Can't agree on baby's surname!

arthur_dent_2

Jo_R wrote: »

I see what you are saying but surely you can say exactly the same in reverse? Ie "You may aswell say I love you now but who knows we might break up in the future, it is hardly a connitment to the mother if you can't even allow her child her name."

Traditionally a child has the family name, most commonly the fathers as in the past it was more likely for the parents to be married.

galvanizersbaby

arthur_dent wrote: »

The other children would have their fathers surname. If you are unfortunate enough to have been part of a relationship breakdown then that does not change the child/childrens paternity. Surely everyone goes into a relationship believing it will be forever, even if it does not pan out that way.

No but having different names could present problems which I think is one of the reasons the op is thinking carefully about.
Also I think OP is trying to make the point that why should a woman automatically take a man's name when they marry if she does not wish to?!

Jo_R_2

carbonmonoxide wrote: »

no problem. I agree with you in a lot of ways and I would never insist my partner took my name if we were to get married - but I did want a child of mine to have my name. I'm no traditionlist but it was important to me. The only way I can explain this is a baby grows inside their mother, feeds from them and will always have that special bond. You can feel quite detached from it all and to have your child named after you means a lot and makes you feel like you a real part of it all.

But if you feel so strongly about this you should do what feels right to you. Alternatively would you consider a double barrel? My friends did this and it could save a lot of arguing. However its not for everyone and my partner and I both agreed our surnames would sound ridiculous bolted together!

That's really insightful, thanks. OH hasn't said anything like this, he hasn't really explained why he feels like he does, just that he knows it is extremely important to him, both me changing my name to his if we get married, and his children having his name. I think maybe if I could delve a bit and find out, it might be easier to reach some kind of a happy compromise.

My two DDs have a double barrelled name, not hyphenated, just their first name, my surname then my ex's surname. Luckily the names go together well so it sounds fine, and I felt better about how it looks on paper without the hyphen. Having said that, DD1 has just started school and she can write her first name and just about my surname, but poor ex's surname is going to be the last part.

So I have no problem in theory with double barrelling, I think what bothers me about it in this case is I will have three lovely children, first two with ex's last name then this little chap with OH's last name. Mind you, they'd all have my name in common I suppose... But I know OH is not up for that idea at all, at the mo it's his name - ONE surname - or nothing lol!

shellsuit

arthur_dent wrote: »

I am sorry, but I have to disagree with most of the posters and say that of course the child should have the fathers surname. I truly cannot see why anyone who is having a baby and is sure of paternity would want any different. You may aswell say I love you now but who knows we might break up in the future, it is hardly a connitment to the father if you can't even allow his child his name.

But it's not his child is it?

It's Jo's and her OH's child.

arthur_dent_2

My husband has a large step family, his surname is one thing and theirs is another, this has never caused any problems to them or to the parents.

galvanizersbaby

arthur_dent wrote: »

Traditionally a child has the family name, most commonly the fathers as in the past it was more likely for the parents to be married.

But not every woman changes their name to the man's when they get married - times have changed in that respect I think - women keep their names for all sorts of reason's - e.g. my friend didn't change her name on marriage as she was known by her maiden name in her profession

Jo_R_2

arthur_dent wrote: »

The other children would have their fathers surname. If you are unfortunate enough to have been part of a relationship breakdown then that does not change the child/childrens paternity. Surely everyone goes into a relationship believing it will be forever, even if it does not pan out that way.

No it doesn't change paternity at all. Of course. And I agree about the relationship part. But I think nowadays we're way past the point of all children taking their father's name, relationships don't always last forever, and I have just as much right to stake my claim to our baby's surname as OH does. After all, baby is 50% my creation, equal to OH...

arthur_dent_2

Ok all of what you have said is true, I just feel that it is wrong for a child to have the mothers name it is not about ownership it is about long term commitment.

JimmyTheWig

arthur_dent wrote: »

I am sorry, but I have to disagree with most of the posters and say that of course the child should have the fathers surname. I truly cannot see why anyone who is having a baby and is sure of paternity would want any different. You may aswell say I love you now but who knows we might break up in the future, it is hardly a connitment to the father if you can't even allow his child his name.

Good for you for stating your opinion and risking being shot down in flames. BUT I totally disagree with you.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. I don't see how your argument can't be turned around and say that he has no commitment to her if he can't even allow her child her name?

OP...
I think you need to ask yourself some questions and answer them honestly (to yourself, at least - we don't need to know the answers if you don't want to give them publicly).
1. Do you think you will be with this man for the rest of your life (or at least, say, the next 16 years)?
If not, who would probably be the main carer of the child - the child should take that name. End of story. But unfortunately you would have to use this in your argument, which might not go down too well.
2. Do you think you will get married to this man at some point?
If not you can try the "I've carried it, so I deserve to pass on my name" line, but if you plan to raise the child together that might sound a bit harsh. In this case I'd say double barrell the child's name.
3. If you get married, what name will you use?
3a. You could keep your name and he keeps his (sounds fair, it's symmetrical) and you are in the same position with the baby's name as in 2.
3b. You could take his name, in which case you may as well give the baby his name now.
3c. He could take your name (by deedpoll) [why not - no different to you taking his?], in which case you may as well give the baby your name now.
3d. You could double-barrell either for you or for you and OH, in which case it would make sense to double-barrell the baby's name now.
3e. You could make up a new name for you all (either a contraction of your two names or something completely different) (again with deedpoll), and the baby (and the older children, father permitting) could take the new name.

From what you've said, 3e or 3c sound like the sensible options to me.

It's only a name, at the end of the day. If it is causing this much grief you need to come to a compromise.

rosie-lee

With regard to changing your name. Can you not sort of go by both names? OH & I are not married but because we have kids, school, their dentist, etc etc just call me Mrs xx, a presumption that I take no offence to. I just answer to it.

I just couldn't be bothered to go to all the hassel of changing my passport, driving licence, bank accounts etc and would just carry on as normal but for people who know that you are married and if your speaking to someone and giving them your name, booking a table, shops etc just give your name as Mrs xx.

Hopefully your OH would be happy that you use his name and are 'known as Mrs (his surname), but you can retain your own identity.

Just for info, on a child birth certificate, death certificate etc, you can be put down as, for example

Janet Rose SMITH (married name)
also known as
Janet Rose BROWN (the name you have now and want to keep)

just thought that might be a happy compromise for you.