i would not be without any of my children.

Just had another barny with him as he is not interested in coming to parents evening for the girls. He was moaning that they dont talk to him and dont do what he wants them to do so why should he go. so i shall be going on my own.

I shall be making an appointment with a soliciter tomorrow

rolo-polo1965

It was good to read your post not because i am glad about what is happening to you but because it is good to know i am not the only one to feel like this.

What is it woth these men that makes them think they can treat us like this, it makes me so cross.

I do hope you get things sorted out for your sake and that of the children.

feel free to PM me if you want to chat

inamess200 wrote: »

HI i know exaclty how you are feeling - my husband is making my life and my eldest child's(11) life miserable ( other 2 are a bit young to notice) He is depressed and drinnks and then comes home verbally abusing me and lately our 11 year old - i have asked him to go but at the moment he is sitting tight. We rent and the agreement is in my sole name and at the moment he doesn;t work or claim benefits - i work full time and a ad hoc evening job as well and pay for everything although he does look after the littlest (3) when he finishes nursery (which i pay for) and is home when girls get home from school. I am sick of him having money for fags and beer (fixes cars for od tenna here and there) while I scrimp and save for debt payments and christmas. He says he donesn;t need to finacially contribute as he looks after the kids!! my answer you do that anyway as a parent. Each time I ask him to go he says he is taking youngest as he has looked after him the most ( had a bad back so I went to work fulltime after son born) but I am not letting thathappen as its his random behaviour that has got us here - any help on what to do next would be appreciated.

Sorry to hijack your post but I am so glad I am not the only person feeling like this.

johnpaulpops

rolo-polo1965 wrote: »

What is it woth these men that makes them think they can treat us like this, it makes me so cross.

Not just men, believe me there are plenty blokes with similar tales. Doesn't make it right, but at least it means we can sympathise.

JP