MONEY MORAL DILEMMA. Should you continue to send birthday presents?

shadej

two of my sisters never buy my son birthday or xmas presents but I always buy for their children. I am not buying it for them its for their kids. I am sure if the children had their way they would buy for each other. I had once thought to stop but I cant bring myself to do it.

fedupfreda

suzanandboys wrote: »

This is one close to my heart, a few years ago BIL decided that the whole family shouldn't send Xams presents to each other, as he couldn't afford it.. this was a day after he had bought a £1.5K tv, told us about the expensive restaurant he goes to etc!!! He has no children and has always resented his mum giving each Person £20 for Xmas as those with children get more money per family! I say no more!

So true, it's always those with money who know the price of everything but the value of nothing...:mad:

In my own situation my BIL is the better off one, he stopped getting DS1 &DS2 Xmas and birthday presents 2 years ago, not even a card, when the boys did get a present it would often be late as BIL had dropped it off round his mums so she would have to deliver it, and she's a pensioner...:mad:

I have continued to send cards and gift vouchers (niece and nephew are teenagers so it's easier this way) but this year I will just send a card. Its true the kids shouldn't suffer because of the parents but neither should I continue to bankrupt myself and therefore make my family suffer, after all times are getting harder for everyone. If he wants to complain he will get both barrels!:rolleyes:

Sorry rant over now.:o

barri_2

fad1211 wrote: »

i would stop being a mug and probably give cards only and stop the gifts. At the end of the day, your little ones would like to receive something from there aunt/uncle. I dont give to receive, and if my kids were to only receive a card, I would continue to get them cards and gifts. But if they cannot even give a card, for whatever reason, it just goes to show you and your kids are not highly valued or even appreciated.

By looking at the above posts, seems as if i am the only one with these views, but hey thats my opinion.

No, you are not alone. I agree. I think I would talk it out with a sister, if I had one, but anyway her kids are not to blame.

robpw2

yes you should you dont give to recieve
but i would worry that my giving is causing my sister embarrassment as she is unable to give back

grooley2

Send her a lovely 13th birthday card and present. It's all about the kids, I'm sure the daughter will appreciate it. The job's a good1!

martindoppelganger

Seems a little strange no-one has thought to ask if the unsender had forgotten to send originally. My sister is rubbish at remembering birthdays so i always remind her, then ask if she has posted a card/cheque. A direct answer would be if you have contact with your nieces/nephews then yes, if you dont know them and you have no relationship with your sibling then no present just a card which, with postage, you can send for under £1. If you have a good relationship with your siblings the situation wouldnt arise, even skint people could but 20p in a public phonebox to wish someone happy birthday

just22

Who are all these people deciding to stop giving to their neices and nephews because of other people's behaviour. Do you realise how petty that is?

My boyfriend has a six year old niece who I've never actually met because she lives half way across the world, but I still send her a card with hair clasps or something similar for her birthday and Christmas, and will probably do so until she's grown up regardless of whether she ever thanked me.

He also has a son who lives with us. Despite his son's mother being useless and this year forgetting his birthday, I made an extra card and placed one of my gifts for him with it. Again, this is quite possibly a scenario I'll be repeating for the next 15 years.

That's what you do with children, you protect them from the obscenities of being an adult, you don't teach them with petty squabbles and grudges.

jooleybooley

It is easy to spot those on this thread who do not have children, or who are answering this question without the emotion to fully understand it.
What do you say to a child when they question why an uncle or aunt hasn’t brought them a present? Look at the question through a child’s eyes. Isn’t it really about them? Or is it really about bitterness?
You could say it is their right to ask. It is what children do until they grow the stiff upper lip of adulthood.
And it is sad that they hope, ‘Will uncle x or aunty y remember me this year?’ Because children aren’t stupid. They notice, and they feel hurt because, when it comes down to it, they can’t understand why their mummy loves their cousins enough to buy them presents, but their aunt and uncle don’t feel the same way about them. They feel rejected.
What is the answer? Be the bigger person? Yes, I have been for years. But is this at the expense of my own children? Am I showing them that their cousins are more popular and loved because they receive gifts from aunts and uncles - while they receive nothing? What is that doing to my own children?
Money moral questions are there because of the moral aspect. Who are the losers in the question?
If you are the one buying, then it is you and your children. Why? Because they get nothing and you get unhappy and harbour bitterness that appears every year on each Christmas and birthday.
What happens if your child invites everyone to their party, but time and time again you hear that no one has invited your daughter to theirs? Do you invite all the children again, just so they can ignore you daughter another year? And what if your child invited her class mates, and no one showed up on the day? She has to deal with the same rejection.
There is an unspoken moral code in life. Things like, you don’t go out with your best friend’s boyfriend, or that you can’t keep accepting drinks without buying a round yourself.
I am one of ten cousins who got married over the years, and we each invited all our cousins to the wedding and reception. But when cousin ’A’ got married last year, he didn’t invite any of us to the reception. We all had the same money concerns of paying for a wedding, and all of us were slightly put out that he took and took from us all, enjoying our food and hospitality, and then didn’t return the kindness.
On a child’s birthday, we want people to ‘remember’ our child. That they are acknowledged as being as special as we know they are. Parent’s emotions run deep, right to the core, and to ignore our child is a stab in the heart.
Are their children more important to you than your own? Are their feelings and worries more important to you than your own children?
For those without children who buy for others, then continue if it gives you pleasure as it did for me. But remember this thread on the day you hold your own child wonder why there is no sign anyone with their gift. Sadly, it happens.
When you buy an outfit for a new baby, you are not buying it because the baby likes the colour, but because you think the mother will like it and take pleasure in seeing it on her baby. Not buying a gift for a child could be like a slap to the mother. Sometimes, it is viewed as one.
How can you look a sister-in-law in the eye when she tells you how much she has spent on one niece, and then will blatantly let your children’s birthday’s pass by?
How do you explain to your little boy why you are wrapping up another ace action figure for your nephew, when your nephew’s mummy never got him anything?
When relations say they are broke, then turn up in a new car - each - the following week. When year after year you save the pennies for gifts for their families, even through redundancy, ill health - and a simple sadness in that knowing while their children’s eyes will light up at their presents, your children are forgotten or simply ignored.
It is important to remember that a gift is just a material thing; but it is the ‘act of giving’ that shows we care, that we love, and that the person means something to us.
If we are ignored - if our child is ignored, then the questions they ask are, ‘did I do something wrong?’ or, ‘don’t they like/love me?’
So what do I do? Am I really the bigger person because I buy for my nieces and nephews? After all, this is not about me and them or who is the bigger person, but about our children and all they perceive in life.
What do my children think? Well, as they are older now, ranging from 9 - 14, they just think that a particular aunt and two uncles are … well, they don’t like to talk about how they feel. They go quiet, silently acknowledging a painful rejection. They stopped asking why two years ago. They don’t feel that way because they didn’t get a gift, but because sometimes they weren’t remembered at all, even with a card or call. They remember the lies though: ‘I’ll pop in tomorrow to see you …’ or ‘… I’ve seen the perfect thing for you …’ or ‘what size shoe are you? cos I’ve seen something you’d love!’ and nothing ever materialises.
That is a cruel thing to do to children. To raise their hopes. Especially if one has Aspergers, and remembers every promise from every aunt or uncle and every gift ever given and by who - and not given by who.
Of course, my children still love their aunt and uncles and it’s hugs all around when we see them - big hugs filled with love and joy - but they will have memories from their childhood, from when they should have been happiest, that will be tinged with a little sadness.
So what should I do? And typing this post has helped me make up my mind. I will concentrate on my own little family. If family members have ducked out of ‘giving,’ then I respect that now, and will bow out myself. Concede to their way of thinking. After all, their way of thinking will rub off on their own children (it’s in the lack of thank-yous) and I will give all my children a happy birthday, so they don’t notice those who don’t show, but concentrate on those who do.
I have lived through this dilemma, and seen the situation through a child’s eyes and as a young niece, then as a teenager, then as a woman, a mother, an aunt, and a sister-in-law. This post covers all feelings and spans emotions and thoughts from decades of watching bitterness in families when one or two family members will take, take, take, take, and … nothing.
I hope there is someone else out there who can relate to this and know that their feelings are just what makes us human. I’m not a ranting person, I am the giving person in my family. I’m the one who never misses birthdays or Christmas’s. Read this post again … for all my giving, does it make me truly happy?
Take care to all, from a new poster
J x

judy_scott

Yes, I would always send a card and a present if I could afford it regardless of what my sister did, I'd ask her to send my kids a card though, they don't need to cost a lot and even better than buying one, make it!!:D :j

Wings_of_Ambition

Send a card, sod the presents. You can't be accused of not sending anything. There are posters saying "It's not the kids' fault". Well... it's not your kids' fault either that they're not receiving anything off your sister.

People who expect presents, when offering nothing in return, don't deserve anything. Income is irrelevant. You can get 20 cards for a quid. Not sending one, especially to family, is just plain rude.

It may be seen as immature to go along the lines of "well if you're not sending one, neither am I", but anyone who continues to give when they receive no gratitude is, quite simply, a mug.