The miscarriage support and TTC after miscarriage thread

galvanizersbaby

nadnad wrote: »

maybe but i can understand how she feels. i think when you have suffered a miscarriage and have no children already your pain is increased with worry and anxiety about the thoughts of perhaps not being able to carry a child. i think once you have a child if you miscarry then, well i suppose at least you don't have those thoughts. i can imagine if it happened to me now since i have my little boy at least i would have him to keep me going and give me hope. so don't be too harsh on Gracie because i can certainly see where she is coming from and i'm sure she meant no harm. and i second what skintchick says this is a thread for support not arguments.
xo

I third that this is a place for support not arguements.
I didn't take Gracie's post to heart and I can see where she's coming from with my experience first time round.
I can remember when I had my first m/c both my sisters were pregnant and though I didn't feel anger and resentment towards them as such (one of my sisters had already been through 2 miscarriages herself) I did find it a bit hard at the time to be around them and I know now that they felt guilty for still being pregnant.
I think it's pretty normal to have those feelings of anger and resentment.
I hope that people find some comfort and support here - I too like that people are able to post about their experiences x

galvanizersbaby

GracieP wrote: »

But my point is that I haven't just lost my baby, I've lost being a mother. To me that is equally as bad as losing the baby, iyswim. I'm pretty sure I'll get to be one again someday, but I was one a few weeks ago and now I'm not, and to be quite frank I feel like it's killing me.

Gracie - sorry you are feeling so bad right now.
I hope you get the chance to be a mother again soon x
I too found it really hard to get my head round the fact that one minute I was pregnant and looking forward to having my first baby and the next I was facing the prospect of an ERPC and no baby - suddenly it seemed everyone was pregnant or had children but me - I just wanted to be pregnant again.
I hope you feel better soon x

GracieP

mrcow wrote: »

But you need to see that you are only seeing your side of things and perhaps need to be a little more sensitve to the fact that others certainly don't feel like this before ever saying this to someone else.

Actually I thought long and hard about the post I made and I made it because I needed to. It's pretty ironic that your post about being more sensitive has had me sobbing for the last 10 minutes.

galvanizersbaby

GracieP wrote: »

Actually I thought long and hard about the post I made and I made it because I needed to. It's pretty ironic that your post about being more sensitive has had me sobbing for the last 10 minutes.

Please don't be sobbing about any posts Gracie! - people understood where you were coming from

Now on the positive side - the sun is out and I am leaving work in approx 25 mins and looking forward to the weekend!

Love and hugs to you all x

milliebear00001

Oh Gracie, it wasn't meant to upset you I'm sure. Please don't get upset about a post on here when you have so much else going on.

I do agree that my first child was an enormous comfort when I thought I was miscarrying my second. Not because you feel the loss any less, but because they give you reassurance that it can happen, and because they give you a different focus. I know when I had the mc before I had any children, I was desolate, and that was largely (for me) because I was convinced I would never become a mother.

I don't think anybody on this board is trying to turn grief into a competition, but feelings run very high around this topic and rightly so.

CAFCGirl

GracieP

I've got to confess I didnt really understand earlier on but after your post #91, I think I understand a bit more now of what youre saying.

Those who have had a child and suffered loss remain a mother but losing the the first time you were pregnant is losing 2 things.
Im so sorry I didnt understand the first time around.

I can see now that noone was suggesting it hurts any less losing a child that would have been the first, or a sibling to their other children etc.... and I think (im going out on a limb) everyone else feels the same way. The hurt, the pain, the anguish still exists whatever the circumstance.

My second confession is that I havent feel like being a mother has been taken away from me, I just consider myself to have been a different kind of mother at the moment, I was the mother to a thought, a glimmer, a future.

Then I would have progressed to another kind of mother, and then on again.
But I was always a mother, its just that thought, that glimmer that future wasnt meant to be for whatever reason.

But again maybe thats just a wistful, philosophical approach/spin on it, to help me to deal with it.

I dont know if what I have posted reads very well and please all understand that if anything causes offence I really have not meant it to. I've re-read this about 5 times for fear of upsetting anyone. So I'll say sorry in advance
xxx

Nicki

It's really difficult to understand someone else's grief when the circumstances are different to your own, and I think its normal to feel that what's happened to you is worse than could ever happen to anyone else.

I miscarried at 17 weeks in my first pregnancy. Like others it was picked up at a scan and the baby had been reabsorbed by that time. I'd never heard of that happening before or since until I read this thread so its been really helpful to me to read that its happened to others too. It took 6 long years and a lot of fertility treatment to conceive again.

I remember being devastated about 6 months after my miscarriage when a male colleague at the same level of seniority to me emailed round to thank the bosses for the lovely flowers they had sent his wife who had an ectopic pregnancy discovered at 5 weeks. I hadn't had so much as a concerned phone call asking after my health when it happened to me. Also around this time, Princess Diana died and I found the mass outpouring of public grief from people who hadn't known her to be hard to handle when I was grieving the loss of my little one, and seemingly expected to just snap out of it.

It is a time where no one can say the right thing to comfort you, and anything which is said at all about what's happened will feel like a hammer blow. I can really understand why both Gracie and Mrcow are upset with what the other has said as they've both been through a lot. And I can't say anything which will make either of them feel better - because there isn't anything that will make them feel better. All that I do know is that now 16 years later, I have come to some kind of acceptance about what happened to me, but it took a long long time to get there, and reading this thread has still made me feel sad.

Gingham_Ribbon

CAFCGirl wrote: »

I've re-read this about 5 times for fear of upsetting anyone. So I'll say sorry in advance
xxx

:A I don't think we can talk about this if we're all walking on eggshells too much. Gracie, I undersatnd where you're coming from too. It's not disrespectful to anyone else's grief to explain how you feel so please don't worry.

CAFCGirl

I just wasnt sure what I was typing would make sense to anyone else but me

Take care everyone xx

GracieP

Nicki wrote: »

I can really understand why both Gracie and Mrcow are upset with what the other has said as they've both been through a lot.

No sorry, I really don't see what I did to upset anyone. I just explained the opposite side of galvinisersbaby's post. She posted her feelings and I posted mine in response, sort of what I figured this thread is about. I thought a lot about it before I wrote it, and I typed it out about 5 different ways before I posted it. But I thought the other side of the situation needed to be expressed. And I've read it back a couple of times since and genuinely can't see anything insensitive in it.

I don't get how I'm supposed to have upset anyone and I haven't stopped crying for the last hour. I'm not saying this to get at mrcow, I only finished miscarrying a couple of weeks ago and my hormones are still haywire. I'm sure under normal circumstances I wouldn't be feeling like this.:o

Mrcow, I'm sorry if my post offended you, but I just wanted to express how I feel right now.