ex and would be ex-gamblers support thread

james32_uk

cantcope wrote: »

Sorry to hear that Sandy. I agree totally with Riquel. Once you accept and admit you have no control it makes it a lot easier to deal with. Winnings for a problem gambler are only a short term loan. Even if you us your winnings to buy things inevitably you end up paying for them more than once anyway. Someone i know says anything he bought he would work for at least twice. He's have the money he'd earnt, go to buy something but gamble his earnings to try and win more, this never happened so he would have to earn the money again to get what he could have bought in the first place.
does that make sense? it does in my head...

James, lovely to see you on here. Been a while since we first spoke. Hope you are well xx

All good here. I get my 2 year pin at GA open meeting next week so am getting a bit nervous about what i'll say as mum will be with me. She normally blubs when she hears me speak there and we end up having quite a long conversation afterwards. It's good for both of us.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Sandy, brush yourself down and start again x

Hello CC! I'm good thanks. Over half way through my IVA now - it's downhill all the way.....

cantcope

Thats great to hear James i'm really happy for you.

Just want to respond to a couple of things on the post from mylastfiver.

I think it was me that wrote: we all love people that hurt us and let us down.
i wrote it because its true, it doesnt mean i think its right. If we got rid of everyone that did this to us in our lives chances are we would be very lonely.

I'm single because my partner did this and i was brave enough to finish it after it was apparent they would do it over and over again. But my parents, friends, siblings have all hurt me in the past or let me down. Does your posting mean i should get rid of them too??
We are human beings and while it would be lovely if we were never let down or hurt it just isnt realistic.

I think you are missing the point with TB. Her OH is a compulsive gambler and she wants him to get help. Many of us have posted on here that it's the addiction making him behave like this. If he can get a grip on the addiction, the chances are he can be a loving, reliable and honest person again.
TB is right in kicking him out at this stage as it might be the jolt he needs. We are not condoning what he's done, just pointing out that when this addiction takes hold it turns us into people we would rather not be. I would imagine the same applies for alcohol and drugs.
People can change if they want to, but we dont always get it right the first time or even the second.

last point from me for now: your post seems very anti men, on this thread its not about the sex of a person. Compulsive gambling doesnt discriminate and there are just as many women who treat their families like crap because of it. Not all of us have people around us to let down but from experience women are just as bad.
I know lots of women who leave their kids at home, alone all night while they go off to bingo or the casino for their fix and dont think about their kids at all. Yet without the addiction they wouldnt dream of doing this.

I hope this doesnt come across as insulting as thats not how its intended. I just wanted to stick up for the men (and women) who treat people like this because of an addiction, who i know and have seen can change into wonderful human beings, partners and parents.

TotallyBroke

MyLastFiver wrote: »

Now onto TotallyBroke. TB, there are one or two very clear messages coming through to me from the details of your life and relationships you have given on here. Sorry but what I have to say about them is harsh.

OH has now gambled £470 from my account this week and won £250. But it's ok because he went to bingo on Friday day and won the national prize so according to him he'll be getting £1,000.
He gave me a choice on Friday I could have the £220 difference in my hand there and then or I could wait until Friday (apparantly that's when they will give him his money) and I could have the whole £470 and he will pay for our son's room to be replastered.

So this man (father to your child or not) stole from you, gambled your money, then entered into negotiations with you about how to give it back? Why haven't you had him arrested? The fact that he won is irrelevant. He could just as easily have lost.

I know the fact that he won is irrelevant. Hence why I did not answer his negotiations. It's not as easy as just having him arrested. How do I prove that the gambling accounts are not mine. When it's my name, my security questions and my bank card using them? I also do not want to have to go down that route. This I will explain further down in an answer to another of your questions.

MyLastFiver wrote: »

This is the harsh bit: You seem to be prepared to enter into complicated and destructive games with this man. The above incident is just one example. Here are two more: 1. You leave the gambling booket lying round the house for your OH to "find"? Why can't you just have a conversation with him, if there's something on your mind? 3. You get your young son to ring his Dad in order to make him feel bad about being late? Your manipulative behaviour did not have the desired effect (of making your OH feel bad and come round) but backfired into a stupid, pointless argument. If you have something to say to your OH, then just say it yourself.

I leave the gambling book laying around to show him that I too know what can happen at ga meetings. It's not because anything is on my mind. I must admit that since reading it myself I can adapt it to help me with other things. Problems of my own. I agree we do have to learn to communicate better with each other.

MyLastFiver wrote: »

The most heartbreaking part of your story is your young son asking for his Daddy, who has let him down. I suggest to you that this man will not ever make your son happy; he is too selfish.

What child does not ask for their Daddy when they first leave the home? It's not a case of letting him down. It's a case of us not having clear timings laid out about seeing our son. This was the first time that he had arranged to see our son on his terms. Normally it would be me saying "I'm bringing ds round at ?? o'clock" So I'm happy to give him the break on that one.

MyLastFiver wrote: »

I've written this on another thread but some men (and it tends to be men) are too immature, self-centred and destructive to form functional relationships. It sounds like your OH is one of them. So do not enter into any more silly games with him. Get away. What sort of man lets his son down, then twists it round to make you out to be the bad guy? These patterns must stop. Now.

And next time he steals from you, get him !!!!ing arrested.

I agree that his gambling addiction does have to stop. Our relationship is like this purely to do with his gambling and his past. (He came from a broken home and chose to live in care) But it has to stop and change for him. NOT me or his son. I am no way going to be manipulative and force him to change the person he is. If I tried I would be the bad person. And you would be writing telling him to get away from me and be is own person. As I have said I find the whole arresting thing hard to think about. How do I explain to my son that Mummy put Daddy in prison? How will that affect his mental state of mind? Knowing that instead of helping Daddy through a difficult time and illness. I called the police.
You maybe selfish enough to live with that guilt and hatred but I'm not. I also understand that his childhood has a great impact on the way he has behaved. It is his trigger to the gambling. Me hurting him because he has hurt me will only add to the problem. It will not solve it.

MyLastFiver wrote: »

Your son is entering into patterns of thought and behaviour that, if not addressed, will affect his emotional makeup, and his mental health, for life. A one year-old is pining for his Daddy, who does not turn up. And you wonder whether you should tell him "he'll be here in a minute"? What does that teach your son? That his Daddy doesn't want to see him, and that his Mummy lies to him? All this will teach him is that he shouldn't trust anyone Your son is also learning that it's OK for men to treat women like !!!!, and that his life will be characterised by people letting him down and not loving him. His father is a loser. You have to be the reliable, honest and loving one.

His Daddy did turn up. It took longer for him to get there than I thought it should. My son was upset not just because of his dad but because of me also. We can now learn from this and ask the question of what time will you be here. Then I'll tell my son the time Daddy has said he will be there. So that I am not lying to him.
He has a gambling problem that involves spending money we sometimes do not have. My son will not know this and does not know this. It's not anything he can physically see. Like a black eye or a drunken slob in the corner.
I am the reliable, honest and loving one. But what kind of a person would I be to bad mouth his dad the whole time. How many kids grow up hating someone they can barely remember because Mummy continuously said "your dad is a loser"

MyLastFiver wrote: »

TotallyBroke, you need to take control. Get away from this toxic man. When did you learn that it was your role in life to put up with people who treat you like crap? I suspect that you learned this as a little girl, and you think that this is what families are like. You deserve better.

I have not learned or been taught that I should be treated as crap. And I agree our family should be better. What I have learnt is not to quit at the first hurdle. Try, try again. Every family unit will encounter problems from all different sources at some point. But I will try and stand united as a family and solve them. I will not buckle at the first step. There is no seperation or divorce in my family. Everyone in my family has managed to find someone that sings from the same page of the hymn book. They may not be singing in tune all the time but it's the same song. It's just me, that is the black sheep.

MyLastFiver wrote: »

Your son will get over his Daddy not being around. Millions of kids have to. Your boy would do far better with a step father who is loving and reliable, than a natural father who lets him down and does his best to undermine the security of the family. You need to give your ex a non-negotiable choice: he can either turn up to see his son when he says he will, or he can !!!! off. You're running things now, not him.

I do not want my son to get over his daddy ever! I agree with you that at the moment his Dad is undermining the security of our family but I'm hoping that with things the way they are, he will come to realise that the grass is not greener. I hope that he will realise that our family is not so bad after all if we work together at it. I will never tell him to !!!! off away from his son. That is not my decision to make. That is for my son to decide when and if he chooses to. Again I could not live with that guilt.

MyLastFiver wrote: »

Someone has written We all love people that hurt us and let us down.

Couldn't disagree more. These are the people not to love. We are only victims if we allow ourselves to be. Life's too short to spend it with someone who makes you miserable.

TB you have taken a brave and important step in booting this loser out. Now make sure he actually goes, rather than continuing to hang around to manipulate you and steal from you.

I wish you all the luck in the world. For you and your son.

I thank you for wishing me and my son luck. I thank you for being honest in your post. If you had posted this earlier I may have agreed with you 100% but at the moment over the last few days/weeks things are easier. I maybe imagining the light at the end of the tunnel but today I can see it. I won't know it's truely there until I either walk the distance or face up to the fact that I no longer have the energy to continue on.

For today I will not be upset about things I am powerless over.
For today I will accept the unexpected. Good or bad.
For today I will smile atleast once an hour..;)

MyLastFiver

My post was strongly worded and I'm truly sorry if it offended anyone, especially TotallyBroke. I have a bee in my bonnet at the moment about "Deadbeat Dads" because a good friend of my wife's has just had a baby to an immature, selfish loser who is making her life miserable just when she most needs help and support. Yesterday I read through the thread and it made me angry to see so many decent people having their lives wrecked. Yeah yeah "gambling is a disease" but treating your family like sh!te isn't. So I posted when I was angry.

I'm not anti-men (I am a man! ) but I'm anti selfish, destructive @rseh0les. True - there are plenty of women like this too, but for sheer bloody-minded self-centeredness, I think that on balance men take the prize.

To quote cantcope If we got rid of everyone that did this to us in our lives chances are we would be very lonely. This is the attitude I want to challenge: "Better to have someone who makes me feel worthless and miserable than have no-one at all." I would choose no-one at all. I posted on another thread that manipulative people seek out people who are vulnerable and lack self-confidence, because these are the people who will allow themselves to be manipulated rather than risk being alone. So if you would rather have any old loser than be alone, then it is "any old loser" you will attract. There is nothing more attractive to others than a little self-confidence and independence. It makes a potential partner want to be at their best for us, rather than at their worst.

I have family issues too: An abusive mother, and a father who stood by and did nothing about it. As a child I couldn't escape them but as an adult I decided that I wouldn't let dysfunctional, destructive people around me any more. Yes it's true - this has led to periods of loneliness but there's nothing more lonely than having people around you whom you don't like and can't trust. Now I have a circle of trusted friends, a wonderful wife and a beautiful young son. I haven't cut off my parents, but I see them on my terms, and they know that if they want to come round they have to bl00dy well behave

You might say that I don't understand gambling, but I have been a problem gambler and I do understand the gambling impulse. I have sat in the casino all night, chasing losses, until I had nothing left. But I also have an inner policeman that, when it starts getting too silly, says "hang on a minute - you need to stop this" before too much harm is done. I would say that people who do not have this inner policeman probably make poor lovers/spouses/parents/siblings. I worry that by giving in to/making excuses for/tolerating destructive behaviour, we simply legitimize and reinforce it.

TotallyBroke and cantcope, I completely take your point that it's possible for gamblers to change. I suspect that they will not change until they have something to lose, such as the love of loyal, caring people such as yourselves. It's just that to me, this whole cycle of push/pull leaving/staying promise/broken promise love/hate truth/lies seems incredibly wearing and would lead me to question whether I was staying with the person because, deep down they are a wonderful person, or because I'm simply scared of being alone.

So to all the people on here who are sticking by people who lie to them, steal from them and manipulate them, I doubt whether my posting on here will help you see that life does not have to be like this for you. But it doesn't. Once again, I wish you all luck.

PS final point: TotallyBroke, I've just read in your last post that you would consider yourself "selfish" if you had your OH arrested for stealing from you. This makes my point, really. You have a tendency to take his appalling behaviour (and it really, really is disgusting) and beat yourself up for it. Most people do not feel guilty about removing from their lives people who steal from them. I really, really don't mean to get at you - I just want you to see that things could be different for you if you just saw your predicament from a slightly different point of view. Nor am I suggesting that you cut your OH out of your life forever. But at the moment it seems like you're doing all of the giving and he's doing all of the taking (literally :eek:). A shifting of the balance of power would do no harm at all.

TotallyBroke

Wow.. MyLastFiver.
No offence was taken from your post by me. I'm grateful for the chance to post on this thread and let out my frustrations. I'm also grateful to hear all points of view. I may not do anything with them but I will read at the time and again next week and again and again.

(Gosh what time is it am I supposed to be smiling)

I'm not scared to be on my own. I have been many times. If I was not a Mum I would have been ages ago. But I don't just have me to think about I have a son. I have to put him before myself. I have to put him before anything. That is what holds me back most of the time.
For single mum's whose partner has walked out. They have somewhere else to lay the blame. The other person walked out.
For me, it would be me choosing to make that person go. It would all be my fault. Marraige vows say "For better or worse, for richer or poorer" and although I am not married I chose to be in this relationship. I'm trying to show that our family can be better rather than worse and that we can be richer and not poorer. I'm hoping that it will sink in soon.

cantcope

Nice to see such an open honest discussion on here. No offence was taken by posts on here i just thought i'd try and put a female gamblers point of view across

I agree that most gamblers wont stop until they have something to lose. However, this can't be said for all. And doesnt work for all. Some people dont stop until there isnt anthing left to lose. Others, like me (not sure you realised i was a problem gambler mylastfiver), stop because i couldn't live with the endless worry/stress/anxiety/self loathing anymore.

I didnt hurt anybody, lie, steal, cheat or let anyone down except for myself. I changed for me. I was single at the time so didnt abuse my partner and live alone so didnt hurt my family as they knew nothing about it. My friends still saw me and thought my diet (no money for food) was working wonders!

My life is the same as it was before i started gambling and other than the fact i sleep at night, have put on weight and have no debt now it is the same since i stopped. In this respect I wish i had someone to force me into stopping earlier but am glad i finally did it by myself and found GA by myself.
Its in the open now and i have the support i need to stay stopped.
My family and friends love me unconditionally and i think that maybe thats how TB feels about her OH. It's a horrible horrible thing to be going through but for me its encouraging to know that there are people out there that support people through the bad times and hope for a better future.

Ames

Mylastfiver, you say why not go to the police. I have done. Twice. They just didn't want to know. Even when he stole thousands from his work, all he got was 120 hours community service, and the judge told him that stealing from a company was more serious than from an individual. So what more could I do?

riquelme

bump back to the top

hows everyone? all going fine here although i did buy a raffle ticket from the little boy next door, hes such a nice lad who plays really nice with our younger kids. it was only £1 and i told the OH, she was fine and i was close to beating myself up about it, but feeling ok about it

Ames

I think that's more of a charity donation than a gamble, and if your OH was fine then I don't think you need to beat yourself up over it.

baxgttdi

I agree with Ames (hi by the way) that is really more of a donation I mean lets be honest you usually don't even wanna win the prizes hehe or I know I don't.

To briefly introduce mysel (a bit late I know) I've shared a story that's been similar in many ways and differs like most in many as well and afer reading the other 13(000 ) pages felts inspired to share my tale as well.

My time as a gambler was over a period of only about 8 months. I occasioanlly gambled socially beforehand but nothing more serious than that and as with many people on here it was the online variety that took a hold of me.
It started in Febuary this year after an arduous and quite messyin my opinion split from my long term partner. I played poker occasionally online for small amounts while we were together but nothing vaguely problematic, maybe £20 a month or so. When we split however things changed (split was nothing to do with gambling by the way). I felt bored, my life was empty if that doesn't sound overly dramatic and I needed something to fill the gap. Stupidly I chose gamblnig to do that with specifically online poker. In "reallife" I'm actually a decent card player but as anyone who's used onine poker will be able to tell you, that means very little when using an online poker room. Regardless I quickly got sucked in and found myself wasting more and more time and money on it and more frustratingly than ever actually knew it was a waste of time and saw I was heading down a dangerous path but couldn't seem to stop.

I had several wake up calls upon my journey, one of which was when I went to pay for soem fuel with my card and it was rejected. I'd never had that happen before in my life and it was n't a pleasant experience, it shook me...but still I kept going. At one point I vaguely remember spending upwards of £1500 in 2 hours. At this point I wasn't even playing cards properly anymore I was simply thorwing everyrthing in on the off chance of being lucky nd having an instant win, I may as well have flipped a coin with £500, insane!

In June I had a mini reprieve when I started visiting a counsellor for my relationship issues and I felt a certain calmness spread over me for a whil that had been missing months, something very different from the nights of anguish spent staring into space wondering what the hell Iwas going to do if anyone ever found out abotu my addiction. Openly, people said nothing and only those closest to me noticed anything was wrong atall but even they were unable to figure out what was up with me. Occassionally I would win decent amounts of money, £1500, £900 and so forth but it was meaningless as it had pretty much been redeposited before it had even reached my account.

In July after the visits to the counsellor I told myself I had to do something and face up to this before the stress killed me, specifically when I realised the day after I'd been paid I was still overdrawn by £800 which is not a position I'd ever found myself in before. Terrified I came home, went to my room and sat and idd nothing but think for about 6 hours and then did what I thoguht was my best option, told my father. He tried to deal with as besthe could be just couldn't fathom it, told me how he thought I was smarter than that, how I'd thrown money away and alot of other things I already knew. By the end of the conversation I felt terrible and didn't really want his help any longer as I just felt too guilty to accept it. Nevertheless he insisted but after the conversation we'd had I couldn't face to tell him the precise figures so I did the stupidest thingI've done to date and lied to him, telling him I owed roughly half of what the actual total was. My dad, although frustratedand somewhat mystified by the situation (he's the best dad in the world and would give his last pennies to me to help but we don't often communicate on the same level) insisted on paying off what he thought was my total debt on the understanding that I promised never to do it again.

This was probably a mistake on both out parts, mine for agreeing ( i was n't ready to quit) and him for believing me even though I'd explained my problem asbes I could. I took the money and paid off debt with it leaving me with roughly half of what I'd had before and told myself I had to stop, but I found it hard. I kept going in small amouts until roughly the begginning of October. As stupid as it sounds this is how the rest happened....I woke up one Saturday morning and went straight to play poker and I sat there and thought...no, I can't, I don't want to me but I coudln't stop myself from depositing something and it was all I could do to keep it to £20. I realised pretty much right then that I was stuck and looked around for ways of blocking my access. I came accross Gamblock and various others but realised they woudln't work for me, I'm an I.T Technichian I knew I'd jsut get around it, so I sat there in my chair feeling defeated. That's not something I do very often as I refuse to be beaten and I realised that I couldn't just igve up or basically any chance of a decent life was gone, forget new cars etc I coudln't evenafford to live somewhere. So I did the only thing I could do and I sent an email to the company I used asking to be excluded. The email itsself was just 2 lines long and took my over 3 hours to write and actually send, it was 1 of the hardest things I've ever done and I actually felt exhausted afterwards.

From there, I dabbled further with different companies but it was never quite the same I managed to set myself targets (stupid as that sounds) whereby I convinced myself if I didn't win within 2 deposits it was a fix and with this very odd belief I slowly ad painfully I must admit banned myself from every online poker site you can imagine and probalby more. The way i did it was in a sense stupid as it still cost me money, on average £100 per site I excluded myself but it worked. I justified it by saying I'd end up using these sites anyway as I had no control, at least this way I've limited what I've spent.
Now in December life is coming together a bit more. At the end of last month I revisited MSE for the first time in about a year :mad: and started to put my finances back together. Fortunately because of my decent income and very generous family I didn't get defaulted on anything rather jsut struggled through on minimum payments and late letters alot but it could have been so much worse. I think in toal I've wasted in the region of £7000 maybe a little more.

I now have no access to online poker in anyway shape or form and have excluded myself from pretty much everywhere else casino related too. Real life gambling holds no attraction whatsoever for me and is not and will enver be a problem. I feel like a different person now althoguh the frist 2 weeks away from it were torture, I did psyically get the sweats obnce or twice which is just unreal to me now. The need/want to play is gradually (and I mean SLOWLY) fading and I've managed to get myself a little money making scheme going, have rearrangemed my loans so they're more manageable and finally feelI'm on the right track again. When I got paid a week ago I was astonished to find that after my debits had gone I actually still had money left, it seems like an age since that happened. Getting away from online gambling is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I'll never EVER be going back to it, personally I think the privacy is what makes it so hard to deal with. The only upside to the whole situation really has been the fact that my self pity for my missing partner was completely forgotten about in the end lol.

Anyways tha'ts my story, for those who are still awake thanks or tuning in , it always feels better to get that off your chest, sorry for all the spelling and grammar errors I didn't want to stop and change things as I thought I might lose my way, apologies if I rambled