Can't agree on baby's surname!

Milford_Cubicle

To the OP:

Personally I'd want the baby to take my name until I marry the father then have it changed. If it's definite you'll be getting married, then give the father's name to the baby. It seems unnecessarily complicated and it doesn't seem fair your OH is refusing to budge and see your side of things.


On the surname issue, I have a little bit of a quandry I'd like some help with please!

I was married back in 1999. We had a daughter, then the marriage broke down and we divorced. I chose to keep my married name (I'm now a Ms) as I wanted to have the same name as my daughter, plus my ex-parents-in-law remained very close to me and helped me through some difficult times my own parents weren't interested in helping me through. My daughter stays with nana and grandad 3 days per week and they're like second parents to her. Her dad isn't that interested, he sees her once a week for 20 minutes.

Anyway, I now have a wonderful partner who I'll be marrying next year.
I'm planning to hypenate my name as I'd like to keep the same name as my daughter and I also want to take my partner's name. He's quite happy about this, however he's going to keep his own name and not hyphenate which again, is fine and makes sense.
Now, the quandry is regarding my daughter. I'm entirely happy for her to keep her original surname and I'd also like her to take my partner's surname, hyphenated like mine. She absolutely adores her step-dad to be and has expressed on more than one occasion that she wishes he were her real dad. I approached the subject of a name change with her and she wasn't interested in the idea. Even though she's 7, she's quite mature for her age and I try to involve her in any major family decisions. I'd really like her to have the same name as me...should I just go ahead and hypenate her name as ultimately it's my choice or should I respect her wishes and let her stay with the single surname? I think in time she'd get used to it and when she gets older be proud to have both names when she understands the significance.

Apologies for length, but what do you reckon?

Alex_of_Swansea

If I understand correctly the traditions of the woman taking her husband's surname was to show that she was his property, effectively - or maybe someone can correct me on this?

If I may join in, not really. It was more to show that he was going to be taking care of her from now on, not her father. So he would be providing for her, and loving her. I took my husband's name three years ago (I'm 25yrs old), and we both provide for each other. And we're linked in people's minds through our name.
Maybe your OH feels the same. That with his name, people will know who is looking after his children, that he is their father and they belong to him. Men still have this masculine thing and if he took your surname, maybe he wouldn't feel like the man-provider (using men are from mars psychobabble now. :S).
Just a thought. x

Reggie_Rebel

Scary Wife and I have been married for fifteen years, neither of us were married previously. Scary Wife took my surname (she wanted to I daren't argue)

Our two children have our surname.

Who do I claim compensation from?

Jo_R_2

Milford_Cubicle wrote: »

To the OP:

Personally I'd want the baby to take my name until I marry the father then have it changed. If it's definite you'll be getting married, then give the father's name to the baby. It seems unnecessarily complicated and it doesn't seem fair your OH is refusing to budge and see your side of things.


On the surname issue, I have a little bit of a quandry I'd like some help with please!

I was married back in 1999. We had a daughter, then the marriage broke down and we divorced. I chose to keep my married name (I'm now a Ms) as I wanted to have the same name as my daughter, plus my ex-parents-in-law remained very close to me and helped me through some difficult times my own parents weren't interested in helping me through. My daughter stays with nana and grandad 3 days per week and they're like second parents to her. Her dad isn't that interested, he sees her once a week for 20 minutes.

Anyway, I now have a wonderful partner who I'll be marrying next year.
I'm planning to hypenate my name as I'd like to keep the same name as my daughter and I also want to take my partner's name. He's quite happy about this, however he's going to keep his own name and not hyphenate which again, is fine and makes sense.
Now, the quandry is regarding my daughter. I'm entirely happy for her to keep her original surname and I'd also like her to take my partner's surname, hyphenated like mine. She absolutely adores her step-dad to be and has expressed on more than one occasion that she wishes he were her real dad. I approached the subject of a name change with her and she wasn't interested in the idea. Even though she's 7, she's quite mature for her age and I try to involve her in any major family decisions. I'd really like her to have the same name as me...should I just go ahead and hypenate her name as ultimately it's my choice or should I respect her wishes and let her stay with the single surname? I think in time she'd get used to it and when she gets older be proud to have both names when she understands the significance.

Apologies for length, but what do you reckon?

Hmm... When you approached her with the subject of possibly changing her name, what did you say? Was it along the lines of you saying you'd like to change her name, or asking her if she'd like to?

I think it speaks volumes at any rate what she's said about how she feels about her stepfather. And also it's hard to know sometimes what to do with kids and stuff like this - we look after them because they are kids, yet some of the thoughts and feelings they come out with seem way beyond their years.

What if you left the subject, said to her you would like it very much if her and mummy had the same name but it's up to her? She might stick with her name, or 'see' you changing your name and want to change hers, and that could be when you marry or a few months/years down the line.

Jo_R_2

carbonmonoxide wrote: »

Hi Jo-R

I'm glad my previous comments were of some help and hope you and your OH can discuss this further and he can explain more why he wants the baby to have his surname.

Just one thing that is confusing me in this thread. Why does everyone refer to their children as DS? What does that stand for

DS = darling son

DD = darling daughter

So DD1 means first daughter, DD2 second daughter and so on.

Then DSD would = darling step daughter, and you get the gist...!

Milford_Cubicle

Jo_R wrote: »

Hmm... When you approached her with the subject of possibly changing her name, what did you say? Was it along the lines of you saying you'd like to change her name, or asking her if she'd like to?

I think it speaks volumes at any rate what she's said about how she feels about her stepfather. And also it's hard to know sometimes what to do with kids and stuff like this - we look after them because they are kids, yet some of the thoughts and feelings they come out with seem way beyond their years.

What if you left the subject, said to her you would like it very much if her and mummy had the same name but it's up to her? She might stick with her name, or 'see' you changing your name and want to change hers, and that could be when you marry or a few months/years down the line.

I asked her if she wanted to change her name. I may do what you suggest and tell her it'd make me very happy if she took the same name I do.
There's plenty of time as the wedding isn't until late next year but I was considering sorting out the deed polls beforehand.

pboae

Milford_Cubicle wrote: »

I asked her if she wanted to change her name. I may do what you suggest and tell her it'd make me very happy if she took the same name I do.
There's plenty of time as the wedding isn't until late next year but I was considering sorting out the deed polls beforehand.

You will also need to have her biological father's permission to change her name by deed poll. Even if he doesn't have legal parental responsibility, if he has regular contact he can apply to court to have your decision over turned if you change it against his wishes.

Milford_Cubicle

Thanks for that

I have no intention of asking his permission, he's going to be informed if it happens.

He wouldn't go to court because he's liable to shoot himself in the foot if he did - he's not been a good boy for several years and I don't think it'll be too much longer before he ends up in trouble. I'm on the cusp of stopping all access, but that's a whole other story.