MONEY MORAL DILEMMA. Should you continue to send birthday presents?

MadMags_2

Don't give to get - that's what I was taught! If you want to give someone something it's your decision, don't do it on the basis you may get payback or a reciprocal gift - that's wrong!
In this situation, though I think I might be inclined to tactfully check in case sister is feeling uncomfortable being the recipient and not being in a position to buy for her nieces/nephews.

She may be longing for you to stop doing it!

Hillary_Smith

Yes I would still send a Birthday card in this situation.I personally don't send to receive.
However if there are other problems within the family this could change my view.

AliSass

Giving presents is not about how much you spend. My nan had twenty odd grandchildren and at christmas we got a bottle of bubble bath or something like that but we all got something.

In this instance I suggest that both parties agree to stop the present thing altogether for a couple of reasons, the main one being that if you are sending something in the post you do not have the joy of giving it anyway. As the children get older, it is likely that you are not aware of their interests and what they already have or would like anyway and it is just easier to agree not to bother. I say no more presents!

ALI1973

We have always bought for our nieces and nephews even when nothing was returned, however, things have changed since we have had our own children but only on DHs side of the family. When DH and I were both working (I am a SAHM now) we used to get "orders" from DHs sisters (he also has a brother) as to their childrens requirements, which we always did our best to accommodate (they NEVER say thankyou). Since our children tho, it has been a very different story (even tho their children have grown and they now work too), we actually sat and watched our children be given very cheap nasty toys (and yes they did say thankyou) while our other neice and nephew were given rather expensive gifts. Fortuately, our girls were too young to notice, but it really hurt my feelings. So Im afraid since then I am MEAN, I spend as little as possible just sufficient to acknowledge the event, that way I am not too bothered when they do not acknowledge my kids (I always buy a some little bits extra and say that its from auntie so ana so). Its so different in my family, as now that my sisters are able they buy a small but nice gift, and also my oldest niece now buys a gift for my daughters, which is lovely as we no longer buy as shes over 18. I will ALWAYS send a card and encourage my kids to say thankyou for whatever they receive, it just good manners.

PS. DH asked one of his sisters if there was a problem regarding gifts, and she said that she felt that we must have more money than them so she felt it was ok to expect us to spend more on her kids. When he said that as I no longer worked she probably was much better off than us, she just shrugged :mad:.

So, I would ask if there was a problem (kindly), but most likely just send a card in future.Phew! glad thats off my chest :rotfl:

Morporkian

I havent read all of the replies, as I dont have the time right now. I did read some on the first page though and Im a little shocked at some.

Just because a sibling "doesnt bother" with gifts or cards, it doesnt mean that your own thought for your Niece/Nephew(s) should be changed.

I always buy something for both of my brothers' children - and also for my brother's other halfs son. I WANT to do it. I ENJOY doing it. It isnt dependant on them buying things for my daughter. I am the same with my friends' children. In fact, that is what Im like for everyone. It doesnt matter how big or small it is, I just enjoy finding something I think the person will like. (Even if its just a brilliant, if very overpriced, card. Like a couple Ive bought for my Mum's other half. They were musical ones very well suited to him. Cost a lot, but worth it for the smile!)

However, I am on the side of Dorrie, from page 1. If the person Ive bought something for doesnt seem appreciative in any way, then I probably wouldnt bother for at least one celebration (birthday, christmas, anniversary etc).
I am only 23 and I too was brought up to appreciate anything we were given by people. Christmas day consisted of opening presents (and keeping the tags to know who they were from) and then phoning each person that day to say thank you, before having our dinner. I still do it now, for birthday's and christmas. Granted with life being busier these days I might not call right away, but it will be done within one week - and that is the very latest!

So in answer to this question: Yes, I would continue to buy gifts. I would probably talk to the sibling and let them know how I felt about the sudden stop of a card/phone call to my child(ren) but it would not impact my own decision to spoil my loved ones

purplefiona

I would continue to send cards, and suggest that I set up a savings account for the kids and put £5 each birthday into it- just a little amount- but handier than gifts and encourages the kids to be better off when older.

Ironia

As she is a new teen, I would sent a card congratulating her on her 13th. But generally I think it depends whether you have active relationships. Do the two families see each other, or write or phone if you are too far away? Many people have relatives they have nothing in common with, not least siblings who live very different lives after each marries. I don't think your sister's silence is directly to do with not being able to afford cards or a small gift, but lack of interest, or even that she resents your being better off. The fact that you don't seem to have discussed the question of cards/presents with her indicates that there may not be much of a relationship there, but if you like the 13-yr old for herself, why not tell her you would love to hear from her? See if she responds.

stef240377

For me i would continue to send to my neices and nephews etc whether i have fallen out with family or there is no money to reciprocate why should the children go without. I do draw a line at having to send even a card now from my children to their cousins (dads side of the family) This is because i split with the kids dad over 11 years ago and up until last xmas i always sent cards and presents most of the time this was because he was in prison and unable to so thought it only far they still got from their uncles family. He went on to get a job brick laying after finishing an NVQ and still failed to provide them with anything as he had got resigned to the fact i would do it so out of principle i stopped it. I NEVER got a thank you for anything they were bought only muttered 'money would have ben better' comments. Im glad i stopped though because its a financial strain i no longer have to worry about.

suzanandboys

This is one close to my heart, a few years ago BIL decided that the whole family shouldn't send Xams presents to each other, as he couldn't afford it.. this was a day after he had bought a £1.5K tv, told us about the expensive restaurant he goes to etc!!! He has no children and has always resented his mum giving each Person £20 for Xmas as those with children get more money per family! I say no more!

I still give my neice and Nephews presants, we are beter off than my other SIL and family and would totally understand if they couldnt afford to give to us , Though I would expect a card, I like buying and treating realtives so we dont give to give back, I like to involve my children in what present they think are suitable, and they have to write thank you letters.

I've not got 1 thank you leter from my Godson now 13 so his present days are numbered!

As a child some of my great presants were a bag of shinny new 2p conins from a great auntie that she saved all year and another great auntie or annual box of milk tray, the thought was there and apreciated. Presents dont have to be of monetary value, Time with the child can be just as valuable, not sending anything is like saying no thought, no care!

stitch626_2

It's not the child's fault so i would continue to give.