Can't agree on baby's surname!

Jo_R_2

Hi all

I am expecting a baby with OH next year. I have two children from a previous relationship, and they have mine and my partner's surnames, not hyphenated, just like first name, then my surname, then his surname. Primarily because I wasn't happy at them just having his surname and not mine (we weren't married.) He was fine about this and they've kept this name even though we've now split up.

Me and my OH now just CANNOT agree what surname baby will have. He is very traditional, he wants us to get married in the future, and for him this involves me changing my name to his and baby having his surname. Apart from the fact I don't want to change my name (I like it!), I just cannot get on with the thought of baby having just his name.

I understand that OH is as I said, very traditional when it comes to stuff like this, and he sees part of marriage as the woman changing her name to the man's and the kids having the male surname. I don't want to disrespect how he feels as I can see it's really important to him, but equally, I feel really strongly that my name is part of my identity and I a) wouldn't want to change it for marriage, and b) wouldn't agree with baby just having his surname.

OTOH, I'm also concerned about baby having a different surname to my first two children... OH won't go double barrelled so that's another option out the window. I'm not sure what other options there are: I can see poor baby only having a first name - we can just about agree on a couple of those!

Also I don't think my ex would agree to the kids having their names changed in any fashion either.

Any suggestions?

My_Fathers_Daughter

Hi Jo,

Is baby having your name as a middle name an option?

Sounds like you and OH have a lot of talking to do, aiming for a compromise for both of you seems the best way.

Is it essential to your OH that you have the same name as him completely? By that I mean can you double barrel your name then his and leave his as it is?

pinkshoes

Me and my OH will probably have kids before marriage, and I have no problems with them taking my OHs surname, on the basis that perhaps one day we will get married...

My 2 cousins were also born before their parents married, and took their father's surname. The parents have since married, although my aunt retained her maiden name after marriage as it was just easier and she wanted to.

I guess I'm a bit of a traditionalist, and really hate the whole double-barrelled name thing! Some friends at school had this p*ss taken out of them due to their two surnames!

MrsTinks

Hmmm toughie - ultimately the mother has the final say on what goes on the birthcertificate and in practise you don't even have to list a father... That might be a bit extreem though!
I didn't take my husbands surname when we married and the plan is for him to eventually take mine - our children will have my name.
I can only suggest that you explain to him WHY it's so important to you to keep your name. Independance can come in many shapes and sizes and to me my independance and identity is greatly in my name - partly because it's unusual.
Maybe he doesn't understand just how strongly you feel about the name?
Is there ANY way you are willing to bend on this? If not then you have to find a way of telling him that and if possible get him to understand and agree.

galvanizersbaby

Hi JoR

Nothings ever straightforward is it?!
I can understand your OH wanting the baby to have his name but it is really down to you the name your baby is given and also the surname you yourself take (you are not married just yet)
By the sounds of things your OH is unwilling to compromise - I take it he knows your thinking behind the whole names thing?

Perhaps it might be an idea if baby just had your surname at this stage and then as and when OH becomes your hubbie you discuss it again?

shellsuit

My children (12 and 10) have my surname.

When I was pregnant with them, I told my then OH, that I wanted them to have my name, but if we ever got married, I wouldn't hesitate to change their name to his, so that we all had the same name. I knew we wouldn't get married, he wasn't and still isn't the marrying type, so I know I made the right decision all those years ago.

I'm pregnant now to my OH who I have been with for just over 6 years. We have spoken about marriage and we will get married one day, so the new baby will have his surname.

I don't like the fact that one day, my children will have a different surname to me and their sibling, but as they are older, it will be their choice if they want to change their name.

Has your OH moved in yet? I'd be wary about talk regarding surnames and marriage before you know you can actually both live together and come to some sort of compromise about every day living. (Going from your other threads)

The last thing you need, is to sort out now that the baby will have your OHs name, then the relationship goes belly up.

Good Luck xx

mspig

my eldest (whos not my husbands biological son) only had my surname as i wasen't married to his father, when i got married he added his surname to his middle names and took on my new surname. When i had my next two children we added my maiden name to their middle names and they took on my husbands surname, but then i put my maiden name to my middle name and took on my husbands surname.

However if i wasn't married whe we had the next two children they would have took my surname until we married.

candygirl

Give the baby your surname, until you're married.That's what i'd do anyway;)

carbonmonoxide

It really depends how strongly you feel about it. My partner and I discussed this before she became pregnant. She said she wanted our child have to have her surname, but we talked about it and when she realised how much it meant to me andagreed that he or she would have my surname, and she stuck to her word as we registered our sons birth a couple of weeks ago and I am so proud of him :j

Jo_R_2

carbonmonoxide wrote: »

It really depends how strongly you feel about it. My partner and I discussed this before she became pregnant. She said she wanted our child have to have her surname, but we talked about it and when she realised how much it meant to me andagreed that he or she would have my surname, and she stuck to her word as we registered our sons birth a couple of weeks ago and I am so proud of him :j

This is kinda my problem! He sounds like you - can I ask personally why it means so much to you? No disrespect or anything - obviously I'm not a guy so it's good to have that male insight!

I think we'll have a bit of a problem because we both feel strongly about it. If this makes sense (talking to a guy here), I almost find it insulting, talking generally, that I should get rid of my name, the one I've had all my life, for someone elses if I get married, and that a man would think he has some kind of 'right' that a child have his surname, and not mine, like his is more important! Does that make sense? It's like he's saying to me, I'm the man therefore my name is more important than yours.

Sorry to rant, and of course I know it's not exactly like that but that's how I feel sometimes!

galvanizersbaby

I was thinking over lunch and I would have the same issues as you if OH and I were to have a child together

My two children have their fathers surname which I have also kept (partly because I couldn't be bothered to change back to my maiden name though we've been divorced a year now and also because it is the surname of my two children.)

I know if OH and I were to marry and have a child he would want the child to have his name and also for me to change my name (which I don't really mind about - haven't got any strong feelings about this either way seeing as at the mo I have my ex's name)
BUT for my children I would keep their fathers name as it wouldn't seem right to change it - he is their dad and it's the name they were born with but they would then have a different name to me.

I think I am ok with this but who know's what problems it could present

Will be interested in following this thread to see other's opinions on the whole names thing!