Am I just not cut out to be a mom?

beckseven

I've been reading this post with interest. It's a very emotive subject and it's created a lot of debate. My DS is two and a half and I'm expecting my second baby in January. Before I had my DS I took it for granted that I would be going back to work full time and the baby would be looked after by my mum for two days and then three days in nursery. It all seemed so simple! When I took my maternity leave I had 6months off and suddenly realised how much this little baby had changed my life and my thinking. When the time came back to work I was literally sobbing at my desk-me who has always prided myself on my no nonsense, hard nosed approached at work-and huge great sobs as well! In the end I ended up working 4 days a week-the least i could do financially and yes it has been tough-my mum had cancer so has not been able to look after DS and ideally I would like to work 2.5 days a week. However, I've found that for me I did benefit from having a bit of time to myself at work-sounds strange but I feel that for me it makes my time with dS quality time. I am going to have longer off with the second baby though-perhaps a year and then I am going to retrain as a teacher with a graduate teacher programmes as I want to do something more rewarding than my current job and ideally will fit round the school holidays. It's not easy being a working mum and equally it's not easy being a SAHM but having kids is the best thing that has happened to me and has changed my life. Personally for me I was not ready at 26( I had my first at 31) but I have friends who are fantastic mums of two at 24 and equally friends who are fantastic first time mums at 40. Go with your heart-in my opinion going to work for 3 days a week is perfectly acceptable. Good luck!

plumtreebabe

People will tell you what's best based on what THEY do, and anything different is wrong -its not wrong, its just different. Everyone has to do what is right for them and their family and their circumstances. Before I had children I had a rather pious view that mum should stay at home full time and look after the children, and when I had my daughter, I did for eighteen months. Then I became a little restless, and found a part time job, which was just enough to pay for those one off expenses as they crop up and stopped us racking up the credit card (e.g washing machine, fixing the car etc).

If you are in a good well-paid job, or one that you really enjoy, or one that you need to be in financially you may need to go back to hang on to it. And if you need to go back to it full time then full time it is. Goodness knows in this day and age you'll never get it back once you resign. Children will flourish in a stable, happy environment, whether in a nursery, with granny or at home, and will benefit from parents who also happy and fulfilled. And it is a good role model for both boys and girls - what is the point of girls

My OH and I both work part time - him 4 days a week as a teacher, and me on casual hours but not guaranteed. It gives me a chance to take part in another bit of the real world (raising a child is also part of the real world) where I am not defined by being a mother, but by the years of experience and knowledge I built up when I worked full time. I mix with a different group of people - for some reason mums are supposed to get on with each other in social groups, but if you took away the children most of us would have nothing in common with each other!

Whatever you choose, do what you and your partner feel happiest with, and don't worry about anyone else. If you're asked about you're plans just give a vague answer - 'you haven't decided yet' or something like that.

Good luck!

onlyroz

I spent many many years getting qualified to do the job that I do, and I'm now in a well paid job that I enjoy. I don't see why I should be made to feel bad for not wanting to give all of that up for the sake of my kids.

When my son was born I was still writing my my thesis - he went into a nursery part-time from 6 months and full time from 9 months old. He's now three and I think he has benefited greatly from constantly being around other children. My daughter is due in January and I'm planning on putting her into a nursery full time from 6 months.

Ultimately, the decision is yours, and you should not allow others to make you feel bad about your decision. There are many considerations, such as finances, or your own desire to be a full time mum or not. For us, we could probably afford for one of us to give up work, but we'd have to downgrade our property (3-bed end terrace) to a flat and make cut-backs on food, fuel, holidays etc. In our circumstances I think that the pros of us both working far out-way the cons.

mhe

You have to do what is best for you and what is achievable for you.

When I was pregnant with DS1 I was all for going back to work - not spent 4 years getting a degree to sit at home. When he turned up I cried buckets at 6months when I had to go back to work - but I HAD to go back - we'd never manahe on DH wages. Now DS2 and 3 have come along I'd love to be a SAHM but finances mean this is impossible. You dont need to decide if you are going back to work til after the baby is born. My children went to nursery 2 days and grandparents 3 days - who miss them when they are in nursery or school - and they seem to be normal and well adjusted (at least most of the time!!)

When you have the baby you will know what is best for you to do. Your mum and nan probably were SAHMs and think thats the norm and maybe your friend either dont like their jobs or have a job rather than a career. I find more people now are surprised when you are a SAHM rather than a working mum.

neverdespairgirl

cupid_s wrote: »

I’m 26, have been with husband for 7 years, married for 4 ½ We have recently been thinking about starting a family. Everyone we’ve spoken to about this just assumes I’ll give up work to be a SAHM and when I say I don’t want to give up my job they say they don’t agree with putting kids in childcare.

My view - there's nothing wrong with being a working mother, any more than there's anything wrong with being a working father.

Some women love being at home. My own mother did, she stayed at home to bring up her 4 children, of whom I'm the eldest, and I love and admire her deeply.

OH and I have a 3 year old son (I'm 31, he's 30). I work, and have done since he was quite young. So does OH. I couldn't stay at home with him full-time, much as I love him, and I really enjoy my work.

neverdespairgirl

RoxieW wrote: »

I just wanted to say I've worked and been a SAHM and it is a very difficult juggling act to balance children with a career - especially in their preschool years. It can be done but I found it less than ideal all round.

I know I only have one child, but I've not found it that hard.

neverdespairgirl

cupid_s wrote: »

I wish these were options. Absolutely no chance of working part time in this job. And in this field you dont have a career break - there is no such thing. If I put my career on hold I wouldn't have one to go back to unfortunately.

I too worry about how I'd balance it all though. I already feel as though there sometimes aren't enough hours in the day!

My job's like that - I'm a barrister. You can't just vanish for 4 years, there is nothing to come back to!

neverdespairgirl

cupid_s wrote: »

GFN123, DH luckily agrees exactly with me. He is so proud of what I've achieved, he's supported me through a PhD which I hated so much at times it gave me stomach ulcers with all the stress! He would be livid to think I'd gone through all that for nothing (which would be the case if I gave up my job to be a SAHM).

Sounds like my OH - and I certainly wouldn't stand for a "tea on the table when I get home" kind of bloke!

It can be done, honestly.

neverdespairgirl

MrsTine wrote: »

we're hoping to get an au pair who can not only help with cleaning but also look after baby during the week although both hubby and I can work from home often - and it's cheaper than nursery
Just something to think about!

Au pairs are limited to the number of hours - tehy aren't supposed to be full-time child carers.

neverdespairgirl

squashy wrote: »

As a mum, the single most important think to do for your baby is to breastfeed, if you can. This in itself is far better at protecting your baby from being ill than any nursery mixing etc. You say you intend to return to work as soon as you can. Currently, maternity leave is up to 12 months, with SMP paid for 9 months, although many employees offer a more generous package. It is recommend you BF for at least one year (the WHO recommend 2) so that would tie in perfectly.

I agree with you completely - but you can combine BF with working. I went back part-time when my son was 3 months old, and full-time when he was 6 months, but expressed all his milk until he was 15 months.