MONEY MORAL DILEMMA. Should you continue to send birthday presents?

cozzie

This situation applies to me.

My sister and I haven't spoken for 2/3 yrs. She and her partner both work f/t, where as, I am student on a v low income. Yet, I manage to send my neice either a pressie or some monies to buy something for herself, along with a card each year for her bday and xmas.

My son however, has never even recieved a card from them, let alone a pressie or gift.

I agree with others. I am adult enough to choose as to wether or not I am a good aunt and what cousinly/auntie relations my child and I want with my niece is upto to us to choose to the best of the options available to us, between us, what my sister chooses and gives her daughter the option to do is entirely upto her.

cozzie

bigpat wrote: »

Further to my earlier comment, am I the only one round here who thinks cards are a waste of money?

Absolutlely not!! I hate the damn things with avengeance.

Why send a piece of card to say something which you could say so easily without?

Yet, I also understand the other point of view. And, nowadays, if sending a folded piece of card proves so much importance in your rituals then why not, it can be afforded for 29p at cheap card shops.

Basically, whatever your principals (which I completely understand, wether or not I agree with), there are no excuses for the neglect of an innocent child and their perception of people/relatives.

Emily_Hall08

cotsvale wrote: »

My children have 3 aunts and uncles.
1 Very poor, 1 middle income, 1 on £600,000+ per year
Not only do they all forget my 2 children they forget me too. I'd be happy with an email - just to be remembered.

I decided I wanted to send because I love my nieces and nephews all 5 of them, but I do have a limit. I send until they are 18 and then again at 21 for birthdays and up to age 18 at Christmas. I only send a tenner as that is all I can afford and £20 at 18 and 21.

I think it's funny how 18 and 21 are made into such 'big birthdays'
poor old 19...

Emily_Hall08

I'm sure I'd still send a card. I almost always make my cards. Though I do buy them the odd time, when I'm pushed for time/remember their birthday at the last minute. I feel proud to send a handmade card as I think (hope..) it will mean so much more
In the situation mentioned, I'm not sure if I'd send a gift. Maybe something small that'd fit in the envelope (hate paying postage!) like cheap jewelery, stickers.. a token gift! I agree with the thanks thing.. we always had to write letters (though usually full of lies, as I rarely liked the presents very much... ) and since then I always give them a ring.

therichnessinside

I think that first thing I would do, would be to phone for a friendly chat and during the conversation gently find out if there are any issues I'm not aware of. Cos people are funny. Maybe they've fallen out with me or something, and big insensitive me hasn't realised. Or maybe they've developed some strange hang-up with presents. But after checking, if I decide they just can't be bothered, then I'd probably stop sending pressies. But I'd still send cards, because otherwise I may be making an issue of it and start a feud accidentally. A similar situation happened to me a few years ago with an old friend who has a child. I always sent them Xmas pressies and she'd send me something really Tiny or else not-at-all. I got quite resentful and bit emotional about it. Despite what I said above, I couldn't talk to her about it, partly as I had got so resentful, but also cos we never actually talked on phone, just letters, and it is harder by letter isn't it. And the written word is 'evidence' to be held against me maybe!. So I didn't find out if she she had any strange probs with it all. But I stopped sending pressies. However the result - at the moment - is that we've lost contact. She doesn't write or send cards at all. She used to send occasional sweet letters or, as I say, the odd cheap present to me. So we've pretty much lost contact at the moment. It could be a very high price to pay. This can get pretty emotive. Good luck!! :cool::cool::j

Edproofreader

The main thing to consider is whether you actually like your sister's children ; if you do, and want to show your feelings towards them, do so in a way that is proportionat to how you feel. Easier said than done, I know, but aim to take your sister out of the equation, and concentrate on the relationship that you and they have.

magicgirl

i think bday cards and pressies are rubbish. we give to family when there is something they need or want. not cos some commercial giant tells us we should. ooohh - does that make me the 'bad' auntie?? lol

peanut1964

Yes, I would still continue to send cards and presents, and I have. The financial status of the parents should not mean that young children miss out, even with a card.
Having a close loving family is more important than material items.
My children have made hand made cards, which have more meaning. If the children are young they would probably enjoy making cards for their cousins.
As for presents, my mum only got a small christmas stocking containing a colouring book, with a few crayons, and two pieces of fruit. Young children think today that to be loved they have to receive hundreds of pounds worth of NOTHING.
I know families that go into debt for months to give their children all the christmas presents that they want. I always say "Want don't get"

My children are 22, 18, & 16, they don't (WANT) they are well adjusted young adults, who appreciate whatever we give them.

PenguinsMadeMeDoIt

I have a similar issue, but with my Dad!

His birthday falls a little way (3 wks) after mine, and I had the idea to get him and his partner tickets to the Goodwood Revival as a b-day gift (costing £100+ for the 2 tickets), saying we'd go along too, make a day of it, pack a picnic etc.

They ummed and aaahed about whether they were free, then said "yes" just before my birthday.

I didn't get the tickets right away, then for my birthday I received a jar of Next moisturiser - nice, but clearly regifted, and an Oasis top - no tags, again, clearly recycled (and the wrong size).

I know I sound a little petty, but I'm single mum now, on a decent income, but struggling (as we all are) enough - they have 2 incomes, a business and a stunning house owned outright, doesn't seem quite right to me.

I didn't get the tickets in the end, excused myself by saying they'd sold out.

My mum is on a very low wage, struggling, and every birthday (including her ex husband's!) she goes out of her way to buy LOADS of little things she thinks they'll like. Normally she's miles off, but I so appreciate the love she puts into it, that means everything. And every birthday/Xmas/MD I make sure I spoil her.

Sorry - that was a bit of a rant, this gift thing's a complex issue!

PS I'd say: Not the children's fault, and I'd continue to give them token gifts at least till 18.

chamagirl

Hi all

Interesting comments.

We haven't been brought up to give cards or presents in our family but to do a good deed to someone more unfortunate and thereby think of others, not ourselves. Not from this country.
We do not recognise birthdays or holidays. We celebrate family life by getting together and being thankful for our relatives.