Can't agree on baby's surname!

miss_corerupted

my baby is going to have my boyf's surname ONLY because he already has a son with his nmae so i think it would be better for them to have same name. If he didn't have another child there would be no way it would have his name

shellsuit

Not sure if you saw or not Jo, but did your OH move in as planned?

Jo_R_2

I see what you mean galvanizersbaby - one of my worries is my two DDs feeling 'excluded' from a family unit that could potentially see them having a different name to their baby brother, mum and stepfather, although some might say that's me reading too much into it!

Sorry shellsuit missed that bit - yes he has not long moved in. Things are good actually, it's not been terribly long all said and done but talk about a complete about turn! He's hardly been out, is talking about more overtime at the weekends to save up (he does a bit anyway), has happily contributed to buying shopping (though not come up against bills and rent day which will be soon!), has been looking after me of an evening - although this means he snuggles me up on the sofa under the Spiderman quilt in front of CSI or Law and Order (my faves) and brings me food and inevitably I fall asleep at some ridiculously early hour - I have now worked out this is a ruse so I don't talk at him all evening and he manufactures a 'Jo falls asleep' situation (not difficult for me at the mo!) so he gets to sit in front of the fire watching Street Wars and having a quiet beer!

Seriously it's all been really good so far, and the kids love having him there - he's ever so good with them whether he thinks it or not!

shellsuit

Jo_R wrote: »

I see what you mean galvanizersbaby - one of my worries is my two DDs feeling 'excluded' from a family unit that could potentially see them having a different name to their baby brother, mum and stepfather, although some might say that's me reading too much into it!

Sorry shellsuit missed that bit - yes he has not long moved in. Things are good actually, it's not been terribly long all said and done but talk about a complete about turn! He's hardly been out, is talking about more overtime at the weekends to save up (he does a bit anyway), has happily contributed to buying shopping (though not come up against bills and rent day which will be soon!), has been looking after me of an evening - although this means he snuggles me up on the sofa under the Spiderman quilt in front of CSI or Law and Order (my faves) and brings me food and inevitably I fall asleep at some ridiculously early hour - I have now worked out this is a ruse so I don't talk at him all evening and he manufactures a 'Jo falls asleep' situation (not difficult for me at the mo!) so he gets to sit in front of the fire watching Street Wars and having a quiet beer!

Seriously it's all been really good so far, and the kids love having him there - he's ever so good with them whether he thinks it or not!

Ahhh thats good Jo! Glad to hear it, finally it looks like he has come to his senses!

Did you manage to sort out a budget with him as I know you were stressing over that?

I do understand where you are coming from regarding the names. I myself am happy to change my name when we get around to getting married, but if you are not happy with that, I can see how it would cause problems with baby #3 having a different name to it's siblings if you gave it your OH's name, not to mention the fact that you would like the baby to have the same name as you!

Maybe suggest to him that no matter what name the baby has, he will still be the childs Father. Saying that though, he could say the same to you couldn't he? Oh what a mess! :rotfl:

Becles

I've got two children from my first marriage who have my ex's surname. I went back to my maiden name when I got divorced. I've since married again and changed my surname to my husbands and my third child has his surname too.

IMO it's no big deal that the eldest two have a different name to us. They did make noises around the wedding and when Charlotte was born about having a different surname, but my ex refused permission to change it. I said they can decide when they are 16 and can legally change their names, and they've never mentioned it again since!

carbonmonoxide

Jo_R wrote: »

This is kinda my problem! He sounds like you - can I ask personally why it means so much to you? No disrespect or anything - obviously I'm not a guy so it's good to have that male insight!

I think we'll have a bit of a problem because we both feel strongly about it. If this makes sense (talking to a guy here), I almost find it insulting, talking generally, that I should get rid of my name, the one I've had all my life, for someone elses if I get married, and that a man would think he has some kind of 'right' that a child have his surname, and not mine, like his is more important! Does that make sense? It's like he's saying to me, I'm the man therefore my name is more important than yours.

Sorry to rant, and of course I know it's not exactly like that but that's how I feel sometimes!

no problem. I agree with you in a lot of ways and I would never insist my partner took my name if we were to get married - but I did want a child of mine to have my name. I'm no traditionlist but it was important to me. The only way I can explain this is a baby grows inside their mother, feeds from them and will always have that special bond. You can feel quite detached from it all and to have your child named after you means a lot and makes you feel like you a real part of it all.

But if you feel so strongly about this you should do what feels right to you. Alternatively would you consider a double barrel? My friends did this and it could save a lot of arguing. However its not for everyone and my partner and I both agreed our surnames would sound ridiculous bolted together!

Staciep88

Hi there

I dont have any advice as such but just wanted to say that I know how you feel. Me and OH often talk about this as I say that if we got married I would keep my surname aswell as taking his and the same would go for a baby. He doesnt agree and feels very strong that me and the baby would take only his name. I wouldnt mind so much but I really like my last name and his a silly name!

Kaz2904

I have a friend who had a son from her first marriage. For many reasons when her marriage ended she never got divorced and didn't change her name. She started a new relationship and stayed married -mainly due to an ill (ex) Mother in law.
She then went on to have a baby with her new partner. The new baby took her Dads name but this made my friend want to keep her name the same. As far as she was concerned she didn't want her eldest to be the only one with a different surname and her DD had the same name as her Dad. They have since had another 2 babies who have all taken the Dads name. So there are 3 children with the name Bloggs to Dad Bloggs and Mummy Smith and eldest son Smith.
She said it makes her OH's eye twitch that she is still married to another man but not that she has his surname (even if she had her maiden name it would still be another mans name). She feels that this is one of the last things she can do to protect her eldest and make him not singled out.
She has had her married name lponger than any other name so it would feel wierd for her to change it.
Maybe that is an option?
Personally I wasn't to keen on taking DH's silly surname when I married him but mine was silly for the area we lived in anyway so I took it.

**kym**

I actually agree with carbonmonoxide. I think a mother carries her child and so the child will always in a sense belong very physically to its mother. The father doesn't have the same tie, so the child 'belongs' to the father by the family tie denoted by the name. Therefore if me and OH were to have a baby, it would be given OH's surname no question even though we probably wouldn't marry.

But I do understand how you feel Jo R because of the fact that there are other children involved.

I hope you come up with a non-ridiculous solution - I actually knew a family that ALL changed their last name to something completely different to avoid all the complications! :rotfl:

MrsKelly_2

Jo_R wrote: »

Hi all

I am expecting a baby with OH next year. I have two children from a previous relationship, and they have mine and my partner's surnames, not hyphenated, just like first name, then my surname, then his surname. Primarily because I wasn't happy at them just having his surname and not mine (we weren't married.) He was fine about this and they've kept this name even though we've now split up.

Me and my OH now just CANNOT agree what surname baby will have. He is very traditional, he wants us to get married in the future, and for him this involves me changing my name to his and baby having his surname. Apart from the fact I don't want to change my name (I like it!), I just cannot get on with the thought of baby having just his name.

I understand that OH is as I said, very traditional when it comes to stuff like this, and he sees part of marriage as the woman changing her name to the man's and the kids having the male surname. I don't want to disrespect how he feels as I can see it's really important to him, but equally, I feel really strongly that my name is part of my identity and I a) wouldn't want to change it for marriage, and b) wouldn't agree with baby just having his surname.

OTOH, I'm also concerned about baby having a different surname to my first two children... OH won't go double barrelled so that's another option out the window. I'm not sure what other options there are: I can see poor baby only having a first name - we can just about agree on a couple of those!

Also I don't think my ex would agree to the kids having their names changed in any fashion either.

Any suggestions?

When i was pregnant in 2004 if i am honest me and my boyfriend were arguing quite a bit, we weren't getting along great when our DD was first born either so as much as my boyfriend wanted just his surname we double barrelled (we agreed on this but it was reluctantly on my bf's part).

Despite our problems we sorted it out and got married in June this year, and i wanted to double barrel but, despite DD being double barrelled my OH was very unhappy about me doing this as he is very traditional about the woman taking the man's name. I didn't have a problem having his name i just didn't want my daughter to be the 'odd' one out. Anyway i eventually decided to take OH's name as he was more upset about me not doing so than i was about not double barelling it. But i did not and, still do not want to change my daughters name, i know she now has a different name but she is 3 and knows her own name so i do not want to confuse her by changing it, in the future she can decide if she wants to just be known as Kelly or keep both names. But when we have another child that child will also have the double barelled surname and they too can decide when they get older if they are to change it or not, its not a major problem we all still have 'Kelly' as our surname its just that my fathers name is also carried in with my OH's name, my DD is a grandad's girl so i think as she grows older she will like having his name aswell as Daddy's name anyway.

I just though to tell you my story because as you say your OH is traditional and if you did marry he would want you to change your name, double barelling now will create a bit of a problem in the future if he doesn't want you to do the same to your name when you marry, so discuss that aswell as the childs surname. Good luck