Is it me?

searching_me

ok its not actually money saving and is alittle as me and my little family is broke... ok heres my story...
me and my oh have been together since i was pregnant with my dd, (thought dd was my oh but turned out not to be long long long story but not part of the issues now) we moved in together when my dd was 5 months and have moved from hostel, to flat then leaving london where we used to live to sheffield where we are now... i have always been the provider of the family even when i had to give up college to go on jobseekers (believe i cried when this happened... alot) i got a job in 2006 and have been working ever since.. me and my oh have had our problems and yes i did cheat (it was a kiss but cheating is still cheating) but we worked or so i thought through it... apart from in the last year since moving up north we've been through hell and back... oh argued and losted the closest friend he had who tried to spilt us up, i lost my nan (she was like my mother as i cant stand my mother) dont speak to 90% of my family, i suffered an ectopic pg and we're broke all due to bad judgement and low wages but as you probably guessed all in my name as im the only one who earns...
just lately ive tried getting myself on track i got myself in to back in to college doing teacher training so that next year i dont have work in my poopy job on miniuim wage working and trying (the word been trying) to organise my money we were back to ttc again but i was sooo fed up of upsetting myself every month that i gave up on it.. well everything really i started to enjoy myself again allowed myself to haves friends and go out (didnt trust anyone before as friends had stabbed me in the back tooooo many times) my oh wasnt to bothered i supose but sometimes hed have the odd dig as he was at home with dd but i have always said to him he could go see his friends... sad to say i did start smoking again not the best idea but i just didnt care anymore (never at home or in front of my dd) i was starting to enjoy life again... fast forward a couple of months and ive found out im pg and to be honest dont really know how to take it with lossing the last one and with everything im doing and trying to sort out i feel like im doing it on my own... i work i go college i go my school placement i spend time with my dd and my oh ... to say the least im exhausted ... were as my oh ermmm picks up my dd from school and takes her some mornings say if i have to leave early or i woke up late and dont have enough time to get ready for work...
now today we had a bust up coz he found out im still smoking (before you say yes yes i know im pg i need to stop) but i find its my out let... he says how can he trust me or that i take his feelings in to concideration if i keep hiding things from him (hid it before but he found out) i understand he upset but im doing my best to keep the family a float and im stressed and this is my outlet... but now im left feeling like ive been selfish... i know he as tried hard to get a job but im starting to crack under the pressure im 23 and i feel about 43 my oh is not some big oger he is a very loving man and tells me he loves me every day... so im felt with the question is it me? am i expecting too much yes i should smoke but i dont know where else to turn as i dont wanna upset him i deal with the money so it must be my fault where broke... i dont wanna sound woe is me i just want cold hard advice i feel lost under a mountain of troubles x

Smashing

He hasn't worked the whole time you've been together? Why not?
There are plenty of jobs out there and any self-respecting man would want to contribute to the family - it's not as if he's fulfilling the househusband role, is it?
It sounds as though he has become far too comfortable doing sod all and leaving it all up to you.
Does he know you're pregnant? Is that not enough of an incentive to try to support his family? What on earth is he doing all day?
No wonder you're bloody stressed.

He needs to get a job pronto, and start seriously pulling his weight around the house in the meantime. You've clearly been far too accommodating of this man - why on earth do you put up with it? No wonder he loves you - you're his lackey!

Did your OH support you through your ectopic pregnancy? Do you really want to have another baby with this man and let things continue as they are?

searching_me

yes he was very supportive through the ectopic pg we didnt have any money at the time so he'd walk it back and forth to the hospital everyday (was in for 5 days due to the fact i became very amenic bad reaction to the surgery) yer he knows im pg told him as soon as i found out... he does look after dd as my hours at work, college and placement mean i dont leave early enough to pick her up x

Janepig

Yup, I'd be less worried about the smoking than I would be about the stress caused by trying to do everything. Now you're pregnant again he needs to get a job - pronto. Anything, just to get the money coming in.

Jxx

searching_me

i want to give up my job and we discussed already and he knows for me to do that he needs a job that is 20hrs or more miniuim so the money is round about what we're getting now a little more would help but we need what we get now to survive ... he said he understood but i think its a case of being comfy x

viktory

I can't understand why you allowed yourself to fall pregnant when you are clearly struggling financially and emotionally

Now you are, the only answer is for your OH to get a job. Any job. He has a family to provide for.

searching_me

the thing is when i lost my first pg i was depress to get pg again (all for the wrong reasons of course) the month i fell pg i wasnt thinking about it as all i was thinking was it was my oh birthday (which happened to be the day i fell pg) i do not believe in abortion or anything like that as this is my child and come hell or high water i will do my best ... no sorry my very best to make sure it as everything it needs just as my dd x

Smashing

viktory wrote: »

I can't understand why you allowed yourself to fall pregnant when you are clearly struggling financially and emotionally

!!!!!! happens. What can you do? What's done is done. It has happened - rightly or wrongly - and now the situation needs to be addressed. No point raking over past events.

Op - Now is the time to start making changes, Another baby is going to make things harder, not easier and you need to work together and support each other through this.
If he's not down the job centre, handing his CV out or actively searching each day then he's not doing enough. Right now he doesn't have the luxury of waiting until 'the right job' comes along. It won't - he needs to be working, full stop. Far easier to get another job when you're already employed, so if it's entry level minimum wage then he'll just have to grin and bear it for now. You and your children are worth the effort and until he realises that he's just going to continue to flounder.

searching_me

at one point about 3 months ago he spent 6 hours down the job centre to be told ... do you wanna go on jobseekers which would do us more harm then good... hes never had a job his mum enforced the fact that you need to be in college getting an education and although i can see what she was trying to help her son but she messed things up coz now hes 25 and has never had a job and no one seems to want him as he as no experince x

Smashing

He's got legs and arms - someone will give him a job.

Local supermarket - will be recruiting xmas temps right now. Even that would suffice for the moment.
Pubs - bar work is always available. Easy to train on the job.
Cleaning - yes, really.
Royal mail - will be taking temp sorting staff.
All kind of shops will be taking on staff for the xmas period.

I assume he went to uni? What's his degree in? What are his interests? What kind of jobs has he been applying for?

searching_me

no 6 years of college art graphic and design and anything morrisons retail to be honest be a month or so since he looked probably i keep looking for him every now and again when im not napping x