MONEY MORAL DILEMMA. Should you continue to send birthday presents?

Dorrie

Bigpat - although I understand what you are saying, and many cards are way over-priced nowadays, I love receiving cards and have kept virtually all the birthday/Christmas/Anniversary cards that I have received. I either stick them in scrapbooks or make sure each year's are kept together with an elastic band. I do, very occasionally, look through them. I wasn't sure why I was doing this, other than some of the cards are very beautiful, but after my grandmother died, it was comforting to look at the last card she had sent me. Also it brings back memories when you are looking through old cards.

Josie64

we recently had this situation for real, hubby's neice, it was her 18th and we sent a card and a present as well (we spent money which should have gone on bills, so yes it caused arguments) the present only cost £10 but I only wanted to send a card, why because for years on birthdays hubby gets a card and me and son don't which I find petty, either you bother with all the family or none of them. When it was my son's 18th he didn't even get a text message saying happy birthday from hubby's side of the family.

Natalie6999

Susan_Frost wrote: »

The thing is, did you have a chat with them before Christmas to explain your situation and what you were going to do. If it dropped on them on Christmas morning, then, although their reaction sounds extreme, it was probably not handled the right way from the start. At 26 and 34 they are old enough to approach as adults, and them to understand and accept. The fact that they are step-nieces means nothing, it sounds as though your BIL has accepted them as his for years.

But presents stopping at 18 etc.... each family should just do it their own way.

Maybe we didn't go about it the right way, but the way my brother in law reacted was not justified. We just did not have enough money to be able to buy gifts for his step children & our own son as well, surely he should have understood that our own son had to come first. We did not expect them to buy gifts for our son, but to walk straight past us in the street & blank us is frankly childish & carrying a grudge too far.

Susan_Frost

I agree, they were way out of line with their reaction. There's no excuse for such bad manners. And for him to continue it after the event, makes it very difficult to re-establish a future relationship. Wonder how he would react if something really dire happened in his life.

Valli

bigpat wrote: »

Further to my earlier comment, am I the only one round here who thinks cards are a waste of money? I got this attitude from my mother (who raised 5 of us, practically without a pot to you-know-what.) Her opinion and mine is that you can say with words and actions anything that can be said on a card and say it better. The only cards she ever sends people are Christmas cards and that's because she sort of "HAS" to. She wont risk offending those who don't know her attitude.

My parents have never sent any of us birthday cards, and when I broke tradition and sent her one for her 70th birthday, she admonished me for being so wasteful with my money! She does send gifts for her grandchildren but absolutely cannot see the point of cards.

She still lives in Co. Tipperary where I grew up and even though I can call Ireland for 0.5p a minute thanks to Martin's CallChecker, she still writes to me once a month or so with news (that I've already heard!) and I try to write now and again, because she loves it so. That shows time and effort put in, not just grabbing a card off the shelf at Asda, scrawling my name on it and posting it.

Several years ago, my kids cottoned onto my attitude and in the runup to my birthday and Father's Day I always tell them that the best present they could give me is to show they know how to watch their pennies. And they can always get creative and MAKE a card.

Right...back down off my soapbox now!

round here you can buy 10 nice cards for £1!

Valli

Josie64 wrote: »

we recently had this situation for real, hubby's neice, it was her 18th and we sent a card and a present as well (we spent money which should have gone on bills, so yes it caused arguments) the present only cost £10 but I only wanted to send a card, why because for years on birthdays hubby gets a card and me and son don't which I find petty, either you bother with all the family or none of them. When it was my son's 18th he didn't even get a text message saying happy birthday from hubby's side of the family.

My family would send cards/gifts up to age 18...it needs to be discussed before it happens - a friend of mine stopped sending to niece/nephew after 18 so they didn't send to her kids straight away! And they aren't 18 yet...

Talk folks talk!

Xenos

I agree, this is a no-brainer.

Get on the phone to your sister and ASK here what she would prefer. If she is short of money, then you can agree something fair, e.g. you'll just send cards. It's making assumptions that causes problems, and yes, that includes assuming that your family members will be understanding of your circumstances!

It never ceases to amaze me how many families end up having massive feuds just because they've never actually ASKED each other what would be the right thing to do!!

lilytuliprose

I think that if one sister has stopped sending pressies and cards then the other sister should talk to her about it. It may be that she is trying to hint that they'd like to stop but isn't sure what to say.
What ever the case, if you don't talk about things, anything, it can turn nasty for absolutly no reason what so ever!

Euphemia_2

I'm afraid it would depend on my attitude towards the sister. I have two sisters, one of whom I like very much and the other I don't get on with. If it were the sister towards whom I'm favourably inclined, I would continue to send presents. If it were the other one, tough luck!

aixhollybop

I am the sister who does have an awful memory and although has very good intentions to send presents at birthday time - the dates always pass me by even though I have a calendar to remind me! In my defence, I do eventually catch up with all neices/nephews (8 of them) though it may actually be 3 weeks after the event.... I think now all of them have a running joke that I will be the last one to send a present! My sisters have never taken me aside to have a 'talking' to, so I hope they have a chuckle too - or there could be a feud going on without me actually knowing about it!!!!

These posts have made me think though and I'd hate for them to be talking about me behind my back - so i may just make a little more effort in future, they still buy things for my kids (3 of them) so I know it's not got to that stage yet!!!!!