Is it me?

nothavingfun..

aw sorry - i would say fair enough BUT if he can't get a paid job then perhaps he needs to consider voluntary for the sake of his cv.....

ailuro2

Stop smoking, stop going behind your OH's back, stop feeling sorry for yourself.Get his backside out there and see if he can find part time work to supplement your income.

Life is hard, get over it!!

I don't speak to ANY of my family,I work 40 hours a week, have no babysitter for evenings to let me and my DH out but we still manage without me starting smoking again.

If you're not part of the solution then you're part of the problem rings very true in this case. If your OH is the caregiver while you are at work then fine, but you're not there full time, which leaves him free to also work for a living. It's hard going when Benefits pay the same as taking a few hours work, but the cost in self esteem and opening doors into a full time job are priceless.

I've not sugared the spoon for you,( just as you asked,) not because I'm mean, but because you need to realise there are people much worse off than your family and that you need to take a step back and look at what you DO have instead of moaning about what's not good in your life.;)

ceridwen

Well.....I'm trying to think just how to put this....but one does need to sit down and make concrete decisions about how one's life is going to be and make a plan of some description for it. We all know that that doesnt mean that life is going to go according to that plan - but we do need to make The Plan in the first place - otherwise nothing much happens and we just drift from one crisis to another (unless we lead a charmed life - complete with the silver spoon in the mouth).

So - that is Point 1 - make The Plan.

The second thing is that we do then have to be aware of having a reasonable degree of flexibility about changing our mind about who and what we are. Maybe we think we are one sort of person and have one set of ideas about how life is - but then realise we are someone different and our ideas have changed somewhat. This happens sometimes.

The third thing is that we must not let external obstacles interfere with The Plan if we can possibly help it. External obstacles come along and it can sometimes feel like we are constantly having to veer round this obstacle, put a bomb under that obstacle, etc and keep going with our eyes fixed firmly on The Objective. But we cant just let obstacles sit there in our path - diverting us from ever reaching The Objective. If we are serious enough about the objective - then we have to deal with those obstacles.

Right now - there's this pregnancy and you are saying that you didnt want it - but dont believe in abortion. Errrrrrmmm.....well....if someone is pregnant...then at some level they did want it methinks. If one is absolutely determined there wont be a pregnancy - then its highly unlikely there will be one and if there is, then one soon changes one mind about not believing in abortion. Fortunately I have always "believed" in abortion - so a pregnancy would have been a very easy obstacle for me to deal with - pregnant one week, gone literally the next week (as I would have "thrown some money at it" to solve the situation as fast as possible). But - for those who dont believe in abortion - then there is still adoption. There is a huge shortage of babies for couples wanting to adopt - why don't you consider that option?

If one is determined enough about the path one's life is to follow - then one can manage to at least get a goodways along the path - if not reach The Objective. We all now have a very good object lesson there in the news every day of just that fact - most of us (me included) don't have the very high level intelligence Barack Obama has - but he was saying as a kid that he was going to be President of the U.S. and probably had loads of people telling him it was impossible, as he came from such a disadvantaged background. Like I said - he is much more intelligent than most of us - but he set The Plan and he has reached The Objective. A lesson for all of us.

"luck is when opportunity meets PREPARATION".

Where do you want to be in: 5 years time, 10 years time, 20 years time? Think of that - and then start planning.

oystercatcher

Ceridwen, I can't believe that you are so cold and heartless to suggest abortion or adoption to the OP when she has already stated that this is not an option.
I've read other posts where you have stated that you believe an unborn child to be a disposable option. It is your right to believe that and it is a womans right to abortion but please please be aware that to many, myself included the moment a child is concieved it is a person with a right to life and to know it's own parents.
The emotional consequeces of giving up a child just so someone can further their career are not to be underestimated. This child was wanted and is hopefully being born into a happy stable partnership. Should child and parents be seperated then ALL of them would suffer. Should they stay together they may struggle but like many other families they will hopefully overcome and succed to make a good and happy life.

The OP is pregnant and wants this baby , therefor the Plan has to be adapted. No Plan can be unflexible quite simply because we do not know what is waiting for us in the future. Sometimes it's best not to know as well.
Plan by all means but also take life one day at a time. I've worked with too many families in crisis to say anything else.

Oystercatcher

elisamoose

searching_me wrote: »

already looked in to security you need a licence... i work part time 18-20hrs per weeks bring home about £400 if he worked i could quit and just do this teaching course then go in to paid teaching assistant which pays very well but with everything thats gone on ive missed so much i do know if they are gonna kick me off ... see more stress grrrrr x

ummm......who told you teaching assistants are paid well?

searching_me

its states on job info (which i did alot of) it could be anywhere between 10k-15k a year depending on expenice level you are at what school takes you on and how many days they need you... which concidering im on less the 6k a year i class that as alot but i would love to be doing a job i actually like and have the same holis as my dd x

ceridwen

Perhaps I missed the bit stating adoption is not an option - but I dont recall seeing that anywheres.

One has to take everyone's interests into account here - it is necessary to be thoughtful about the existing child, the man and the unborn child here - as well as the woman herself. This is consideration for the other 3 people involved here - the existing child has a mother who is finding it enough to cope with demands/finances as things stand at present and would find it even more difficult if there is a 2nd child. The man clearly doesnt wish to take on the traditional "responsible adult" role - so it doesnt sound like a good idea to make him be a father to a 2nd child. The unborn child deserves 2 willing/loving/financially sorted-out parents - what sort of start in life would he/she have otherwise? It is essential for a child to be loved and cared for well. Children have rights as well.

This is showing caring for the 3 other people in the equation - very far from heartless/cold.

searching_me

excuse me but are you saying the i wouldnt be able to love or support (the main one being love) my child .... abortion is NOT I REPEAT NOT an option this is my child yes i may only be 8 weeks and yes i am struggling the only reason i was unsure i keep thinking about the child i lost which unless you have been through the same thing you could not understand... my point of this was to ask basically am i asking too much and should i just put up and shut up for the sake of my family.

fernliebee

ceridwen wrote: »

Perhaps I missed the bit stating adoption is not an option - but I dont recall seeing that anywheres.

One has to take everyone's interests into account here - it is necessary to be thoughtful about the existing child, the man and the unborn child here - as well as the woman herself. This is consideration for the other 3 people involved here - the existing child has a mother who is finding it enough to cope with demands/finances as things stand at present and would find it even more difficult if there is a 2nd child. The man clearly doesnt wish to take on the traditional "responsible adult" role - so it doesnt sound like a good idea to make him be a father to a 2nd child. The unborn child deserves 2 willing/loving/financially sorted-out parents - what sort of start in life would he/she have otherwise? It is essential for a child to be loved and cared for well. Children have rights as well.

This is showing caring for the 3 other people in the equation - very far from heartless/cold.

I don't think the OP wanted or needed opinions on whether she is/ will be a fit mother! :rolleyes: She has posted on here (as lot's of people do) for a bit of support as it sounds as though she doesn't have much.

There is no certificate that has to be gained before becoming a parent and everyone of us does it (or doesn't do it) in their own way.:D

I can see your POV as considering everyone in the situation but there are many situations much bleaker than this where everyone pulls through in the end, life can be a struggle for many. Admittedly there are lot's of children that end up neglected or mistreated but who are we to judge the OP, as far as we know she is struggling to work, go to college and raise her daughter as well as 'looking after' her OH. :T

Lot's of people who fall pregnant (planned or otherwise) have doubts or worries at first- those hormones can make everything seem very bleak at times;) I'm sure the OP will get things sorted. Sounds like she has some sort of plan anyway;)

oystercatcher

ceridwen wrote: »

Perhaps I missed the bit stating adoption is not an option - but I dont recall seeing that anywheres.

One has to take everyone's interests into account here - it is necessary to be thoughtful about the existing child, the man and the unborn child here - as well as the woman herself. This is consideration for the other 3 people involved here - the existing child has a mother who is finding it enough to cope with demands/finances as things stand at present and would find it even more difficult if there is a 2nd child. The man clearly doesnt wish to take on the traditional "responsible adult" role - so it doesnt sound like a good idea to make him be a father to a 2nd child. The unborn child deserves 2 willing/loving/financially sorted-out parents - what sort of start in life would he/she have otherwise? It is essential for a child to be loved and cared for well. Children have rights as well.

This is showing caring for the 3 other people in the equation - very far from heartless/cold.

In the fifties and sixties many many babies and children were adopted, often against the mothers will. Some of these adoptions worked but many of them didn't. It's not an ideal solution at all. The child is left wondering why it wasn't wanted and who it's real parents were. The birth mothers were often desperatly depressed and traumatised.
I think we've moved on a bit now and current thinking is that a child is best living with it's real parents when possible.

I'm sure searching-me will make a wonderful parent, this child is much wanted as she has already stated so many times. I see no reason at all that this child should be given to strangers to be brought up. It's Mum is motivated, educating herself and has her eyes on a career that she will enjoy and will fit around the children. She will manage whatever. If she can get her OH to help so much the better, I think we're motivating her into putting some pressure on him. Hopefully he will get his act together soon, meanwhile he is doing a good bit of childcare and nothing terrible has been said about him so my assumption is that he's basically OK and a 'good enough' Dad. We can't all be perfect but most of us can be 'good enough'.

Searching-me I'm sure a major part of you feeling so tired and low is the pregnancy hormones. You should feel better and more energetic in a few weeks. Early pregnancy can be awful and seems worse in a way as there's no 'visible signs' for people to give a bit of extra help and care.

PS £10-15K isn't a 'good' wage but it'll do for the moment. Then you can train to be a teacher !!:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Oystercatcher