The miscarriage support and TTC after miscarriage thread

GracieP

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Some people have said to me 'well at least you have children already' and I see their thinking behind this and I know I am lucky - however it doesn't make you feel any better about the one you have lost in my opinion.

It doesn't make you feel any better about the one you lost, but in a lot of ways it is easier. Right now I'm left wondering if I can ever have children. For all I know I had a miscarriage because I am incapable of carrying a baby, or because there is a genetic incapability between me and my dh. If we already had a child I'd know that isn't so. Not that that would guarantee we'd ever have another baby, but it would be more reassuring.

But much, much worse than that is the fact that my baby made me a mum. And after I miscarried I had that taken away from me. I want to be a mother more than just about anything in the world, and for a very short time I was. And now I'm not anymore, and I can't describe quite how awful that is.

I'm not trying to make less of your loss, I know you loved your baby every bit as much as I loved mine. But I know if I already had a baby I'd feel a hell of a lot less empty.

galvanizersbaby

GracieP wrote: »

It doesn't make you feel any better about the one you lost, but in a lot of ways it is easier. Right now I'm left wondering if I can ever have children. For all I know I had a miscarriage because I am incapable of carrying a baby, or because there is a genetic incapability between me and my dh. If we already had a child I'd know that isn't so. Not that that would guarantee we'd ever have another baby, but it would be more reassuring.

But much, much worse than that is the fact that my baby made me a mum. And after I miscarried I had that taken away from me. I want to be a mother more than just about anything in the world, and for a very short time I was. And now I'm not anymore, and I can't describe quite how awful that is.

I'm not trying to make less of your loss, I know you loved your baby every bit as much as I loved mine. But I know if I already had a baby I'd feel a hell of a lot less empty.

Gracie P I do understand - my first miscarriage happened when I was 28 with my first pregnancy so I was in the same position as you once with no children - the 2nd miscarriage was a couple of months ago.
I remember wondering if I could have children, however everyone is different and how you feel after miscarriage varies from person to person - I don't think I felt any the less empty as you describe following my recent miscarriage.
One thing I would say is try not to get too bogged down with wondering about infertility issues etc... I know I keep quoting this but 1 in 3 first pregnancies miscarry remember - that's an awful lot - try not to worry about being incapable of carrying a baby - I know it's hard x I do understand really x

GracieP

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

I know I keep quoting this but 1 in 3 first pregnancies miscarry remember - that's an awful lot - try not to worry about being incapable of carrying a baby - I know it's hard x I do understand really x

I've actually read (I've been doing a lot of googling ) that as many as 60% pregnancies end in miscarriage. But that in the past not everyone realised that they are actually pregnant and miscarry before week 4. It's just becoming apparent since early response tests became widely available.

merrymary

FairyElephant wrote: »

....... There are so many more of us than I expected - a lovely nurse/midwife said to me afterwards that it is like a secret club or society - until it happens to you, you just never know how many other women are 'members' - she and the other nurse attending me had both been through the MC experience......

that is very true. you never know how many until you've experienced it yourself. you become a 'member' of this secret club. only then you start hearing their stories. everybody seem to know someone who's had a m/c. a friend of a friend, a neighbor, my MIL...it is so common.

take as much time as you need. get yourself together and get stronger again physically and emotionally. my first mc happened before xmas and i had 2 weeks off before going back to work. i burst into tears when the other TA i work with very closely gave me hug and a then pregnant teacher asked to see my scan pic to compare to hers. i felt sorry for her as she didn't know how to console me. definitely not ready yet but i kept going.

this time i was off work for 3 weeks and struggling to get back to work. to put on a happy, cheerful face and play with the children. so i handed in my notice last week. they were very good and they told me i could go back if i want to. i will be flying abroad in 2 weeks time to see my mum and dad who was devastated to hear what happened for the second time.

i found this poem posted in another forum. and i thought it's lovely:

I thought of you all, I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard him say,

"A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true."
But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!" He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."

"Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say.."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who has so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free."

"I miss My Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you."

"So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start."

"Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until there time is done
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one."


xxx

mrcow

GracieP wrote: »

I'm not trying to make less of your loss, I know you loved your baby every bit as much as I loved mine. But I know if I already had a baby I'd feel a hell of a lot less empty.

But you need to see that you are only seeing your side of things and perhaps need to be a little more sensitve to the fact that others certainly don't feel like this before ever saying this to someone else.

galvanizersbaby

mrcow wrote: »

But you need to see that you are only seeing your side of things and perhaps need to be a little more sensitve to the fact that others certainly don't feel like this before ever saying this to someone else.

I guess nobody really knows how something feels until they experience it but then again everybody is different.
Personally I felt the same sense of loss emotionally with both miscarriages and with the first I guess there was an element of worrying about fertility/ability to carry but then again also with the 2nd miscarriage as I'm 35 now so not as young as I used to be!
Having experienced both I can see both sides I guess.
All I do know is that miscarriage has been one of the worst life experiences so far for me and I truly feel for all those that have suffered it and also those still waiting for a child of their own - I can't imagine how that must feel so I feel lucky in that respect.

skintchick

Aww that poem made me cry!

I know where GracieP is coming from, but I aslo know that you don;t mourna loss any less just cos you already have one of what you've lost.

I don;t have any children yet (but I will! I will!) but I did used to have two cats, and when one died I was devastated. Someone said to me 'at least you have the other one' but that didn;t help at all. Yes, I had kizzy but I'd lost Garfield, and I missed her terribly.

Let's not fight on here - I wanted this thread to be a place of support and mutual caring, and I like it that people with all kinds of experiences post on here.

x

nadnad

mrcow wrote: »

But you need to see that you are only seeing your side of things and perhaps need to be a little more sensitve to the fact that others certainly don't feel like this before ever saying this to someone else.

maybe but i can understand how she feels. i think when you have suffered a miscarriage and have no children already your pain is increased with worry and anxiety about the thoughts of perhaps not being able to carry a child. i think once you have a child if you miscarry then, well i suppose at least you don't have those thoughts. i can imagine if it happened to me now since i have my little boy at least i would have him to keep me going and give me hope. so don't be too harsh on Gracie because i can certainly see where she is coming from and i'm sure she meant no harm. and i second what skintchick says this is a thread for support not arguments.
xo

CAFCGirl

I think thats a lovely post SkintChick...

Life is hard enough dealing with miscarriage and life afterwards.
However one thing that is often mentionned on a lot of miscarriage sites (that I've read anyway) is that part of the process for some people is feelings of anger and resentment etc.

An old school friend of mine is due to give birth any day now and even when she emailed me to say she was really sorry for my loss, I felt like I didnt want to hear from her, as I saw her as someone who had what I wanted, but it wasnt her fault, and miscarriage is no-ones fault.

Its a very hard situation to deal with, but with the support of others who have been dealt the same cruel hand we can find some comfort.

Big Love to everyone xx

GracieP

skintchick wrote: »

I know where GracieP is coming from, but I aslo know that you don;t mourna loss any less just cos you already have one of what you've lost.

But my point is that I haven't just lost my baby, I've lost being a mother. To me that is equally as bad as losing the baby, iyswim. I'm pretty sure I'll get to be one again someday, but I was one a few weeks ago and now I'm not, and to be quite frank I feel like it's killing me.