MSE Parent Club - Part 2

janey_uk

Not sure if this is allowed on here, but it brightened my inbox! Mods - no offence taken if this gets deleted!)

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.

Test 1 - Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:
1. Put on a drressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2 – Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3 – Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5 – Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6 - Going For a Walk
Wait. Go out the front door.
Come back in again. Go out.
Come back in again. Go out again.
Walk down the front path. Walk back up it.
Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk……..2 hours after you originally went to go out

Test 7 - Communication
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8 - Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children..

Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 10 – TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Night Garden, CBeebies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11 – Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.

Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13 - Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14 - Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY :rotfl:

nadnad

lol janey. and its all so very true.

Lu_T

I'm back with a wireless keyboard again!

You girls are making me feel bad about moaning about my (actually pretty amazing) in-laws. At least they mean well, not like some of the stories on here :eek:

It's OH's nan's 97th birthday tea today so we're all getting together. Planning to broach the "no Easter eggs" subject. At 2 she is just far too young to be eating half a dozen of the things. We will buy her one and ration it. If people really want to get her something they can put £1 in her piggybank. Or they can buy her Mini eggs and I will eat them all (it's the baby in my belly you understand..)

Are we the only meanies? I know a bit of chocolate doesn't hurt, but she's at MIL's 2 days a week and ALWAYS gets something - she was telling me all about it this morning!

Lwcus - thanks for the car seat info. It's the Britax we've been looking at, so [EMAIL="I@m"]I'm[/EMAIL] pleased it did well.

Sami_Bee

Lu_T wrote: »

I'm back with a wireless keyboard again!

You girls are making me feel bad about moaning about my (actually pretty amazing) in-laws. At least they mean well, not like some of the stories on here :eek:

It's OH's nan's 97th birthday tea today so we're all getting together. Planning to broach the "no Easter eggs" subject. At 2 she is just far too young to be eating half a dozen of the things. We will buy her one and ration it. If people really want to get her something they can put £1 in her piggybank. Or they can buy her Mini eggs and I will eat them all (it's the baby in my belly you understand..)

Are we the only meanies? I know a bit of chocolate doesn't hurt, but she's at MIL's 2 days a week and ALWAYS gets something - she was telling me all about it this morning!

Lwcus - thanks for the car seat info. It's the Britax we've been looking at, so I'm pleased it did well.

I'm a meany too I tell everyone "don't bother getting Chris any chocolate because he won't be eating it" I've still got buttons left from easter 08 at the back of the cupboard!
I tell them if they want to get him something a little book or some money in his bank would be most appreciated :cool:

Becles

Charlotte and the boys are still eating Christmas sweets, they'll last till Easter, and then by them time all the eggs are eaten, we'll be back to Halloween, which lasts till Christmas.......

Chocolate lasts for ages, so I just keep it out of sight and they are allowed small amounts now and again.

A friend had a baby girl yesterday and I've been looking at her pictures this morning. I'm seriously broody now

Sami_Bee

Beccles - would you have more? (please note I said you not would ur OH want u too ) I've always wanted 4

SusanC_2

Lu_T wrote: »

Planning to broach the "no Easter eggs" subject. At 2 she is just far too young to be eating half a dozen of the things. We will buy her one and ration it. If people really want to get her something they can put £1 in her piggybank. Or they can buy her Mini eggs and I will eat them all (it's the baby in my belly you understand..)

Are we the only meanies? I know a bit of chocolate doesn't hurt, but she's at MIL's 2 days a week and ALWAYS gets something - she was telling me all about it this morning!

No you're not. We don't let Alice have chocolate or biscuits and cake is limited (usually when we are at a cafe). We told OH's parents well in advance last year (although they probably wouldn't have done chocolate that early anyway) as we wanted to be sure we mentioned it before they bought stuff. They gave her some money in an Easter egg shaped tin instead. (We did say that it wasn't necessary to give anything but they wanted to.) I once actually took a piece of biscuit out of Alices mouth (which had been given to her by a freindly three year old) but that was only because it could have contained nuts and OH is allergic to peanuts.

Becles

Sami_Bee wrote: »

Beccles - would you have more? (please note I said you not would ur OH want u too ) I've always wanted 4

I always wanted 3. James was a toddler and we were actively trying for a third when my ex did off with someone else and left us.

Had Charlotte with my new husband, but there is a big age gap between her and the boys. They're 12 and 10 now, and she'll be 2 in May. Sometimes they play with her, like they were all playing with her tea set this morning while I washed the floor, but then the boys started playing COD5 on the Xbox so she was left out. It would be nice to have another one so she's got someone her own age to play with all the time.

Deep down I'd gladly have another two to be honest, but husband would have a fit if he read that

Curious_George_2

janey_uk wrote: »

Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.


Test 8 - Grocery Shopping[/B]
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children..

my favourites!
so true :rotfl:

money_maker_3

Sami_Bee wrote: »

:rotfl:
I remember my Nan getting all huffy over my cousin not being Christened - a reasonable reaction if it wasn't for the fact that the last time she'd been in a church was to see my Mum n Dad get married about 10yrs earlier :rolleyes:

My nan got really upset when DD was born as my then boyfriend (now hubby) was a catholic and she couldnt understand how we were going to christen her and get her into a school !!!

Where I am in N Ireland it was mostly catholic schools run by chapels or how to put it..... normal schools for everyone else????

That doesnt sound right, but you know what I mean !!!:rotfl: